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Recent episodes
How to talk to children about Cyclone Gabrielle
Feb 28, 2023
Unknown duration
How to give your children more freedom as they get older
Oct 7, 2020
Unknown duration
What to do when your children swear
Sep 30, 2020
Unknown duration
How to build up confidence in children
Sep 23, 2020
Unknown duration
Teaching children to do chores
Sep 16, 2020
Unknown duration
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| Date | Episode | Description | Length | ||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 2/28/23 | How to talk to children about Cyclone Gabrielle | In the wake of Cyclone Gabrielle, many parents are facing a loss of home or livelihood or, at the every least, a massive cleanup. So what do you say to children about all of this ? Katy Gosset takes a look at how to calm their fears. (file image)In the wake of Cyclone Gabrielle, many parents are facing a loss of home or livelihood or, at the very least, a massive cleanup. So what do you say to children about all of this ? Katy Gosset takes a look at how to calm their fears.Sarah* says her 10-year-old son Nate* "feels all these emotions and he feels them really big".Since Cyclone Gabrielle struck there have been "a few more outbursts" and he recently asked her: "What's going to happen when I die?""He's a lot more aware of the lives lost," she said.Sarah's family lives close to the Tukituki River near Haumoana in Hawke's Bay and made a hasty evacuation, swimming from their home as flood waters rose."The water was lapping at the deck to the house. It was rushing in, so we really thought that we'd lost the house."Luckily the water stopped short, getting within 50mm of flooding the house but sheds and outbuildings have all been damaged.For Jane's* family on the inland road between Gisborne and Wairoa, their home is undamaged but the road to Gisborne is washed out and a trip to town now means a journey over a makeshift track.Her daughter, who has just started Year 9, cannot get to high school and Jane is worried about the impact academically and socially.''It's scary. I'm scared especially for my high school girl. I'm not sure where we're going to go from here."And then there is their livelihood."We're on a farm. Are we going to get our stock out? How are we going to do that? And I guess that stress is also probably reflected back on the kids a little bit too.''For both families, there is stress and the challenge of knowing what to tell children and how to alleviate their fears.Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher says it is important to make time to listen to children's worries. On Are We There Yet? she discusses how to help kids make sense of it all.Tips for parents- Get the basics sorted: food, shelter and making sure you are safe."That stuff really matters because if we are not feeling safe, then some of that higher level thinking and wondering and worrying actually doesn't count because our systems aren't settled enough to take that on board," Gallagher says.- Look after yourself and keep calm to better help your children…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
| 10/7/20 | How to give your children more freedom as they get older | Our children are growing up and venturing out into the big wide world on their own or with friends. Katy Gosset looks at how we manage our own anxiety and let our children spread their wings.What price freedom ? Our children are growing up and venturing out into the big wide world on their own or with friends. Katy Gosset looks at how we manage our own anxiety and let our children spread their wings.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.Ellen* is the first to describe herself as 'a bit of a worrier'. ''I'm the parent that's scared of vans pulling up near my children, you know child abductions."As they've got older she's less stressed about it but she does monitor her children's phones - with their consent.''I like to be able to track where they're going on their phones. They've never had a problem with that because they know that I'm a little bit paranoid."She's happy that her ex-partner does plenty of outdoor and riskier activities with them while she 'grits her teeth'" are really nice about it but it's definitely something I've had to work on as a parent.''And Laura* has been going through the same thing with her teenage son who has been brought up in a rural setting but is beginning to explore the city. "Initially that was quite unnerving for me because you just never know what he's going to come across when he's wandering around the central city by himself."And then there's the drinking culture.''The biggest challenge we've had over the last 12 months with him is alcohol. He's in a situation where he's going to parties where people are drinking and drinking heavily at 15 and 16.''At a recent party Laura allowed him to take two drinks and a post-party debrief showed that was a good compromise."He was happy that that's all he'd taken and he'd seen how ridiculous people got. He was very mature about it. I kind of have a bit of faith in him in that sense that he does make the right decisions."In fact, knowing what to allow at what age is a tough one for any parent to navigate.Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said children inevitably changed as they got older.''When is the right time and around what issues are we going to change with our kids?""That gets complicated. Whoever said this parenting gig wasn't complicated was probably lying.''…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
| 9/30/20 | What to do when your children swear | Whether it's potty talk or the f-bomb, kids will eventually say something offensive. How do we decide what's unacceptable and what to let slide? Katy Gosset looks at swearing and its subtleties.Whether it's potty talk or the f-bomb sooner or later our kids are probably going to say something offensive. How do we decide what's unacceptable in our homes and what we're prepared to let slide?Katy Gosset takes a look at swearing and its subtleties.And yes, a little warning - the audio contains some swearing!Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.Rhiannon's* son, Luke*, has well and truly discovered 'the f-word'.At age 15, it's very much his means of expressing himself, sometimes 'with a bang or thump of irritation on the wall'.And while he hasn't specifically sworn at her, Rhiannon is concerned by how often the word comes out.'It's mostly 'Oh for f-'s sake'. Quite often directed at his little sister: 'Oh you're such an effing b_." In Melissa's case, it came out when she was least expecting it, on a shopping trip with her two-year-old.''Calling me 'an effing f-er' in the middle of the supermarket once. It was one of those moments when it just boomed across the whole place. Everyone went silent and all you could hear was him swearing.''Maeve's* kids are also young so she's still contending with 'things like "poo bum", you know all that potty language.'It's not what any of these Mums want to be hearing.Still, clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, says swearing is all relative.''Swearing means different things to different people. For some, it's an absolute no. For others, there's a time and a place and for others, well, there's always a time and a place.''While it was not possible to completely control children's swearing, parents could learn to manage and reduce its use, particularly in the home.It was partly because swearing was such a trigger for some parents that it had become a great way to get a reaction.''Kids are going to be exposed to different influences and if you react big time then in a child's mind it becomes an even bigger trump card to pull out when they're angry and they want a reaction.''Don't mention the swearingOf course, it's tempting to just ignore it and rise above the provocation. Easier said than done.Gallagher warned it only worked if parents were genuinely ignoring the swearing rather than just pretending…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
