Become A Calm Mama

Today I'm getting into a topic that I hear about constantly from parents - lying. Is lying normal? What does it mean? And most importantly, what do we actually do about it?There are a bunch of reasons that kids lie. When you understand why it's happening, it becomes much easier for you to respond in a calm way - without getting really angry, blowing up, shutting them down, or criticizing.You'll Learn:Why kids lie (and yes, it's totally normal)What to do when your kid lies (with lots of scripts and examples)How to combine compassion and consequences5 ways to encourage honesty in your familyRead the full blog post here.----------------------------------------Related Episodes:Episode 2.15: 3 Essential Beliefs Kids for Emotional HealthEpisode 2.16: The Connection ToolEpisode 2.20: Preventing Meltdowns | Teaching Kids Self Control Long-Term (How to have a coaching conversation)Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Toolkit!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Toolkit hereConnect With Darlynn:Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tipsRate and review the podcast on Itunes

Summer planning doesn't have to mean overwhelm. Learn how to stay calm with kids while building a summer that feels good (not just looks good on your calendar). In this episode, we go beyond schedules and camps to explore the mindset shifts, emotional regulation strategies, and practical tools that help you actually enjoy summer while handling the chaos that comes up. Because the way you think about summer matters just as much as what you plan.You’ll Learn:Why summer planning starts with your thoughtsA little trick to make your new thoughts feel more trueSummer routines and limits to decide in advanceThe inevitable challenges of summer (it's not just you!)How to avoid summer burnout as a momThe goal is that when you send your kids off to school in the fall, you can look back on this summer and think, "That was fun." Let’s make it happen!---------------------------------------Whether you already have the entire summer planned out or you're winging it and hoping for the best, these tips will help you to feel comfortable and confident heading into the summer break.I like to think of summer preparation in 3 different parts:Your summer mindsetYour summer planYour summer confidenceWhen you put these 3 pieces together, you end up with a summer that feels good for you, with a healthy combination of routine and freedom.Your Summer MindsetWhen I talk about mindset, the basic idea is that your feelings come from thoughts that you have. So by choosing the thoughts you want to focus on, you can feel the way you want. The way you think about summer and lots of open-ended time with your kids determines how you feel.If you go into the summer thinking, "This is going to be hard," or, "I don't like spending this much time with my kids," it is going to feel a lot harder.Summer is a long haul. It means a LOT of time with your kids, especially if you don't have childcare. Your kid is going to misbehave and have big feelings and complain and be too hot and overtired. You are going to feel tired. There are going to be hard days.Lots of parents get to the end feeling burned out, overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, and resentful. But you can also get to the end of summer feeling joyful, present, and with some really great memories.The first thing I want you to do is think about how you want to remember this summer. How do you want to feel about it? What thoughts do you want to have about it? How do you want to feel about yourself and your kids? What do you want the tone of your summer to be?Some examples of things you might want to chase are:JoyFunGratitudeDelightConnectionEaseChallengeOnce you're clear on what feelings you want to chase, you can set an intention to guide you.Let's say that you decide you're all about chasing fun this summer. Write down a few thoughts that you want to have about your summer, your kids, and yourself. These thoughts might feel like a bit of a stretch. It's a bit of a mix between making them believable and "fake it til you make it".Here are a few more examples to get you started:I like playing with my kids.I love watching my kids learn new things.I love watching my kids smile and listening to them laugh.I want to remember this summer with _________ (insert your desired feeling).The more joy in my thoughts, the more joy in my actions.I get to choose how I think and feel.Summer goes by quickly, and I want to enjoy it.I am enjoying my time as a mom.Peace is better than perfection.Some days are hard, and that's okay.This is temporary. It's gonna be alright.Another one of my favorite thoughts for summer is, "We don't have to". Parents often think they have to have extravagant, over the top events for their children in order for them to be happy or enjoy the summer. And that's just not true.You can make good memories in the simplest of moments. Playing a game, lounging around, eating popsicles, going to the park, looking at the clouds. Just being present in those kinds of moments is enough. Memories are created in the feelings, not the things.What your kid really wants from you is your presence. They want you to be with them, look them in the eye, and move at their pace.Summer PlanA common mistake parents make in the summer is letting things be too much of a free-for-all. I believe that kids do need a break from the demands and strict schedule of school, tutoring, sports, appointments, etc. And I want you to have a balanced structure to your day.Having more flow and flexibility during the summer is helpful for kids' nervous systems because their nervous system is naturally slower than ours. But I also like to think of limits and routines as the metronome beat underneath your family. It's a consistent rhythm.So how do you know when to let things flow and when to bring in some structure? The areas I'll talk you through today are screens, sweets, sleep, and chores.Screen time. Ask yourself, "How do I want screens to go this summer?" Think about your screen routine during the school year. Will you keep it the same? Will you make changes?I know you probably want me to tell you want to do here, but I'm not going to. It really depends on what you have going on, how busy your family is, how overwhelmed you are as a mom, etc.I do think it is generally a good idea to avoid screens first thing in the morning. Give them a chance to get up, have breakfast, and get their bodies moving. You can set whatever limits you want here. For example, "You can watch TV for an hour as long as you have gotten dressed, had breakfast, and brushed your teeth."If your kids are going to camp, I'd avoid screens altogether in the morning. It's not worth the meltdown when you're trying to get them to turn it off and get out the door.Sweets. How much, how often, and when will your kids get sweet treats? Will you allow one sweet treat per day? Only when you are out? Only on weekends?Sleep. With the sun going down later, it's fine to make bedtime 30-40 minutes later. But once you decide on the new bedtime, be as consistent as you can.Of course there are nights when you're having a barbecue or you're watching 4th of July fireworks, and your kid ends up staying up late. It's not that big of a deal. The next day might be a little rough, but you can handle it.What gets really hard for kids is when they're up late multiple nights in a row. Their bodies get used to a rhythm, and it's important to stick to that as much as you can.Chores. The easiest way to get kids to do what you want them to do is to connect chores with another event. For example, "We'll leave for the beach once the trash cans are brought in," or, "We'll go to the pool today as long as everyone puts their laundry away by 11 a.m."Here's the thing with limits. You can decide in the moment or change your rules every day if you want, but it will be confusing for your kids and you'll likely have more big feelings because they don't know what to expect.If you do set limits and create a structure around these things, be prepared to follow through on them consistently.As you figure out your summer limits and structure, think about your ideal day. When you know how you want things to go, it's easier to decide what you want those rhythms and limits to be.Summer ConfidenceBefore we get into this one, I want you to know that a few things are inevitable during the summer:If you have more than one child, they are going to fight.Your kids will get bored. This is actually a good thing.You will feel burned out. Summer is a heavy lift for moms.People will have grumpy moods. Your kid will get grumpy, and you will get grumpy. It's okay to pivot if people aren't up for whatever you have planned. Trust your intuition.Repeat after me. "I am not my child's camp counselor." It is not your job to make your kids happy or to make them have fun. Boredom is uncomfortable for them, but it's their job to figure it out. Play is their work.In order to avoid burnout as much as possible (and get through it when it hits), you'll need to be proactive about managing your energy. Move your body daily. Connect with other adults. Do something that delights you. Allow your thoughts and feelings, and work on your mindset. Rest when you're tired. Even with screen time limits, you have permission at any time to put on a movie for your kids and take a break.Wishing you a calm (and FUN!) summer, Mama!Additional ResourcesCheck out our curated Calm Summer Mama podcast playlist on SpotifyGet the Stress-Free Summer ToolkitEpisode 182: Digital Detox Made Easy with Molly DeFrankEpisode 130: How To Do a Digital Detox<a href="https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/blog/summer-sibling-squabbles"...

