AuDHD IRL

SummaryThis week I'm joined by Steph Robertson, a neurodivergent occupational therapist, speaker and advocate whose work centres trauma-responsive, neurodiversity-affirming care. Steph is autistic, ADHD, complex PTSD and a plural system, and brings their professional, research and lived experience to everything they do.We dig into the overlap between joy and monotropism: why a monotropic flow state and autistic joy can be such a beautiful recipe together, and how the people around us so often interrupt that flow without meaning to. Steph shares the refrain that came to her while building a presentation on this topic ("not all meaningful occupations are joyful, but all joyful occupations are meaningful"), unpacks the tendril theory in a powerful way, and offers genuinely useful ways to work with a monotropic brain instead of against it, from getting through the hard self-care tasks to giving yourself proper transition time. This one really did light us both up.TakeawaysJoy is foundational, not a bonus. It's not a reward at the end of a session or an added extra, it's an evidence-based way of supporting wellbeing and the actual therapeutic work.A monotropic flow state doesn't have to feel joyful to be valuable. It can be deeply satisfying and grounding even when it isn't "fun."Joy and monotropism can amplify each other. If we're not interrupting someone's flow, we increase the likelihood of joy, and both joy and flow boost learning capacity.We so often interrupt joy without realising. Polytropic environments like schools and busy workplaces ask monotropic minds to task-switch fast, which can "rip the tendrils out" and cause real distress.Work with monotropism, not against it. Often it's less about facilitating flow and more about not getting in the way, plus giving gentle time to transition.Couple hard tasks with something joyful. Steph starts a podcast before she's even out of bed so she can "auto-drive" through the morning routine.Transition time isn't wasted time. Monotropism and transitions are deeply linked, and giving yourself space between tasks may protect you from burnout down the line.Stop policing how joy looks. Stimming, routines, rituals and "childlike" joy at any age all count. Challenging neuronormativity means letting joy be whatever it needs to be for the individual.Resources mentionedTendril theory credited to Erin Human. Read more here.You can find Steph on Instagram at @sgroccupationaltherapy.

This episode is for my fellow PDAers (and the people who love us and are quietly very confused by us). Sharmayne and I had never met before we hit record, which felt weirdly perfect for an episode about nervous systems that do their own thing in real time. What followed was the info dump I have been waiting for.Sharmayne Bennett is a non-binary, neuroqueer, 2E, AuDHD PDA-er and psychologist, founder of Wonderfully Wired Psychology and co-creator of ND AffirmEd. Her glimmers include squirrels, Lego and Shrek, which honestly tells you everything you need to know about why this chat was so good. Her puppy also made a cameo and then point-blank refused to be perceived, which is the most PDA thing I have ever witnessed on camera.We get into what PDA actually is, beyond the tired "rejects every demand" myth, and why the P in pathological has a lot to answer for. Sharmayne walks us through a morning in a PDA brain, where opening your eyes is a demand, moving the bedsheet is a demand, and brushing your teeth is roughly nine demands in a trench coat. We talk about why behaviour is communication but never the whole story, why regulating is itself a demand (rude), and why meltdowns are not the enemy. Picture a shaken Coke bottle: you let the lid off, or it goes flat and fizzes inside anyway.Then we go where it really lands. The 2E perfectionism that makes asking for help feel like failure. The myth that independence is the goal. Self-compassion for a capacity that changes daily, because disability is dynamic, not something you nailed yesterday so must nail today. And co-regulation as adults, including the gift and the weight of being someone's safe person.I could have kept going for three more hours. PDA 2.0 is officially on the cards.TakeawaysPDA is a spectrum, not a switch. Some days the demand is doable, some days it absolutely is not, and both are valid.Every step is a demand. A meltdown is never about that one moment, it is the hours of demands stacked underneath it."Take it off your plate, or is that worse?" Sometimes removing a task helps. Sometimes it just hands you the demand of remembering it later.You cannot manipulate a PDAer. That nervous system clocks everything, so collaboration beats clever tricks every single time.Regulated does not mean calm. You can feel big feelings and still be grounded.If someone says they are PDA, believe them. No research card, no "but maybe you are just demand avoidant." Believe them.Find Sharmayne on Insta at @wonderfullywiredpsychology and through @nd_affirmed.