| 9/23/20 | How to build up confidence in children | Where does self-confidence come from ? Some children are bursting with it while an absence of it holds others back. Katy Gosset finds confidence is a learned behaviour that any of us can tap into.Everyone wants it for their kids but where does self-confidence actually come from? Some children seem to be bursting with it while an absence of it holds others back. Katy Gosset finds confidence is a learned behaviour that any of us - parents included- can tap into.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.Sally's* son James* has always been one of the best runners in his year. In fact, he usually wins most races.But lately, he hasn't wanted to try.Sally thinks a sense of expectation from others that he would win has sapped his confidence."I tried lots of encouragement, reminding him that it didn't really matter if he won the race or not. It was just, kind of, doing your best.""But I just felt it got to the point where he thought it was more fun to just run with his friends and not have that expectation on him." Her other two children went through similar phases."Definitely, I think all three of them had confidence issues."The quest for confidenceConfidence in children can seem like the holy grail for concerned parents.So why do some kids lack this elusive quality while others appear bulletproof?Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, said many parents believed confidence was innate."We often hear people described as either confident or not confident as if it's a thing we're born with."Instead, it was a learned behaviour and could fluctuate throughout a person's life."Some might seem like they were born with an in-built Teflon shield to repel the opinions of others and the difficulties life might throw at them."However, rather than having an excess of some quality, it was more likely that they simply lacked anxiety 'which is often the thing that holds us back or saps our energy.'Most people had a kind of internal alarm system that went off in the presence of danger but that same alarm could be triggered by normal life challenges, Gallagher explained.''The frustration we feel when we're struggling with a problem or which we visibly see when we see a baby struggling to roll over or pull themselves up, it actually serves a purpose.''When a person faced any kind of challenge, their brain tried to draw upon a similar experience to model what to do next, Gallagher said…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
| 9/16/20 | Teaching children to do chores | How do we get children to help out around the house without asking them 100 times? Or do we just give in and end up being a slave to our kids. Katy Gosset looks at whether there's a better way.How do we get children to help out around the house without asking them 100 times ? Or do we just give in and end up being a slave to our kids. Katy Gosset looks at whether there's a better way.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.It's one of the things Sam* finds hardest about parenthood: 'asking your kids to do things over and over again.' Cue a collective sigh of sympathy from parents because (let's face it) we've all been there. But even if it's an uphill battle most parents stick at it because they believe chores are part of family life.''We're not their slaves. We expect them to participate in the household,' Sam said.All the more so when the family is large, like Alison's*. "I do say fairly often that I was not put on this earth to look after six people constantly." As a result she has a three week roster, where children alternate filling and emptying the dishwasher, setting and clearing tables and putting out rubbish. But there can still be resistance. "Especially if it's something that's an outside job, you know you get the whole 'Oh I don't want to go outside because it's cold'."So it's a relief to hear that, despite all the moaning, it's worth our efforts to persevere.Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said all young people needed chores and things to be responsible for."It's good for them both in that moment and it also helps them grow into people that can eventually leave home and function with some semblance of independence on their own." It also prepared them for the sometimes mundane realities of life.''I think it's really important because it helps out but it's also about, how do they actually do some frustrating, boring things because that's kind of life."Gallagher acknowledged that children wouldn't always share that view. "It would be kind of weird if they did. Why would I stop doing what I enjoy doing and go and set the table?"Part of the issue was that children were susceptible to the 'problem of immediate gratification' or PIG, she said. "In fact, some adults are still pretty vulnerable to that as well, just saying."Children needed help to shift from the immediate gratification of whatever game or activity they had been doing to a new task, she said…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
| 9/9/20 | How to make sure we treat our children fairly | "It's not fair!" Kids say it. We deny it. But how do we actually teach our children about fairness. And should life even be fair ? Katy Gosset looks at one of parenting's prickly issues."Ít's not fair !" Kids say it . We deny it. But how do we actually teach our children about fairness. And should life even be fair ? Katy Gosset looks at one of parenting's prickly issues.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.Joanna's son has been invited to a birthday party but his sister doesn't understand why she can't go too."So that's not fair in her eyes."Welcome to the world of children. All things should be equal or at least fair, shouldn't they ?Not really. It's one of the first harsh lessons in life for kids.Most parents attempt to create an environment in which children are treated fairly."I do make an effort to spend time with each of them. Doesn't always work but that's the goal," Joanna said.But children are very attune to any disparity and hence that catch cry of childhood, "It's not fair!"Clinical psychologist and mother of two, Catherine Gallagher, is no stranger to it herself."That cry is so familiar as a parent but it can also strike fear into our hearts because what if they're right?"But what if things aren't meant to be entirely fair ?In the past, fairness between siblings was less common with boys, particularly older ones, receiving many benefits, Gallagher said.Whilst she didn't advocate a return to 'male privilege', she believed the pendulum had now swung too far in the other direction, creating a situation where no one was left disappointed or having to wait for anything.In some cases schools were running classes to prepare children for the fact that they might not get an award, she said."The pendulum is out of hand."Daring to be (just a bit) unfair Many parents believed coping with unfairness was somehow harmful to a child, Gallagher said. In fact it was character-building.A good approach was to create a 'middle ground where we typically get what we need, sometimes get what we want, but actually we also have to deal with the fact that someone else is getting something we're not.'To learn this lesson it was important that life had some unfairness in it, she said."Because someone's getting the job and someone won't. In a race someone actually worked really hard to win that race and if you're last, that doesn't make you a lesser person, it just makes you not so fast."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
