Beat Around The Bench Podcast

Episode 130 Barenaked Larch - A Critical Review★★★★½What a remarkable evening at the podcast theater! This latest production from the Beat Around the Bench ensemble masterfully blends botanical education with culinary discourse while maintaining an absurdist comedy undercurrent that would make Beckett weep into his sawdust.The opening act establishes dramatic tension with a philosophical inquiry into larch itself, revealing it as a deciduous conifer that bears cones yet sheds its needles in autumn. When Jess delivers his deadpan observation that his toenails do that sometimes, we enter a surrealist landscape where arboreal discourse and podiatric confessions occupy the same philosophical plane.Colton's avant-garde performance piece involving sweet potato coins, smash burgers and burger sauce on tortillas represents culinary rebellion against conventional wrapping methodology. His monologue about toasting the burrito itself on the griddle demonstrates a character who dares to ask what if the vessel itself could be transformed. Revolutionary theater at its finest.The centerpiece is Ross's extended soliloquy on the Milwaukee cordless paint sprayer, a meditation on technology and man's relationship with his tools. His passionate discourse on belt-mounted reservoirs and battery technology transforms product placement into Shakespearean examination. When he laments cleaning nozzles, we feel Sisyphus pushing his boulder as paint residue clogs the mechanism of progress.The Survivor Trees segment elevates the production to operatic heights. Jess's narration of the Callery pear surviving September 11th rubble transcends historical recitation, becoming a meditation on resilience and nature's indomitable spirit. His restrained yet powerful performance guides us through the emotional landscape with a master storyteller's steady hand.The Dragon Blood Trees finale contemplates umbrella-shaped Socotra flora that exude crimson resin and practice passive water harvesting through fog capture. The technical dialogue about resin saturation demonstrates botanical accuracy that makes serious dramaturgs swoon.Minor quibbles prevent five stars, the pacing occasionally meanders and extended technological silences could benefit from musical underscoring. Yet these are trifling concerns in an otherwise tour de force. The ensemble chemistry crackles with authentic camaraderie as Jess narrates, Ross philosophizes and Colton provides comic relief without descending into buffoonery.In conclusion, Barenaked Larch represents everything we expect from these players, intellectual rigor wrapped in conversational ease, technical expertise without condescension and abiding love for woodworking and ancient trees. Essential listening for anyone who appreciates performance art asking big questions like can tortillas contain all things and is fifteen hundred dollars too much for a cordless paint sprayer.The answer is decidedly complex, much like the larch itself.HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

Jess makes his triumphant return after an amazing Puerto Rico vacation where he spent days laying by the pool eating taking naps and exploring the islands and he worked until 745 PM then drove an hour to make it to the podcast recording because he is a true championThe crew dives into Puerto Rico real estate opportunities where Jess discovered you can live in downtown San Juan for just a thousand bucks a month in a two story apartment or buy one and rent the bottom to a business while living upstairs which is perfect for anyone with a remote work jobChristmas food traditions take center stage as the guys share their favorites with Jess revealing his massive cookie baking operation that went through 28 sticks of butter 10 pounds of sugar 8 pounds of brown sugar and 15 pounds of flour plus making 550 Ritz cracker peanut butter sandwiches dipped in chocolate almond bark to give out to everyoneColton shares his family tradition of chicken fried venison backstrap with his mom's signature dark gravy that she makes from all the cooking drippings and it is tenderized and breaded perfectly with just the right amount of salt making it his mom's most iconic mealRoss talks about his aunt's roast beef and Yorkshire pudding which is a traditional English meal that she only makes once a year on Christmas day because it is more difficult to prepare than you would think but it means Christmas to him since Yorkshire pudding is like a thick pita that is sweet and buttery like a crepeThe conversation touches on Starlink being an option for remote work in places like Belize where Colton tried to record from Cory and Larry's place but the WiFi was too shoddy though apparently that has been fixed now so maybe they can actually work from thereRoss drops essential washing machine maintenance knowledge about spraying bleach on the gasket and leaving it to dry which eliminates mold and bacteria plus using special fresh tablets that dissolve pet hair every two weeks so it can flush out of the filters