When kids spiral into "I'm stupid" or "No one likes me," it's usually a sign they're dysregulated, not that something's actually wrong with them. In this episode, I'll walk you through the exact coaching approach to help your child build emotional regulation and inner confidence, plus how to interrupt your own negative self-talk patterns in the process.You’ll Learn:What to do when your kid is having negative thoughts about themselfWhen and how to have a coaching conversation, with a full real-life exampleHow to shift to a more positive way of thinking using the 3 Cs of thoughtsWhy your child might be resistant to coaching or teaching (and what to do about it)It’s a big lesson: We can’t necessarily change our circumstances, but we do get to change how we respond to them.----------------------------------------We’ve all done it, and you’ve probably heard your kid talk negatively about themself, too. Things like:I'm stupidI'll never be good at thisNobody likes meEveryone hates meYou love him/her moreYou're always mad at meI'm a bad kidNo one cares about meIt's all my faultI can't do itAs they get a little older, you might even see these negative statements come up around their appearance: I'm fat, I'm ugly, I don't like my freckles, I don't like my red hair, I don't like my dark skin, etc.Especially between the ages of 0-11, kids are building a set of beliefs about themselves. And as a parent, you want to guide them toward positive core beliefs. That’s what you’ll learn how to do today.When Your Kid Expresses Negative ThoughtsIt can be really hard as a parent to hear your child say these things about themself. At first, you might freak out a little bit and worry that your kid has anxiety, or they’re going to grow up to be depressed and have bad self-esteem.But here’s the upside - saying these thoughts out loud, narrating them, is much healthier than keeping them secret and holding them all inside their head. When you know what they’re thinking and struggling with, you can help them through it.Here are a couple of other things to keep in mind.This is one specific moment in time. I often talk about parenting the kid in front of you. This is a great example of that. These thoughts and feelings are not who your child is. This is a moment in time. And it’s an opportunity for you to talk to them, coach them, and help them with their big feelings and their negative thoughts.These statements are often general and/or exaggerated. When you hear things like, “I always,” or “I never”, it’s a sign that they are generalizing. This is a sort of extreme language. You can still validate that your child is feeling that way right now, while also holding the perspective that they won’t feel this way forever.Be careful about dismissing or minimizing. Often, when parents hear their child say something negative about themself, they laugh it off or say, “that’s not true”, or “don’t think like that”. It’s a bit of a tricky balance.You don’t have to get into a full coaching conversation every time your kid says something negative, but you also don’t want to consistently dismiss your child’s negative self-talk. You’re looking for some middle-of-the-road parenting here, where you’re not freaking out, but you’re still staying attuned to where your child is.If you’re not sure whether something needs to be addressed, look for patterns. If there is a certain statement or insecurity that keeps coming up, that’s when you want to dig a little deeper and do some coaching.Coaching Kids Through Negative Self-TalkWhen I use the term “coaching”, I simply mean that you’re offering your kid a different way to think. You’re teaching them how to think better thoughts.The first step (as usual) is to be sure that you and your child are both regulated and calm before you have a conversation about a thought. It is impossible to learn something new when you are in a Big Feeling Cycle. If your kid is mid-meltdown, they won’t be able to connect the dots or think logically. Connection always comes before coaching.When your kid expresses negative thoughts about themself to you, they are looking to you for reassurance. This is one of those times when you being calm is super important. Your worry doesn’t help your kid. They’re going to borrow your state of mind, no matter what. So let’s make it a positive one that helps build their confidence and trust in themself.In these moments, your child needs to borrow your confidence in them. They need to borrow your belief that they are going to learn to love themselves and they're going to grow into a strong adult who can handle lots and lots of things.The goal with a coaching conversation is to fill a skill gap. You’re trying to move them from one set of behaviors or thoughts to another. Toward more self-love, accountability, and maturity.I think of coaching conversations as having 3 parts:Reflect on what’s been happening. What did they say or do? What pattern have you noticed?Teach. First, you teach why their behavior isn’t working. Then, give them a new skill that they can use instead.Practice the new skill.Let’s walk through each step in a little more detail.ReflectThere is no “right” time to start a coaching conversation. Maybe the thing you’re talking about happened a few minutes ago. Maybe it was yesterday or last week. The more important factor is that you wait until everyone is calm. Give yourself space to think about it a bit.Some kids will want to talk about their thoughts and feelings with you. Some kids won’t. What’s important is that you give them the opportunity to reflect. And then you validate and normalize what’s going on for them.Here are some steps to guide you.Remind them of what they said.Ask them about why they think they said that. Give them time to reflect.Validate. Let them know that it’s normal to have those kinds of thoughts.Ask them how that thought makes them feel.Ask them how they want to feel.This last step is a big one, because kids have no idea that they actually have power over how they think and feel. What we're trying to do over the course of their childhood is to teach them that they have the power to change how they think about things. That they get to decide to think positively and feel better.It’s a big lesson: We can’t necessarily change our circumstances, but we do get to change how we respond to them.Here’s an example of starting a coaching conversation and going through reflection:Earlier, I heard you say, “I’m stupid.” Do you remember saying that? What happened that made you say that? It's normal for people to have thoughts like that, especially when you're feeling overwhelmed or you're feeling sad or you're feeling a little disappointed. It makes sense that you would think that because you made a mistake. But guess what? When you think that way, does it make you feel happy or does it make you feel sad? Does that thought help you feel good about yourself? Or does that thought help you feel bad about yourself? How do you want to feel? Okay, well you can keep your sad thoughts, but what about if you tried to think of a different thought?TeachHere, you’ll continue teaching that your child has power over their own thoughts (and remember: you can’t force them to think positive thoughts).To do this, you’ll teach them the 3 C's of thoughts. You catch your thought &gt;&gt; check your thought &gt;&gt; change your thoughtsCatch. Identify the thought. What was I just thinking? “I’m stupid” feels like a fact, but it’s really just a thought.Check. Take a closer look at the thought. Is it helpful? Does the thought help you feel better or make you feel sad?Change. If you decide you don’t like the thought, and it is making you feel bad, replace it with a more positive thought.The new thought you choose doesn’t have to be the exact opposite of the one you are replacing. The positive thought has to be something that your brain will believe. Something that is useful and also true.Going from “I’m stupid” to “I’m smart” might be too big of a jump. You can use what I call a bridge thought as an in-between to get to a more positive way of thinking.For example:Did you know that thoughts and feelings are like clouds? They come and they go. Negative thoughts are like rainy days. Positive thoughts are like sunny days. Sometimes it's raining, sometimes it's sunny. But sometimes a negative thought can get stuck in your head. And instead of just being a temporary cloudy day, it might become part of your everyday weather. Like a rainy day every day in your mind.I don't think you want to have a rainy day in your mind every day, right? Do you want to have a sunny day or a rainy day?Did you know that you get to choose if you want to have a lot of sunshine in your mind or a lot of rain? You get to pick thoughts that make you feel happy and more calm. I'm going to teach you a little thing called the 3 C's of thoughts. You catch your thought; You check your thought; You change your thought.PracticeTry...