| 9/2/20 | Helping children cope with the ongoing impact of the Canterbury earthquakes | How do you help children cope with a life-threatening incident? And what if you're stressed yourself? Katy Gosset looks at the far reaching emotional effects of the Canterbury earthquakes.How do you help children cope with a life-threatening incident? And what if you're stressed yourself? Katy Gosset looks at the far-reaching emotional effects of the Canterbury earthquakes.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.It's been ten years. And yet when the earth shifts even just a little bit, 11-year-old Ella* still freezes. "She panics. You see every part of her tense and she doesn't say anything." "She goes quiet, but you can just see the fear, the absolute fear in her eyes," her mother, Amelia* said.The magnitude 7.1 earthquake on September 4 2010 began a series of tremors that dogged the Canterbury region.The most prominent: a 6.2 quake on February 22 2011 that claimed 185 lives. Ella was almost two when it all began and seemed initially unfazed but, as time went on, the anxiety began to emerge. Amelia recalled her daughter's reaction during the Valentine's Day quake in February 2016. "I looked at her and she went white. She froze and she said, 'I want to be sick.'" It's a similar story for Margaret whose four daughters all struggled to cope with the ongoing earthquake sequence."They were quite traumatised. Being a massive earthquake it was quite scary and it took a long time to settle down." So much so that, even a decade on, reactions remain acute. "They're quite fragile around them. They don't even like you mentioning the earthquakes." "They're older but I noticed that the other day when we had that earthquake, I still gave my 18-year-old a cuddle because she was actually physically shaking. So it's still there by a long way."The girls are part of a cohort of Christchurch children who've grown up amidst constant aftershocks and life changes. When Christchurch clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher takes a developmental history from a new client, a chat about the quakes is now standard procedure."Talking about their responses to the earthquake and what's happened for them and their families has become just part of that conversation." Gallagher has seen numerous children affected by the quakes and even ten years on, they are still presenting with related issues. "It might have become more, over time, just a diffuse sense of not feeling quite settled and safe. …Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
| 4/1/20 | How to talk to children about Covid-19 | How are New Zealanders coping with the Covid-19 lockdown? Who better to ask than frazzled parents who are juggling kids, school work and jobs ? Katy Gosset looks at family life under lockdown.A week in, how are New Zealanders coping with the Covid-19 lockdown? Who better to ask than frazzled parents who are juggling kids, school work and their own jobs ? Katy Gosset looks at family life under lockdown.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.Alice has just caught her young son sneaking out the gateIt's been less than a week since the lockdown began and her children still don't really understand why they can't visit their friends anymore.As I distract Alice with a phone interview on this very topic, she spots her son making a break for it and calls to him to return."You're not allowed out there. We can't go and play with the neighbours."Alice's children, like most, have had a simple crash course in Covid 19."We started saying that it was a four-week holiday but then we had to introduce the word 'lockdown' and we said that is to stop the bug spreading around the world."Family life has had to carry on but it's not as we know it and for Alice it has been challenging."When I was listening to Jacinda Ardern announce that we were going into Level 4 I think the enormity of it hit me and I definitely felt quite emotional."The children have already brainstormed their ideas for the month: everything from nature walks, art and gardening to building huts and cooking outside on the brazier.So Alice, who is self-employed, has shelved her small business to corral the kids while her husband works from home.But she plans to allow a few things she can control into her own day like walking or reading a book."Whatever that is, just making sure that we create some choices in our life so that we feel in control and that's really going to help with our levels of anxiety." Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, agrees these are 'really strange times' and that maintaining some sense of control is the key to managing stressful events."When there are things that make life uncertain and that we cannot control, turning our focus to those things that we can control reminds us that we still have some power and influence.''This helps us settle and feel safer," Ms Gallagher said.But she reminded parents there were ways they could help their children adapt to the 'new normal', including acknowledging emotions…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
| 6/12/19 | How and when to talk to kids about pornography | Porn is everywhere and very available. You can bet your child has come across it somewhere online - or will soon. Katy Gosset asks: how do we work through our own awkwardness and start conversations about it with our kids?Pornography is everywhere and more children are seeing it than ever before. Katy Gosset looks at why we need to talk to kids about porn and how we start the conversation. Listen to the episode hereSubscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.Rhonda* is the only woman in her household"Even the ruddy dog is male."And with two teenage sons, she's learnt to be open about the topics that come up including sex or body image.Although it's fallen to her husband to field the trickier questions about penis size."Well, they see things and then they go, 'What's normal?'"Some of those things teenage boys are seeing are unrealistic images of both bodies and sexual behaviour portrayed in increasingly pervasive online pornography.Rhonda's son, Nate*, was encouraged to view pornography by a more mature friend and was embarrassed when his mother discovered it on his computer.Rhonda and her husband explained that pornography didn't depict real relationships and it wasn't appropriate for him to view sexual material until he was sexually active.But, at least they're talking about it.Eliza's* teenage boys simply don't want to know."I've had that kind of conversation but, you know, they just go, 'Aarrhhh, I don't want to hear that from you.' So those conversations are very short. It's very much in passing."Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, said talking about pornography with children was vital."My main message to you is at least have these discussions with your kids.""They're going to be traversing these issues as they develop so to leave them to sort it out for themselves might be a really risky strategy."Ms Gallagher said the discussion should be part of the broader conversation about sex and positive sexuality rather than a topic in isolation."This can help children see where your values come from and can give them some anchor points to form their own opinions from."It was important not to convey viewpoints too rigidly as Ms Gallagher said children were unlikely to start a conversation about a topic they believed was taboo for a parent."If I have such a strong emotional response to why porn is wrong or porn is right, a child knowing that's not a conversation to start up." …Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
