Become A Calm Mama

When we talk about raising emotionally healthy kids, a big part of that is teaching kids what to DO with their feelings. Giving them better strategies to manage their feelings than name calling, hitting, running away, or shutting down. You’ll Learn:Why movement is the best way to process big feelings.How to keep everyone safe if your child is hitting, kicking, or hurting3 categories of movement that help kids (and adults) regulate their nervous systemsHow to use your child’s behavior as a clue to what their body needsListen as I talk about how to help your kid calm down in a really practical way.---------------------------------------------------3 Ways to Calm DownWhen the brain gets overwhelmed or feels threatened, it gets flooded with chemicals like cortisol and adrenaline. The best way to calm the nervous system is almost always to let the emotional energy out through the body, through movement. I like to think of movement in 3 categories: #1: Push it out. Push the big feelings out. I think of these as big, heavy movements. #2: Pull it in. Pull in a sense of comfort and soothing. These are quieter.#3: Move it around. Swirl the emotion around inside your body to shake it up and get it unstuck. When you notice that your kid is dysregulated (e.g. they’re seeming a little “off”, having big feelings, or are in full meltdown mode), ask yourself…“What do they need? Do they need to push it out, pull it in, or move it around?”Use your child’s behavior as a clue to what they need. For example, if they’re hitting, kicking, spitting, punching, running away, yelling, they likely need to push it out. If you try something and it doesn’t work, no problem. Try another type of movement. You’ll start to see patterns of what works best for you and your child.Why It Works: Co-RegulationThis thing that I'm teaching you is called co-regulation. Basically, your child is dysregulated. They are not able to catch their nervous system and bring it back online. So they need support from you in order to get back to baseline. If you can be a calm and regulated adult in that situation, then your child can “borrow” your calm nervous system. With your support, they will likely be able to move through a Big Feeling Cycle (aka meltdown or tantrum) faster. And once you have practiced these strategies together, you can help them to regulate before the train has fully left the station. One thing I want you to understand: Co-regulation is not easy.There will be times when you aren’t able to co-regulate. You might find yourself getting dysregulated while this Big Feeling Cycle is going on. It might feel very hard for you to stay present in front of your child. That’s okay. If you feel like you need to escape, that's fine. Just explain. If you leave the room abruptly or in anger, it can feel like a kind of abandonment. So, say some soothing comments to them before you leave, like, “I'm gonna go calm my body. I'm gonna let you calm your body. I love you, and I will be back.”If you’re judging yourself or thinking “I can’t handle this kid,” try telling yourself this instead: “In this moment, my child is dysregulated. I don't have the capacity to co-regulate. I'm going to trust that my kid's nervous system is able to manage itself.”Because here’s the truth. Yes, we want to teach our kids healthy strategies to regulate and self-soothe. AND the nervous system is naturally drawn to finding a way back to balance. It may not always look pretty, but you can trust your child to get to a place of calm. You can trust that their body and their brain are going to get them to the other side of that dysregulation and get back to a regulated state.How To Help Your Kid Calm DownWhen your kid is in a Big Feeling Cycle, the first thing you want to do is look out for everyone’s physical safety. You’re not going to let your child regulate in ways that hurt themself or others. The value here is, “In this house, everyone stays safe.” For example, if your kid is hitting you, you can say. “In this house, everyone stays safe. You can be upset, you can have big feelings, but I will not let you hit me. I am going to get up and move away from you. I have to protect my body.” Then, calmly take a few steps back.It’s okay to set some limits here. Like, “You can’t hit me, but you can hit this pillow.” Or, “I see that you need to move your body, so what are you going to do?”Now, here are some more specific ways to use the 3 types of movement to help your kid regulate and get back to calm. Push it outSome signs that your kid needs to push the feeling out include hitting, stomping, throwing things, or doing other big body movements. I picture it like a mini-Hulk. They have all this energy in their body and they want to get it out. Start by observing. What are they doing? Are they mainly using their upper body or lower body? This can help you direct them to a better alternative. Here are some of my favorite movements to try:Carry something heavy. Give your kid the task of moving something heavy from one side of the room or house to the other.A grounding stomp. Stand up and stomp your feet on the ground. I think of this like a dinosaur or an elephant would stomp - BIG! Adding rhythm to it is even better. Ask your child to copy the rhythm or that you do. Push out through their hands. Hold up your hands and ask your kid to push against them with their hands as hard as they can. If they’re too strong, or you have an injury, or you aren’t able to do this for any reason, they can also push against a wall. Bear crawl or crab walk on the ground. Choose a movement that is a bit challenging for them. If your child is hitting… instead, have them try hitting a pillow or clapping their hands really loudly. If they want to kick, let them kick a ball against a wall if you have the space. Give a choice. If your child is hurting other people, you may need to get them out of the room to keep everyone safe. One thing I used to say to my son is, “You can’t be in here because it’s not