It’s All Your Fault: High Conflict People

High conflict at work rarely announces itself. By the time it becomes a formal HR complaint or a leadership crisis, the patterns were visible much earlier—and the tools most organizations rely on to stay fair often make things worse, not better.Bill Eddy, LCSW, JD, and Megan Hunter, MBA, co-founders of the High Conflict Institute in Scottsdale, Arizona, are joined by Michael Lomax, JD, HCI speaker, trainer, and attorney, for Part 2 of a four-part workplace series. They break down the WEB method for early conflict assessment—Words, Emotions, Behavior—and explain why HR's focus on neutrality and incident-by-incident handling can inadvertently protect the person driving the conflict while penalizing the target.It's All Your Fault is produced by TruStory FM.Full Show Notes & ResourcesSubmit Questions | Bookstore | WebsiteWatch this episode on YouTubeImportant Notice: Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:48) - Assessing Workplace Conflict Early and Accurately (04:53) - Potential Costs of Getting It Wrong (09:13) - Patterns of Behavior (18:56) - Documenting Impact (20:38) - Personality Disorders (21:57) - Reactivity Drives Response (25:29) - Managing Difficult HCPs (31:02) - What to Assess First (35:30) - Wrap Up

In this episode of It's All Your Fault, host Megan Hunter interviews Amanda Smith, LCSW, about her groundbreaking new book on self-compassion and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills for people who have borderline personality disorder traits. The discussion explores how incorporating self-compassion into treatment can enhance recovery and improve outcomes.Understanding Self-Compassion in BPD TreatmentThe conversation delves into how self-compassion serves as a vital but often overlooked component in treating borderline personality disorder traits. Amanda Smith draws on 19 years of clinical experience to explain why traditional confrontational approaches often backfire, while self-compassion can help reduce self-destructive behaviors and improve emotional regulation.Research shows that increased self-compassion correlates with better mental health outcomes, healthier relationships, and reduced anxiety and depression. This episode examines how these findings specifically apply to people working to manage borderline personality disorder traits.Questions We Answer in This EpisodeHow has treatment for borderline personality disorder evolved over the past 20 years?What role does self-compassion play in DBT skills training?How can family members support loved ones who cannot access immediate treatment?When should boundaries and limits be introduced in treatment?How does self-compassion affect recovery outcomes?Key TakeawaysSelf-compassion can serve as a replacement skill for self-destructive behaviorsDBT skills can be learned and practiced by family members to support loved onesTreatment approaches work best when starting with validation before introducing structureRecovery is possible with appropriate evidence-based treatmentEarly intervention, even before age 18, can be beneficial when approached appropriatelyThe episode provides hope and practical guidance for anyone impacted by borderline personality disorder traits, while highlighting the importance of combining clinical skill development with self-compassion practices. Listeners will gain insights into both professional and personal approaches to supporting recovery.Additional ResourcesWatch this episode on YouTube!Expert Publications by Amanda L. SmithThe Self-Compassion Workbook for BPDThe Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness Planner: 365 Days of Healthy Living for Your Body, Mind, and SpiritThe Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner for Families: 52 Weeks of Hope, Inspiration, and Mindful Ideas for Greater Peace and HappinessExpert PublicationsSLIC Solutions for Conflict: Setting Limits & Imposing Consequences in 2 1/2 StepsProfessional & Personal DevelopmentAmanda Smith’s Family DBT courseHCI’s courses:Conflict Influencer® - for co-parents (new classes starting January 2026)Conflict Influencer® - for famlies (new classes starting January 2026)High-Conflict Law Certification - for legal professionalsConnect With UsVisit High Conflict Institute: highconflictinstitute.comSubmit questions for Bill and MeganBrowse our complete collection of books and resources in our online store—available in print and e-book formatsFind these show notes and all past episode notes on our websiteImportant NoticeOur discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (00:46) - Meet Amanda Smith (03:34) - Creating a Life Worth Living (06:03) - Progression Over Time (09:45) - Other Terms (11:54) - Lack of Awareness (13:30) - Addressing with DBT (14:50) - Exceptions and Causes (16:11) - Giving Hope (17:55) - Age Groups (19:51) - When They Can’t Get Into Treatment (24:37) - Boundaries and Limits (28:32) - Amanda’s New Book (31:57) - Compassion for Self (37:11) - Trying the Opposite (41:59) - The Book (43:32) - Wrap Up