| 6/6/19 | Why parents lose the plot and how we can stop doing it | When parents lose the plot ! Most of us can think of times when we've shouted at our child, ranted and potentially failed as 'Parent of the Year' contestants. Katy Gosset looks at why we lose our rag and what we can do to prevent itMost of us can think of times when we've shouted at our child, ranted and potentially failed as 'Parent of the Year' contestants. Katy Gosset looks at why we lose our rag and what we can do to prevent it. Listen to the episode hereSubscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.Every so often Annette* imagines being a 'Stepford Wife'."I wake up every morning and I think 'I'm going to have a day today where I don't yell at everyone."We're going to have a lovely, happy 'Stepford Wives' day today." She's joking but it's kind of a goal, none the less."I would love to not lose it. I yell far too much."Because with both high school and primary aged children, life can be intense."Sometimes I sit in the corner and rock and cry. Occasionally I lock myself in the bathroom and cry, so they don't see it."Clinical psychologist (and mother of two), Catherine Gallagher, is the first to admit that losing your rag can feel good."You have to admit it, it's bloody satisfying."Like many behaviours parents worried about, having a tantrum was normal, she said."It's OK to get angry. Our children need to know that their behaviour has an impact and that we're humans and we have negative feelings too.""Our challenge as parents is to try and stay in as much control as possible."Ms Gallagher admitted that in her early, pre-children, days as a psychologist she sometimes struggled to understand the difficulties parents faced in managing children."I was thinking 'Well, just be calm. This is the plan. Why aren't we doing this?" "Then I had kids of my own."And it all became clear."I've never yelled at anyone the way I yell at my children." So why do parents get so wound up by their kids?Ms Gallagher said it was helpful to look at the many things that led up to a parental 'tantrum'.Exhibit A was the images of family life, as found in glossy magazines, advertisements and on Facebook"It's all blissful smiles, a look of competence, well behaved children."In reality it's tiring, hugely challenging and, more often than not, our children are covered in mud or snot or staring at us in defiance. That's actually the stuff of life."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
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| 5/29/19 | Teaching kids to understand disparities in wealth | Why do some kids get an iphone 10 while others get a no-frills hand me down ? We teach our children that they can do or have anything but sometimes the parental purse says otherwise. Katy Gosset looks at how to help kids navigate financial disparities.Why do some kids get an iphone 10 while others get a no-frills hand me down ? We teach our children that they can do or have anything but sometimes the parental purse says otherwise. Katy Gosset looks at how to help kids navigate financial disparities. Listen to the episode hereSubscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.Lorraine's* son, Josh* is like most teenage boys: keen to fit in, right down to his footwear." wouldn't want to be wearing something that was the wrong type of shoe. It wouldn't have to be Nike but if they were all wearing short socks he'd want to be wearing short socks", she said.Some of the wealth he sees around him has also got him wondering about his own family circumstances."He asked if we were poor because we weren't going overseas like most of his friends were."She had to explain that, while the family could pay its bills, trips abroad would be an occasional treat.And when it came to gaming assets, both her sons could get jealous, Lorraine said."They say some friend they've got X box and they've got Play Station and why can't they have that?"Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher says this desire to keep up with the 'in crowd' or even compete with them is a natural part of development."There's actually an evolutionary drive and it's completely developmentally normal to compete. We compete to fit in." And humans have been at it for a long time."Going back to cavemen days you were far less likely to be eaten or starve if you were included."She said those who were excluded from the group were much more vulnerable."So there's a reason why being in the 'us' has some advantages."She believed Darwin's survival of the fittest also played a role."If I have more than you, then my safety is almost more assured because I have power, I have some control, I have some extra stuff for me."Over time, Ms Gallagher believed life had become even more individual and the communal 'us and them' had morphed into 'you and me' or 'me versus you'.'So you can see how 'Keeping up with the Joneses', in fact competing with and beating the Joneses has become more important, especially as some resources have become more scarce."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
| 5/22/19 | How to manage tantrums and meltdowns | Whatever you want to call it, the rage of toddlers (and sometimes older kids) is hard to handle. Katy Gosset looks at why tantrums happen and how we can teach children to manage their emotions. Whatever you want to call it, the rage of toddlers (and sometimes older kids) is hard to handle. Katy Gosset looks at why tantrums happen and how we can teach children to manage their emotions. Listen to the episode hereSubscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.When we film or photograph our kids, it's usually the good stuff - highs, smiles and milestones.But one day Jody* filmed her ten-year-old son Andrew* having a tantrum.It was about the usual bone of contention."Tantrums to do with social media devices are the biggest things in our house," she says. So it was ironic that a device provided a new insight for Andrew when he watched the video back on Jody's phone. "He just was like 'Mum, that's just ridiculous, look at how I am.' "I was like 'I know, 'I know! That was really crazy'."Seeing himself hasn't entirely stopped Andrew's tantrums but Jody feels that allowing her son to experience anger or annoyance was part of preparing him for life."There are times when I think 'It's actually OK for you to get cross and grumpy ... if I take this off you, because I am your parent...''And part of parenting is that I'm going to upset you occasionally."People often feel that tantrums are a bad thing, according to clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher." that if our kids have one, we're not parenting well enough or we've got something wrong."In fact, meltdowns are crucial for children's development, she believes."Evolution and development decided long ago that frustration and the resulting tantrum is a necessary part of learning."Toddlers who had yet to develop a 'theory of mind' often throw tantrums because they cannot make themselves understood, Ms Gallagher says."Theory of mind is when we hold that belief or that knowledge that you and I can think different things."That means a toddler who wants an orange jelly bean will assume her parents know this and become frustrated when her wish isn't granted."So you can see how if I'm going 'Where is my orange jelly bean?' and 'you're just not getting it Mum,' and I'm getting upset. equals tantrum."A good first step to help children manage their feelings is to label the emotion, Ms Gallagher says…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
