Finding Mr. Height: The Podcast

Ali is away this week, so this episode goes behind the Patreon paywall. It pulls together four of her favorite Updates segments from the last few months: designing an engagement ring and then getting immediately steamrolled by the wedding algorithm, admitting how much she hates being seen trying hard at something, a heavy week of grief that turned into a lesson about trusting her own resilience, and a therapy session about catastrophizing that lands somewhere she did not expect.Every segment in this episode comes from a past Patreon episode, and here is exactly where to find each one in full. The ring and the wedding algorithm: the April 30 (Episode #224) and June 26 (Episode #231) episodes. Being afraid to be seen trying hard: the August 13 (Episode #238) episode. Grief, and learning to trust her own resilience: the July 9 (Episode #233) episode. The therapy session about catastrophizing: the August 6 episode. All of them are available in full and ad-free at patreon.com/findingmrheight, along with a new bonus episode every week.This week's Media Mentions are a Yahoo Life piece on how the fear of being "cringe" quietly talks people out of trying at all, and a Greater Good report on research finding that we read the very same vulnerable moment as courage in other people and as inadequacy in ourselves.Content warning: this episode includes a segment on a death in the family and grief, with a mention of Ali's father, from 29:00 to 42:00.Ask questions, make a Storytime submission, or give feedback here: https://tinyurl.com/fmhpodqsIf you'd like to hear Ali's personal updates before everyone else as well as exclusive episodes every week, ad-free listening, monthly lives, and more…join FMH on Patreon: www.patreon.com/findingmrheight .Thanks to this week's partners:Bilt Rewards: Take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to joinbilt.com/fmhOur Sponsors:* Check out Kensington Publishing: https://www.kensingtonbooks.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Ali sits down with Amanda Dames, aka The Kink Consultant, a sex and relationship coach and former NYC dominatrix, for a conversation that might surprise you in its relevancy - even if you don’t consider yourself kinky. Amanda reframes kink as something far broader than it sounds, as the two get into naming what you actually want, how to communicate that desire, and the aftercare that keeps both people feeling safe. And throughout, a theme any couple can use: consent and negotiation are a relationship thing, not just a kink thing.This week's Media Mention is a Ynet News piece, "The kink world lets us connect with deep emotions creating a richer sexual experience," on how consensual kink, approached with communication and trust, can deepen emotional connection between partners.In Updates, Ali catches listeners up: she's finally brought on help with her content after doing it all solo, and she's gearing up for a beach week with Skyline's family.Where to find Amanda:Website: https://www.amandadames.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/the_kinkconsultant/Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thekinkconsultant/TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@the_kinkconsultantYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@thekinkconsultantPodcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-kink-consultant/id1766435920Grab Amanda's resources discussed in this episode:Guide for couples with mismatched desire to have more open and honest conversations in a safe framework: https://www.amandadames.com/Speak-Your-Desires-with-Confidence-opt-in-1BDSM Menu for couples who are curious to explore each other's kinks: https://www.amandadames.com/bdsmlistTimestamps: Amanda joins us at around minute 13.Ask questions, make a Storytime submission, or give feedback here: https://tinyurl.com/fmhpodqsIf you'd like to hear Ali’s personal updates before everyone else as well as exclusive episodes every week, ad-free listening, monthly lives, and more…join FMH on Patreon: www.patreon.com/findingmrheight .Thanks to this week’s partners:Bilt Rewards: Take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to joinbilt.com/fmhLosers Part 1 & 2: Check out Kensington Publishing: https://www.kensingtonbooks.comOur Sponsors:* Check out Kensington Publishing: https://www.kensingtonbooks.