Derek Sivers podcast

For the last three years, my boy and I have had a pet mouse. We got her from a pet store, and he’s carried her in his hand through so many adventures in forests, beaches, and playgrounds. She sat on many little handmade boats down the creeks of New Zealand. Sand castles and Lego houses built just for her. Drawings and stories for and about her. You’ve never seen a mouse so loved. The past six months, she’s been next to me on my desk, twelve hours a day, as I wrote this book. Moving slower and wobbling, looking like she’s in pain. This week, she kept falling over when trying to eat. Thirty minutes ago, she died. I’m surprised how much I’ve been crying. As soon as she died, she looked at peace for the first time in months. It led to a thought that seems like a nice end to this book, and gives it extra meaning for me. Heaven is such a useful reframing. Maybe it’s the original reframing. Death can be terrifying or devastating, so no wonder every culture found a way to reframe it. Some people avoid loving pets or even people, because they’re scared of the eventual heartbreak and loss. But avoiding sadness is like listening to music with only major chords. The minor chords are so beautiful. I’m crying, but isn’t that wonderful? It’s a part of a rich life. And even that is reframing. It’s a useful belief that has helped me love people and pets, again and again.

When I got my first guitar, the nice man at the shop put on new strings and tuned it. A week later, I brought it back to the shop because it sounded terrible. He told me it was just out of tune. I said, “But you tuned it already!” He explained that I constantly have to re-tune it every time I play. Same with adopting a new mindset. Every week, back in the journal, reflecting, talking with friends, and making adjustments. Sometimes you need to stick to the plan exactly, and only adjust your thoughts. Sometimes you need to update the plan. Use your wisdom to decide. Don’t be discouraged when you get off course. A big benefit of keeping a journal is that you can go back and review it, to remind yourself what you’re doing and why.

No matter what choice you make, someone will tell you it’s wrong. It’s wrong because it’s not what they would have chosen. It’s not what they need. It’s not the choice of other people they know. It’s not what an expert recommends. The prosecution rests their case. You might feel a need to defend it, or argue why you’re right. Don’t bother. It’s not for them, or anyone else. It’s not even for your future or past. It’s only for you, and only for now. Your choice helps you do what you need to do, be who you want to be, or feel at peace. It improves your current actions. That’s enough. No need to argue that it’s true.

Once you find a viewpoint you want to adopt, a great tool to internalize it is a private journal. Whether you write, type, or just talk, the point is to fill your mind with this new perspective. Strengthen it by stacking up the reasons why you chose it. “Here’s how this will help me: ____” “Here’s how this will help others: ____” Clarify it by defining it so simply that it’s easy to remember. “Here’s how I’d explain it to a stranger in ten seconds: ____” Plan it with a specific list of actions. Picture the changes vividly. Describe your new self-identity and its implications. Prepare for setbacks. Outsmart your future self that will try to revert to your old mindset. Trick the trickster in advance. Come back and review your journal often, so you can remind yourself of your decision, reasons, vision, and plan.

Picture the stereotype of an explorer, hundreds of years ago, on an expedition to uncharted lands. The explorer tries everything. Up that river. Down that valley. Into every inlet. The explorer finds a nice harbor that would make a great port, and notifies the queen. The queen appoints a captain to lead people to this new place. The leader is focused entirely on this destination. “Here’s where we’re going. Here’s why. Here’s how. Let’s go.” The leader describes the plan clearly and simply so it’s easy to understand and repeat. The leader goes in a straight line, obstinate and undistracted. If a storm sends the ship off course, it gets back on course. If you tried to suggest, halfway there, “What if we tried somewhere else, instead?”, the leader would ignore you. This is a metaphor for two sides of yourself. When making a change in your life or your mind, you start by exploring. You take in tons of information, and keep searching for different perspectives. Eventually, you don’t need more information or time. You’ve found some good options. You need to decide. You need to switch from explorer to leader — to leading yourself. Stop considering other viewpoints. Stop changing the course. Pick a destination and cut off other options. “Here’s where I’m going. Here’s why. Here’s how. Let’s go.” Describe the plan clearly and simply so it’s easy to remember. Go in a straight line, obstinate and undistractable. Ignore that explorer inside of you that says, “What if I tried something else, instead?” You can go back to exploring after you arrive at your destination.

This is where I would share powerful questions that you can answer for big insights and change. But here’s why I’m not: I’ve read books that have long lists of questions. But when I’m reading, I want to keep reading, not stop for hours or days at that spot, pondering every question. I’ve read books that act like a workbook, giving many blank pages with lines, expecting you to write your answers in that space. Does anyone actually do this? It doesn’t work on the ebook or audiobook. I’d rather use my own journal. If I put questions here, I’d think of better ones after the book is published. So here’s what we’ll do: Go to sive.rs/u That’s the permanent website for this book, where I’ll keep an ever-improving collection of helpful questions, free for you to take and use whenever you want. I hope you agree that it’s better than this page of this book could ever be.