instead of building up with bacteriaThe crew discusses how harsh chemicals can eat hair without messing up clothes and Jess explains that lye is basically what super drain cleaner is made of since it eats anything organic which is why it works so well on clogsJess delivers an incredibly detailed hot water heater repair tutorial explaining that most tanks have two heating elements and you can check the wattage on the side sticker then turn off the 220 power drain the tank through the garden hose connection at the bottom and flip the pressure release valve to speed up drainingThe hot water heater lesson continues with Jess explaining how to identify broken heating elements that have breaks in them which means the circuit is no longer complete so only one tank heats or nothing heats at all and you can replace these for just 18 to 30 dollars instead of paying hundreds for a plumberJess shares his multiple trips to Home Depot saga trying to fix a leaking 1970s shutoff valve that was soldered in and discovering it works just like a water hose spigot with a nut under the handle that tightens a rubber gasket around the shaft which he was able to clean up and tighten instead of replacing

The guys agree that Alanis Mortise Set might be the best episode title so far and kick off Thanksgiving week with Colton already up in Tioga at his in laws place chopping wood and doing horse stuff while Jess is staying local because they have a big trip planned for early DecemberRoss reveals his Thanksgiving menu game is next level with a 12 to 14 hour Cajun smoked turkey using mesquite wood and injecting flavor underneath the skin like turkey Botox plus a 14 pound brisket and he shares his third favorite which is Greek style lamb roast that requires cross hatching the meat and shoving whole garlic cloves down into the skinThe crew dives deep into the perfect lamb preparation technique which involves covering the entire roast in olive oil and rosemary then slow cooking at 180 to 200 degrees for 10 hours before kicking it up to 250 for the final two hours and Ross explains you have to put it in the night before to get that perfect fall off the bone textureThis episode delivers the promised Deep Cut hair trivia segment covering everything from barbers being the original multi tool professionals to beards representing power fashion and rebellion throughout history plus mustaches going through their own eras with styles like the handlebar walrus Fu Manchu chevron and that pencil thin villain lookThe guys drop some incredible mustache facts including that Tom Selleck had his signature Magnum PI mustache insured for over a million dollars and he was originally discovered as the Marlboro man before becoming a Hollywood icon which explains his rugged lookThey reveal that Salvador Dali famously stiffened his pencil thin mustache with shellac and waxed it vertically to impossible angles creating his trademark surrealist look and the word mustache actually comes from the Greek word mystax which translates to lip bristle or upper lip hairColton shares a story about dressing up as Tom Selleck for Halloween which is when his wife Crystal fell in love with him and there is apparently a secret bar in Houston called the handlebar with Tom Selleck pictures all over the walls constantly playing his movies on the TVsJess launches into a passionate snipe about Home Depot trailer parking spots being taken by regular vehicles when contractors with actual trailers need them and he cannot understand why Home Depot does not enforce the rules better especially since there are literally a thousand other parking spots availableThe conversation shifts to practical shop knowledge with Jess explaining the three four five rule for squaring corners using basic trigonometry where you measure three feet one way four feet the other way and if the diagonal between those points is exactly five feet then you have a perfect 90 degree cornerRoss shares two essential home maintenance nuggets including using SharkBite fittings for copper pipe connections which plumbers might not love but work great for amateur DIYers and the importance of updating old fixtures like shutoff valves and gas line connections when you have appliances pulled out since his 1976 original connections were causing water damage

