You're Not Bad. You're Carrying the Problem: Shame, Triggers, and Healing

You're Not Bad. You're Carrying the Problem: Shame, Triggers, and Healing

From Waking Up to Narcissism by Tony Overbay LMFT

March 6, 2026 · 54 min · Season 1

About this episode

This episode explores the complexities of triggers, accountability, and the impact of shame on personal growth and healing.

"I was triggered" vs. "I chose"—what if both are true, and neither gets to the real problem? When a listener sent Tony a viral video challenging people to replace "I was triggered" with "I chose," it sparked a deeper conversation about accountability, nervous system science, and the shame-based frameworks many of us inherited long before we ever heard the word "trigger." This episode holds two truths at once: yes, adults are responsible for their behavior—and the initial nervous system activation that precedes a choice is real, automatic, and not a moral failure. Episode highlights: Why the word "trigger" can feel like a life sentence to trauma survivors—and an identity assignment to the people who hurt them Rick Hanson's "first and second dart" framework and the four stages of change from unconscious incompetence to unconscious competence The critical distinction between activation and action—and why that space is where all growth lives How Richard Rohr's reframe of sin as brokenness needing healing (not judgment) connects directly to why shame never produces lasting change How shame gets installed in childhood before a four-year-old's brain can separate "I did something bad"…

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Host: Tony Overbay

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