Stop reacting to meltdowns and start preventing them. Learn the one skill kids often lack - and how coaching conversations teach emotional regulation, connection, and self control. In this episode, discover the 3-step coaching framework that transforms big feelings into teachable moments and breaks the meltdown cycle long-term.You’ll Learn:The skill your kid might be lacking if they’re having a lot of meltdownsWhat a coaching conversation is and why to have themThe 3 steps of a coaching conversationListen as I walk you through how to use coaching conversations in parenting to teach your child how to align their behavior with your family's values and manage the way they think, feel, and act.----------------------------------Kids aren't born knowing about time, money, manners, or managing their emotions. Over the course of parenting and raising them, you're teaching them how the world works, how feelings work, how their bodies work, how time works, how money works. This is parenting. And our goal is to do it in a thoughtful, respectful way.What is a Coaching Conversation?Basically, a coaching conversation is a teaching conversation that coaches your kids toward new skills, new values, and new concepts for understanding how things work in the world.One way to think of it is that a coaching conversation replaces a lecture. It's more collaborative. You're not talking at them, you're talking with them.To be clear, you are still the leader of your family. You still get to set the boundaries and expectations. We're not outsourcing that leadership to the child.In a traditional parenting model, the parent might respond to misbehavior by saying, "Hey, listen kid, that doesn't work. You've got to cut it out or else there's gonna be a consequence." Or they might moralize or lecture, going on and on about all the reasons that that behavior is bad and what it means.I'm sure you've responded this way yourself at times. The truth is that this is how many of us were raised. This is the only model we've had to follow. Today, I want to show you a different way.Preventing Meltdowns in the Long TermIf your child is having a lot of meltdowns, it is likely that they are lacking the SKILL of self-regulation, the skill of coping with negative emotion.How much better does it feel to know that the problem isn't that something is wrong with your kid - they're simply lacking a skill that you can help them learn and practice?In order to create long-term emotional health, we need to teach our kids the coping strategies that they need to regulate their nervous system and calm themselves down.That's where coaching conversations come in.How To Have a Coaching ConversationThere are 3 parts to any coaching or teaching conversation:Reflect on the behaviorTeach a new skill, tool, or coping strategyPractice what to do insteadBefore we dive in, remember that in order for these conversations to work, you must be as calm and neutral as possible. If you need to take a CALM break or wait until another time for the conversation, do that.Step 1: Reflect on the behavior. Use the Connection Tool to validate your child's emotions while also talking about the impact of their behavior. Help them to understand that the way they are processing their feelings is causing problems for others.As you make guesses about how your child might be feeling, phrase it as a question. This makes it more of a conversation.You can also explain to them different ways that big feelings show up for people. Some people want to run away and hide. Some people want to fight. Which way do they feel?I love using the image of feelings as a big wave that gets bigger and bigger until it crashes. Or like a race car with no brakes. This can put it into terms that your child can visualize and understand.Step 2: Teach a new skill. This is where you set the boundary and talk about what is okay and what you expect. And show them a better way to cope.Let your child know that big feelings are normal, but how they are handling those big feelings isn't safe. So you have to come up with new ways for them to manage their big feelings.You want to really slow down the conversation in this stage. Ask lots of questions and try to get a little buy-in.Then, teach them a new skill. The skill I want you to teach your kids in order to prevent meltdowns is (can you guess?) the CALM Break. Yep, the same tool that you use to regulate yourself.As a reminder, the CALM Break is:Catch yourself.Ask for help.Label your feelings.Move your body.Step 3: Practice the new skill. Practice the CALM Break together. Ask your child to imagine a scenario where they have a big feeling in their body. You can even use an example of something that actually happened. Then, go through the steps of a CALM Break together.These conversations proactively teach your kid how to regulate their nervous system.Here's an example of what a coaching conversation looks like in real life.Let's say that your child is having big feelings and hits their sibling...ReflectHey, sometimes when you're upset and you don't talk about it, your feelings will build inside of you like a huge wave that washes over you. And it might make you say or do things that you don't want to do, like hit your brother. Think about the ocean or think about a big wave and it's just going to build, build, build, build, build, build, build, and then crash. Have you ever felt that way before where you have a big feeling in your body, and all of a sudden you're hitting?This happens, especially when you're young. You're not sure how to handle those big feelings. That's okay.TeachIn this family, it's my job to keep everyone safe. So when someone fights their feelings by hitting, the other people in our house don't feel safe. I understand that your body is out of control when you're upset. But from now on, I'm going to make sure everyone and everything is safe in our house. When it comes to big feelings, it's your job to figure out how to deal with your feelings without hurting others.Do you think it's good for Mommy to keep everyone safe? Do you feel sometimes it's not safe when you hit your brother or sister or Mommy yells at you? It's kinda hard when someone keeps hitting other people in the family, right? That doesn't feel good, does it?The next time you feel mad and want to hit, I want you to take a CALM Break. Here's how we do it...(Walk them through the steps of the CALM Break)PracticeLet's practice taking a CALM Break together. Let's think about the time that I gave your brother his ice cream first, and you felt jealous and mad, and you wanted to hit him. What do we do first? What does the letter C stand for? Right, catch yourself. Notice that you are having big feelings or showing your feelings through your body. Then, what's A? Ask for help. All you have to say is, "Mommy, I need help."Next, L - label your feeling. Say "I'm mad." Some other feelings you might notice are sad, disappointed, or overwhelmed.Last, for M, we're going to figure out what to DO with your mad feelings. What are some ideas? If you want to hit, maybe you can hit a pillow, or push against the wall, or clap your hands really loud.(As you practice, actually do the movements together.)A Few Things to RememberThe first time you have this conversation, you're introducing the concept of feelings drive behavior. You're introducing the concept that when we have big feelings, we can't just do whatever we want to do, especially if it hurts others. Instead, we have to find new ways to cope with our big feelings.Your kid won't catch every part of this the first time around. You'll need to have this conversation multiple times. This is not foolproof. We're all human, and our feelings will sometimes get the best of us. The way you teach true emotional health and regulation is over time. They'll need to learn and practice it over and over again.Teach the process in advance, when they're calm, so that you can then call on it when big feelings come up, saying, "Oh, remember - CALM Break." "Remember that you can ask for help." "Oh, remember to tell me what you're feeling." "Remember, you're supposed to be moving your body."If your kid is resistant to this conversation, it can mean 1 of 2 things:One is that they don't feel seen or validated enough. In this case, go back to the Connection Tool. Talk about why they're behaving the way they're behaving, what their feelings are and how feelings come out, and that feelings are okay and feelings make sense.The other reason is that they might be stuck in fear that you'll be mad at them. Or maybe they are embarrassed and uncomfortable. You can gauge how much to push in those moments. If you want to, you can revisit the conversation at a different time.If the resistance continues, say, "I know you don't want to have this conversation, but we

Teaching emotional regulation means giving kids better strategies than hitting, yelling, or shutting down. In this episode, discover why movement is the most powerful tool to help kids (and you) process big feelings, how to keep everyone safe when emotions escalate, and the 3 categories of movement that rewire your child's nervous system. Perfect for the car or your morning walk.You’ll Learn:Why movement is the best way to process big feelings.How to keep everyone safe if your child is hitting, kicking, or hurting3 categories of movement that help kids (and adults) regulate their nervous systemsHow to use your child’s behavior as a clue to what their body needsListen as I talk about how to help your kid calm down in a really practical way.---------------------------------------------------3 Ways to Calm DownWhen the brain gets overwhelmed or feels threatened, it gets flooded with chemicals like cortisol and adrenaline. The best way to calm the nervous system is almost always to let the emotional energy out through the body, through movement.I like to think of movement in 3 categories:#1: Push it out. Push the big feelings out. I think of these as big, heavy movements.#2: Pull it in. Pull in a sense of comfort and soothing. These are quieter.