Summary: Bri sits down with Dr Jacinta Thomson, clinical psychologist, AuDHDer, and director of Time to Untangle Clinical Psychology Services, for one of those conversations where you spend half the time laughing in recognition and the other half going "wait, that's been happening to me this whole time?"The topic is internalised ableism, which sounds like a very serious academic concept and is also the reason you spent twenty minutes yesterday beating yourself up for not being able to do a phone call. Jacinta breaks it down with the kind of clarity and warmth that only comes from someone who is both deeply trained in this space AND regularly hides inside her own dress at professional networking events. She's one of us.Together, Bri and Jacinta explore where internalised ableism actually comes from (spoiler: the world, not you), why it's so easy to compare your worst self to your best self and declare yourself a disaster, and what it looks like to function brilliantly in one context while completely falling apart in another. Jacinta shares some wonderfully honest personal examples, including what it's like to run a successful psychology practice while being completely unable to call the mechanic.There's also a genuinely useful thread about how to catch yourself in a "should" spiral, question where that rule came from, and figure out whether you've just been carrying it around like a bag of bricks that belongs to someone else. The takeaway is not "everything is fine." It's more like: you're not failing at life. You might just be a person with a nervous system, doing a remarkable job of making it work anyway.Key TakeawaysInternalised ableism is absorbed, not invented. Societal messages about "normal" functioning get turned inward and eventually feel less like someone else's rule and more like a fact about who you are.Functioning is contextual, not global. Doing well in one setting doesn't mean you should do well everywhere. Context, structure, predictability and sensory environment all shape capacity enormously.We compare ourselves to ourselves, and that's its own trap. The gap between your "performing well" self and your "struggling" self isn't a character flaw. It reflects how different your capacity can be depending on what accommodations are in place."What's wrong with me?" is the wrong question. When we can't meet an expectation, we tend to question ourselves rather than question the expectation. Asking "where did this rule even come from?" opens the door to a lot more self-compassion.Hidden disability means invisible cost. High-masking AuDHDers may look like they're coping, but there's often significant cost happening behind the scenes that others don't see and systems don't account for.Capacity changes over time and circumstance. Comparing your current functioning to a past version of yourself with fewer demands is neither fair nor useful. Capacity fluctuates, and that's not a failure.The tyranny of the shoulds is real. Those "I should just be able to..." thoughts are worth catching. Pressure is often a signal that someone else's should has landed on you as if it were yours.Ask "but why?" like a persistent five-year-old. Questioning the origin of a rule can reveal how arbitrary many norms actually are and make space for approaches that genuinely work for your brain.Diagnosis doesn't erase support needs. Being a psychologist or running a business does not mean you're not AuDHD. Functioning well in some areas can mask significant support needs in others.You're not lazy, flaky, or not trying hard enough. You might just be operating at capacity in a particular context. Curiosity and compassion, for yourself and for others, is where the real work begins.You can find Jacinta at her website: www.timetotheuntangle.com.au.