safe. I could drag you like a caveman, or you can walk and stomp on your own.” You're moving the child, but they're gonna have some say in how they move. Add a little play to it if you can. Ask them to pretend that they’re a dinosaur, caveman, pirate, snake, bear, whatever. Give ideas of how they can move their bodies in a big, aggressive (and safe) way. Pull it inPulling it in is about feeling cozy. These are going to be quiet, soothing movements.Squeeze and release. Have your child squeeze their hands into really tight fists. Then release. Let go. Get floppy like a noodle. Talk them through squeezing and releasing their arms, their shoulders, their face, their belly, their legs, their feet, their whole body. Butterfly hug. Have your kid cross their arms over their chest in a hug and give themself a squeeze. Then, with their hands still on their shoulders, have them gently tap their shoulder left, right, left, right. Other soothing movements include wrapping in a blanket, coloring, hugging or talking to a stuffed animal, drinking water, squeezing a stress ball, or petting a dog or cat. What about if your kid is dysregulated in public? You can’t always find a quiet, cozy space. One thing to try is pulling them into you, giving them a hug, and saying something like, “You’re having big feelings in your body. Let’s figure out what to do with those feelings.”Move it around These movements are more gentle than pushing it out. You're just moving them around a little bit, allowing a little bit of energy shift inside the body.Shimmy shake. Have your kid put their hands in the air and then shake their whole body from their hands all the way through their chest, hips, knees, legs… all the way to the ground, and then shake it back up. You can pretend that you're shaking off the negative feelings like you're shaking off water from your hands.Some other great ways to move it around are:DanceDo some jumping jacksSwingRockRemember that these movements come after you’ve already used the Connection Tool to notice, narrate, name, and validate. This is the regulate piece. This is the answer to, “Okay, I validated their feelings. Now what?”Kids misbehave. They get dysregulated easily. They get overwhelmed and their nervous system misfires, especially if they're neurodivergent in any way.Through the Connection Tool and co-regulation, you are teaching them the skills to self-soothe and regulate. You’re showing them healthy ways to cope with hard circumstances and uncomfortable feelings. And you (and the rest of your family) can learn to self-regulate right alongside them. Previous Episodes:Episode 88: Co-Regulation During a MeltdownEpisode 2.16: The Connection ToolFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will

One thing moms struggle with is feeling bad about their progress in becoming calm and showing up calm with their kids. We all know we aren’t at our best when we’re stressed, overwhelmed and reactive. But knowing how to calm down in the moment isn’t always as easy as it sounds.You’ll Learn:Why you become reactive and yell, threaten or ice your kid outThree steps to pause and get back to calmClues you need a Pause BreakWhat to do after you’ve reacted in a way you don’t loveI’m walking you through my 3-step process to catch yourself, pause and get back to feeling calm.---------------------------------------Why Do I Still Get So Mad?All moms experience really tough parenting moments. Moments when you’ve been stuck in what I call Mad Mom SyndromeYou know what I'm talking about. Moments when your child is a bit off track and you get upset and all of a sudden you are yelling, threatening, and lecturing, followed by guilt and rushed apologies.Moments you are worried that the behavior you see in the present is a predictor of the future, so you act super strict and controlling.Moments when you are frustrated and say a snide or mean remark to your kid.Then, when you have a mad mom episode and act in a way you don’t think you should, a lot of criticism, guilt, and doubt pours in. You feel bad that you aren’t calm or think you should be getting there faster. But here’s the thing…Becoming calm is a PROCESS. It’s a PRACTICE. It’s something you work on over time. Some days it’s easy, and some days it isn’t. All of that is ok.These types of moments are a clue that you are in your stress cycle and feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Your brain is convinced that the circumstance is an emergency. Then, the brain activates a BIG, INTENSE STRESS RESPONSE.You become super reactive and respond to your children with stress, anxiety, frustration or anger. Then they escalate their stress behaviors and the next thing you know you are in a chaotic argument with your kids. The 3 Stages of Becoming CalmBecoming Calm is a process. It takes time. Be gentle with yourself. When you feel yourself spiraling, CATCH YOURSELF AND PAUSE. This is simple but not easy, and it comes in stages.Stage 1 - The AFTER. When you’re first starting out, you may only catch yourself after you've yelled or gotten upset. Stage 2 - The DURING. After a while, you’ll catch yourself while you are yelling or acting upset. Stage 3 - The BEFORE. Eventually you start to catch yourself before you yell or act out your frustration/overwhelm. This is the goal that you’re working towards. No matter what stage you’re in, to get out of Mad Mom Syndrome and get back to feeling calm, you need the Pause Break. There are also 3 steps to the Pause Break:Step 1: STOPDon't Talk. Don't Engage. You can stop yourself at any point when you notice you are in your stress response and are seeing signs of Mad Mom Syndrome.Step 2: DELAYDon’t decide. Don’t act. Don't do anything about the situation (unless it’s a true emergency). Give yourself time to think and get calm.Step 3: RESETActively do something to calm your stress response. During a "Reset", you will move your body, your mind or both. Pause is where all of your personal growth happens. It’s the space where change occurs. If you only take one thing away from this episode, I hope it’s this: You can always PAUSE.This process is what it ACTUALLY looks like when you are changing your brain and the way you show up as a parent. Be gentle with yourself, Mama. You’ve got this! Mentioned in this Episode:Episode 2: Getting to Calm with The Pause BreakFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn:Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tipsRate and review the podcast on Itunes