#3: Move it around. Swirl the emotion around inside your body to shake it up and get it unstuck.When you notice that your kid is dysregulated (e.g. they’re seeming a little “off”, having big feelings, or are in full meltdown mode), ask yourself…“What do they need? Do they need to push it out, pull it in, or move it around?”Use your child’s behavior as a clue to what they need. For example, if they’re hitting, kicking, spitting, punching, running away, yelling, they likely need to push it out.If you try something and it doesn’t work, no problem. Try another type of movement. You’ll start to see patterns of what works best for you and your child.Why It Works: Co-RegulationThis thing that I'm teaching you is called co-regulation. Basically, your child is dysregulated. They are not able to catch their nervous system and bring it back online. So they need support from you in order to get back to baseline.If you can be a calm and regulated adult in that situation, then your child can “borrow” your calm nervous system. With your support, they will likely be able to move through a Big Feeling Cycle (aka meltdown or tantrum) faster. And once you have practiced these strategies together, you can help them to regulate before the train has fully left the station.One thing I want you to understand: Co-regulation is not easy.There will be times when you aren’t able to co-regulate. You might find yourself getting dysregulated while this Big Feeling Cycle is going on. It might feel very hard for you to stay present in front of your child. That’s okay.If you feel like you need to escape, that's fine. Just explain. If you leave the room abruptly or in anger, it can feel like a kind of abandonment. So, say some soothing comments to them before you leave, like, “I'm gonna go calm my body. I'm gonna let you calm your body. I love you, and I will be back.”If you’re judging yourself or thinking “I can’t handle this kid,” try telling yourself this instead: “In this moment, my child is dysregulated. I don't have the capacity to co-regulate. I'm going to trust that my kid's nervous system is able to manage itself.”Because here’s the truth. Yes, we want to teach our kids healthy strategies to regulate and self-soothe. AND the nervous system is naturally drawn to finding a way back to balance. It may not always look pretty, but you can trust your child to get to a place of calm. You can trust that their body and their brain are going to get them to the other side of that dysregulation and get back to a regulated state.How To Help Your Kid Calm DownWhen your kid is in a Big Feeling Cycle, the first thing you want to do is look out for everyone’s physical safety. You’re not going to let your child regulate in ways that hurt themself or others.The value here is, “In this house, everyone stays safe.” For example, if your kid is hitting you, you can say. “In this house, everyone stays safe. You can be upset, you can have big feelings, but I will not let you hit me. I am going to get up and move away from you. I have to protect my body.” Then, calmly take a few steps back.It’s okay to set some limits here. Like, “You can’t hit me, but you can hit this pillow.” Or, “I see that you need to move your body, so what are you going to do?”Now, here are some more specific ways to use the 3 types of movement to help your kid regulate and get back to calm.Push it outSome signs that your kid needs to push the feeling out include hitting, stomping, throwing things, or doing other big body movements. I picture it like a mini-Hulk. They have all this energy in their body and they want to get it out.Start by observing. What are they doing? Are they mainly using their upper body or lower body? This can help you direct them to a better alternative.Here are some of my favorite movements to try:Carry something heavy. Give your kid the task of moving something heavy from one side of the room or house to the other.A grounding stomp. Stand up and stomp your feet on the ground. I think of this like a dinosaur or an elephant would stomp - BIG! Adding rhythm to it is even better. Ask your child to copy the rhythm or that you do.Push out through their hands. Hold up your hands and ask your kid to push against them with their hands as hard as they can. If they’re too strong, or you have an injury, or you aren’t able to do this for any reason, they can also push against a wall.Bear crawl or crab walk on the ground. Choose a movement that is a bit challenging for them.If your child is hitting… instead, have them try hitting a pillow or clapping their hands really loudly. If they want to kick, let them kick a ball against a wall if you have the space.Give a choice. If your child is hurting other people, you may need to get them out of the room to keep everyone safe. One thing I used to say to my son is, “You can’t be in here because it’s not safe. I could drag you like a caveman, or you can walk and stomp on your own.” You're moving the child, but they're gonna have some say in how they move. Add a little play to it if you can. Ask them to pretend that they’re a dinosaur, caveman, pirate, snake, bear, whatever. Give ideas of how they can move their bodies in a big, aggressive (and safe) way.Pull it inPulling it in is about feeling cozy. These are going to be quiet, soothing movements.Squeeze and release. Have your child squeeze their hands into really tight fists. Then release. Let go. Get floppy like a noodle. Talk them through squeezing and releasing their arms, their shoulders, their face, their belly, their legs, their feet, their whole body.Butterfly hug. Have your kid cross their arms over their chest in a hug and give themself a squeeze. Then, with their hands still on their shoulders, have them gently tap their shoulder left, right, left, right.Other soothing movements include wrapping in a blanket, coloring, hugging or talking to a stuffed animal, drinking water, squeezing a stress ball, or petting a dog or cat.What about if your kid is dysregulated in public? You can’t always find a quiet, cozy space. One thing to try is pulling them into you, giving them a hug, and saying something like, “You’re having big feelings in your body. Let’s figure out what to do with those feelings.”Move it aroundThese movements are more gentle than pushing it out. You're just moving them around a little bit, allowing a little bit of energy shift inside the body.Shimmy shake. Have your kid put their hands in the air and then shake their whole body from their hands all the way through their chest, hips, knees, legs… all the way to the ground, and then shake it back up. You can pretend that you're shaking off the negative feelings like you're shaking off water from your hands.Some other great ways to move it around are:DanceDo some jumping jacksSwingRockRemember that these movements come after you’ve already used the Connection Tool to notice, narrate, name, and validate. This is the regulate piece. This is the answer to, “Okay, I validated their feelings. Now what?”Kids misbehave. They get dysregulated easily. They get overwhelmed and their nervous system misfires, especially if they're neurodivergent in any way.Through the Connection Tool and co-regulation, you are teaching them the skills to self-soothe and regulate. You’re showing them healthy ways to cope with hard circumstances and uncomfortable feelings. And you (and the rest of your family) can learn to self-regulate right alongside them.Previous Episodes:Episode 88: Co-Regulation During a MeltdownEpisode 2.16: The Connection ToolFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling...

When your child hits, yells, or acts out, your first response matters more than anything else. In this episode, discover the crucial pause-point most parents miss and the exact emotional regulation and child behavior management steps to take before you react. We're breaking down the confessional truth about those triggered moments and giving you practical words to say that actually teach your kid to manage their own feelings. Perfect for moms who end the day feeling guilty about yelling.In This Episode:Practical things you can say and do as a parent in order to create an emotionally safe environment, teach your kid to regulate their nervous system, and help them become an emotionally healthy personReal-life examples of how to validate emotions while also setting limits around behaviorHow to find clues that will help your child regulate their nervous systemTons of ways to help kids release emotional energy from their bodiesListen to learn exactly what to do the next time your child is acting out, so you can create more calm, safety, and connection in your home.--------------------------------------------Why Your Kid Acts Out (And Why Correction Isn’t Step One)Let’s start with something important: All behavior is communication. When your child is yelling, hitting, grabbing, or melting down, it’s not just about disobedience. It’s their way of coping with big feelings or an unmet need that they don’t yet have the skills to communicate in a better way.When we immediately go to correction - "Stop it right now!” or “Don’t do that!” - we’re skipping over the real problem: the emotion or need underneath the behavior. If we move too quickly to discipline or redirection, kids don’t learn how to name and manage what’s happening inside. And honestly, they often have no idea what to do instead. This is why just correcting doesn’t work, and why the chaos often repeats itself tomorrow, or even five minutes later.So, what’s the first thing you should do when your child acts out? You connect before you correct. The Connection Tool is the heart of the Connected Parenting Process, and it’s a practical, step-by-step way to help kids learn emotional regulation, from the inside out.The Connection ToolOne of my all-time favorite tools to teach parents is the Connection Tool. In it, you:Notice that something is off with your kidNarrate the behavior you’re seeingName the emotionValidate how they’re feelingRegulate the nervous system by helping them move through the feelingBasically, you’re helping to connect the dots between what's going on on the outside and what's going on on the inside.Validation (letting your kid know that the way they’re feeling makes sense) is crucial, because when kids feel seen and safe, their nervous system begins to calm. Emotional connection always comes before learning or problem solving.Once you’ve connected with their inner experience, you can move into regulating and problem-solving. Your child needs new ways to cope and to communicate their feelings, thoughts, and needs in ways that work. You can validate their emotion and set a limit at the same time.Ultimately, you give them the responsibility to figure out better ways to cope with that feeling in the circumstance that they're in.Here are a few examples:“It’s not okay to grab your brother’s snack, but you can ask me for a snack and I’ll help you get one.”“If you need to move your body, let’s do some jumping jacks together.”“You can’t call out to Mommy at bedtime, so what can you do instead? Do you want to hold my scrunchie while we’re apart from each other?”“You can’t hit your brother, but you can hit this pillow.”Regulating emotion is a tricky thing. It's hard for all of us. Discharging emotion is almost always done through the body. We let the feelings that are stuck inside of us release through our hands, our voice, etc. The goal is to discharge that emotion in a way that doesn’t hurt or cause problems for other people.You can suggest and show your child other ways to release or change their energy. And their behavior can serve as a clue to what they need. If they want to scream really loud, is there a way that they can regulate by screaming in a way that works for everybody? If they want to hit or be physical, is there a way that they can be physical that doesn't bother anybody?Try these movements:Do jumping jacksDrink a glass of waterWash their handsDo a shimmy-shakeHold your hands up and let them use their hands to push against youRoll them up in a blanketStomp their feetDo a small, simple task like putting a toy on the shelfShifting from Correction to Compassionate WitnessI know this approach can feel counterintuitive. Most of us grew up hearing, “Stop that!” or “If you don’t calm down, you’re in trouble.” It takes practice to pause, connect, and wonder about what your child is feeling or needing, instead of jumping right to judgment or solutions.And you might need to wait a little while for your child to regulate. If they’re in the middle of a Big Feeling Cycle, talking to them and trying to coach them can actually be really triggering. Stay present in that compassionate or neutral space while recognizing this is a kid who's having a hard time.When my son was 4 years old, he would rage around the house everyday around 4pm. These intense meltdowns would last about 45 minutes - every day! I decided to shift into the role of witness. that I would be there to make sure he (and everyone else) was safe, but I didn’t come at him with any big energy. Almost immediately, his Big Feeling Cycles were shorter and less frequent. Within a week or two, they were almost completely eliminated.Shifting your lens from “behavior judge” to “compassionate witness” is one of the most powerful changes you can make in your parenting. It means holding the thought, “My child isn’t giving me a hard time. They are having a hard time.” This mindset shift alone can help you stay calmer and more regulated yourself, which in turn helps your child “borrow” your nervous system as they settle down too.As a parent, you are the emotional leader in your family. Kids’ nervous systems are immature and easily activated. Everything is bigger, louder, and more extreme for them. Giving them grace, and modeling emotional regulation yourself, is a gift that will help them for years to come.This takes time, and that’s okay. You have to learn to reframe the way you look at the behavior in the first place and then get better at making those guesses about what’s actually going on for your kid.Keep practicing CALM. Take care of your nervous system and practice self-regulation. Look at your child’s behavior from a compassionate (or even neutral) place. Lead your family with calm confidence.Related Episodes:Episode 2.16: The Connection Tool [New &amp; Improved]Episode 87: The 3 Rs of Emotional RegulationFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn:Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tipsRate and review the podcast on Itunes

Nonviolent Communication is the framework behind better parenting connection - and you may already be using it. In this episode, Margot Magowan reveals how NVC principles transform challenging moments into opportunities for emotional connection and effective limit-setting. Learn the exact steps to stop yelling and show up as the calm mom you want to be, with real-world examples you can use today.You’ll Learn:The basic principles of Nonviolent Communication and how to use them in parentingExamples of using NVC in real-life situationsWays that your own needs show up in your parenting (and healthier ways to meet them)How to focus on how your child is feeling, even if their story isn’t totally factual-----------------------------------------------------Margot Magowan, a mom of 3, says that learning about Nonviolent Communication helped to transform everything for her family. When her oldest daughter was 15 years old, she started having behavioral health challenges, like refusing to go to school, abusing drugs, and stealing. Over the course of 3 years, she went to various wilderness and residential programs, receiving access to all kinds of support and resources.Now, at age 22, Margot’s daughter is thriving. She says, “I really credit it to me and my husband learning how to listen to her.” In her coaching practice, Margot supports other parents in learning how to truly listen to their children with presence and curiosity.The Basics of Nonviolent CommunicationNonviolent Communication (NVC) was created by Marshall Rosenburg, who believes that all human behavior is motivated by an attempt to meet certain universal needs.Margot explains that NVC is made up of 4 parts: observations, feelings, needs, and requests.Take the example of you and your partner getting ready to go to a party, and you’re worried you’re going to be late. Instead of saying, “We’re gonna be late. Hurry up!”, using NVC might look like this:Observation - The invitation says 7:30, and it’s 6:30 nowFeeling - I’m feeling anxiousNeed - My need for security isn’t being metRequest - Would you be willing to leave in 15 minutes?Margot says that when she first learned this, it felt a little robotic (and her kids hated it when she talked to them that way). She says that what really helped it to feel more authentic was when she focused on her energy rather than her language.Basically, it’s not about the script. It’s about focusing on connection. This is called NVC Consciousness, which Margot explains as “being open and curious and present and compassionate to whatever is happening.” You’re not trying to fix anything (sound familiar?).It goes hand in hand with the Connection Tool that I teach. You’re going into the situation as a neutral witness and viewing your child’s behavior as an expression of needs or feelings that they don’t know how to handle.Ultimately, Nonviolent Communication is:Focusing on your feelingsIdentifying the universal needs underneath those feelingsExpressing that truth honestly, while staying connected to a person's humanityIt’s important to keep in mind that the goal of NVC is not to get to the other emotion. Or to get compliance out of our kids. Although these things do sometimes often happen when we show up in a compassionate way.The Universal NeedsThere are quite a few universal needs within NVC (if you want to see them all, Margot has a free list for you here). She helped us out by breaking it down into a few key categories:ConnectionMeaningAutonomyHonestyPhysical Well-BeingPeacePlayFor example, if you walk into your child’s room and find them lying in bed when they’re supposed to be cleaning their room, your first thought might be, “Ugh, my kid is lazy. They’re not doing what they’re supposed to do.”After that initial thought passes, ask yourself, “What need are they trying to meet?” Maybe it’s comfort or ease, and this is their best strategy to do that. Then, you can look at the behavior through a more neutral lens.And as a parent, if you’re feeling angry, resentful, or frustrated, you probably have some sort of need that’s not being met. Be really gentle with yourself in wondering why the situation is upsetting you so much.Margot says that NVC has made her more aware of her own needs and how to get them met. She says, “I was using all 3 of my kids to meet my own needs…I didn’t need to shift my kids’ behavior to meet my needs.” She figured out new strategies to take care of herself.Now, she sees that a lot of moms hold to strict rules for their kids because they are trying to meet their own need for safety. If you find yourself being rigid somewhere, ask yourself, “What am I scared of? What am I making this mean?”This is how you get to CALM. By managing your own needs and taking care of yourself, you can then show up in a connected, compassionate way for your child.The Giraffe and the JackalIn Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg uses two animal metaphors: a Giraffe and a Jackal.The Giraffe is compassionate, open, and curious. The Jackal is more judgemental and angry.One of the things that Margot coaches parents on is spending time with the Jackal when it shows up. And how to get your needs met from someplace other than your kid (having a safe container, like a coach, to bring these feelings and needs to is super helpful).You can ask for this clearly if you’re talking to your partner or a friend. Say something like, “I just want empathy. I just want you to listen to me and not try to make it better or fix it or take it away.” You can also do this for yourself in a journal if you need to.Here’s the magic. When you show up as the Giraffe and listen to your kid and they feel safe and their nervous system regulates, they reach that state of compassion and curiosity in themselves. Margot says, “I feel like we're doing such a service of actually modeling how to show up for them so they can show up for themselves and be healthy adults.”Challenging ChangeThere is a real obstacle that happens when we change our parenting. Our children want what is reliable and predictable. So even if you’ve been yelling, this is what they know and expect. When you change your behavior, your kid might not feel like it’s trustworthy or safe right away. It’s unfamiliar, like you’re an imposter. It freaks them out.Margot explains that her kids thought the yelling parents were the authentic ones. They didn’t totally trust them when they stopped yelling and started trying this new approach.Your child might even try to pull you back into your own pattern. Their behavior will escalate and they’ll almost want you to yell, because that’s what they’re used to. You have to restrain yourself and stay within your new value system long enough to get all the way through that emotion.Eventually, they will catch up to the new version. And they’ll really like this calmer, more connected parent that you’re becoming. It just takes some time.Doing something different isn’t always easy in the short term, but the long term gains are so worth it.Previous Episodes:Episode 2.16 - The Connection Tool [New &amp; Improved]Connect with Margot:Get the “Feelings &amp; Needs List” that Margot talked about in this episode: https://listen2connectcoach.com/resourcesFollow Margot on Instagram @listen2connectcoachLearn more about her coaching, workshops, and more at https://listen2connectcoach.com/Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn:Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tipsRate and review the podcast on Itunes

