410: Does her emotional intensity overwhelm you? (ft. Jason Lange)

About this episode

The episode explores how men's emotional responses are affected by women's emotional intensity and discusses effective communication strategies in relationships.

You know the moment. She comes at you with heat — frustrated, hurt, disappointed, or just a lot — and something inside you freezes. Maybe you start minimizing her experience ("It's not that bad"; "You're exaggerating"). Or you lawyer up ("Well but you also said ____" or "That's not what I meant; if you'd just listen while I explained..."). Or you look present, but you're not. It's one of the most common patterns we see in hetero relationships. And the story we've been told about why it happens is mostly wrong. Here, Jason and I dig into what's actually going on when her intensity floods you — and surprising research on this. For example, we still, as a culture, have a story that boys are "strong" and girls are "sensitive," but the Still Face Experiment found that baby boys are actually more emotionally reactive than baby girls, and more dependent on maternal attunement to come back to regulation. Add in the fact that boys receive less comforting touch than girls — more functional, directive touch, less "I've got you" — and by the time you're a grown man, you often don't quite know what it feels like to be truly held. Which means you don't quite know how to hold her. Plus, the…

People in this episode

Host: Melanie Curtin

Guest: Jason Lange

Topics covered

• emotional intensity
• hetero relationships
• emotional regulation
• gender differences
• communication

Keywords

• emotional intensity
• hetero relationships
• Gottman Institute
• communication
• emotional regulation

Mentioned in this episode

Organizations: Gottman Institute

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