The crew welcomes special guest Chad Schimmel from Turners Warehouse who Colton literally ran into by accident when he called their shop at 450 PM on one of his last days in Arizona and they were still waiting for the mail so he got to tour the whole facility and meet Chad who has been using the mullet technique ever sinceChad shares his incredible journey from being a woodturner hobbyist in Arizona to building a full time business and eventually starting Turners Warehouse which specializes in everything woodturning with a focus on pens and resin casting work making them the go to niche store for turners instead of being like Woodcraft with a little bit of everythingJess opens up about how woodturning is his absolute favorite type of woodworking because it is so personal and hands on with just you and the lathe creating something unique and he talks about the big Grizzly lathe he had at his last company where they would turn 40 inch legs for bar height tables which was a long process but incredibly satisfyingThe guys discuss how woodturning gives you that instant gratification because you can start and finish a project in just a couple hours compared to cabinet work or other woodworking projects that might take days or weeks or even months depending on how much shop time you can squeeze inChad reveals he has an 1805 foot powered treadle lathe that he rescued from a Bass Pro Shop where it was sitting in the Arizona sun getting destroyed after being a mint condition display inside the store and he plans to fully restore it with all the hand forged metal parts and actually use it to turn projects the old school wayThe conversation dives into how Chad got started in turning by making fishing lures on a lathe because he loves to fish and was making replicas of old Heddon lures before discovering pen kits at Woodcraft and eventually making so many pens for gifts that he decided to sell them just to get his money backChad explains his massive vacuum chamber setup in his shop that looks like a witches brew with multiple buckets bubbling away and how it is used for stabilizing wood and removing air bubbles from resin casting which is a huge part of the business at Turners Warehouse for making custom pen blanks and turning projectsThe discussion shifts to Facebook Marketplace horror stories where people try to lowball offers and haggle backwards offering less money after you counter their initial offer or asking you to deliver a 400 pound table saw 30 miles away for 25 bucks or ghosting after agreeing to a priceJess shares his experiences with people trying to guilt trip him into lower prices by claiming to be single mothers when selling appliances and how the whole Facebook Marketplace experience has become such a widespread frustration that there are TikTok memes and videos about it including that hilarious guy who acts out if Facebook Marketplace happened in real lifeRoss reminds everyone that next week the crew will be sharing their Black Friday deals and steals list for all the best woodworking tool bargains and Jess mentions his Brad nailer died so he might be getting a new Milwaukee M18 two inch nailer because they do not make that size in the M12 line

The guys kick things off with some hilarious memories about House of Pain's Jump Around and how it became the ultimate party anthem at college house parties and even makes entire stadiums literally shake at University of Wisconsin football gamesHalloween candy showdown gets real as the crew debates their favorites from Snickers and Reese's to the controversial Almond Joy while Colton defends his love of coconut in everything including coconut water which leads to some serious trash talk about candy corn being the worst Halloween candy ever inventedJess shares an awesome story about how his mom used to make homemade Reese's style peanut butter bars back in the 80s at school lunch which sparked his lifelong obsession with the perfect combination of peanut butter and chocolateThe conversation takes a turn into shop safety territory as the hosts get serious about woodworking accidents and share their personal experiences with close calls in the workshop including table saw incidents and the importance of always knowing where your emergency supplies are locatedRoss drops some incredible knowledge about keeping hockey tape in the shop as an essential first aid tool because it stretches well and you can apply it with one hand if you get injured plus you can rip it with your teeth which makes it way better than regular athletic tape for emergenciesThe crew talks about proper first aid kit placement in your workshop and why your eye wash station needs to be somewhere you could find with your eyes closed because when accidents happen you need immediate access to emergency supplies without climbing ladders or searching aroundJess gets real about infection being a massive concern in woodworking shops because even though your shop might look clean it is always dirty and even a minor cut can become a serious problem if not treated properly with disinfectant immediatelyThey discuss how clean cuts from table saws are actually better for reattachment surgery compared to other types of shop injuries but the real danger comes from tripping hazards impalement risks and head injuries from cast iron equipment or falling while carrying heavy cabinetsThe guys share stories about job site safety including why rebar needs those little orange caps and how Jess nearly got impaled by plumbing pipes sticking out of an epoxy floor that blended in perfectly with the clouds design which could have been a final destination momentEveryone agrees that shop accidents are not a matter of if but when so the most important thing is to slow down no matter what deadline you are facing because rushing in the workshop is when people get hurt and no project is worth losing a finger or worse