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Ali is joined by Skyline for part three of the moving-in-together series, and this time he is in the chair to answer for the version Ali told solo in parts one and two. They get into whether a 50/50 split actually feels fair, the CFO and CTO roles they have each fallen into, how they divide the chores nobody wants (yes, the litter trade), what it has really been like merging two independent lives into one apartment, and the cats quietly becoming "ours." They also take two listener questions: what to do when you and your partner keep different bedtimes, and how they landed on their sides of the bed. Plus a ring update: it is finalized, and Skyline confirms a proposal is "in the works." No details, and Ali is keeping herself in the dark on purpose.This week's Media Mention: a TikTok from Beeing (@beeing.app) on the "re-entry," the idea that the first few minutes after you walk in the door set the tone for the whole night.But first, the two open mid-crisis. They woke up on recording morning to a leaking HVAC unit and soaked floorboards (briefly mistaken for a Logan incident, though he is otherwise six days pee-free), then recap their first-ever "frolic day," a choose-your-own-adventure day around Brooklyn run entirely by Instagram poll.Ask questions, make a Storytime submission, or give feedback here: https://tinyurl.com/fmhpodqsIf you'd like to hear Ali's personal updates before everyone else as well as exclusive episodes every week, ad-free listening, monthly lives, and more...join FMH on Patreon: www.patreon.com/findingmrheightThanks to this week's partners:Bilt Rewards: Take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to joinbilt.com/fmhLosers Part 1 & 2: Check out Kensington Publishing: https://www.kensingtonbooks.comOur Sponsors:* Check out Kensington Publishing: https://www.kensingtonbooks.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

We're continuing the multi-part moving-in series inspired by listener questions. In part two, Ali gets into the stuff you can't put in a spreadsheet: sharing a space with another person, protecting alone time when you live together, merging two homes' worth of stuff, and picking your battles (except of course when it comes to toilet paper direction). She reflects on what nine months of living with her partner actually taught her, why needing solo time is maintenance for a relationship rather than a rejection of it, and how two people can look at the same room and honestly not see the same mess.And if you want an even deeper dive, this week's AMA on the Patreon answers a listener whose partner pushed back on having the pre-move "ground rules" conversation, and the cohabitation bonus storytimes are up there too, at Patreon.com/findingmrheight.This week there are two Media Mentions: HuffPost's "Why Some Happy Couples Choose To Sleep In Separate Bedrooms" by Kelsey Borresen, on why protecting each person's space and sleep can protect the relationship, and Psychology Today's "When Partners Have Different Levels of Cleanliness" by Marisa T. Cohen, PhD, on why clashing standards of clean are two different thresholds, not a character flaw.Ask questions, make a Storytime submission, or give feedback here: https://tinyurl.com/fmhpodqsIf you'd like to hear Ali’s personal updates before everyone else as well as exclusive episodes every week, ad-free listening, monthly lives, and more…join FMH on Patreon: www.patreon.com/findingmrheight .Thanks to this week’s partners:Bilt Rewards: Take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to joinbilt.com/fmhLosers Part 1 & 2: Check out Kensington Publishing: https://www.kensingtonbooks.comOur Sponsors:* Check out Kensington Publishing: https://www.kensingtonbooks.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Esin Pinarli, a psychotherapist with 18 years of experience, joins Ali to talk about people-pleasing, attachment, and what she calls modern codependency. Esin breaks down the unspoken childhood contracts we sign without realizing it, and how codependency shows up today in high-achieving, self-sufficient women who would never picture themselves as the "lost yourself in a relationship" type. The conversation also includes a refresher on the four attachment styles and the wheel of attachment, the anxious-avoidant dance, deactivating strategies, and how you actually earn your security over time through small, repeated choices.In Updates, Ali survives a brutal New York heat wave and starts a new running list with Skyline: bars that have way better food than they deserve to have, kicking things off with Abe's Pagoda in Bushwick.This week's Media Mention is creator Sam Showalter (@thesam_show on TikTok), whose series on decentering her husband tied in perfectly to the conversation about modern codependency.Sam’s video Ali mentionsWhere to find Esin: On Instagram @esinpinarli_lcsw and at www.eternalwellnesscounseling.com.Timestamps: Esin joins us at around minute 17.Ask questions, make a Storytime submission, or give feedback here: https://tinyurl.com/fmhpodqsIf you'd like to hear Ali’s personal updates before everyone else as well as exclusive episodes every week, ad-free listening, monthly lives, and more…join FMH on Patreon: www.patreon.com/findingmrheight .Thanks to this week’s partners:Bilt Rewards: Take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to joinbilt.com/fmhLosers Part 1 & 2: Check out Kensington Publishing: https://www.kensingtonbooks.comOur Sponsors:* Check out Kensington Publishing: https://www.kensingtonbooks.