Defensiveness Is a Self-Esteem Problem (And How to Fix It)
About this episode
This episode explores how defensiveness in marriage is rooted in self-esteem issues and offers practical tools to address it.
Most of us get defensive without even realizing it — and it’s one of the fastest ways connection breaks down in marriage. In this episode, we explore why defensiveness is actually a self-esteem issue at its core. We break down how defensiveness shows up differently depending on whether you’re coming from shame (one-down) or grandiosity (one-up) , and why neither position allows for real repair or intimacy. Sharla shares a personal story from her own life and explains how healthy self-esteem gives us the ability to feel proportionate guilt without collapsing into shame. You’ll also get a simple, practical intervention you can use in the moment — including a physical technique and two powerful mantras — to help you move out of defensiveness and back into “same as” with your partner. If you’ve ever felt like you get defensive even when you don’t want to, this episode will help you understand why… and give you tools to actually change it. In This Episode: Why defensiveness is a symptom of distorted self-esteem The difference between one-up (grandiosity) and one-down (shame) defensiveness How grandiosity blinds us to the impact we have on others What healthy self-esteem actually looks…
More episodes of Master Your Marriage
- Mini Episode: Real Self Esteem, Shame & Grandiosity (Listener Questions)
- How Adapting to Trauma Wires Us for Shame
- The Shame Cycle That’s Hurting Your Marriage
- Why Therapy Often Falls Short (Even When It’s Good Therapy)
- Don’t Run From Tension – Stephen Curry’s Marriage Wisdom
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