MissPerceived

You ask for help, but nothing happens. Eventually, you stop asking. Or you make a decision “for the family”—only to realize your needs are the ones that keep coming last.In this episode of MissPerceived, Professor Leah Ruppanner unpacks three forms of power in relationships: the obvious power of saying no, the quieter power that stops you from asking, and the invisible power hidden inside decisions that seem fair. Drawing on sociological research and her own work on marital dynamics, Leah explores how everyday negotiations over housework, careers, and family responsibilities can leave one partner doing more while the other gets more say.From the “nag paradox” to the thinking work behind supposedly shared decisions, this episode asks: Are you making choices for both of you—or consistently putting one person first? Leah also explores how partners trade support over time, when those trade-offs become unequal, and how to start making room for your own goals, rest, and ambitions.In this episodeWhy ignoring a request can be an exercise of power.What happens when you stop asking because you already expect a no.How “we decided” can hide one person doing all the planning.Why decisions made “for us” don’t always benefit both partners.Recognizing when to push back and ask for what you need.#MissPerceived #Relationships #RelationshipDynamics #InvisibleLabor #ProfLeahRuppannerFollow Leah: @prof.leahruppanner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Nearly 1 in 4 adults have experienced a period of estrangement from a sibling — and it's more common (and more complicated) than most of us realize. In this episode of MissPerceived, Professor Leah Ruppanner unpacks a new study out of Ohio State University that dug into 39 in-depth interviews to understand why adult siblings go no contact.Leah breaks down the two major forces driving estrangement: parental behavior (favoritism, manipulation, and forcing siblings to "pick sides" after a parent-child conflict) and the sibling relationship itself (destabilizing conduct, safety threats, and childhood bonds that were never really built). She shares personal stories from friends navigating estrangement, explains the concept of family systems and triangulation, and connects all of it back to the mental load — the emotional scanning, relationship repair work, and guilt that estranged (or nearly estranged) families create.If you've ever felt like your family "doesn't understand your world," or you're carrying guilt about a sibling relationship that isn't what it's supposed to be, this episode offers real permission to step back, set boundaries, and stop measuring your worth by an outdated obligation to stay close no matter what.Chapters:00:00 Introduction — sibling estrangement is more common than you think02:54 The data: nearly 1 in 4 adults have been estranged from a sibling05:18 Family systems theory and triangulation07:36 Parental partisanship: favoritism and the "scapegoat" child09:59 When sibling relationships become collateral damage in parent conflict12:21 Why some generations never learned to resolve conflict14:38 Destabilizing conduct, risk containment, and sibling violence18:15 Absent foundations: when childhood bonds were never built20:39 How family estrangement fuels your mental load21:30 Permission to put people on the "periphery" without guilt23:01 Setting boundaries doesn't make you a bad personResources Mentioned:📄 Research: Rin Resnick, Kane Taurus Beltran, and Candace Cretchfield (Ohio State University) on adult sibling estrangement📘 Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More by Professor Leah Ruppanner🧠 Free Mental Load Assessment — Lighten Lab (lightenlab.com)Stay Connected with Leah:Instagram: @prof.leahruppannerInstagram: @lightenlabTikTok: @prof.leahruppannerWebsite: https://www.leahruppanner.comDon't miss an episode! Subscribe now: /@missperceivedpodcastAbout MissPerceived:MissPerceived is a weekly podcast hosted by Professor Leah Ruppanner, sociologist and author of Drained. Each week, Leah breaks down the gender myths and social systems shaping our lives — from mental load and caregiving to work, relationships, and identity. No PhD required. Just come hang out.#MissPerceived #FamilyEstrangement #SiblingRelationships #MentalLoad #Drained #ProfLeahRuppannerFollow Leah: @prof.leahruppanner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Can teaching your kids to notice mess actually lighten your mental load? In this episode of MissPerceived, Professor Leah Ruppanner shares a simple, viral tip from her friend Kate Mangino's Good Housekeeping article that's already resonating with thousands online.The idea is deceptively simple: we're not born noticing mess, disorder, or what needs to be done — we're taught to notice it. Kate's solution? Walk her kids around the house and ask them what they see as a problem. It didn't work perfectly at first, but over time, her children learned to notice what needed doing without being asked — and even started noticing different things at other people's houses, building empathy along the way.Leah connects this to her own research on the "messy house study" and the double standard men and women face around mess — including the surprising finding that men do see the mess just as clearly as women do. The real gap isn't perception, it's the emotional weight of noticing and feeling responsible for fixing it. This short but powerful episode gives you one concrete, doable tool to start redistributing that invisible mental load today.Chapters:00:00 Introduction — a tip from Kate Mangino that went viral01:00 We're not born noticing mess — we're trained to02:22 Teaching kids to notice: what Kate Mangino's family experiment looked like03:00 Why noticing at other people's houses builds empathy03:30 The gender socialization behind who notices what04:44 Leah's own research: men see the mess just as much as women05:30 Why "noticing" is really about emotional labor, not perception06:00 How to try this with your own familyResources Mentioned:📰 Kate Mangino's article in Good Housekeeping on teaching kids to notice housework📘 Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More by Professor Leah Ruppanner🧠 Free Mental Load Assessment — Lighten Lab (lightenlab.com)Stay Connected with Leah:Instagram: @prof.leahruppannerInstagram: @lightenlabTikTok: @prof.leahruppannerWebsite: https://www.leahruppanner.comDon't miss an episode! Subscribe now: /@missperceivedpodcastAbout MissPerceived:MissPerceived is a weekly podcast hosted by Professor Leah Ruppanner, sociologist and author of Drained. Each week, Leah breaks down the gender myths and social systems shaping our lives — from mental load and caregiving to work, relationships, and identity. No PhD required. Just come hang out.As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. This description contains affiliate links.