Content Warning: This episode contains discussions of chronic pain, injury, disordered health behaviours and addiction, as well as references to neurodivergent experiences including RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria), sensory sensitivities, and the process of autism diagnosis. There is also a brief mention of nocebo effects and catastrophising language in healthcare settings.Summary: Bri sits down with Jordana Martin, founder of Feel Better Pilates in Canberra (where Bri enjoys Pilates classes), for a wide-ranging and genuinely joyful conversation about movement, neurodivergence, and what it looks like to build a space that actually works for brains like ours.Jordana shares her own ND story - identified as ADHD since childhood in a family full of ND folk, an autism diagnosis she suspects, and how she went from not seeing herself as a sporty person at all to becoming a powerlifter and Pilates teacher. She talks candidly about how movement became her version of meditation and regulation, and why that matters so much for neurodivergent people who live a lot of life up in their heads.The conversation takes some brilliant side quests into pain science (including the nocebo effect and why the words a care provider uses can genuinely shape a patient's recovery), the biopsychosocial model of health, hypermobility in the ND community, the boom-and-bust movement patterns many of us fall into, and why "correct form" is largely a myth.Jordana also unpacks the deliberate choices she made in designing Feel Better Pilates, from dim lighting and low-smell environments to rethinking hands-on touch in classes, and why she built it the way she did.Key TakeawaysMovement is regulation. Repetitive, rhythmic movement is inherently soothing for neurodivergent nervous systems, and getting into the body can offer relief from the mental churn that many of us live in.Words matter in healthcare. The nocebo effect is real! A care provider's catastrophising language can worsen outcomes. Jordana's own experience with a physio who told her she'd never lift weights again (she now powerlifts) is a powerful reminder to seek out providers who use empowering, evidence-based language."Correct form" is mostly a myth. Human bodies are robust and designed for varied movement. The goal is progressive strength and feeling good, not aesthetic perfection.Sensory environment matters. A movement space that works for ND people considers lighting, sound, smell, touch consent, and the language used by instructors. If a studio's website makes you uncomfortable, trust that signal.Find the lowest barrier to entry. Go with a friend, book online (eww to no phone calls!), ask for a private intro session if that helps - just remove as many friction points as possible and give yourself one concrete deadline to show up once.The social biopsy is real. Both Bri and Jordana reflect on the experience of enjoying social situations in the moment but paying for it in the 48 hours after - a very common experience for those socialised as girls with ND profiles.You can find Jordana on Instagram at @feelbetterpilates or through her website www.feelbetterpilates.com.au.

Content Warning:Discussion of emotional distress and dysregulationExperiences of feeling unsafe (including in school and home environments)Masking, people-pleasing, and chronic invalidationInner child work (including references to early childhood experiences)Trauma (including developmental / “little t” trauma)Systemic barriers impacting neurodivergent peopleSummary:In this episode, Bri is joined by Christina Schmidt to explore what it truly means to cultivate a felt sense of safety as an AuDHD person, both internally and within the environments we move through.Together, they unpack how safety is not just a cognitive concept, but a deeply embodied, nervous system experience, one that is shaped over time through our relationships, environments, and the ways our needs are responded to (or dismissed).Christina shares powerful reflections from her clinical work, particularly in school settings, highlighting how seemingly small changes, like a new teacher, classroom, or unmet sensory need, can significantly disrupt a child’s sense of safety and capacity to engage. The conversation explores how many AuDHDers grow up experiencing chronic invalidation, being told to “push through,” ignore discomfort, or prioritise others’ needs, and how this can lead to disconnection from self, high masking, and difficulty accessing safety in adulthood.Bri and Christina also introduce pathways back toward safety, including co-regulation, meeting sensory needs, reconnecting with the inner child, and gently shifting attention back toward self.At its core, this episode is a compassionate invitation to move away from self-blame and toward understanding:that safety is not something we “should just have,” but something that is built, supported, and deeply relational.Takeaways:Safety is a felt, embodied experience, not just a thought. It lives in the nervous system, not just the mind.Chronic invalidation disrupts safety. Being told to ignore sensory, emotional, or relational needs teaches AuDHDers that their experience doesn’t matter. Masking often develops to maintain external safety. Many people learn to prioritise others’ comfort over their own, even at a significant internal cost.Environmental changes can deeply impact regulation. Things like new teachers, different tones of voice, lighting, seating, or social dynamics can significantly affect felt safety. You are not “overreacting”; your nervous system is responding. Sensory and emotional sensitivity play a key role in how safety is experienced.Co-regulation is powerful. Safe people can help us access regulation when we can’t do it alone.You don’t have to do it all yourself. Reaching safety can involve others, environments, and supports, not just internal effort.Your needs deserve to come first, too. Shifting away from constant people-pleasing is part of building safety.Inner child work can support healing. Many experiences of unsafety are rooted in early life, and can be gently met with compassion and validation now.Safety is shaped by systems, not just individuals. Social structures, expectations, and environments can either support or block access to safety.There is no one way to feel safe. For some, it might feel like warmth, stillness, softness, or “amber light”, for others, something entirely different.Safety can start small. Meeting sensory needs, softening expectations, or connecting with one safe person can be a starting point.You can find Christina on Instagram at @freetobeme.speech.

