#291: Saying, Feeling & Doing Sorry

About this episode

Kim John Payne discusses the importance of genuine apologies in children and introduces the concept of 'doing sorry' as a more meaningful approach.

In this monthly episode of Simplicity Parenting, Kim John Payne explores the difference between asking children to say sorry and helping them genuinely make things right. While acknowledging that saying sorry has value, Kim cautions against forcing apologies, which often leads to defensiveness, shame, or empty words. Instead, he invites parents to look beneath the apology and focus on what truly matters: a child recognizing that something crossed a family value and taking responsibility in a way that feels real and restorative. When children feel pressured or shamed, Kim explains, they are far more likely to deny or resist rather than reflect. Kim introduces the idea of “doing sorry” as an alternative and often more meaningful path. This might include repairing harm through actions, offering something meaningful to the other child, or simply showing genuine remorse through presence and emotion. He describes three forms of apology: saying sorry, feeling sorry, and doing sorry, and emphasizes that any combination of these can be appropriate. By giving children time to calm down and guiding them gently toward repair, parents help them develop empathy and accountability without…

People in this episode

Host: Kim John Payne

Topics covered

• apology
• child development
• empathy
• parenting
• responsibility
• family values

Keywords

• saying sorry
• feeling sorry
• doing sorry
• parenting strategies
• empathy development
• child accountability

Mentioned in this episode

Organizations: Center for Social Sustainability

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