• Burger bonanza kicks off with Five Guys extra bacon recommendations competing against Kuma's Corner heavy metal burger joints serving half-pound pretzel bun creations named after metal bands while Goblin Cock burger combines Vienna beef hot dog toppings creating food comas lasting entire weekends• Guest introduction welcomes Justin Hobart from Ambrose Design whose woodworking journey began working maximum security prison sixteen-hour shifts before basement craftsman table saws launched ring-making operations using mini lathes and diamond inlays while spray foam insulation jobs provided sweaty Tyvek suit misery• Rapid-fire questions reveal cats dominate jerk animal rankings while horse-sized duck battles seem manageable compared to fifty duck-sized horses plus potato life goals involve finding Mrs. Potato Head and Taylor Swift karaoke requires ten drinks minimum before attempting• Prison code education teaches "12" means police presence somewhere nearby while Chicago terminology differs creating regional communication mysteries plus TED Talk expertise centers on inspecting cat buttholes demonstrating questionable presentation topics• Ross jewelry cabinet saga continues with drawer rail disasters requiring complete disassembly after forgotten lock channels plus moving blanket grease stains and blue fuzzies destroying fresh white paint forcing shop returns and customer negotiations for high-gloss lacquer upgrades• Benjamin Moore accent paint promises lacquer-like curing over two weeks requiring proper spray tip sizing switching from 313 to 210 nozzles preventing drip catastrophes while JC Licht paint store expertise saves projects from Home Depot bear cabinet enamel mediocrity• Undermount drawer glide advocacy intensifies as side-mount failures plague forty-inch wide drawers creating alignment nightmares while commercial cabinet companies embrace adjustable clips allowing seasonal wood movement without constant carpenter frustration• Construction progress includes Hardy siding installations over Tyvek weatherproofing plus PVC trim preventing Florida rot while custom door frame reconstruction requires super glue wood filler tricks repairing butchered hinge pockets creating professional results from disaster scenarios• Screwdriver history deep-dive explores Leonardo da Vinci's 1400s thread-cutting machine designs plus Henry Phillips 1936 cross-head patents revolutionizing Ford assembly lines while P.L. Robertson's superior square drive failed globally because licensing stubbornness lost to Phillips cooperation• Interactive trivia game starts contestants with thousand-dollar stakes bidding on fastener knowledge questions covering everything from coal tar synthetic dye origins to metric bolt 10.9 strength ratings representing thousand-megapascal tensile capacities with ninety-percent yield ratios• Metallurgy mysteries reveal grade-eight bolts display six radial lines on heads indicating 150,000 PSI tensile strength while 316 stainless steel provides marine-grade corrosion resistance and quenching-tempering processes harden steel through 1500-degree heating followed by rapid cooling• Final scores show Ross dominating at $2,450 while Justin maintains respectable $150 historical references separate winners from losers in fastener knowledge competition• Pricing wisdom shares material-plus-twenty-percent formulas plus triple-material-cost shortcuts for smaller projects while deposit requirements prevent sketch-drawing theft and hourly rates between fifty-to-sixty dollars cover garage operations versus commercial shop overhead demanding higher rates• Snuggets deliver Craftsman door jig warnings about useless router bits plus diamond plate sharpening stone recommendations for field chisel maintenance while elderly driver safety concerns prompt family discussions about retesting requirements protecting communities from intersection disasters

• Chocolate confessions launch the show with dark chocolate sea salt pretzels competing against chocolate peanut butter fudge brownies while Jess describes Halloween ghost cupcakes involving Oreos with orange filling and brownie mix creating spooky treats that impressed his wife Ashley's seasonal decoration obsession• Baby Charlie steals the spotlight making surprise camera appearances during Colton's solo dad duties while Crystal attends Dancing with the Stars watch parties forcing impromptu childcare negotiations and witching hour bottle battles that threaten podcast completion• Texas Woodworking Festival discoveries blow Colton's mind with Air Weights vacuum tables featuring customizable grid systems that section off suction zones plus revolutionary vacuum dogs that turn bench dog holes into clamping systems without traditional clamps• Clear Boot dust collection innovations combine laser positioning systems for perfect bit alignment with transparent acrylic strips replacing traditional brush fingers allowing visual monitoring during delicate CNC operations while maintaining dust