Content Warning:Burnout and chronic exhaustionWorkplace stress and misalignmentPeople-pleasing and self-sacrificeParenting stress (including early childhood challenges)Internal pressure, overwhelm, and productivity strugglesSummary: In this episode, Bri sits down with Adina to explore what it really looks like to build a life and business that actually fits an AuDHD brain, not one shaped by neurotypical expectations.Adina shares her journey from speech pathology private practice owner to burnout, and the pivotal moment where everything “collided”, forcing her to completely rethink how she worked, led, and lived. Through that process, she began deeply examining her needs, energy, and capacity, realising that the “expected” path (growing a team, scaling a business, pushing through) wasn’t sustainable for her neurotype. Instead, she rebuilt a business model centred around autonomy, flexibility, and alignment. The conversation explores the tension between internal drives (like urgency, hyperfocus, and overwork) and the need for rest, boundaries, and self-compassion. It also highlights how tools like AI can act as accessible supports for decision-making, boundary-setting, and reducing cognitive load.At its core, this episode is about letting go of “shoulds” and moving toward small, intentional steps that honour your actual brain and capacity.Takeaways:You don’t have to follow the “expected” path. The traditional progression (grow, scale, lead a team) isn’t right for everyone, especially for many neurodivergent brains. Burnout can be a turning point, not just a breaking point. Moments where everything “collides” can create space to rebuild something more aligned. Self-examination is the foundation of an aligned life. Regularly asking “what actually works for me?” is what allows meaningful change — not guessing or copying others.Autonomy isn’t a luxury, it’s often a need. Many AuDHDers thrive when they can control environment, schedule, communication, and workflow.Internal demands can be louder than external ones. ADHD urgency + autistic deep focus can create intense internal pressure, even without external deadlines. You don’t need to do everything at once. Small, iterative changes are often safer and more sustainable than “all or nothing” leaps.AI can be an accessibility tool — not a replacement for thinking. It can help with decision-making, scripting boundaries, and reducing overwhelm, while you stay in control. People-pleasing and self-advocacy can coexist. You can care about others and still set boundaries that honour your needs.Time-for-money work can be limiting (and exhausting). Diversifying income (even slightly) can create more flexibility, capacity, and sustainability.Creativity and joy matter, even without productivity. Doing things just because they feel good (not because they’re useful or profitable) is regulating and necessary.The goal isn’t perfection, it’s alignment. You don’t need a perfect system, just one that fits you better over time.“Little steps toward something that fits you better” is the work. Sustainable change happens through small, ongoing adjustments, not overnight transformation. Adina can be found on Instagram at @differently.aligned (Business Coaching) and @play.learn.chat (Therapy focus).