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Ali answers five listener questions that all share a common thread: the gap between wanting something and being able to follow through. A first-time manager grappling with imposter syndrome, a single mom navigating kid disclosure on the apps, someone processing timeline anxiety after leaving a relationship, a dater hitting a wall with the performance exhaustion of first dates, and someone three weeks deep in a texting situation who can't figure out how to suggest meeting up.Patreon episode on being a good managerIn Updates, Ali shares a recent impromptu date night that encapsulated what she loves about NYC - and then got reinforced at a Jimmy Eat World with an epic city background. Plus, a girls weekend is in full effect and ring shopping has come to a close!This week's Media Mention is: "Survey Data Show We're Now in a Dating Recession" from Psychology Today, by Dr. Theresa DiDonato, which found that most young adults want relationships but aren't dating, citing low confidence, app disillusionment, and fear of rejection as the biggest barriers.Ask questions, make a Storytime submission, or give feedback here: https://tinyurl.com/fmhpodqsIf you'd like to hear Ali’s personal updates before everyone else as well as exclusive episodes every week, ad-free listening, monthly lives, and more…join FMH on Patreon: www.patreon.com/findingmrheight .Thanks to this week’s partners:Losers Part 1 & 2: Check out Kensington Publishing: https://www.kensingtonbooks.comBilt Rewards: Take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to joinbilt.com/fmhOur Sponsors:* Check out Kensington Publishing: https://www.kensingtonbooks.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

TW: This episode contains a brief discussion of cancer and loss. If you want to skip it, the guest segment begins at approximately minute 13.Brooke Janousek, founder of Someone You Should Meet, joins Ali to make the case for letting the people who know you best do the talking. Brooke and Ali dig into why apps fail to capture who people actually are, the courage gap between professional and personal life, and what inspired Brooke to start hosting in-person dating events (hint: it was attending a lackluster one herself). The two also chat about what it’s like to finally walk away from a situationship that isn’t working, and how that comes back to the frustrations of dating overall.But first, Ali shares how a personal health scare had her reflecting on how losing her dad to cancer impacts her relationship with her health today (particularly as it was happening on his birthday). This week's Media Mention is: "The Terror of Survivorship" from Laura Behnke's Substack, which dives into that very theme.Where to find Brooke: On Instagram @someoneyoushouldmeet, on TikTok @sysmofficial, at www.someoneyoushouldmeet.com.Timestamps: Brooke joins us at around minute 13.Ask questions, make a Storytime submission, or give feedback here: https://tinyurl.com/fmhpodqsIf you'd like to hear Ali’s personal updates before everyone else as well as exclusive episodes every week, ad-free listening, monthly lives, and more…join FMH on Patreon: www.patreon.com/findingmrheight .Thanks to this week’s partners:Bilt Rewards: Take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to joinbilt.com/fmhOur Sponsors:* Check out Kensington Publishing: https://www.kensingtonbooks.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