Today, I’m getting pretty personal about things I experienced in my childhood and how trauma informed my parenting. We’ll also talk about some ways to feel better and heal from traumatic experiences in your past.You’ll Learn:How trauma in your childhood can impact your parentingMy story of childhood trauma and healingHow learning the language of feelings is like talking about waterWhy healing your trauma and taking good care of your nervous system is so important for your kidsHow to start your own healing journeyPlease note, this is a really emotional episode, for me and possibly for you listening. If you feel stressed, embarrassed or overwhelmed at any point, please stop reading or listening, and take care of yourself. ---------------------------------------My best friend, Tiffany Howsam, is here with me today. Tiffany is a licensed marriage and family therapist, as well as a certified life coach. We’ve been friends for almost 20 years, and she has created a safe place for me and been a big part of my healing and parenting journey.  How Trauma Informed My ParentingWhen my son Lincoln was 4 years old, he was having major meltdowns, getting in trouble at preschool and being aggressive. And I was screaming all the time.There were times that I felt like a victim, like I was being abused by my son. When I told Tiffany this, she explained that it was not normal to feel this way and that I didn’t have to continue feeling this way. That is when I realized I needed some help. One of the first parenting workshops I attended was also my first experience with inner child work. I realized that when Lincoln was being aggressive, I felt like I was in danger, being attacked. As a result of my adverse childhood experiences, I never really felt safe in my body, environment or relationships. Everything always felt dangerous, so I was constantly seeking security and a sense of control. I tried to find the rules of how I was supposed to live, and it often showed up as perfectionism. I wanted to crack the code on everything - figure it out so I could do it “right” and be safe. This trauma also showed up for me in the form of eating disorders, people pleasing and a high sense of vigilance, When I had kids, there were so many decisions to make, and I didn’t feel like I knew the right answer to any of them. And when it came to behavior, I didn’t know how to not yell at them. So I’d yell. Then I’d feel ashamed and beat myself up, tell myself that they were bad. When you don’t have good parents, you actually don’t know what else to do. There’s no template to follow.As parents, we can have the best intentions. Then, we’re triggered and an old wound or stress response comes back up, and we’re in it, doing the thing we don’t want to do. There are so many things I went through that I wanted to protect my kids from. I made their emotional health my #1 parenting goal, which meant that I lowered my standards in other areas. I just wanted them to feel safe and held and cared for.  How I’m Healing From Childhood TraumaThere are several choices I made and strategies I used over the past 15-ish years to help me out of the trauma response, overreactivity and toxic stress. A lot of my childhood stress came from growing up in an unpredictable environment. When I was a kid, I never knew what was happening. There was so much confusion, and nobody talked to me about it. As a mom, I became really focused on not having chaos in our family. I wanted everything to be simple and flow smoothly. When my kids were young I was doing a lot of healing work, and I needed routines to support me. I did a lot of work on my mental health, through journaling, therapy and other people in my life who I could trust. I learned all I could about parenting. I read books, attended classes and workshops, completed workbooks and put a lot of time and energy into it. Then I combined all I’d learned about parenting with skills I’d used to work on my mental health to coach my kids through their feelings. I practiced being more honest with my kids, narrating circumstances and helping them name the emotions (what I now call the Connection Tool). When I think about the things that have healed me, it’s radical listening, radical honesty, radical self-love and radical action. I’m willing to be honest with myself, trust my love for myself, listen to what I’m saying and then take new action. Tiffany thinks of this as showing up for yourself how you want to show up for your kids. I see it as showing up the way you wish adults had shown up for you.  How You Can Heal From TraumaOur bodies and behavior give us clues when we are not well. If you find yourself being aggressive, yelling, being physical, emotionally checking out, looking at your phone all the time, not paying attention…these are all signs that something is off. But instead of jumping to self-judgment, we can have compassion for ourselves and get curious about where it’s coming from. What is happening underneath? What are you protecting yourself from or running away from? What are you trying to create that is lacking? Be gentle with yourself, Mama. Doing something new is not easy. Learn to speak to yourself kindly. Bring gentle curiosity to how your childhood might be showing up in parenting and in other strategies you use in your life. Then, get some support from a therapist or through one of my parenting programs. Find someone who can give you a different perspective, awareness and the support to work through it. It is never too late to start working on this stuff - to figure out how you want to parent and work on your mental health and stress so that you can show up the way you want to.Resources:Learn more about adverse childhood experiences here Take the Adverse Childhood Experience survey hereEpisode 81: The Inner Child  What Happened To You? by Bruce Perry & Oprah Winfrey The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté  Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