To list all the beliefs I’ve found useful would fill a whole book. (Actually, four books so far, since that’s what my previous books were about.) So instead, for your own ideation, it might help if I list the traits that my most useful perspectives have shared: Direct: Go directly for what I really want, instead of using other means to get there. This requires soul-searching of my real motivations. What do I really want? And what’s the point of that? Am I keeping a job just to feel secure? Getting a university degree for the status? Starting a business for the freedom? Instead, find a more efficient path to the real end result. Energizing: I’ll think of many smart but uninspiring perspectives, then one makes me bolt straight up in my seat, full of excitement. It inspires me to take immediate action. Note that fear is a form of excitement. Self-reliant: It doesn’t depend on anything out of my control. It doesn’t need anyone’s approval or involvement. It doesn’t need anything to change. It works no matter what happens. It’s about the process, not the outcome. Balancing: Lately I’ve had too much of something, and not enough of something else. Comfort versus challenge. Social-time versus me-time. Exploring versus focusing. Prioritize what’s been neglected. Selfless: I see myself from the outside, and know that I basically don’t matter. My needs are nothing compared to other people’s, so how can I help? “Useful” means for them and the greater good. Selfish: Generosity can go too far. Protect the goose that lays the golden eggs. Practice healthy self-respect and self-care that comes from self-worth. Lucid and lasting: Coming from a good state of mind, not angry, hurt, envious, or upset — not even ecstatically happy. It’s smart, and still seems like a good perspective a day or week later when I’m in a different state. Test first: No matter how certain I feel, test an idea in reality. Before deciding, try it. Before buying something big, rent it, more than once. Before quitting, take a break. Healthy: Do the right thing — do what’s wise and good — even if I don’t feel like it. Ask my idealized highest self how to think of this. Long-term: In the big picture of my whole life, this is just a phase. Keep my eyes on the horizon. Short-term discomfort or pain can bring a deeply fulfilling reward. Serve the future. Compensating for bias and prejudice: Correcting a bias, like my example of bowling and frisbee, earlier in this book. Do the opposite of my instincts. If I tend to walk away, I choose to stay. When I notice I’m prejudiced against something, I choose to get to know it and appreciate it. These have been the best beliefs for personal growth.

When things aren’t going well, you’re in a bad state of mind. If you ask yourself a healthy question, like “What’s great about this?”, your answer will probably be “Nothing! This is just bad!” Don’t be so sure. Push past that first thought. Keep asking. You can always find something useful. Use what you learned about brainstorming. Don’t stop at the second or third answer. Come up with crazy ideas. Use what you learned from jigsaw puzzles. Start with the edges. Come up with extreme and ridiculous ideas that you’d never actually do, but are good for inspiration and finding the middle. We resist good ideas that require us to change. You think you’re not that kind of person? Not yet, but you can be. Keep all ideas around. You seem to be locked in a jail cell. But if you know there’s actually a secret exit, you’ll look harder, pushing and pulling everything until you find it. You seem to be holding a bag of trash. But if you know there’s actually a diamond inside, you’ll sift through the junk until you find it. Your mind has a lot of trash, and often tells you there’s no way out of your situation — there’s nothing great about this. But if you decide that there is, you’ll keep looking until you find it.

You might say, “I can’t help the way I feel”, as if it’s completely out of your control — as if you have no choice and are unable to feel any other way. But you do have a choice. Think a different way and you’ll feel a different way. You choose your reaction. Not the first one, but the next. There’s a crucial moment in between when something happens and when you actually respond. It’s an important life skill. It’s as simple as this: Something happens. Get past your first emotional reaction. Consider other ways of looking at it. Pick one that feels empowering or useful. It shapes how you feel and what you’ll do. Simple, but not easy. The hardest part was getting past your first reaction. You choose how you think and feel. You choose your meanings. Other people’s judgements, values, and meanings are also inside of you, but you can replace these with your own. If you don’t choose your perspectives then you leave them up to mood, manipulation, or your worst impulses. Control your thoughts or be controlled.