This week, Ali sits down with Sarah Vacchiano, author of Soft Launch, who got married at 21, divorced at 27, and moved to New York City to start over from scratch. Sarah shares what it felt like to leave a marriage that looked fine on the outside, how she navigated a world she’d skipped the entry points to, and what it took to finally build an identity that was genuinely hers. She remarried at 37, and the conversation gets into what was fundamentally different about love on the other side of all that work.This week’s Media Mention is Bumble’s announcement that they are scrapping the swipe and dropping the women-message-first rule. CEO Whitney Wolfe Herd calls what’s coming “revolutionary” but has yet to say exactly what it is (though Ali has a guess).Where to find Sarah: On Instagram @sarahmvacchiano and at www.sarahvacchiano.com.Grab Sarah's Book "Soft Launch" here: https://www.sarahvacchiano.com/Timestamps: Sarah joins us at around minute 13.Ask questions, make a Storytime submission, or give feedback here: https://tinyurl.com/fmhpodqsIf you'd like to hear Ali’s personal updates before everyone else as well as exclusive episodes every week, ad-free listening, monthly lives, and more…join FMH on Patreon: www.patreon.com/findingmrheight .Thanks to this week’s partners:Bilt Rewards: Take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to joinbilt.com/fmhOur Sponsors:* Check out Kensington Publishing: https://www.kensingtonbooks.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Ali and Skyline are celebrating two years together! Together from Italy, they go deep on what two years actually looks like, covering how they handle disagreements, how intentional they've been about the relationship and whether that was by design or just who they are, what they've each learned about themselves through the relationship, and what surprised them most about each other along the way. Plus, listeners ask about their couple identity, the little habits that make each other smile, where things are headed next, and which annoying habits irk each other the most. But first, the two recap highlights and a few hiccups from their trip to Italy, sadly coming to an end!Ask questions, make a Storytime submission, or give feedback here: https://tinyurl.com/fmhpodqsIf you'd like to hear Ali’s personal updates before everyone else as well as exclusive episodes every week, ad-free listening, monthly lives, and more…join FMH on Patreon: www.patreon.com/findingmrheight .Thanks to this week’s partners:Bilt Rewards: Take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to joinbilt.com/fmhOur Sponsors:* Check out Kensington Publishing: https://www.kensingtonbooks.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Jordanne Sculler, licensed therapist, joins Ali to talk about dating burnout from the inside out. Rather than pointing to apps or circumstances as the culprit, Jordanne breaks down the internal patterns that are really driving exhaustion in dating, including the productivity trap of treating dating like a to-do list, people-pleasing and self-abandonment, and what it actually looks like to break a cycle that isn't working. The conversation gets practical with Jordanne's "do something different" framework, and Ali shares her own experience recognizing these patterns in both dating and long-term relationships.In Updates, Ali shares a scam alert after coming dangerously close to being scammed in a two-part scheme. She also recaps a big week of consulting wins, a full-circle alumni event at her school's centennial celebration, and a return to the bar where she met Skyline two years ago.This week's Media Mention is @blussomly on TikTok and Instagram. Her name is Luise, she has a master's in psychology, and her content is built around teaching the psychology behind stoicism in an accessible, applicable way. Her series "stoicism but make it cute" is worth a full deep dive, and the video Ali references, about the gap between expectation and reality and the difference between something being different versus wrong, is pinned to her Instagram.Where to find Jordanne: On Instagram @jordannesculler and at www.jordannescullerlmhc.com.Timestamps: Jordanne joins us at around minute 20.Ask questions, make a Storytime submission, or give feedback here: https://tinyurl.com/fmhpodqsIf you'd like to hear Ali’s personal updates before everyone else as well as exclusive episodes every week, ad-free listening, monthly lives, and more…join FMH on Patreon: www.patreon.com/findingmrheight .Thanks to this week’s partners:Bilt Rewards: Take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to joinbilt.com/fmhOur Sponsors:* Check out Kensington Publishing: https://www.kensingtonbooks.