I want to let you in on a little secret. You don’t yell because there’s something wrong with you (or your kids). You yell as a response to stress and what your brain perceives as a threatening situation. In this episode, I’m talking about the stress cycle - what it looks like, why it happens and how it shows up in your parenting. You’ll Learn:How stress shows up and why we feel activated even if we’re not actually in dangerWhat the parenting stress cycle is and how to know if you’re in one3 ways to get out of the stress cycleBut it’s not healthy for us to live in a state of chronic stress. Let’s break the cycle.------------------------------------Before we get into the details, I want you to first imagine walking your dog at night and seeing a pack of coyotes. They start chasing you. Your brain activates the stress response, quickly assesses the threat and decides that you should RUN.You get back home, come in and close the door. You are technically safe, but your body doesn’t know that yet. It still has all of the stress juice running through your system.Once you are inside and safe, it’s time to deal with the stress that has accumulated in your body. You do that by getting your breath back, telling someone what happened, getting a hug, shaking, crying. Stress cycle complete. YAY!Now imagine that instead you come inside, but before you get a chance to deal with the stress juice, there is a new stressor. You walk into the house and your kids are arguing and your husband is yelling at them. Then you head to the kitchen and notice the dishes piled in the sink and there isn’t any meat thawed for dinner. Stressful situations keep popping up and the stress juice continues building up inside you.2 key parts of the stress cycleNotice that there are two parts of the story above: the actual threat of the coyotes and what happens after. The stressor.The stressor is the external situation that is happening around you. This can look like your child screaming, crying, being aggressive, arguing with you, peppering you with questions, blaming you for things, etc.The stress response.This is the stress juice. It’s a sort of chemical cocktail of hormones and neurochemicals that course through your body and create your stress response. And it’s not a bad thing. It helps us respond to our environment and keep ourselves safe. But it’s not healthy for us to live in a state of chronic stress. When stress juice builds up in you and isn’t released, it can make you more reactive, less effective and clouds your thinking.The problem many parents face is that we are constantly surrounded by stressors, but we don't give ourselves a chance to release the stress juice and reset.Sometimes, we don’t even realize that stress is building up inside of us. We think we’re handling things well until something unexpectedly sends us over the edge.Parenting stress cyclesThink about some of the stressors above. If you were out in the world and another adult was screaming at you or being aggressive toward you, it would likely mean that you are in a threatening situation and that you need to do something to protect yourself.So when your kid is screaming, crying or complaining, your brain can’t tell the difference. It thinks you’re being attacked, and your stress response is activated.Aggressive behavior isn’t the only thing that triggers us, though. You might also notice yourself reacting to things like dilly dallying, rudeness, bad grades or your kid just being grumpy. These behaviors activate us because we feel we’re being threatened not physically, but socially. As a community-based species, we fear rejection from others. The type of threat might be different, but your stress response works the same way. The cycle usually looks something like this:Behavior → Reaction → Guilt → Nothing Changes → Same Behavior → Reaction → Guilt3 ways to get out of the parenting stress cycleThere are a couple of places where we can interrupt the parenting stress cycle.#1: Decrease the stressorsOne of the best ways to create less misbehavior (and therefore fewer stressors) is to teach your kids better ways to deal with their feelings. To give them the tools to know what they’re feeling, how to talk about those feelings and what to do with their feelings in ways that don’t cause problems.Creating routines and setting better limits also decrease stressors by removing some of the friction around regular, everyday things.#2: Deal with your stress juiceThe more frequently you reset your stress juice, the less it builds up over time. This is where the Pause Break and Calm Mama Break come in. Think of it as stress hygiene.#3: Reframing behaviorOften we add meaning to a behavior, and this creates even more stress. We regret not doing things differently, feel fear around what the behavior means for our kid’s future or look for someone to blame. If you can think about the behavior differently, you will feel less stressed about it.This week, I want you to practice noticing when you are in a stress cycle. And instead of judging yourself for it, get curious about why you got so stressed in the first place. Noticing is step 1. Next week, we’ll get into more tools on how to break out of your stress cycle.Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Today I’m talking about misbehavior and the #1 reason it is so hard for parents. Misbehavior creates a lot of conflict in families. It’s one of the main reasons parents yell.You’ll Learn:Why misbehavior often feels like an emergency (even though it’s usually not)How to recognize your body’s stress response and be aware of your reactionsDifferent ways to think about misbehavior - and prevent your stress response from kicking inSimple steps to use limits and rules to effectively manage behaviorIf you’ve ever thought “If they would just listen and stop acting out, I wouldn’t have to yell!” this episode is for you!