Content Warning:Discussion of trauma (including “little t” developmental trauma)People-pleasing, masking, and burnoutEmotional overwhelm and RSDGender expectations and systemic pressuresBrief mention of distressing childhood experiencesSummary: In this deeply validating and expansive conversation, Bri sits down with Em from NeuroWild (an autistic ADHD speech pathologist, illustrator, and advocate) to explore what it really means to grow up, parent, and exist in a neuronormative world.Together, they unpack the hidden costs of being the “easy,” “good,” or “pleasing" child, and how patterns like people-pleasing, perfectionism, and masking follow many AuDHDers into adulthood.Em shares the realities behind NeuroWild, from creative bursts and burnout cycles, to raising neurodivergent kids in a way that centres safety, autonomy, and connection over compliance.The episode challenges common therapeutic ideas (like “big vs small problems”), questions the push for independence, and reframes emotional intensity as something meaningful, not something to suppress.At its core, this is a conversation about unlearning: unlearning “shoulds,” unlearning sameness, and learning to build lives, and families, grounded in safety, authenticity, and the long game.Takeaways:You’re not “too much”, your environment might be too mismatched. Emotional intensity isn’t a flaw. It’s information.“Big reactions” aren’t the problem. Trying to suppress them for convenience often causes more harm than good.People-pleasing is learned, not inherent. Many AuDHDers were rewarded for being “easy,” and are now unlearning it.We need to stop teaching compliance and start teaching safety. Kids (and adults) thrive when they feel safe, not when they’re forced to perform.Independence isn’t the ultimate goal, connection is. Interdependence is human. Needing support is not failure.We’re playing the long game. The goal isn’t a “well-behaved child”, it’s a safe, self-aware adult.Not everything deserves a “yes”. It’s okay to leave, cancel, or opt out, even if you’ve paid, planned, or committed.Start asking: “whose expectation is that?”. A lot of what we chase isn’t ours, it’s inherited from systems that don’t fit us.You can find Em on instagram at @neurowild_, on facebook as NeuroWild, and online at www.neurowild.com.au.

Content Warning - This episode includes discussion of:Experiences of being misunderstood, shamed, or corrected for communication differencesNeurodivergent masking and social challengesWorkplace and school-based communication difficultiesPlease take care while listening and pause if needed.Summary: In this episode, Bri sits down with AuDHD speech pathologist Cammy to explore the nuanced, often overlooked world of communication preferences in AuDHDers. Together, they unpack how communication is far more than just “talking and understanding”, it includes how we tell stories, ask for help, process language, use tone, and navigate relationships.Cammy shares insights from both her lived experience and clinical work, highlighting how many AuDHDers have been misunderstood or even shamed for the way they communicate. The conversation dives into directness, sensitivity, scripting, and the push-pull of AuDHD traits, while emphasising that communication is dynamic, relational, and deeply personal.They also explore the importance of self-awareness, collaboration, and accommodations, from communication profiles to visual supports, and how both neurodivergent people and their environments share responsibility in creating understanding.Ultimately, this episode is an invitation to move away from “fixing” communication, and toward honouring, understanding, and supporting it. Key Takeaways:Communication is more than speech. It includes storytelling style, tone, pacing, literal vs non-literal language, help-seeking, and more. There is no “right” way to communicate. Differences are neutral. What matters is understanding and supporting them, not correcting them. Directness and sensitivity can co-exist. Many AuDHD people are both direct and deeply sensitive, which can create relational tension that needs open conversation. Relationships are the foundation. Communication works best when there is reciprocity, repair, and ongoing dialogue about what works for each person. Scripting is a valid and helpful tool. It can act as a starting point - “copy, paste, then personalise” - rather than something rigid or inauthentic. Self-awareness comes first. Clinicians (and everyone!) need to understand their own communication preferences before supporting others. Accommodations support authentic communication. Tools like communication profiles, visual supports, and environmental adjustments help people communicate the way they want to. AuDHDers shouldn’t carry all the load. Communication is a shared responsibility. Environments, clinicians, teachers, and peers all play a role. If in doubt… ask. The most powerful (and often underused) tool: ask the person about their communication preferences.You can get in touch with Cammy via email at cammy@letstalksp.com.au and over Instagram at @lets.talkneurodiversity.

Summary: Dive into a lively conversation about how AuDHD, identity, and self-expression intertwine through hair, fashion, and everyday choices. Charlotte (a hairdresser) and Bri explore how embracing our differences can foster confidence, control, and community. They discuss how being proud of our differences and showing it on the outside can signal safety to others. They also discuss parenting AuDHDers who want to experiment with their looks, how experimenting with looks can be regulating, and how being in control of something like your hairstyle can help with transitions and change. Charlotte also shares what it's like to give someone their first ever haircut, and gives advice to those who are nervous to get a cut.Takeaways: AuDHD and Self-Expression: Embracing your AuDHD identity can significantly influence personal style and self-image, allowing individuals to express their identity authentically.Dopamine Dressing: This concept highlights the joy and confidence that come from wearing clothes that stimulate positive emotions.Creating Safe Spaces: It's crucial to provide environments where AuDHD individuals, especially children and teens, can express themselves freely and feel understood.Practical Accommodations: Offering tailored experiences, such as sensory-friendly haircuts, can make a significant difference for autistic or ADHD clients.Autonomy and Identity: Encouraging autonomy in style choices helps reinforce a sense of control and self-acceptance, fostering a positive self-image.You can find Charlotte on Instagram at @charlotte_thehairstylist, or through @brushnbroom.

