Bodice Tipplers

He's Wrath, an ancient seven foot tall vampire who dresses exclusively in unflattering leather pants. She's Beth, a reporter who has no idea she's about to hit Vampire Puberty. All of their friends have ridiculous names! There are ten million books in this series and people are feral for it, let's find out why! We are very sorry - we are doing our best but . We recorded this before Christmas! So happy every-holidays, I guess. This one has bad dogs who die, Vampire Nonsense, murdered sex workers as a plot device (I don't think the author really treats them disposably but characters in the book certainly do), Cop Nonsense, some sex-pollen consent issues, attempted rape, and reckless use of surplus consonants. Oh, and if you want a visual of what somebody thinks these people ought to look like, check out these amazing casting announcement photos.

She's Grace, the world's least qualified sex therapist! He's Julian, a sex slave who lives in a book! Together I really wish they fought crime! It's Fantasy Lover by Sherrilyn Kenyon, the first Dark Hunters book! We actually forgot to do content warnings in the recording (we are out of practice!) but this one does have some creepy stalker business, some off-screen magical "Cupid's Arrow" use by the "hero", a lot of sexual pushiness (light ravishing?), the f-slur, a white voodoo priestess, and it's also deeply stupid. This is the first episode of our Cringe Binge miniseries, where we read a bunch of books we are not calling guilty pleasures! For more info see our preview episode.

She's Anita, a zombie raising hate crime enthusiast! He's Jean Claude, a vampire who's in the Chamber of Commerce and shops exclusively at International Male! They do not do it until the fifth book! It's Guilty Pleasures, the first Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter book by Laurell K. Hamilton! This was a serious thing for Sara back in college, who is currently having an existential crisis about the trashbag fakeass non-intersectional feminism of the all of it. It was new to Courtney, who hated it. It's halfway to Halloween, so we pulled this one out of a musty old crypt where we honestly kinda forgot about how we recorded it! I mentioned a quote and I mentioned the author but there were, like, twenty minutes between the two in the episode, so let me clarify that when I talked about how "the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house" I was referring to an essay of the same title by Audre Lorde, from her collection Sister Outsider which is a) a quick read, go read it right now, it won't take you but a minute, and b) about being constantly asked to be the only Black woman, or the only lesbian, or the only Black lesbian, at every conference and on every panel. "As women, we have been taught either to ignore our differences, or to view them as causes for separation and suspicion rather than as forces for change. Without community there is no liberation, only the most vulnerable and temporary armistice between an individual and her oppression. But community must not mean a shedding of our differences, nor the pathetic pretense that these differences do not exist." Audre Lorde would eat Anita Blake alive. There's actually quite a bit of content-warning stuff in here - obviously there's vampire-typical violence and lack of consent and all that, but there's also a ton coming from ol' Anita - you got some fat shaming, some kink shaming, she's really got it in for sex workers, she can't stand it when other people have any kind of good time, she's Not Like Other Girls... I bet there's even a bit in here where she talks about how unfashionably big her boobs are and how unfashionably beautiful her skin is and how unfashionably thick and lustrous her mane of hair is.

We recorded this months ago, in the fall! We are sorry! He's Brendan, a DOJ attorney ferreting out white supremacists! She's Caroline, a counselor whose mom calls all the time! Will they ever buy curtains to spare the neighbors' tender eyes? Find out in Heat Wave by Barbara Delinsky, another of our "five heart romances"! If you're new to this, we're doing episodes on the list of books that Romantic Times reviewer Melinda Helfer awarded five hearts to (there are sixteen, out of ten thousand!) So far, Melinda did not miss. No real content warnings in this one except that I do not think sex scenes should ever, under any circumstances, include the word "womb". Gah.

Welcome to our fifth year of reading Anne Rice books for Halloween, with special guest Dr. Claire Mischker! He's David Talbot, nobody's favorite old man/young twink vampire! She's Merrick, too cool for these dusty losers, out here committing perfume crimes! In accordance with long-established tradition, this episode is rambling and yelly and has weird sound! Note: I promise we actually do know that Guatemala is in Central America, but once you make a mistake one time on a podcast it's really hard to not keep making it. As usual there are a slew of real content warnings about anything our girl Anne writes - in this one there is some really gross sexualization of a child (although she is an adult when they actually bang it out); there's somebody letting Anne Rice write about race and colorism which was, let's say, a mistake; and there's quite a lot of talk about suicide. If you need support, the new 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available by phone (just dial 988) or by text or chat at https://988lifeline.org/. You are not a fictional vampire; we are glad you are here and want you to stay here.