-----------------------------------------Maybe your brain has offered you the solution of getting your kids to behave better by having more rules and more limits and more consequences. By being more strict. Many parents think the answer to misbehavior is in having better routines, or being more consistent, or being more firm.The problem with this solution is that it doesn’t address the roots of misbehavior.In this episode, I’m sharing why it’s so triggering and upsetting for you, and some concrete and practical steps to handling misbehavior without resorting to lecturing, avoiding, yelling, threatening or shaming.Surprise! It all starts in your brain.As a parent, your child’s behavior often activates your stress response. Your brain wants to INTERPRET your kid’s behavior as a DANGER to your physical or emotional safety. It will TRICK you into thinking that your kid’s behavior is a threat to you.It will tell you that you need to protect yourself. Get bigger. Get louder. Fight back. Run away. And that can make it hard to remain calm.But when you can understand what’s driving the behavior and view it as an opportunity rather than a problem, you can head off the stress response and feel more calm in the situation.Related Episodes:Episode 62: Parenting Stress Cycles [Part 3] Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Welcome to part 2 of the Goal Setting Series! Last week, I walked you through how to figure out what you want and clearly define your goal. Today, we’re talking about defining and overcoming obstacles on the way to your goal.I’ll share some common obstacles, as well as really tangible strategies to help you overcome them. You’ll Learn:5 common obstacles and how to overcome them3 strategies to build belief in yourself and your goalWhat I wrote to myself back in 2022 when I was struggling with negative thoughts and lack of beliefWhy quitting doesn’t mean you’ll never achieve your goalA fun little rhyme to remember when life happens and you get off-track with your goalObstacles are inevitable whenever you are achieving something big (or even something small). By preparing for setbacks, you’ll be less likely to get discouraged and thrown off course.If you haven’t already grabbed your copy of the free Goals Workbook, click here to get it and follow along. ---------------------------------------------I’m using my 2026 goal of publishing a book as an example throughout this series. This is a goal I’ve wanted to achieve for a long time, and I have PLENTY of evidence of the obstacles that have prevented me from achieving this goal in the past. Common Obstacles to Achieving a GoalThere are 5 obstacles that I’ve seen come up in myself and others over and over again. They are:Belief or mindsetKnowledgeJust plain old quittingTimeLife situationsThe good news is that these are all solvable! You just have to be committed and have some helpful tools and strategies ready to go.Obstacle #1: BeliefYour thoughts about yourself, your goal, and what's possible for you play a major role in whether or not you achieve your goals. We know that thoughts lead to feelings, which lead to action. That means that if you don’t have belief in yourself and your goal, you’re way less likely to take the actions needed to achieve it. Some of the negative thoughts that creep up can be sneaky. Watch out for ones like:This is going to be a failure.I’m not good enough.I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve tried before and failed, so of course I’m gonna fail again.Just because these thoughts pop up, it doesn’t mean they’re true!Strategies to Build BeliefThis first strategy is one of my favorites, and I do it often. I call it an “I love you” letter. Sit down and write yourself an encouraging letter, as if your best friend is talking to you. Or your purest core Self that is full of love for you. (You can hear me read one of my old I love you letters to myself in the full episode). The next strategy goes back to last week’s episode and your “why”. When you reconnect with the true reason you want your goal, it often inspires you to action. Another way to build belief is to create an evidence log. When you think that your goal is impossible, your brain will start looking for evidence that that is true. Instead, practice looking for evidence that what you want IS possible, and write it down. Here are some ways to find that evidence:Look back at your life. When have you proven to yourself that you can do things?What is a goal you set in the past that you achieved?These bits of evidence do not have to be directly related to your goal. You’re just building a body of proof that you can succeed. For example, my goal is to publish a book. Some of my evidence includes times I wanted to (and did) graduate from college, start a podcast, build a profitable business, improve my marriage, and eat healthy. As you add to your log, I know that you’ll end up with plenty of evidence that you are a person who is capable of achieving her goals. You can also use this strategy if you are struggling with impostor syndrome or thoughts like, “I’m not smart enough,” “I’m not good enough,” etc. Focus on positive personality traits like, “I am a person who doesn't quit. Even if I've quit before I've come back to it,” or “I am a person who likes to work hard.“Decide that you are good enough, and look for evidence of that being true.Obstacle #2: KnowledgeThe truth is that, sometimes, you really just don’t know what to do. Or you don’t have the information or skills to make your goal happen (yet). When I started my business, I got trained in a bunch of different parenting philosophies. Then a few years later, I went through life coaching certification. When I wanted to start this podcast, I had to do some research and took an online course.The solution to this one is super practical. When you are lacking knowledge, it means that you have to invest in yourself, education, and resources that you need in order to fill that knowledge gap. Obstacle #3: QuittingQuitting is probably the #1 obstacle to achieving your goals. We’ve all done it. You just stop working on it. You can always overcome quitting by starting again.You can un-quit whenever you want. It’s a decision you can make at any time. It's not that big of a deal to quit and then say, “Oh well, I quit, but now I'm going to go back.” Tell yourself, “I love quitting AND I love starting again.”Obstacle #4: TimeThis is a huge obstacle for most of us. And the solution is really in the planning. You not only have to figure out what you need to do to achieve your goal; You also have to get clear on when you’re going to do it.None of us has an infinite amount of time (or energy and mental capacity). These limitations are real. So when you want to achieve a goal, you will probably have to sacrifice in some other area. You can look at overcoming the time obstacle in 2 different ways:How much time do I need in order to reach my goal?How much time do I have that I can dedicate to my goal?I recommend starting with a time audit. (You’ll find a template for this in the workbook.) Look at your week or a couple of weeks and write down how you are spending your time. As you review your audit, you’ll probably find some chunks of discretionary time that are available. This helps you create a sort of time budget. Depending on the approach you’re taking, you’ll find out:Whether you have the amount of time available that you think you need.How much time you have available. Then, you’ll decide which actions will fit into that allotted time.You may discover that you do not have enough available time to take the actions you want toward your goal. This means that you’ll have to get rid of some things in order to create more time. This goes back to the prioritizing that we talked about in last week’s episode. This is what happened to me when I really started looking at creating focused time to work on my book. I found some areas of life and business that were taking up a lot of time, and I made some decisions:Stop recording new podcast episodes for a little while (don’t worry, we’re putting out an amazing “best-of” series starting in January)Keep dinners really simple, saving time on meal planning and prepPause taking on new coaching clients while I work on the bookClose my group program, so that I can put all my mental energy into the book (which will reach more parents and make an even bigger...

When a kid has experienced trauma, their nervous system often fires in ways that are unpredictable, intense, and challenging. Today, my guest Jamie C. Finn is sharing trauma-informed parenting techniques to help you and your child be better regulated. You’ll Learn:How your curiosity can shift your kid’s behaviorThe benefits of staying regulated (even when it feels like a lot of work)Why caring for your nervous system is the most important thing you can do for your home…and how to do itPowerful mindset shifts that will change the way you show up as a momWe cover a lot of ground in this conversation, really drilling down to what it means to be a mom. Whether your child has experience trauma or not, I know you’ll love this episode!--------------------------------------I invited Jamie to the podcast because she is a foster parent, an adoptive parent, and a parent of children she has birthed (7 kids total!). And she has a lot of experience raising kids who are neurodivergent and have a history of trauma. We cover a lot of ground in this conversation, really drilling down to what it means to be a mom. Jamie C. Finn has written 3 books: Foster the Family, Filled, and God Loves Kids. She is also the founder and president of Foster the Family, a national nonprofit that serves vulnerable children and the families welcoming them, as well as the founder of the Filled Gathering, the largest gathering of foster and adoptive moms in the world.  Meet Jamie C. FinnJamie’s family started out as something pretty conventional, but has grown into so much more. 11 years ago, she and her husband had 2 kids - one boy, one girl - living the American dream. Today, they have 7 children ranging in age from 2 to almost 17, including 4 kids that they adopted through foster care, and 1 in a current foster placement. She says it became a life of “keeping our doors open to kids who need us.”She came from a background of conservative, traditional, gospel-centered Christian parenting. And while Jamie still draws heavily from her faith and religion, her approach has changed drastically over the years. The first parent training she ever went to was very authoritarian, and she was immediately uncomfortable with the strategies she was being taught. But Jamie’s first trauma-informed training opened her eyes to a whole new way of thinking about her kids and their behavior. She was amazed to learn that a trauma-informed approach also worked with her biological child who struggled with ADHD and anxiety. She says, “This isn't just about trauma. This is about seeing our kids’ brains and meeting our kids where they are.” It’s not about getting immediate obedience. It’s more like saying, “My heart is for you and I'm with you and I want you to be able to succeed in obedience.” She’s now been on a journey for the past 11 years of learning to love and parent her children well and helping other families to do the same. The Power of CuriosityWhen I looked up “trauma-informed parenting”, I found that it was “based on the concept that behaviors are often windows into underlying emotions or unmet needs.” And I thought, well that just sounds like human-informed parenting to me. To some extent, Jamie agrees. She says that she doesn’t change the way she parents based on whether a kid has experienced trauma