Help your child manage big feelings so their behavior naturally improves. This episode teaches the NEW 5-step Connection Tool - the hybrid parenting approach that combines empathy with clear boundaries. Learn real-life scripts, how to see behavior through a compassionate lens, and why understanding your child's feelings on the inside changes everything on the outside. Perfect for moms tired of power struggles and yelling.You’ll Learn:The NEW 5-step Connection Tool and how to use it when your child is in their big feelingsHow to think about your child’s behavior so that you can see them through a neutral or compassionate lensLOTS of real-life examples and scripts for you to useThe difference between delaying consequences and permissive parentingI’m walking you through exactly how to use (new &amp; improved!) The Connection Tool to coach your kids when they're having big feeling cycles or when they're dysregulated.--------------------------------------The Connection Tool is one of my favorite tools I’ve ever created to help parents emotionally coach their kids when they're having big feeling cycles or when they're dysregulated. Today, I’ll walk you through exactly how to use it. And if you’ve been around a while, you may notice a few improvements.The Connection Tool falls under the 2nd pillar of my Connected Parenting Process:Calm &gt;&gt; Connect &gt;&gt; Limit Set &gt;&gt; CorrectThis process is meant to simplify parenting for you as much as possible. When you’re seeing off-track behavior, it means that some parenting is probably needed. And by going through the 4 steps of the process, you can use your kid’s behavior as a clue to what they might be feeling or needing.The best way to improve your child's behavior on the outside is helping them understand how to cope and communicate with their big feelings on the inside.Kids don’t know what to do with disappointment, anger, jealousy, and those other hard emotions. So, they complain, ignore you, run away from you, call names, hit their brother, etc. The Connection Tool helps you teach them how to handle those emotions in an appropriate way.What Do I Mean By Connection?When you hear the term “connection” as it relates to parenting, your mind might automatically go to the connection between you and your child. Of course, I want you to have a good relationship with your kid, but that’s not exactly what we’re talking about here.When I talk about “connection” in the Connected Parenting Process, I’m really talking about the connection between your child’s behavior and their emotions. You’re helping to connect what’s happening on the inside and how it’s showing up outside of them through their behavior.In essence, it’s about connecting your child to themself. Giving them an understanding and awareness of how they're thinking, how they're feeling, and helping them learn to manage their feelings in healthy ways. Emotional health and wellbeing always starts with awareness.This is also called “emotional literacy”, which essentially means that they can understand what they are feeling, describe it with words, and express those emotions in health and appropriate ways that work for them, your family, and their community.From there, they can also learn how to shift their thinking so that they have a better mindset about whatever is going on in their life.One thing I want to point out is that when your child is in a big feeling cycle or acting out, they don’t need limits or correction (yet). What they need first is connection. Threatening, accusing, minimizing, or insulting are not helpful in this situation. They will only make your child more dysregulated.The Connection ToolI’ve been teaching this tool to parents for a long time, but through the process of writing my book, I realized that it was incomplete.The NEW Connection Tool has 5 parts.1. Notice. This is just for you. You notice that something is going on. Your kid is dysregulated or acting out. They might be tired, hungry, overstimulated, facing frustration. They're having feelings of stress, Frustration, anger, disappointment, disappointment.Often, you’ll notice this before they really lose it. You’ll see that something is a little off, something’s brewing. Your kid looks mostly fine, but inside their nervous system is working really hard.This is a great time for you to take a CALM break. You know that your kid is starting to show big feelings, and they’re going to need your help. If a behavior shows up and you find yourself upset by it or you start showing up with some of those less-than-helpful responses, those are also signs to take a break, get calm, and re-align with your goals.2. Narrate. When somebody is dysregulated, they have exceeded their capacity to cope with their emotional upset in a healthy way. They no longer have access to logic. You can help bring them back into the moment by narrating the behavior you see.For example:“I am giving each of you dessert, but I saw you hit your brother because I gave it to him first.”“I said that it was time to turn off the video game, and I noticed that you haven't done it yet.”“I said it was homework time, but now I see that you’re playing in the backyard instead of sitting down at the table.”You are narrating the circumstances and the specific actions and behaviors that you’re seeing. This is what's going on on the outside. Stick to the facts.3. Name. Now, you name the feeling that’s happening on the inside. I like to phrase this as a question or curiosity. Like this…“I wonder if you are feeling angry that I gave your brother the dessert first.”“I wonder if you are sad that you don’t get to play video games any more.”“I wonder if you are feeling annoyed that it's time to do homework.”The narrating and the naming go together to help neutralize the behavior. It’s like holding up a mirror and saying, “Hey, I'm seeing this behavior and I'm thinking it's because of this circumstance.”4. Validate. Now that the feeling has a name, let your child know that however they’re feeling is valid. Of course they’re feeling angry, sad, annoyed, etc.One of my favorite phrases for this is, “That makes sense.”5. Regulate. This is where you help your child move through the feeling so that they can get back to a state of calm. Ask, ”What are you going to do with that anger (or whatever emotion you’ve named together)?”You can give suggestions. “Do you want to run around? Do you want to jump up and down? Do you want to talk about it? Do you want to tell me more things? Do you need to take a break from the family?” Let them know that you can help them or they can do it on their own.There are a ton of different ways to regulate the nervous system, but moving the body is almost always a great starting point. It helps to push those emotions through and out of the body. Imagine it like an electrical current that is all charge up and needs to be discharged.Sometimes, you’ll need to set a boundary as part of regulation. For example, “You can stay here and eat this dessert with us as long as you're not name calling.” Remember that limit setting has to come from a very calm, grounded place. The message is, “This behavior isn't safe for everybody, and we want you to be around here.”This process of regulation often only takes around 90 seconds (even though it might feel like an eternity).Once your child is regulated and calm again, you’ll coach them through resetting their mind and thoughts (more on that in the next episode!).The goal of the Connection Tool is not that your child will not have big feelings anymore. The goal is for there to be less and less damage when those feelings come up. All humans are going to have tough emotions. And kids will be immature.We want to move away from violence, disrespect, and behaviors that cause problems for others, like time delays and energy drains.We want our kids to understand that their feelings are valid and make sense. And to know healthy ways to move that emotion through their bodies and minds. We’re helping them to connect the dots between what's going on inside of them to what's going on on the outside of them. And holding them responsible for their behavior in a loving way.Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn:Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips<a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/become-a-calm-mama/id1607377252"...

Emotional regulation starts with what kids believe about themselves. In this episode, I'm sharing the 3 essential beliefs that set your child up for confidence, healthy risk-taking, and strong relationships - and the one thing you can do to plant each belief without forcing it. Perfect for moms who want to raise kids that think for themselves and handle big feelings well.You’ll Learn:The 3 essential beliefs that help ensure your child grows up to have good self esteem, take risks, think for themselves, be responsible, and have good relationshipsWhat you can do to support these beliefs in your kidPractical examples of how to reinforce these beliefs, even when your child is misbehavingHow to coach your kid through negative thoughtsThis episode breaks down the key ingredients to helping your kid become emotionally healthy and resilient - now and as an adult.----------------------------------------The three essential beliefs are:I am safe.I’m lovable.I am capable.These are the beliefs that help ensure your child grows up to have good self esteem, take risks, think for themselves, be responsible, and have good relationships with others and with their own body.Each person comes into the world preset to believe these things. They want them to be proven true. The problem happens when they start to get different messages or they have experiences in childhood happen to them and that are never explained.Your child's earliest years (between 0-5) set the groundwork for their subconscious beliefs about themselves and the world. And those beliefs are reinforced up until around age 12. They are absorbing messages all the time about themselves and the world based on their environment and their interactions with you.You have a lot of influence over your child's beliefs about themselves. When you can reinforce these essential beliefs in them - showing them that they’re safe, lovable, and capable - they get the message and carry those beliefs with them into adulthood.Belief #1: I am safe.This is the belief that I am safe, and the world is safe. I don't need to worry so much about my needs. I can relax in my environment, and from that relaxed state I can go and try and do hard things and take big swings in the world and live my life.Why it mattersBabies cannot meet any of their own physical needs, so they trust and rely on us to care for them. This is the beginning of building safety. “The grownups in my world are safe.”As they get a little older, safety becomes not only physical but also emotional. They want to know that you can handle their big feelings. You are the person who will protect, not harm, them. They don’t need to be scared of you.The idea of safety also shifts as we see more behaviors. They might start to see safety as conditional. That they are safe and cared for as long as they act a certain way. It can also be based on the adult’s emotional capacity, patience, etc. When their safety is in question, the child becomes hypervigilant and aware. They’re always looking around trying to figure out, “Am I safe?”