He's Stephan, a time travelling good Nazi! She's Laura, a woman he will not leave alone! It's Dean Koontz's Lightning, the first of our summer road trip books! To explain the amazing graphic my husband ran up for this - I am almost certain this is Koontz's own Terminator fanfic, predicting Badass T2 Sarah Connor years before that movie came out. If you didn't see this amazing profile of Dean Koontz in the Washington Post last year please enjoy this gift link! Why yes, it is weird! He really does wear his hair like that! Is it his hair? I dunno, I mean, I'm sure he owns it, yes. Every day! All the time! His wife just walks into a room and there it is! People's lives, man! So if you're new to the Koontz, prepare for some damn content warnings - this one's got wack-ass ableism, Fated Child Sex Abuse, the strangest fat shaming I've ever seen, kids burning alive, oh yeah Nazis (at least they're the bad guys, never thought I'd live to have to say that!), I probably forgot some. I will say that when we call this guy a "good Nazi" what we mean is a traitor to the Nazi cause, not the other thing. We wouldn't be reading one with the other thing.

His job is Amish! She's an accountant with an ulcer and a bad case of second chance romance! Will they fall back in love? Can she get over that weird beard thing? Find out in Cheryl Reavis' A Crime of the Heart, another of our "five heart romances"! If you're new to this, we're doing episodes on the list of books that Romantic Times reviewer Melinda Helfer awarded five hearts to (there are sixteen, out of ten thousand!) This one is very sweet but their problems are real and grounded - if "I had your baby and I gave it away" adoption stories or religious communities shunning family members are an issue for you, they're discussed here in a way that's pretty realistic and therefore troubling to some people. Spoiler - they do not go find the adopted child.

This is our first intentional entry in a little project we're doing - friend of the podcast Steve Ammidown posted this fascinating spread with a list of all the books Melinda Helfer, a Romantic Times editor, awarded five hearts in a review. Sixteen books out of ten thousand! Well, it turns out we'd already done two of them - Lightning that Lingers and The Windflower, both by Sharon and Todd Curtis (sometimes writing as Laura London.) Go check out those episodes, they're fantastic books! So every now and then going forward we're going to do one of these five heart books. This is a mercenary book, but it's surprisingly gentle - there's that hostage situation, but nobody is seriously hurt and it doesn't feel incredibly perilous. There's later a bit of a threatening situation but it is also pretty low key. The author makes up some fake South American rebels but goes to real Northern Ireland in 1987, bold move! This is a delightful romantic suspense book for its time period.

He's Ben, a cinnamon roll who bakes cinnamon rolls! He's Adam, a hockey coach and a pain in the ass! It's our annual modern gay Hannukah book - chag sameach, y'all! This year we read Ben's Bakery and the Hannukah Miracle by Penelope Peters. This one does have some serious religious gatekeeping - we mention it because it is really upsetting because this dude is not the catch he thinks he is to be such a damn asshole telling other people how to do their own damn religion right. Argh! (We liked Ben so much that we had absolutely zero time for this Adam guy.) Also, advanced moppet warning!

He's Scott, the dumbest fighter pilot to ever be trusted with a top secret time travel experiment! She's Rachel, a Civil War spy who has somehow never worn a corset! It's Till the End of Time, a 1994 time travel romance by Suzanne Elizabeth that has twenty whole reviews on Goodreads! This is a silly book, so there isn't much to warn you about except that this man is incredibly stupid and that your tax dollars are being lit on fire, and you would not believe the terrible packing on display here. The book does (I mean this is a low bar but) understand that slavery is wrong and is entirely on the side of the abolitionists in it, but it does also fail the seriousness test in that upon time travelling and meeting enslaved people the hero just takes it in stride which is distressing. So I couldn't remember everything when we were recording but these are the ten essentials you should always take when you go out in the wilderness OR WHEN YOU ARE TIME TRAVELING (even if it's a totally familiar trail - day hikers are the ones who get in trouble outdoors because they underplan!) On a routine hike you might not need any of them, but if the shit hits the fan you'll be glad you prepared - think about the worst that could reasonably happen that you could prepare for and pack for that. Usually that's a night out in the rough, a sudden weather change, or an injury anywhere between annoying and serious. Think none of that will happen to you? Then plan to take this stuff to help somebody else. Navigation: map, compass, GPS, consider a PLB for real backcountry or backpacking trips - best practice is a paper map and compass as a backup, don't just rely on your phone! Light - a flashlight or headlamp can weigh next to nothing and you'll be extremely glad if you need it! Again, don't rely on your phone for this. Throw one in your suitcase too, I use mine a lot when I travel. Sun protection - hat, sunglasses, sunscreen, long sleeves, whatever you need. Best practice for looking hot your whole life. First aid - a simple kit including foot care and insect repellent can go in a sandwich bag at the bottom of your pack. It doesn't have to be elaborate, snakebite kits are nonsense, but you want to be able to stop bleeding, protect a blister, splint a limb, tame an allergic reaction, take a bee stinger out, that sort of thing. Leave the suture kit for people who know how to use one - if you do, you shouldn't be getting your first aid tips from a podcast about romance novels. (Pro tip, you're gonna want most of this this at Disney too!) Knife, and anything you might need to fix the rest of your gear. (So, if you have a tent, make sure you can temporarily fix a broken pole.) Roll of duct tape around a Sharpie is a good idea. A way to make fire - assume everything will be wet. No, you probably cannot do this with a bow drill in an emergency unless you've done it before. Shelter - can just be a space blanket, I have one in all my backpacks and my car's glovebox. Extra food - beyond what you're scheduled to need, you never know when you'll get stuck or encounter somebody in trouble. Extra water - same idea. A water filter, if you know there will be water sources, will work. Extra clothes - you can get wet, or the weather can change. How many of these does our erstwhile Air Force captain take with him a hundred and fifty years into the past? Well, he has some sweatpants, some snacks, and a flashlight.