or not. She still wants to understand the need and how she can help them meet it. However, she believes that the curiosity goes deeper in a trauma-informed approach, especially when you don’t have the child’s full history. She says, “It leads to curiosity, which leads to generosity, which leads to meeting that need.” This curiosity can almost be harder to access with neurotypical, biological kids. It’s easier to expect them to have it all together. But even if their story, brain, and biology are typical, there are triggers that come up from their hormones, diet, school, schedule, friendships, sleep, etc. There is still plenty of room for curiosity about what is behind the behavior.I like to think of it as the journey to compassion. Judgment >> Neutrality >> Curiosity >> CompassionCuriosity always comes before compassion. It’s looking for a genuine answer to “Why are you acting this way?” Jamie says that “our kids usually can’t answer [that question]. That’s why it’s our job to be little detectives.” Is it coming from something that happened at school today, last week, or from a trauma in their story that happened 10 years ago?Even when you can’t find the answer, Jamie says, ask yourself, “How can I look at them as a full person who needs compassion right now?” Trauma-Informed Parenting ToolsThe thing about trauma is that it actually rewires the brain. It makes the parts of the brain that are reactive bigger and more reactive. And it makes the parts that are thoughtful and do good planning and thinking smaller and less potent. Essentially, the brain is wired to get afraid and activated and stay that way. I like to use the visual of a cup with the liquid being stress. A neurotypical, non-trauma kid has some liquid in their cup, but there’s still some room. Someone with neurodivergence or a history of trauma has a cup that stays pretty full, so when you add a stressor or stimulation, it overflows easily.As a result, it takes a lot more work to keep the nervous system regulated. And it’s also much more important to stay regulated. Jamie says that learning about trauma-informed parenting changed the way she parents ALL of her kids. Ultimately, it comes down to regulation. The tools she uses don’t necessarily depend on whether the child has experienced trauma or not. They’re more geared toward the age of the kid and what works for each individual. One simple tip is that Jamie likes to use the word “dysregulated” with her kids, rather than labeling a specific emotion. She says, “It is easy to be defensive of the idea that you're in a bad mood or you're being mean or you're angry.” Using the word “dysregulated” tends to bring those defenses down a bit. In my family, we tend to use the word “overwhelmed” in this same way. It’s more like, “Let’s take a minute. I want to help you calm down.” Staying Regulated as a MomYour kid’s trauma or neurodivergence doesn’t just affect them. Jamie says, “All of your kid’s triggers are now your triggers,” because you are now managing your kids and their stressors and triggers. And that keeps your stress cup brimming, as well. It increases your cortisol levels, changes your brain chemistry, and keeps you more activated.When you’re not having a “typical” experience of motherhood, it can feel really hard. You feel different because your experience literally is different. It often feels like no one understands - teachers, playgroups, even parent educators. You’re not crazy. The work is objectively harder. You have to work harder at calming yourself and calming your child. Jamie says that parenting 7 kids has been a journey. She’s fallen on her face, dragged herself back up, and realized that something needed to change. One insight I love was when she said, “The expectation can't be that the kids are going to be the ones who are going to change. It needs to be me.”She realized that she needed to do something about her stress level because her kids were hijacking her nervous system every 5 seconds. She realized that she needed to take care of herself in every way - mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually - so that she could show up for her kids. She says, “When I show up for this 125% job at 50%, it's just not going to work.”Now, Jamie says, “For me to stay regulated is far easier than for me to become dysregulated and then have to reregulate.” She thinks of it like a prescription. Some daily actions that help are getting plenty of sleep, going for a daily walk, and reading her bible. She also goes to therapy and spends time with “her people”. Jamie says it was a huge pressure, but she knew that if she wasn’t regulated, her children would stay in their dysregulated states forever. Once she started seeing herself as the cornerstone, it became clear what needed to change. And the change has been dramatic.Jamie says that the true difference, now that the focus is on regulation rather than obedience, is “we don’t have a home of chaos. Yeah, we have a home of individuals who struggle in different ways at different times. And then we come back down and we have a home of peace and joy.”Creating a Rhythm of CareJamie explains that when you have trauma and dysregulation in your home, it can leave you feeling completely out of control. You become a victim to everything going on around you. But you actually have the power to change the dynamic in your home.  There are SO many great regulation strategies out there, but often 1 or 2 things work best for an individual. Jamie and I agree that a great place to start is, “move your body, move your mind”. And the good news is that all of these strategies build on each other. One small thing can help you feel a little better, have a little more capacity and energy. The more often you come back to a regulated baseline, the longer you’ll be able to stay there.Making one choice, doing one good thing for yourself, makes it easier to make more good choices. And once you get into a rhythm, something like your daily walk, morning journal, or...