| 5/15/19 | Helping kids to navigate childhood fears | Adults can brush off monsters and burglars as the natural anxieties of childhood but for kids the fear is very real. Katy Gosset looks at which worries crop up when and how we can help.Adults can brush off monsters and burglars as the natural anxieties of childhood but for kids the fear is very real. Katy Gosset looks at which worries crop up when and how we can help.Listen to the episode hereSubscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.Five-year-old Harrison* has been spending a lot of time in his parents' bed.That's because someone else has been lurking in his room."At the moment monsters are our big thing," his mother Lucy* says. "It's quite a challenging one for us.""They always hide in the dark but as soon as we turn the light on, they're really fast and they disappear.""And, if we turn the lights off, they are back again really fast."John* says, for his six-year-old, Phillip*, it's comic book images that have 'kind of seeped into his brain and stuck there'."He's started to worry about a lot of things actually. We don't know quite what's stemmed it, but we think there are some images that have been talked about at school which have scared him."Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher says - reassuringly for parents - that fear is completely natural and necessary and some common fears are hardwired."So we come into the world thinking things like loud noises, big animals or heights are not good for survival so probably good to be a little bit cautious about them."But Ms Gallagher warns our 'alarm system' that alerts us to something frightening can get 'hacked' by the 'thinking part of our brain', creating fears that may be unfounded."Through the filter of our thoughts and our experience our alarm system can get tricked into firing, especially for some of us who are genetically a little more vulnerable to being anxious in the first place."So was it fear that people felt in those situations or anxiety?"Fear, by definition, means I'm having that experience of my alarm going off in the presence of something that is actually dangerous."Anxiety is having an experience of fear in the absence of the thing that is actually dangerous.""So these are actually childhood anxieties."Some young people were more susceptible to these kinds of fears than others as they might have a more sensitive temperament or have parents who were themselves anxious, Ms Gallagher said. …Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
| 5/8/19 | How to help children manage online gaming | Online games pull children into a world of bright seductive images and casual violence. Parents can worry that poor social skills or addiction may follow. Katy Gosset asks: how concerned should we be?Online video games have pulled many children into a world of bright seductive images and sometimes casual violence. Some parents are concerned that poor social skills or addiction may follow. Katy Gosset asks: how worried do we need to be?Listen to the episode hereSubscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher."A darkened room with maybe one teenager or small child, just playing for hours on end ..."It's a vivid picture Anna* paints of the world inhabited by many young people."They'd be having lots of fun but time would slip away so you'd say, 'Yes, you can have an hour and then, three hours later, they would emerge.'"Rhonda* has also seen her sons spend up to six hours a day fixated on games."If I knew then what I know now, they wouldn't be in the house."Online gaming has become a big part of many children's lives and many parents are naturally concerned about its impact on family life and socialisation.For clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, gaming is neither good or bad: what matters is how it's used."It's about the context around it and it's about how much it's used. So for me it's all about moderation."But the online world was one that needed an adult guide, she said, and parents shouldn't 'just let it be'."So you don't always have to looking over their shoulder but you have to be engaged and help them navigate through this experience because to leave it up to them is asking for trouble."Gaming should happen in a family room or, if in a bedroom, with the doors open so parents could see what was being watched."It's saying 'Well, if you want to play that, I'm going to have to observe you playing it to start with just so I can be aware of what's going on.'""They might say 'Oh Mum!" and you say 'Well, if you want to play it, this is the contract.'"Part of the problem was that, when parents got busy, it was easy to allow the online world to babysit their children."If children are happy and entertained, well, one hour can very easily become four, as things slide."Ms Gallagher said some parents believed their children should be able to self-manage but she argued that many adults also lacked this skill…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
| 5/1/19 | Talking to children about the mosque terror attacks - part two | After the mosque attacks, questions still linger for many children. Katy Gosset asks: how can we help kids who are struggling, and find ways to discuss both racism and other cultures with them? The Christchurch mosque attacks are over but questions still linger for many children. Katy Gosset considers how we check in with kids who are struggling, and looks at the bigger issue of discussing racism and better cultural understanding with children.Listen to the episode hereSubscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher."It's something she talks about now, about the mosque and the people who've gone."Christchurch father, Simon*, has been discussing the recent terror attacks in Christchurch with his daughter, Maeve*.Three year olds are generally in the throes of potty training, learning pre-school protocols and asking big questions about the world around them, notably, 'Why?'On 15 March 2019, a gunman shot and killed 51 people in two Christchurch mosques, and parents grappled with how to share the terrible news with their children. That's a big 'why?' for anyone to grasp.Now, most of the flowers at the memorial walls have gone and many parents have turned again to school spats, sibling arguments and busy lives.However, clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said it was still important to keep tabs on how children were coping with what happened."It's knowing them enough to know how are they doing, are there some changes in their patterns of behaviour? Is their mood a little bit flatter? If those things are happening, it's about being with them and supporting them around what they're going through."She said some children would be able to move on easily."I think the proof is in the pudding. If kids are doing okay and their routines are back in place and there are no significant changes in terms of personality, then they probably are doing okay."Ms Gallagher said young people who appeared detached from what had happened need not be challenged too robustly."We don't want to say 'do you know just what a big deal this was?' because that's not helpful."However, she said another way to introduce the topic could be to discuss any casual racism that appeared while watching movies or other media."You might bring that to their attention because, yes, the child might go, 'oh yeah, whatever, Mum.' But you're kind of putting it out there and it remains a live issue."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
| 4/17/19 | How to talk to children about the March 15 mosque killings | Following the attacks, parents - who are probably distressed themselves - face the challenge of explaining to kids what happened and why. Katy Gosset looks at what they've been saying.In the wake of the terror attacks in Christchurch, parents - who are probably suffering distress themselves - face the challenge of explaining to their kids what happened and why. Katy Gosset looks at what they've been saying.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.'Three-year-old Sadie* sits on a blanket in North Hagley Park, in the midst of a large crowd. She rustles a bag of chips close to my microphone and clutches her father's arm.She is attending the National Remembrance Day following the 15 March terror attacks in which 51 Muslim worshippers died after being shot at two Christchurch mosques.While she may not be following the speeches from our Prime Minister and members of the Muslim community, her father Michael* says Sadie gets that something big has happened."She understands that a number of people have died and it's very sad but also that she's safe."Still he's been reluctant to provide too much detail"She clearly knows that something's going on. It's trying to figure out the right amount to tell her really."Seven-year-old Ben* has also been pushing for some answers.His mother Jenny* says he'd heard that a gun was involved in the attacks."He said, 'Were people killed?' and we said, 'Yes.' Then he wanted to know how many."She was reluctant to give a specific number."He's seven, so 50, he knows that that's a big number."Her son also asked why it happened."I didn't really know even where to start with that one."What Jenny 'ended up saying' was that a person who was 'really angry" and who 'hated people' had carried out the killings.Because, like all parents, she had to say something.Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said young children initially needed only to hear the basics."In this case they need to know that something scary happened, that the grown-ups all did what they were supposed to do. People got hurt and we're loving and supporting the people who got hurt to help them through this experience."Ms Gallagher said simplifying things did not mean minimising what had happened and she warned against glossing over the events.However, it was important to let children know the immediate danger had passed…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
| 11/28/18 | Teaching tidiness to kids | Why are kids so messy? Is it nature or nurture? And is there any way to make them pick up clothes? Katy Gosset considers how to cultivate the clean gene.Why are kids so messy? Is it nature or nurture? And is there any way to make them pick up clothes and toys? Katy Gosset considers how to cultivate the clean gene.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.'The bane of our existence'. That's how Johnny* sums up the impact of daughter, Rosa's,* mess."Oh, she's terrible, she can be terrible sometimes.""In terms of her room, you can't find anything in it and then she'll come in and ask you, "Where's this and that?'"And he doesn't think he's alone."I think all parents are dealing with it."Plenty of parents are going slowly mad with all the mess but not all for the same reasons.Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher warns temperament, anxiety and an inability to meet parents' expectations are all in the mix."Sometimes parents can worry so much about untidiness that their standards are not realistic and are impossible to keep up with. So if it's impossible to keep up with, why would I even try?"High standards might also make children hope that their parents will take up the slack instead."They may know that, although there's a lot of noise and threat, Mum or Dad will eventually find it intolerable to have a messy room and will clean it out if I wait long enough."Ms Gallagher said for others it was a straight out compliance issue."Tidiness might be just one of the many battles they have with their parents on a day to day basis."And anxiety also played a role, causing some children to be over tidy."Parents might go 'Woo hoo, imagine that being a problem - I don't think so'."But, in fact, if tidiness is such an issue that even something being moved minutely is going to cause a meltdown, then you can see how it can actually be problematic."Other anxieties might make children reluctant to throw out familiar items."So again I might have a hard time throwing out wrappers but if someone removes one of those wrappers then, actually, that makes my world feel pretty chaotic."Last and, probably most annoying (because there's seemingly nothing we can do about it): "For some kids, things being a mess, well, it just doesn't bother them. The idea that life could be easier if my room wasn't a tip and or if I could find things when I need them, just does not register."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
| 11/21/18 | How to discuss gender with kids | Why do girls' t-shirts say "princess" and "pretty" while boys get "wild" or "adventure"? Katy Gosset looks at gender, how it's presented to our kids and how we can encourage them to think differently.Why are girls' t-shirts emblazoned with words like "princess" and "pretty" while the boys get "wild" or "adventure"? Katy Gosset looks at gender, how it's presented to our kids and how we can encourage them to think differently.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.We talk about the baby blues.But the baby "pinks" can be a subtle force, infiltrating clothes, toys and bedroom décor without us really registering it.One mother, Elspeth* has noticed that when she goes shopping for her daughter - she's frustrated by the proliferation of pink."Colour is not assigned when we are born. If you are born a girl, you do not get assigned a colour." She has nothing personal against pink. In fact, her young son is a fan. "He quite likes pink. He gets to wear pink because that's his choice."It's the message that Elspeth objects to, steering girls towards particular colours and choices. "It's consumerism and society that's kind of telling us that."Elspeth and her family operate a "gender neutral household". That means they don't distinguish between traditional girls' or boys' toys or clothing."They can be what they want. They can play with what they want. It might be that they choose the more traditional for that sex but everything is open and everything is an option.Elspeth sews many of her children's clothes and her son and daughter can choose skirts or trousers.Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said offering children choice was an important part of developing their personalities."We want to pay attention to the child in front of them and expose them to experiences that help them grow."She said culture "absolutely" influenced a child's development too."So there's truth in comments about gender being a social construct but only to a certain extent."Ms Gallagher said biology still played a role, harking back to when we were still trying to keep the species going.She said men were "more task orientated, physically stronger to protect their families, less talk, more doing."Meanwhile, women "focussed on child rearing, were more socially and emotionally orientated and better at multi-tasking.""Gender is both a biological and a social construct."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
| 11/14/18 | Helping young people navigate the online world | We used to have just one home 'phone, one TV and maybe one computer, now kids can connect with other people anywhere, from anywhere and anytime. Katy Gosset asks: how do we help them navigate all that?Everything's online these days and that's where our kids hang out every day.Katy Gosset looks at how to keep them safe on social media where not everyone tells the truth.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.When Jo's young son, Sam*, got friended by a bikini-clad babe he 'thought all his dreams had come true in one go'.His mother, Jo*, relates that her 14 year old was approached on Facebook by the older girl."The photo ...was of this absolutely stunningly gorgeous girl jumping off a boat in a bikini into a blue lagoon.""That's not real but, as a mother, I know that."Her adolescent son thought otherwise and was soon sharing plenty of information with his new friend."This girl was befriended and chatting and asking 'Where do you live?' and 'Who are your friends?' and 'What sort of things are you into?'"Jo told Sam to delete her from his account but the damage was already done."It came back to bite us on the bum because we then started getting phone calls in the middle of the night."As it turns out, this person was not a 16 year old girl at all."But that can be hard for a young boy to work out."The people who are trawling the Internet getting information out of kids are just so blimmin' good at it. It is scary," Jo said.She said adults were also frequently 'scammed' on the Internet."You know, we don't pick it up, so how can we trust in children to pick it up?"The answer is to arm them with some practical rules for navigating their online accounts.Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, warned children to be wary of anyone asking too many questions."What conversations or what questions might you start to get concerned about?""Or, actually you get a request from someone you don't know who suddenly wants to get more and more intimate in terms of what they want to know about you. That's a flag."Restricting the use of devices had its place but, long term, parents were better off preparing their children for the cyber environment, she said."We need to teach them how to be critical evaluators of that online world so that they can exist and thrive in this medium."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