Content warning: mention of suicidality, parental burnout, trauma and stress. Listen with care.Summary: In this heartfelt episode, Hollie-Ann shares her experience as an AuDHD mother navigating diagnosis, parenting, advocacy, and self-care with host Bri Thomas. Hollie-Ann's story highlights the importance of community, self-awareness, and embracing strengths on the parenting journey. She is honest about the tough stuff, and encouraging exactly where it's needed. This episode addresses societal taboos, intersectionality, parenting strategies, and community building within neurodivergent and queer spaces. It offers actionable insights for parents, caregivers, and advocates aiming to foster understanding and self-compassion.Takeaways:The impact of being AuDHD on identity and parenthoodBuilding community and advocating for neurodivergent familiesThe challenges of parenting with additional support needs and navigating systemsStrategies for self-care, energy management, and co-regulationAddressing societal taboos: ableism, loneliness, and mental health in parentingThe importance of parenting to strengths and modelling regulationRecognising and honouring fluctuating capacities and micro-moments of self-careYou can find Hollie-Ann on Instagram at @neuroinclusiveeducation.

Overview: In this engaging conversation, Jess, a registered psychologist, shares her journey of discovering her autism and ADHD. She discusses her early career experiences, the importance of lived experience in psychology, and the challenges of masking in social situations. Jess emphasises the push-pull dynamic between autism and ADHD, exploring how it affects her daily life and interactions. The conversation highlights the significance of self-advocacy, understanding one's own needs, and the importance of going with the tussle in your own brain.Takeaways:Understanding one's neurodivergent identity can lead to greater self-acceptance.Masking is a common coping mechanism for AuDHDers.The push-pull dynamic between autism and ADHD can be exhausting.Self-advocacy is crucial in navigating social situations.Community support enhances well-being for neurodivergent individuals.Recognising bodily cues can help manage overwhelm.It's important to lean into one's thoughts and feelings.Working with the tug of war rather than fighting it leads to better outcomes.You can find Jess on instagram at @pinkzebra.psychology

In this conversation, Bri and Rosie (from Uniquely Wired) explore the themes of perfectionism and rejection sensitivity, particularly in the context of being AuDHD. Rosie shares her personal experiences as an autistic ADHDer and how these influence her life and work. They discuss the pressures of perfectionism, the emotional costs associated with it, and practical strategies for managing these experiences. The conversation emphasises the importance of self-compassion, understanding one's inner child, and the value of community support in navigating these challenges.You can find Rosie on instagram at @rosie.uniquelywired.Takeaways:Perfectionism can lead to self-inflicted pressure and disappointment.Rejection sensitivity often accompanies perfectionism, creating a cycle of anxiety.It's important to recognise and validate one's feelings about grades and achievements.Self-compassion is crucial in managing perfectionism and RSD.Creating a rubric that includes personal values can help alleviate pressure.Celebrating small wins and progress is essential for mental well-being.Having supportive people around can help identify perfectionistic tendencies.Exploring the origins of perfectionism can provide insight and healing.It's okay to feel disappointed about unmet expectations; those feelings are valid.Being gentle with oneself is a necessary part of the journey.

In this deep, real and silly interview between Bri and her wife Beth, Beth helps Bri uncover some truths about her experience with masking, burnout, small talk and more. They chat AuDHD origin stories and coming out as AuDHD (which for Bri was her second coming out). Bri loved being interviewed by someone who knew her so well, and the laughter is off the chain. You'll feel like you're in the room with them.