Today is Thanksgiving here in the US, so in the spirit of giving thanks, today’s episode is all about gratitude, how it relates to children and parenting, and my three favorite strategies for cultivating genuine gratitude in yourself and your kids.---------------------------------What is Gratitude?In Brene Brown's book, Atlas of the Heart, she defines gratitude as, “an emotion that reflects our deep appreciation for what we value, what brings meaning to our lives, and what makes us feel connected to ourselves and others.”So it isn’t just about saying thank you, it’s an emotion. And it requires that we look for the good and take the time to fully feel that appreciation. This isn’t something that comes naturally to humans, so it is a perspective and mindset that we need to cultivate and practice. The good news is that when you do that practice, it can become really easy to access those thankful thoughts and feelings.Gratitude and KidsGratitude is really hard for our kids, and here’s why. First, it has to do with their developmental stage. Because of the way their brains are developed, kids aren’t really able to see different perspectives until around age 9 or 10.Also, many of our kids don’t experience a lot of struggle. As parents, we want our kids' lives to be mostly simple, easy and happy. So for them, good is the norm. They don’t have much other life experience yet to compare it with. Basically, they don’t know how good they’ve got it.In many ways, we’ve taught them that. We've taught them to expect ease. We've taught them to think that the world revolves around them.But then we get mad at them for we get mad at them when they're not feeling grateful for a nice house or a loving family whatever you want your kids to be grateful for.I want to tell you that you don’t have to make them wrong for their ignorance or lack of perspective. It’s a part of development. The best way for you to cultivate gratitude in your kids is to model it for them.Weaponizing GratitudeSomething I see often as I coach moms is when a mom starts to share with me a challenge in her life and expresses her feelings, like hurt, disappointment or sadness, and she stops herself and sort of backs up a bit. Then, she says things like, “I shouldn't even be complaining,” “I’m being so whiny,” “I know I have it better than other people.”This is what I think of as weaponizing gratitude. You are using gratitude as a weapon to shut down your feelings. Trying to ignore the feeling, manufacture gratitude and bypass your negative emotions does not work. It doesn’t help you. What you need is a safe place to dump some of the junk that's going on.You need to have your feelings acknowledged, allowed and accepted, either by yourself or by whoever you're talking to.We all have lots and lots of feelings. And sometimes those feelings are not so great. We don't need to judge our negative feelings and then tell ourselves we should be grateful. The Other Side of GratitudeNow don’t get me wrong - I love gratitude. But I can only feel that feeling of gratitude because I've opened myself up to all the other feelings, the anger, the resentment, the sadness, the disappointment, the grief.  All any feeling ever wants us to be felt.Gratitude is a wonderful emotion, but you cannot fake it. It's calm after the storm. Because gratitude is really perspective. And perspective only comes when we take an honest account of our lives, when we're looking at what is hard and what is great. It's okay to feel disappointed. It's okay to feel angry, it's okay to feel sad. It's okay to feel hurt. None of these are the opposite of gratitude, but we have to acknowledge them all. Once you process your negative emotion, gratitude is on the other side.Cultivating Genuine GratitudeThere are three practices that have helped me access gratitude faster. When I use these strategies regularly, they help me shift towards gratitude with greater ease, so that once I move through my negative emotion, gratitude is easy for me to find.You can use these on your own or with your kids to cultivate more gratitude within your family.#1 As part of my daily journaling, I complete this sentence, “I am grateful for _____ because ______.” I love adding the “because” to this sentence. Adding the benefit or reason I am grateful for what I’ve focused on for that day deepens my appreciation of it. #2 Write a list of 10 things you really really wanted in the past and now you have. This is a great exercise for perspective and finding genuine gratitude! #3 Switch the focus of the holiday season from 'getting' to 'giving': Bring your kids into the gift giving process and allow them to pick out gifts for others. Set a budget and talk about the reason you chose that amount for each gift.Let the kids pick gifts within the range. Have them wrap them. The more invested they are in giving, the less focus they will have on receiving.I’m thankful for you, Mama (and your kids are, too). Have a wonderful holiday. xo, DarlynnResources:Atlas of the Heart by Brene BrownGet your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips Rate and review the podcast on Itunes