| 11/7/18 | Adopting a child in New Zealand | It's not as simple to adopt as it used to be but RNZ's Katy Gosset finds that for the lucky few, the rewards are worth waiting for.It's not as simple to adopt as it used to be but RNZ's Katy Gosset finds that for the lucky few, the rewards are worth waiting for.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.When Michelle's* daughter, Ella*, was four she asked, "Did I grow in your tummy?"Michelle replied: "No, you grew in your birth's mother's tummy."And just like that, they opened the discussion about Ella's adoption into the family."She already had a relationship with this nice woman that came around two or three times a year. It was just simply no big deal."Under the Adoption Act 1955, there is no legal obligation for adoptive parents to maintain contact with their child's birth family.But it is encouraged.Oranga Tamariki care support manager Paula Atrill said adoption peaked in New Zealand in the 1960s and had declined steadily since.Government figures show, in the year ended June 2018, just 132 children were adopted. Other children might be placed in permanent guardianship or Home For Life arrangements.But Ms Atrill said those who did adopt were urged by staff to help their children keep in touch with birth parents."We find that that helps enormously in terms of kids growing up with an intact sense of their identity."For Michelle, it came about naturally when her family moved to the same city as the birth mother."We have a really neat relationship with the biological mother. We see her a lot. We're pretty close. We've navigated a lot of good times and bad times together."Some of those bad times have involved grappling with addiction."When someone puts a child up for adoption, there's a reason for that and, in the case of our daughter, both her parents were drug addicts."Michelle said this meant they could be unreliable, failing to front for meetings or to visit their daughter."They have so many problems just coping with life so they, to a degree, have become our problems...we have to explain why all this is the way it is for our daughter, so she understands why she was given up for adoption."Yet Ella's birth mother delivered when it counted, after Michelle invited her over to help explain the adoption to their daughter…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
| 10/31/18 | Teaching children to cope with failure and frustration | Life doesn't always go to plan. Kids will sometimes fail and feel frustrated. Katy Gosset looks at how we can build resilience in our children.Life doesn't always go to plan. Kids will sometimes fail and feel frustrated. Katy Gosset looks at how we can build resilience in our children.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.To err is human -- so the saying goes - but it seems like some of us forgot to tell our kids.In fact, clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, fears some children aren't learning to handle failure because their parents protect them from negative emotions and experiences.She said modern society gave people the message that unpleasant emotions should be avoided."This is absolutely not true. They are vital and, unless we learn how to identify them and to move through them, we can believe they're wrong and try to avoid them."Ms Gallagher said one such emotion, frustration, usually turned up during tough times, when people were failing at something or when their expectations were not 'aligned with reality'. "It's designed to create an uncomfortable feeling that ideally motivates us to work harder, persevere or get some support in order to make that feeling go away by resolving the situation." However she said some parents' approach was to rescue children from any uncomfortable feelings."We can't all be All Blacks so, if we keep protecting our kids from little failures and frustrations, how do they learn to cope with the bigger ones?"The roll on effect might be to reduce their ability to learn, Ms Gallagher said"It might stop a child having the confidence to try new things where the outcome is not certain or to cope with things that don't fit into their expectations or plans."It was up to parents to help their children experience a range of feelings: "the good, the bad and definitely the ugly'."Children will not sit with hard emotions unless we make this happen""If you're waiting for your children to handle frustration and failure better and you can back off, well, they just simply won't." By identifying and discussing emotions with their children, parents should instead help them to take responsibility for these kind of feelings."In psychology-speak they are moving from us regulating their experience to co-regulation to self-regulation."But if we're waiting for self-regulation at the start we'll be waiting for a long time."This process of introducing emotions could begin when children were babies…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
| 10/24/18 | Raising a Child with a Disability | Raising a disabled child can challenge your expectations but it brings huge rewards and insights. Katy Gosset looks at how to get the best help for you and your child. Parenting a disabled child can challenge your expectations but it brings huge rewards and insights. Katy Gosset looks at how to get the best help for you and your child. Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.Sally's* young son Hamish* is not quite a child in a million - he's more like one in four million.Hamish has a rare chromosome disorder, 49,XXXXY Syndrome."He's the only boy in New Zealand with it that we've found."The syndrome causes intellectual disabilities as well as feeding difficulties that required him to be tube fed for over a year."He seemed to be a baby for so long."Even now feeding is challenging and his balance and attention span have also been affected.The initial diagnosis caused Sally to become severely depressed."The world did crumble and I isolated myself. I needed to deal with the diagnosis on our own before we shared it with friends."With help from Maternal Mental Health Services Sally recovered and she believes access to counselling would be valuable for all parents of a disabled child.However daily life continues to be challenging and Sally and her husband now try to keep routines as simple as possible."He's not very good at transitioning from one place to another. It can take 20 minutes to get out of a building and into a car. Life is just slower with him."Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said parents might fantasise about how their child would be during a pregnancy but the reality was always a bit tougher.She said parents of a disabled child might need to grieve for the path they expected to take but it was important that they viewed their child realistically."To accurately look at who you have in front of you, means that you are then able to see them for what they are and not focus on what they're not. This is really important for a child's sense of self."Ms Gallagher had seen many children with huge disabilities who enjoyed healthy self-esteem, "because their parents have found a way to get their heads around 'Who have we got in front of us and how can we best facilitate this child having a good life ?'"Likewise she had seen clients without disabilities who were "acing the world" but had "self-esteem the size of a gnat" "because they keep expecting more and they feel that who they are in the world is contingent on how well they do."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