.Without a core belief that the world is safe, we start to see things like anxiety, dissociating, seeking safety in relationships (or rejecting relationships), and other unhealthy behaviors.What to doThe goal, then, is to be a physically and emotionally reliable caregiver for your child. This means regulating your nervous system, so that you can be calm and reinforce these core beliefs.Boundaries and rules are also important to creating a sense of safety. We don’t want to be too harsh or rigid, but predictable routines and limits help kids know what to expect and show them that their adult is going to do what they say they will do. I like to think of these rhythms as a metronome in the background of life.Belief #2: I am lovable.You can also think of this belief as “I'm good enough”. We want our kids to walk through the world believing that they're good enough exactly as they are. That they're worthy of love, and you accept them unconditionally.Why it mattersKids have a really hard time separating themselves from their behavior. So when you communicate that you don’t like how they’re acting, it can be confusing. They can take it to mean that you don’t like them. Or that you only love them when they’re behaving a certain way.This means that you have to actively communicate to them that they're lovable no matter how they act, that they are good enough, and that you accept them exactly as they are. They don't have to do anything or be anything different in order to receive your unconditional acceptance. They can't earn your love, and it can't be taken away.When a child goes through life thinking that they're not good enough or they're not lovable, they show up with a lot of people pleasing behavior. They may be perfectionistic. They may deny their own needs or their own ideas. They might squash down their creativity or intuition because they think they need to show up in a certain way in order to be accepted by the adults in their life.What to doOne of the really difficult thoughts for us to work through as parents is, “I love my kid, but I don’t like them right now.” We have to actively work on shifting that to, “I like my child no matter how they act.”Let’s be honest, this is more challenging with some kids than others.One of my favorite tools is called a Delight List. You write out a list of things that you like about your kid. Then, you can communicate to them, “I like you”, “I find you delightful”, “You're my kid and I enjoy having you in particular as my kid”.I want to clarify one thing: Unconditional acceptance does not mean that we’re letting misbehavior slide. The difference is in the way that we communicate boundaries and consequences. It’s the frustration, blaming, anger, and shame that we’re getting rid of. You can have compassion for why your child might not want to follow a particular rule, while also being firm.Remind yourself that they are still learning how to follow directions, delay gratification, and control their impulses. They’re little, and they’re figuring it out.Belief #3: I’m capable.This is the belief that I can handle things, I can figure stuff out, and I know how to take care of myself.Why it mattersIn order for your child to believe that they are capable of learning, growing, doing new things, and mastering new skills…they have to make mistakes.And this isn’t just about learning to clean up their messes or tie their shoes. There’s so much growth going on beneath the surface. Kids are also learning how to manage their nervous system, regulate their emotions, delay gratification, and understand cause and effect.They’re going to make a lot of mistakes.If you get frustrated and angry when they make those mistakes, you end up communicating to your child, “You’re not good enough, and it doesn’t seem like you’re capable.”What to doNormalize misbehavior and mistakes. Make sure your child understands that they’re not “bad” when they mess up. They’re still learning. This means that you want to create an environment where it’s normal to not know how to do everything.When you start to feel frustrated, try looking at your child’s behavior through a different lens. Where is that behavior coming from? Is it emotional immaturity? Physical immaturity? An immature nervous system? Lack of skill? If you can see your child's behavior from a neutral lens (or even a compassionate lens), then you can be compassionate towards them.Adopt a growth mindset that your kid gets to be a beginner. They get to work towards higher and higher levels of skill. They won’t be good at everything (including behaving), and that’s okay.Coaching Your Kid Through Negative ThoughtsSometimes kids will share with you the negative thoughts that they have in their heads. They might think things like:You don't love meYou hate meI'm stupidNo one likes meI'm a bad boy/girlEveryone is mad at meIt can be difficult to hear that your child is thinking these things. But it is beautiful that they feel comfortable sharing those thoughts with you. And it gives you the opportunity to coach them through it.Here’s how:Validate their feeling. Narrate back what they said to you. Name to emotion(s) you think they might be feeling. Ask them, “Are you thinking…?” “I wonder if you’re feeling…?” Let them know that the way they’re feeling makes sense.Don’t get defensive or minimize or dismiss what they’re telling you. Instead, you can mirror back to them, saying something like:“I know that you're safe. I would never let anybody hurt you.”“I know how I think. I know that I don’t hate you. I love you no matter how you act.”“I know for sure that you’re capable of doing your math homework. Mistakes happen. You’re still learning, and that’s okay.”Allow time for them to regulate. Maybe they need a little hug from you or to move their body a bit.Coach the mind. Explain that those negative thoughts come and go, like clouds in the sky. They don’t have to stay.Here’s the underlying message:Hey, you know what? You're safe in this world and in this family and in this environment. No matter how you act, you're lovable. I'm going to know you're capable even when you make mistakes. I'm here to support you no...

Mom drama, cliques, and guilt are real - and they're not your fault. In this honest conversation with my friend Danielle, we explore the surprising connection between matrescence and toxic mom groups, why supportive parenting communities matter, and practical ways to stay calm when surrounded by mean mom energy. Discover how building confident, mindful parenting relationships actually makes you a better mom.You’ll Learn:Similarities between matrescence, motherhood, and adolescenceHow insecurity shows up as “mean mom” behaviorWhy I didn’t feel like I fit in with other momsA personal story about mom drama and feeling left outHow to bring more kindness to other momsWe're all trying to figure it out. The more kindness we have for ourselves, the more compassion we can have for others.-------------------------------Danielle and I raised our kids alongside each other. We were in the same elementary school and community, but we also had different friend groups and different experiences. She is one of my favorite people to talk to about motherhood, so I’m so excited she’s here.Experiences of MatrescenceEvery woman in motherhood is going through some stage of matrescence - the process of becoming a mother.During this transformational time, we tend to experience a lot of the same insecurity, confusion, and overwhelm that we felt in adolescence.Maybe you’ve felt insecure or confused. Or thought:I don't know who I am anymore.I don't know who my people are.I don't know where I fit.I don't know if I belong.These are all super common during matrescence. Plus, once you think you’ve started to figure things out, everything changes as your child moves through stages of infancy, toddlerhood, preschool, elementary, high school, and beyond.Mom DramaWhen you’re going through matrescence, you’re also likely surrounded by other women who are also going through this transition. When you put a group of moms together, those insecurities can show up as immaturity and drama.And just as teen girls stir up drama because they’re insecure and not sure when they fit in, moms act out their insecurities in a similar way. Particularly when their kids are around early elementary age.When your kids are in preschool, it’s like you’re at war together. You’re sharing stories and struggles, comparing behaviors, and just trying to figure out how to get through it. It’s a very physical time in parenting. You’re picking them up, putting them down, dealing with sleep issues and potty training. It’s a daily battle, and you’re exhausted.Once your kid is out of diapers and strollers and is off to school, there’s a shift from physical parenting to emotional parenting. You start to look around and wonder, “Am I doing this right?”This is the stage when we tend to see “mean mom” behaviors that are driven by insecurity, fear, and the desire to fit in.BelongingThe preschool years are short. You may connect with other moms mainly in the drop-off or pickup line, and you know that in a year or two, kids will be heading in different directions and to different schools.During the elementary years, you might start looking for longtime friends, knowing that your kids will be in school together for the next 6 or 8 or 12 years.Now, you’re looking at other moms and asking yourself, “Are these the people we want to spend time with?” “What group am I going to be in?” You want to make sure that you and your kids are in with the “right” families and groups.What often happens then is that the insecurity of wanting to set our kids up for success and make sure we’re in the right group lends itself to observing, judging, and criticizing other moms. Then you get into comparison. And then you get into gossip.FearDanielle brought up a fear moms have of a “bad kid” rubbing off on their child. Especially if your kid is slightly divergent or working through emotional regulation issues, people tend to run away. It’s like behavioral issues are contagious. There isn’t a lot of grace extended in those early years.It’s a fear not only of their kid behaving badly but also insecurity around the parent’s ability to handle that behavior. Moms think, “I don’t even know how to parent that, so I’m just gonna avoid it.”JudgmentMany people also have the belief that your kid and their behavior is a reflection of you as a parent. So, when someone sees a child behaving badly, they might jump to the conclusion that the mom is a terrible parent.At this young stage of parenting, everybody is blaming everybody. Everyone's judging everybody.There’s this idea that if there’s misbehavior, something has gone wrong. Or if your child has emotional pain, it’s the parent’s fault.Danielle points out that, “we’ve created a culture where we recognize that kids go through painful experiences. They have a lot of emotions and sometimes they're really big and sometimes they lead to behavior that isn't great. And we've done a great job of creating language around that and acknowledging that that happens to children. But we haven't gotten past the fact that all of that obviously lies at the feet of the parent. Every child's outburst, every child's pain, every child's misbehavior, every child's tantrum is because the parent is doing a bad job.”CliquesAll of these factors can sometimes lead to cliques and excluding other families. It can lead to a mean-girl mentality.When one of my sons was in kindergarten, I had the experience of being pushed out of a mom group. I felt like I was in high school, being excluded. It was so painful. And as I've talked about this story with other moms, they have shared with me similar things that have happened.Finding Compassion for MomsI want to offer a new lens for all of this. Other women are going through this matrescence transformation, too. They’re trying to figure it out, too. Everyone is really scared. We all want our kids to be okay, and we don’t