extraction efficiency• Stone Coat epoxy expansions include penetrating formulas and ultra-deep three-inch applications plus urethane topcoats that roll on like paint while Boss Dog introduces colored wood glues with acetone-based CA accelerators preventing bubble formation during curing• Angie's List sales trap nearly ensnares Colton with sweet-talking representatives pushing year-long contracts costing five grand for questionable leads until Jess and Ross intervene with horror stories about credit card charges and fake phone numbers plus prepaid card protection strategies• Construction reality checks reveal cabinet tariff increases hitting seven and a half percent while Jess navigates county inspection marathons covering everything from insulation installation to drywall screw patterns plus front porch reconstruction replacing rotted cedar posts with pressure-treated alternatives• Shaker drawer front masterclass emerges when Ross seeks guidance creating twelve painted fronts leading to detailed domino joinery tutorials with climbing cut router techniques and radius corner sanding plus half-inch plywood center panels creating professional results• Lumber education revolution combines history lessons with interactive trivia covering nominal dimensions revealing two-by-fours measuring one-and-a-half by three-and-a-half inches while exploring stamp meanings like KD for kiln-dried and PT for pressure-treated lumber• Plywood grading mysteries get decoded through A-B-C-D classifications where A represents paintable cabinet grade and CDX means construction sheathing with exterior glue while FSC certification ensures Forest Stewardship Council approved sustainable harvesting practices• Board foot mathematics challenge listeners calculating twenty board feet for eight-quarter lumber measuring twelve inches wide by ten feet long while quarter-sawn techniques create vertical grain patterns essential for figured woods like tiger oak and zebra wood• Workshop wisdom includes Ross's dado relief cuts solving oversized drawer problems plus Jess's job site cleanup revelations improving customer relations and inspector impressions while Colton learns valuable lessons about seeking advice before signing sales contracts

• Crustacean talk kicks things off with crawfish boils described as eating cockroaches from ditches while Ross discovers Virginia Beach crab cakes the size of baseballs with zero filler that make landlocked Chicagoland versions look like sad breadcrumb sandwiches• Colton finally pulls the trigger on shop electricity after writing Centerpoint a check though the five to eight week wait has him considering temporary power solutions while exploring contractor work with SWE homes and reconnecting with Rick who just dropped thirteen grand on a laser cleaning machine that can strip paint off drywall across the room• Poison ivy becomes the episode villain attacking Colton in places that shall remain nameless while he channels his grief into songwriting for his grandfather's funeral using Zach Bryan melodies to capture fishing memories and family time themes• Jess returns from New Jersey family time with shirt printing machine connections before discovering his concrete removal nightmare doubled when plumbers demanded another trench for proper drainage while juggling work from home customers who freak out about power outages during electrical upgrades• Built-in cabinet designs meet reality when expensive plantation shutters don't fit the new configuration forcing difficult conversations about seven thousand dollar window treatments versus custom cabinetry dreams while Ashley handles the growing bid workload with professional scripts• Trailer organization becomes an art form as Jess transforms his twenty-four foot beast into a mobile workshop complete with electric jack systems and custom shelving that required cutting sixty-seven degree angles his chop saw couldn't handle until he got creative with wedge blocks• Ross tackles rolling jewelry cabinet construction with locking mechanisms and removable glass tops while figuring out battery-powered LED lighting systems that need magnetic mounting solutions for portable display cases that can roll around retail spaces• Work truck history spans from horse-drawn wagons to Model T runabouts revealing that pickup truck terminology originated in nineteen twenty-five when Ford first offered factory-installed beds instead of chassis-only sales requiring custom carpenter-built wooden cargo areas• Electric vehicle debates explore charging infrastructure challenges and carbon capture gasoline production while non-alcoholic beer production gets explained through fermentation timing and dilution techniques for those maintaining sobriety goals during business building phases• Workshop nuggets include motion-sensor LED strips that charge via USB-C for trailer lighting systems plus Kreg jig depth adjustments for thinner plywood that prevents screw blowout while LED strip connectors save the day when expensive light installations get damaged during installation