#MissPerceived #MentalLoad #Drained #ProfLeahRuppanner #Parenting #DomesticLaborFollow Leah: @prof.leahruppanner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Leah posted one question on Instagram — "What do you hold to a higher standard in your household than anyone else?" — and got 26,000 views and 200 comments. The answer that came through louder than anything else? The clutter. The piles. The stuff that just sits there while everyone walks past it pretending it doesn't exist. In this episode of MissPerceived, Professor Leah Ruppanner unpacks why household clutter is so emotionally activating, why it's a mental load issue hiding in plain sight, and what the research (and your comments) reveal about who's really responsible for making it disappear.Follow Leah: @prof.leahruppanner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do men actually feel guilt — or does it just look different? In this episode of MissPerceived, Professor Leah Ruppanner dives into one of her most viral Instagram moments and the research that sparked it: the striking difference between how men and women experience guilt in family life. Drawing on Marianne Cooper's landmark studies, Leah unpacks a concept called "upscaling" — why when life gets uncertain, many mothers respond by raising the bar, seeking control, and comparing themselves to others, all of which leads to more guilt, not less. If you've ever felt like you can't stop optimizing, can't lower your standards, and can't stop looking sideways at what other people are doing — this episode is for you.Chapters:00:00 Introduction — guilt, Instagram fame, and a viral post01:00 Do men feel guilt? What the research and the comments say02:18 How men transition guilt into action — and why breadwinner norms neutralize it04:35 Why women don't get the same guilt negation — and why that's a problem05:30 Is guilt even a useful emotion? What it's actually signaling06:54 Marianne Cooper's research: upscaling vs. downscaling under pressure08:00 The optimization trap — why highly educated mothers burn through mental load energy09:16 Three strategies mothers use when upscaling: raise the bar, seek control, compare11:36 Food, motherhood guilt, and the pressure of home-cooked organic meals13:00 Why "solely responsible" became the default — and how we got here14:30 Social media as the ultimate social comparison machine16:09 What Drained says: good is good enough, and social comparison is the thief of joy18:27 Guilt as a signal vs. guilt as a trap — and how to tell the differenceFollow Leah: @prof.leahruppanner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Why does figuring out what's for dinner feel so exhausting — every single night? In this episode of MissPerceived, Professor Leah Ruppanner breaks down exactly why dinner time is one of the biggest mental load pain points she hears about across her research and interviews. Spoiler: it's not just about the food. Dinner time activates all eight mental load types simultaneously — from life organization and safety to magic making and dream building — and it's happening inside a food system that is increasingly broken and putting the pressure squarely on parents to fix it. If dinner feels heavier than it should, this episode explains exactly why.Chapters:00:00 Introduction — why dinner is a mental load disaster02:23 How the eight mental load types map onto dinner time02:40 Mental load type 1: Life organization — do you have everything you need?04:39 Mental load types 2 & 3: Relationship hygiene and emotional support at the table06:58 Mental load type 4: Magic making — when dinner goes gloriously right08:00 Anticipating what could go wrong — and chasing the magic anyway08:30 Mental load type 5: Dream building — dinner as connection time09:14 Mental load types 6 & 7: Safety and food allergies — when the stakes are life or death11:35 Mental load type 8: The broken food system and parental guilt13:51 Why trad wife nostalgia makes sense — and why it's a trap15:00 Lobbying against nutritious food — and why you're left to solve it alone16:05 What to do: share the load, use AI, let the kids cook, let go of control18:25 Is dinner time a doom drain or a magical moment for you?Resources Mentioned:📘 Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More🧠 Free Mental Load Assessment — https://www.lightenlab.comStay Connected with Leah:TikTok: @prof.leahruppannerEmail: [email protected] Leah: @prof.leahruppanner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Have you heard of #Maycember? It's the viral term capturing what parents — especially moms — experience every May: a relentless pile-on of teacher gifts, summer camp signups, end-of-year events, school correspondence on overdrive, and the pressure to make everyone feel celebrated before the school year ends. In this episode of MissPerceived, Professor Leah Ruppanner breaks down why this isn't just a busy season — it's a mental load spike driven by broken systems, eroded safety nets, and a culture that asks individual parents to solve what should be collective problems. If you're feeling overwhelmed right now, this episode will validate exactly why.Follow Leah: @prof.leahruppanner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode of MissPerceived, Leah celebrates that Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More is finally out—and dives into a question readers keep asking her: do some people simply have more bandwidth than others, and is it possible to grow your own capacity without destroying yourself in the process?She explains why she thinks of all the invisible planning, worrying, and coordinating you do as a finite resource, not an endless well, and shares what she’s hearing from new “invisible work” collaboratives she’s convening in London, DC, and beyond. Leah explores why some people seem naturally able to carry more, how age and life stage shape your personal bandwidth, and how you might actually expand your capacity by cutting out pointless drains and getting more efficient at the thinking work that really matters to you and your family. If you’ve ever wondered why you feel tapped out while someone else looks like they’re “handling it all,” this episode offers a new, more compassionate way to understand your limits—and what you can do with the energy you have.Follow Leah: @prof.leahruppanner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.