Exposure and Public Shaming as Conflict Management Tools: A Critical AnalysisIn this back episode from the High Conflict Institute podcast, Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter tackle a challenging question that many face when dealing with difficult workplace situations: Is exposing someone's problematic behavior an effective strategy for creating change? While the impulse to "name and shame" may feel justified, especially when facing reputation damage or distortion campaigns, the hosts explore why this approach often backfires with high conflict personalities.When dealing with individuals who demonstrate high conflict behavior patterns, the threat of exposure frequently escalates rather than resolves situations. The hosts examine how cluster B personality traits like being domineering, vindictive and intrusive can make public confrontation particularly counterproductive.Key Questions Addressed:Does exposing problematic behavior lead to meaningful change?When might the threat of exposure be strategically useful?How should organizations balance accountability with escalation risks?Core Strategic Insights:Private criticism tends to be more effective than public shamingSkills-based coaching offers better outcomes than humiliationNatural consequences work better than intentional exposureThrough examining both legal precedents and business case studies, the hosts demonstrate why investing in skill development and structured interventions often proves more valuable than reactive exposure strategies. The episode provides concrete examples of more effective approaches, from healthcare settings to corporate environments.Drawing on Harvard research and real-world examples like the Harvey Weinstein case, Bill and Megan illustrate the complex factors organizations must weigh when deciding how to address problematic behavior. They emphasize that while public exposure may occasionally be necessary, it should typically be a last resort after other interventions have been attempted.Additional ResourcesBooks:It's All Your Fault at Work: Managing Narcissists and Other High-Conflict People5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeBIFF at Work: Your Guide to Difficult Workplace CommunicationSLIC Solutions for Conflict: Setting Limits & Imposing Consequences in 2 1/2 StepsArticles:Fire or Keep High-Conflict Employees?Should Employees with High-Conflict Behaviors Be Given a Chance to Change?Professional Development:New Ways Training Programs (workplace, mediation, divorce)Conflict Influencer Class (for personal situations)Custom Training for OrganizationsHigh Conflict Institute Consultation ServicesConnect With Us:Visit High Conflict InstituteSubmit questions for Bill and MeganBrowse our complete collection in our online storeFind all episode notes on our websiteImportant Notice: Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:31) - Exposure and Humiliation as a High-Conflict Strategy (02:21) - Good or Bad Idea? (08:14) - Exposure Doesn't Necessarily Stop Them (11:08) - Good Strategies (14:53) - Get Toxic People Out of Your Life (18:10) - Conversions Through Coaching (19:57) - Thinking It Through (21:29) - Intervention (24:00) - Coming Next Week: Harry, Megan, and the Coronation

Young Adults Navigating Life with High Conflict ParentsIn this classic episode from the archives, Bill and Megan explore why many young adults struggle to launch successfully into independent life, particularly those raised by parents who demonstrate high conflict behaviors. They examine how today's interconnected world, while offering unprecedented opportunities, can also amplify feelings of inadequacy and isolation for young people trying to find their path.The hosts discuss how growing up with a parent who exhibits self-focused personality traits can leave young adults feeling responsible for managing their parent's emotions instead of developing their own identity. This dynamic, combined with intense cultural pressures and weakened community connections, creates unique challenges for today's emerging adults.Key Challenges Addressed:Constant exposure to global crises and negative newsSocial media comparison and online bullyingWeakened family and community support systemsEssential Solutions Explored:Finding healthy mentors and building support networksEngaging in meaningful work or volunteeringAccessing counseling and group therapy resourcesDrawing from their extensive experience, Bill and Megan offer practical strategies for young adults to develop stronger boundaries with high conflict parents while building their own sense of identity and direction. They emphasize the importance of finding healthy connections and support systems outside the family dynamic.This episode provides valuable insights for young adults working to establish independence, as well as parents, mentors and professionals supporting them through this critical transition period. The discussion highlights how proper support and understanding can help transform struggle into growth.Additional ResourcesBooks & Publications:New Ways for Life™ Instructor's GuideNew Ways for Life™ Youth JournalSLIC Solutions for Conflict: Setting Limits & Imposing Consequences in 2 1/2 StepsTraining & Professional Development:Live Lab™ (1:1 coaching for high conflict communication)Individual Consultation ServicesNew Ways for Life TrainingCustom Training for OrganizationsConflict Influencer ClassArticles & Resources:Kids and Self-EsteemAdolescent Mental Health and New Ways for Life SkillsConnect With Us:Visit High Conflict InstituteSubmit questions for Bill and MeganBrowse our complete collection in our online storeImportant Notice: Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (00:35) - State of Floundering Young People (01:37) - Why So Much Floundering? (08:49) - Bullying and Stimulation (12:24) - Parenting (17:29) - When Truly Floundering (19:21) - How Many? (21:45) - Wrap Up (22:02) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Are EAR Statements for All High Conflict Types?