| 10/17/18 | Advice on parenting with a disability | Raising kids can be crazy enough. For parents with a disability, it calls for creative thinking and problem solving on a whole new level. Katy Gosset looks at how to tackle the tricky bits.Raising kids can be crazy enough. For parents with a disability, it calls for creative thinking and problem-solving on a whole new level. Katy Gosset looks at how to tackle the tricky bits. Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.Seven years ago Jack* learnt he was going to become a father. His first emotion? Fear.Jack has lived his life with cerebral palsy in what he calls a "love-hate relationship"."Growing up, there were parts that I really liked, that shaped my character and there were parts that I detested and I've struggled with."So, as fatherhood approached, he found himself considering what might lie ahead for his child."My first thought was 'Gee, I hope my child doesn't have a disability because I don't want my child to have to go through what I went through'". As it turned out, his son was not disabled but it's still been quite a journey.Jack's cerebral palsy affects all his limbs so some of the physical parts of childcare were a major challenge "I have pretty good motor control but things like changing a nappy was almost impossible with my hands."Tricky, too, was dressing the baby, tucking tiny limbs into a buttoned Babygro. "It was difficult and I didn't really want to do it because I ended up hurting the baby by trying to get their clothes on."In the end, Jack got creative and, while his wife was working, organised a roster to assist with ablutions."I had my mums and dads on my phone and I would ring up these people and say: 'Look, can you come over and do a nappy change?' and then I'd flick them a box of chocolates or a bottle of wine." Family members who have to adjust to a disability in the family often learn to think laterally early on according to clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher."In terms of problem-solving, the obvious solution may not be possible for them and so they're having to think outside the square and that's a really good life skill."Parents living with a disability share plenty of common ground with other new parents, she says."For many, the challenges are just the same as other parents share who are trying, in their own way, with whatever resources and life experience they have, to give their children the best opportunities to grow and develop."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
| 10/10/18 | How to teach children about death and grieving | Eventually all children will encounter grief when someone close to them dies. Katy Gosset asks: What can parents do to help them through it?It might be a grandparent who's enjoyed a long life. But also, it might not. Accidents happen and death is part of life so, as Katy Gosset learns, we'd better teach our kids to cope with it. Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.Laura's * father died unexpectedly this year. She found herself crying openly around her children, aged just two and four."They saw me at my best and they saw me at my worst and I felt OK with that, whereas I probably would hide it from other people."Still, they needed to know what was going on, so Laura and her husband decided to be upfront about the circumstances" go "Oh where's Grandad gone? What happened ?" "Well, Grandad was sick and he unfortunately died." "We talked to them quite openly about what had happened, identified feelings that we were having," she said."So they could see that, when Mummy is sad, she is sad because Grandad has passed away."It was factual, yet age-appropriate information, including that he had died at home of pneumonia.Laura believed being honest allowed her children to process his death and apply what they'd learnt to other situations." might see a dead bird and go "Oh, the bird's died like Grandad. Mummy, when are you going to die ?" So we had some quite deep conversations."Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher said, in order to cope with grief, children first needed to confront it."Somewhere along the way we've been sold a line that life should not have pain in it and that bad things shouldn't happen to good people."This, she believed, was far from the truth."Life will and should expose us to positive and negative experiences as we grow because, otherwise, how do we learn ?"Ms Gallagher said parents often felt they should protect their children from sad or difficult experiences."The pain of others, especially if they're our children, feels really uncomfortable and distressing and so we often rush to problem solve, "It'll be OK."Yet she said pain could not leave people until it had been acknowledged and validated and those affected needed to get help rather than trying to avoid it."For parents this means we actually need to let our kids feel upset and then support them."It was also important for children to take part in the grieving process alongside their families, she said…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
| 10/3/18 | Why lie? Parenting advice on how to stop kids fibbing | When kids start lying parents start to worry. But how concerned should we be? Katy Gosset tries to get to the truth about what's happening when kids tell fibs.Lies, lies and porky pies. Most children are dishonest at some stage and it drives parents crazy. Katy Gosset talks to a clinical psychologist to get the lowdown on lying.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.It was on her son's Instagram account that Alice* first noticed some talk about fireworks.Knowing she had some in the garage, she poked through the box and commented to him that they seemed to be a bit short.He replied she "must have counted wrong"."I said 'So what fireworks were you playing with that you were bragging about on your Instagram account?' and the face just dropped."Laughing, Alice recalls the moment her son realised he had been "caught big time".That was "one of the doozies" but he'd lied before and, when confronted, said he thought he'd be in less trouble if he concealed the truth." well, you're actually in more trouble now for lying than you would have been for the original sin... So lying is not something I tolerate." Yet clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said this scenario was actually pretty common. "Don't panic... It's a normal part of development."Up until the age of four children had no theory of mind, meaning they believed everyone knew the same things, she said."So it means that, if I know that I'm hiding those Jaffas in my pocket, then you know that too because, in fact, we don't really have separate minds."So I'm not going to lie because what's the point?"However, once children realised they were separate from their parents, they became less truthful, in part, because they lacked an adult's moral compass, Ms Gallagher said."Children aren't mini-adults so we can't hold them to a similar standard with behaviour or moral judgments."They were learning about relationships and the world and would invariably make mistakes, she said."Things hold different meanings for them and lying is a great example of this."Adults were aware that being untruthful could harm relationships and were able to keep those consequences in mind."Kids are far more concrete and, if I don't get caught, well, was it really that wrong?"Young people were also great gamblers, Ms Gallagher said…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details | — | ||||||
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