want to mess them up.But hurting other women in the process - gossiping, spreading rumors, judging, criticizing, shaming, and blaming - is not the way to do it.We can make decisions that work for our children without being cliquey.We don't have to act like teenage girls and talk a bunch of shit and exclude people.If we can build a little more awareness, it might avoid people getting hurt.Danielle adds that operating from fear and exclusivity is detrimental. You get less perspective and understanding. It actually goes against the goals we have for our kids. Encouraging people to be more inclusive will enrich their lives and the lives of their children in ways they probably can’t foresee. This is how we build empathy.Model your valuesBullying has been at the forefront again lately. There’s been a good effort to teach kids about bullying, including creating the “buddy bench”, where kids can sit if they need a friend.What’s the point of these efforts if kids then hear moms bullying each other at home?We know it isn’t possible to invite everyone to everything all the time.But what about the mom who’s struggling, feeling lonely and isolated? Where’s her buddy bench?You don’t have to become best friends or invite her to every single moms’ night out. But we can still be lovely and kind to each other. We can not talk shit and refuse to be a part of the rumor mill.Danielle said it beautifully:If we don't want kids to be bullied… If we don't want our kids to be the bullies…If we want our kids to feel that they're growing up in a safe community…WE have to demonstrate that.We're all in some stage of motherhood and matrescence. We're all trying to figure it out. The more kindness we have for ourselves, the more compassion we can have for others.Previous Episode:Episode 2.13 - Matrescence with Dr. Angele CloseFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn:Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tipsRate and review the podcast on Itunes

Dr. Angele Close is back to talk with me more about matrescence - the profound identity, emotional, and physical transformation mothers experience (and most of us never talk about). We're exploring how motherhood reshapes who you are, why mom guilt is actually a sign of something deeper, and how understanding your own emotional shifts helps you stay calmer with your kids. If you've felt lost in motherhood or wondered why becoming a mom fundamentally changed you, this episode is for you.You’ll Learn:What matrescence isHow the transformation of motherhood looks different at different stages of lifeCommon experiences and struggles of matrescencePractical strategies for processing the changes you’re going throughWhy it’s so hard for moms to give validation to themselves.It’s a big deal to become a parent! We are forever changed by the experience.Today, we’re diving deeper into what it means to go through this process, how it changes us, how it's like adolescence, and the beautiful gifts that come with becoming a mom.------------------------------------As you may remember from our previous conversations, Dr. Angele Close is a clinical psychologist, motherhood coach, and mindfulness teacher who draws on the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of healing and transformation to support maternal mental health and well-being.She helps mothers navigate the identity shifts of matrescence, releasing perfectionism and shame so they can embrace motherhood with greater self-compassion, confidence, and joy. Dr. Angele is also a mother of 3 teens and the author of Unburdening Motherhood: A Guide to Breaking Cycles, Healing Trauma, and Becoming a Self-led Mom.Transformational StagesWe all go through certain periods of transformation in our lives. Two of the biggest are adolescence and matrescence, and Dr. Angele shared some comparisons between them.She says that each of these is a transformational journey that every woman who becomes a mother will experience. Just as your body, identity, and friendships change during adolescence, your mindset, identity, career, and relationships also change over the course of motherhood. And while we all go through this transformation, every person’s experience is unique.Matrescence begins in the moment that you start thinking, “I think I want to be a mother” (or, “Oh shit, I’m going to be a mother!”). And it lasts as long as you are a mother.Because this covers such a wide range of time and experiences, it can also help to pinpoint where you are within matrescence:Emerging motherhoodEarly motherhoodLate motherhoodPost-motherhood (this is where I am right now)Depending on your stage of matrescence, there are some common patterns and experiences that Dr. Angele has seen come up for moms.Fantasy v. RealityThis is a big one in early motherhood. Chances are, you had a vision in your mind of what it would be like to be a mom. Maybe it was carried with you from childhood, when you pretended to be a mom to your dolls. Personally, I had a vision of strolling down Venice Beach in a cute outfit with my nails done and perfect hair. I had no idea what it was actually going to be like.The lived reality of motherhood is usually a bit different from the visions in our heads.Suddenly, you’re dealing with sleep schedules, feeding schedules, figuring out how to manage your time and energy in a whole new way. There’s a heavy mental load, lots of new demands, and you’re mentally and physically exhausted. The next thing you know, you haven't showered in days, you forgot to brush your teeth, haven't put a bra on, and can't figure out how to get you and your kid(s) out the door.It can be a little bit of a rude awakening compared to that vision of walking along the beach looking beautiful with the wind blowing in your hair!You probably realize that there are parts of momming that you don’t like. And then you feel like a bad mom.When you’re early on in matrescence (the first 4-5 years), it’s kinda like early adolescence. It feels awful, you don’t know who you are, and you’re confused about what you’re supposed to be doing, what matters, and what doesn’t.That confusion of identity leads us to…The Inner SplitMatrescence isn’t just about schedules and the demands of motherhood. It is a full transformation of identity.Matrescence can be really uncomfortable and isolating. You might feel torn between who you were as a woman and who you are becoming as a mom. Between what you want and the limitations that you’re facing.Dr. Angele explains that most moms make their child a priority, which is natural because babies are so dependent on us for survival. But as time goes on and our inner needs and ambitions are constantly sacrificed, that stuff starts to bubble up and seep out.You might start to test the waters by mentioning the way you’re feeling to family or friends. And too often, it’s invalidated or responded to negatively. When you’re afraid of not being seen as a “good” mom, you’re less likely to be honest about what you’re going through.And social media doesn’t help. Those curated feeds give you the idea that you’re supposed to look or act a certain way.So you think, “Oh, I guess I’m just not doing this whole motherhood thing right.” Then the shame and guilt come in (which Dr. Angele calls “inner emotional poison”).Ultimately, Dr. Angele says, “We just want to feel validated in our experience. We don’t want someone to solve it for us. It really is about us finding our own way through, but there’s just not enough awareness and support.”Why Matrescence MattersDr. Angele says that learning the word matrescence “put a language to what I'd been struggling with and feeling for 9 years.” She went on to say it was so validating to know that what she was going through was real and that it had a name. When we have a word to put to a feeling, it helps us to make sense of our inner experience.Think about adolescence and all of the knowledge and resources that exist to help get out kids through that transformation. Moms don’t have that right now to help them through matrescence.Without this word, so many moms think there’s something wrong with them. But they’re just mothers who are changing, shifting, and figuring things out. We deserve to understand ourselves and understand what we're going through.Instead of thinking about the struggles in terms of what our kids are going through (e.g. “Oh, that’s just what it’s like to have a toddler.”), what if we framed it in terms of the mother’s transition (“Oh, you’re struggling because you’re in the middle of an identity shift.”)?As I talk about so much with parenting, it comes down to curiosity. What is the unique inner struggle that this mom is facing?Processing MatrescenceFirst of all, let's normalize the fact that you shouldn’t know better. Everyone else doesn’t have it all figured out. It’s normal to struggle.Many moms have perfectionistic inner manager parts that just want to do it “right”. We want society to see us as successful, a “good” mom. We want that external praise. But trying to be Supermom depletes us. It doesn’t leave room for us to admit that we don’t know.You’re learning. You’re becoming. You’re on a continuous journey of figuring it out.Dr. Angele shared some practical tips that she teaches moms who are going through matrescence.Notice what the word “matrescence” brings up for you. As you’ve heard us define this process, how do you feel? What thoughts came up? Dr. Angele says, “Usually, when I tell moms about matrescence, I see literally see light shine, the eyes widen. They’re processing already that they now have a word that explains all the changes.”Next, now that you have a word for what you’re going through, think back on your experience. How does this new lens change the way you see your struggles and transformation? Dr. Angele says that in many moms, this is when the heart opens. They’re filled with self-love and compassion for themselves. “It’s like an awakening moment,” she says.The truth is, it’s hard to find space to be you within matrescence. But it is possible. Dr. Angele encourages us to take advantage of micro-moments. You don’t need 20 minutes of meditation to experience benefits. Try this:Dr. Angele’s “one-breath meditation”: Place your hand over your heart and take 1 deep breath.Take a breath and repeat 2 small phrases to yourself: “I know this is hard.” and “I care.”These simple compassionate gestures activate oxytocin and literally change your brain.You can think about this within the framework of the CALM Break, as well. C: Check in yourself. How am I doing?A: Align with your values. How do I want to show up?L: Label with love. This is a transition. I’m still figuring out who I am as a mom. M: Move. Take a few deep breaths or do a shimmy shake.The Gifts of MatrescenceMatrescence is an opportunity to become who we want to be and develop the identity as a mother that we want. I know this was certainly true for me, and becoming the mom I wanted to be led me to so much healing and growth.Dr. Angele agrees. She says, “[Matrescence] wasn't what I thought was going to happen to me. I didn't see it as a spiritual awakening, but...