Welcome to our fourth (!) annual AnneRiceoween extravaganza featuring The Vampire Armand! We skipped Memnoch the Devil because we just did not want to read it, but don't worry, this book makes us find out what happened in it anyway! As usual, this episode features Friend of the Podcast Dr. Claire Mischker, weird audio (we had to change our remote recording platform so we all sound like we're living in separate wells) and an absurdly long runtime! This book has some heavier content warnings than you'd even expect from a vampire book - it has a lot of sexual abuse both of children and adults, some child sex trafficking, monastic immurement, murder, bad dads both heavenly and temporal, way too much of Beethoven's Appassionata Sonata, and of course all the traditional vampire stuff like nonconsensual blood drinking and wallowing in angst. Oh, and it wouldn't be an Anne Rice book if it didn't have a long passage about becoming a vampire and shitting your pants. The book I tried to remember and couldn't quite is Goddess of Filth by V. Castro - read it to decolonize your ideas about possession!

She's Merry, a naïve teenager who mostly sits around waiting for something to happen. He's Devon, the evil pirate who kidnaps her mostly by accident. It's the War of 1812! Laura London is actually Tom and Sharon Curtis; we previously did a Loveswept by them that was a lot of fun, Lightning That Lingers. Check it out! We've been sleeping on this book for forever - it actually got recommended to Sara by a coworker years ago, when we first started, and we should have read it then because it's a blast. The best part, of course, is everybody who isn't Devon - there's a band of Merry Men, most notably Dread Pirate Rand and Disaster Bi Cat, but don't forget Ship Pet Raven who is a person and Best Pirate Dennis who is a pig. It does have a genuinely shocking amount of threatened and past rape for such a fun and fluffy book, most of which are pretty abstract but there's some tragic backstory to some characters, some of it you'll expect and some of it you won't. And of course there's dirty deeds, some of which are quite expensive - although you'd expect more pirating? Honestly though if I'd have known this book had a queer androgynous silver haired bitchy pirate I'd have been on it thirty years ago.

Welcome to Jackie July! We're dedicating this month to listener favorite Jackie Collins because we're in the middle of a Jackaissance - a fancy new 40th anniversary edition of Hollywood Wives is coming out (introduction by Colleen Hoover!) and two of her daughters, Rory and Tiffany, are doing press for it. We had a blast sitting down for an interview with them and we think you'll enjoy it, too. Later this month we'll dedicate an episode to Hollywood Wives and then we'll have an episode on the insane 1985 miniseries (Candice Bergen! Robert Stack! Anthony Hopkins?!) as a special treat for our Patreon subscribers. In the interview we talk a lot about Lady Boss: The Jackie Collins Story - it's a 2021 documentary available on Netflix in the US and various other places abroad; it's a lot of fun and we really recommend it. Have we done a Jackie Collins book before? You bet your sweet patootie we have! Our 45th episode was on Lucky - check it out here or wherever you get your podcasts! For more Jackie content, her website has a ton of fun content and links to her social media, which continues to be updated with archival material and release updates! Check it out at jackiecollins.com, or follow her on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, and Instagram.