Los Angeles, 1952. Igor Stravinsky, the composer, was 70 years old, and rehearsing the orchestra. A young girl who lived next to the orchestra hall snuck in through the back door to listen to the rehearsals. She watched the violins, cellos, flute, trumpet, clarinet, harp, percussion, and piano. She wondered which one should be her favorite. There were too many options. She needed to pick one. During a break, she got up the courage to ask the maestro. Stravinsky’s friend and writer Robert Craft was there, so that’s why this moment is captured. The young girl went up to Stravinsky and said, “Excuse me. Which of these instruments is the best one?” He was surprised and amused, and took the challenge. He said, “You hear sounds, but I hear life. Every instrument is a philosophy. Every philosophy is an instrument.” She just looked at him, confused, so he continued. “You could pick just one instrument, one philosophy. But wouldn’t it be more interesting to play them all?” The girl said, “What?!? Nobody can play them all! How could I?” Stravinsky said, “Let’s say, as a young woman, you go out into the world to meet new people, full of multiculturalism and humanism. You do something daring, filled with optimism. Then you start a family and have time for nothing but pragmatism. You lose a loved one and comfort yourself with stoicism. But it makes no sense, so you’re drawn to existentialism. See? So many instruments!” The girl said, “What if I want to pick just one?” He said, “Most people do pick just one. They think their instrument is the best! Go ask anyone in this orchestra, and they’ll give you indisputable proof why their instrument is better than all others. You’ll never convince that cellist that the clarinet is better, so why try? Just like religions, cultures, and philosophies, right?” There was a long pause. The girl said, “So, which do you think is the best?” Stravinsky smiled and said, “Time.” “Time?” “Time! I can separate the instruments with time. Or I can combine them at the same time. Different instruments for different times in the music. Different philosophies for different times in your life. You can play every instrument, and every philosophy, if you use time, and combine. Time itself is my favorite instrument.” The girl seemed satisfied, and walked back to the balcony to listen again.

I was at a workshop, and right before dinner, the teacher wrote this on the whiteboard: LIFE IS _______ He told us to think about what goes in the blank. He said that after dinner, he’d reveal the meaning of life. At dinner, I was at a table with seven other people, each arguing about what should go in that blank. One said life is learning. One said life is memory, since if you can’t remember your life, it’s like it never happened. One said life is love — the most powerful emotion. One said life is giving. One nouveau Buddhist said life is suffering, repeating his recent lessons. One said life is choice, since our choices shape our life. One said life is time, since life is what we call the time between when we’re born and when we die. Each was arguing that their answer was definitely the right one. I’m usually talkative, but I stayed quiet and just listened. Because there were different valid perspectives, it seemed clear that none of these could be the answer. Then I thought maybe there is no answer — there is no built-in meaning. Maybe life is like a blank canvas for everyone to project their own meaning into. Oh! Maybe that’s why the teacher wrote: “LIFE IS ________”. Maybe that’s not a question! Maybe “________” is the answer. Ooooh that’s good. I like that a lot. After dinner, yeah, my hunch was right — that’s what the teacher intended. He pointed up and asked, “What’s the meaning of this ceiling?” Someone said, “It provides shelter.” Someone else said, “Safety. Structure.” The teacher said, “Those are your meanings. The ceiling itself has no meaning. It’s just a ceiling.” He asked everyone, “What does it mean that you’re here today?” Someone said, “It means I’m trying to improve myself.” Someone else said, “It means I’m committed.” The teacher said, “Those are your meanings. Your presence here today has no inherent meaning.” Then he asked, “So what’s the meaning of life?” This time people’s answers were emphatic, each arguing for their favorite meaning. The teacher said, “Those are your meanings. Life itself has no meaning.” Now people were upset, saying this whole workshop was a scam and they want their money back since they expected an answer. But I like that “_______” answer a lot. Not just for the meaning of life, but for everything. You love travelling. What does it mean? You must be running away from something? You’re privileged? You’re a curious soul, searching for answers? Nah. Nothing has inherent meaning. Whatever meaning you project into it is your own. You were just thinking of your long-lost friend this morning, and then they contacted you for the first time in years. What does it mean? Our psychic connections bind us? Our souls are in sync? The universe is sending out energy waves that we can feel? I mean, if you like that idea, why not? If that makes life feel more special, more magical… If that makes you curious about the unseen forces all around us… If that makes you marvel and wonder, then maybe that meaning works for you. Great. Give that event that meaning. That’s coming from you. Though maybe you need to believe it’s true to feel its magic power. Meanings can help you feel your life is important, with a narrative and purpose. Meanings can help you make peace with events out of your control. Meanings can give you a reason to persist in difficult times. But they’re internal, not external. They’re yours, not others’. Me? I like the “________”. I like the blank canvas. I love that nothing, in itself, has built-in meaning. I love the creative power of choosing my own. Meanings are useful, not true.

In Harry Potter, there’s a magic mirror that reflects the viewer’s desire. What Harry sees in that mirror is very different than what Dumbledore or Ron sees, because their desires are all different. Imagine if there was something similar that shows you what you most need to believe right now. It shows proof to support whatever perspective would most benefit you. Upon seeing it, you instantly believe it, internalize it, and act upon it. Someone feeling sadly disconnected might see proof that they are loved. Someone working hard to create something might see proof that people will like it. Someone with a terminal illness might see proof of an afterlife with loved ones waiting — to feel joy in their final days, and no fear of death. We don’t have to imagine this magic device. We already do this in real life. We find proof to support whatever perspective we need to believe. We don’t have to argue what’s in the magic mirror, which viewpoints are true or not, because everyone needs different beliefs for their different situations.