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Amy Chan returns to the pod for an in-person recording with Ali, a conversation spurned from her own deep attachment work. The two chat about Amy’s new book Unsingle, where she leverages her personal experiences to help you identify your recurring patterns in relationships. The two get into why you keep choosing the same person in a different body (and how to actually change that), the mechanics of dating from first swipe to long-term commitment, and what healthy interdependence looks like.In Updates, Ali shares a packed couple of weeks including a Broadway show, an intentionally unplanned weekend with Skyline, and a healing curly hair journey that’s going swimmingly.This week's Media Mention is: "Portfolio Careers Are Meant for Generalists" from On Work by Shaina Anderson (Substack), shared by past guest Miriam Tinney on Instagram.Where to find Amy: On Instagram @missamychan, on TikTok @missamychan, at www.missamychan.com.Pre-Order Amy's book "Unsingle How to Date Smarter and Create Love That Lasts" Here: https://missamychan.com/unsingle/Timestamps: Amy joins us at around minute 24.Ask questions, make a Storytime submission, or give feedback here: https://tinyurl.com/fmhpodqsIf you'd like to hear Ali’s personal updates before everyone else as well as exclusive episodes every week, ad-free listening, monthly lives, and more…join FMH on Patreon: www.patreon.com/findingmrheight .Thanks to this week’s partners:Bilt Rewards: Take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to joinbilt.com/fmhOur Sponsors:* Check out Kensington Publishing: https://www.kensingtonbooks.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Relationship coach and author Meg Tuohey joins Ali to introduce her concept of the HeartPrint, the idea that each of us is as unique as our fingerprints in how we move through the world and relate to others. Meg breaks down why frameworks like attachment styles and love languages, while helpful, can only take us so far, and how real self-knowledge requires a deeper, more individualized kind of attunement. The conversation covers why we're drawn to familiar patterns in dating even when they don't serve us, what it actually looks like to move from awareness to change, and how the walls we've built to protect ourselves can be honored without letting them define our future.In Updates, Ali reflects on a birthday week that started with grief and ended with omakase, and shares what she's been sitting with as she turns 39.This week's Media Mention is The Love Drive podcast, hosted by friend of the pod Shaun Galanos, specifically his March 17th solo episode, "When Shit Hits the Fan." Trigger warning: Ali shares a personal experience with sexual assault at 49:00 - 55:00.Where to find Meg: On Instagram @megtuoheyofficial, on TikTok @megtuoheyofficial, at www.megantuohey.com and on her podcast Wisdom Stripes. Grab Meg's book "HeartPrint: Unlock the Wisdom of You Here: https://megantuohey.com/megan-book-heart-print/Timestamps: Meg joins us at around minute 14.Ask questions, make a Storytime submission, or give feedback here: https://tinyurl.com/fmhpodqsIf you'd like to hear Ali’s personal updates before everyone else as well as exclusive episodes every week, ad-free listening, monthly lives, and more…join FMH on Patreon: www.patreon.com/findingmrheight .Thanks to this week’s partners:Armoire: Check out Armoire: https://armoire.style/FMHBilt Rewards: Take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to joinbilt.com/fmhOur Sponsors:* Check out Kensington Publishing: https://www.kensingtonbooks.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Ali sits down with Ilana Dunn, host of Seeing Other People, for a conversation about the dating advice they both either ignored in the past or wish they’d taken sooner. They dig into the patterns that kept them stuck longer than necessary: from ignoring gut feelings and making excuses for bad behavior, to chasing potential over reality and performing chill they never actually felt. Listener submissions are woven throughout, and the conversation gets personal fast: secret relationships, toxic situationships, unreliable narrators, and the moment things finally felt different with the right person.In Updates, Ali reflects on a last-minute girls trip to Miami and shares a media mention - "The Friend Group Fallacy" from The Atlantic - written for anyone who has ever felt left out for not having a tight-knit crew of adult friends.Article linked hereWhere to find Ilana: On Instagram @seeingotherpeople, on TikTok @ilana.dunn, and on her podcast Seeing Other People. Timestamps: Ilana joins us at around minute 24.Ask questions, make a Storytime submission, or give feedback here: https://tinyurl.com/fmhpodqsIf you'd like to hear Ali’s personal updates before everyone else as well as exclusive episodes every week, ad-free listening, monthly lives, and more…join FMH on Patreon: www.patreon.com/findingmrheight .Thanks to this week’s partners:Armoire: Check out Armoire: https://armoire.style/FMHBilt Rewards: Take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to joinbilt.com/fmhOur Sponsors:* Check out Kensington Publishing: https://www.kensingtonbooks.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy