On Attachment

Modern dating can be tough. Between apps, ghosting, and the uncertainty that often comes with meeting strangers outside our social circles, the whole process can be seriously activating — and all the more so for those with anxious attachment patterns.In this episode, I share three key mindset shifts to help you approach dating from a place of self-worth rather than scarcity, pessimism, or the need to be chosen.When you date from a grounded place, the focus shifts from seeking approval to assessing alignment—and that change alone can transform your experience of dating.In this episode, I cover:Why modern dating can be particularly challenging for people with anxious attachmentThe importance of getting clear on your non-negotiables and deal breakers before you start datingWhy tolerating situationships and ambiguous connections keeps you stuckThe difference between scanning for red flags and looking for green flagsHow fear-based dating advice can increase anxiety and erode self-trustWhy cultivating your own vitality and wellbeing changes the energy you bring to datingHow shifting from “please choose me” to “are we aligned?” creates healthier connectionsWhy it’s sometimes wise to take a break from dating apps if the process feels drainingLinksFree resources on my website hereRead my blog hereFollow me on Instagram here

If you've been putting in the work to heal your anxious attachment but still feel like you're treading water, this episode is for you. In today's episode, I'm sharing what I believe are the three core pillars of healing anxious attachment — and why the sequencing of that work matters just as much as the work itself.Whether you're just starting out or have been on this journey for a while, having a clear roadmap can be genuinely grounding. Lack of effort is rarely the problem for anxiously attached people — it's about making sure that energy is directed where it will have the greatest impact.In this episode, I cover:Why the mindset you bring to this work is the real foundation — and how approaching healing from a place of shame will undermine everything elseUnderstanding your nervous system and building the capacity to self-regulate (hint: it's about much more than crisis management)Identifying and shifting the negative core beliefs and core wounds that shape your relationships — and why real self-worth is built through doing, not just affirmationsCommunication skills, boundary-setting, and voicing your needs — and why starting here without the previous two pillars often falls flatThe common pitfall that keeps so many people stuck, and what to focus on instead🎉 Join the waitlist for the Healing Anxious Attachment 4-Year Anniversary SaleOn March 16, I’ll be celebrating four years since I first launched Healing Anxious Attachment. To mark the occasion, I’m bringing the course back to its original launch price of US$222 for 24 hours only.If you’re curious, add yourself to the waitlist below — the anniversary offer will only be available for 24 hours and only for those on the list. Join the waitlist at stephanierigg.com/haa-anniversary-sale-waitlist

In this episode, we explore one of the most painful dynamics after a breakup: watching your ex seem “fine” while you feel completely unravelled — and the stories that comparison creates. We unpack why anxious and avoidant attachment patterns tend to process breakups so differently, and why those differences don’t mean what you think they mean.We look at how anxious attachment often shows up as hyperactivation — intense grief, rumination, urgency, and the need to understand what happened — and how avoidant attachment tends to deactivate under stress, sometimes resulting in relief, distraction, or moving on quickly. We also talk about the timing mismatch that can occur, where one person feels everything immediately and the other processes more slowly (or more superficially).The core takeaway: different coping strategies are not a measure of love, worth, or who cared more. And comparing your internal experience to their outward presentation will only keep you stuck.In this episode, we cover:Why comparison after a breakup fuels suffering for anxious attachersHow hyperactivation and deactivation shape the breakup experienceWhy relief doesn’t mean they didn’t careThe common “timing mismatch” in anxious–avoidant breakupsHow to shift your focus back to yourself instead of analysing themIf you’re going through a breakup, you can register for my free breakup training here.

Attachment theory has become a widely used framework for understanding relationship patterns — but it’s often misunderstood, overextended, or treated as a complete explanation for human behaviour.In this episode, I revisit the foundations of attachment theory to clarify what attachment is actually designed to explain, what attachment styles describe, and where the limits of the framework are. This is a back-to-basics conversation intended to bring nuance and accuracy to how we use attachment language — especially in romantic relationships.In this episode, I cover:What attachment styles are really describing: relational stress and our habitual responses to itWhy attachment styles are not fixed, mutually exclusive categories — and how spectrums work in practiceHow attachment patterns are contextually responsive and can shift across different relationshipsWhat attachment theory explains — and what it was never meant to explainHow our attachment blueprint shapes our internal working model, even beyond close relationshipsWhy attachment is best used as a tool, not a totalising explanation for yourself or othersIf you’ve ever felt confused, boxed in by attachment labels, or frustrated by how attachment theory is used online, this episode offers a clearer and more grounded way of thinking about it.Take my free attachment quiz

Situationships can feel exciting and full of potential, but over time they often become a source of anxiety, confusion, and self-doubt. In this episode, I explore why situationships are so hard to walk away from — particularly for people with anxious attachment — and why clarity can feel more threatening than staying in something uncertain.We look at how hope, ambiguity, and emotional breadcrumbs keep people invested in connections that aren’t actually meeting their needs, and why “waiting to see what happens” is often a form of self-abandonment rather than patience. I also talk about the nervous-system dynamics at play, and how these situations can keep you stuck in a cycle of overthinking, longing, and self-doubt.This episode isn’t about forcing commitment or issuing ultimatums. It’s about building the self-trust and self-respect required to stop participating in dynamics that keep you in limbo, and learning how to choose relationships that offer consistency, clarity, and emotional safety.LinksRegister for my free training on How to Heal Anxious Attachment & Finally Feel Secure in Life & LoveVisit my website

In this episode, we explore the belief that if someone truly loved you, they would have changed — and why this story so often keeps people stuck in self-blame, rescuing, and self-abandonment. We look at the saviour complex, how it develops, and why real change has far more to do with timing and capacity than with how lovable or devoted you are.In this episode, we cover:Why “if they loved me, they would’ve changed” is such a convincing storyHow the saviour complex shows up in relationshipsThe line between compassion and self-abandonmentWhy people change when they’re ready — not when we love harderIf this resonates, you can register for my free training on healing anxious attachment here.

A secure relationship isn’t one where nothing ever goes wrong — it’s one where the foundation is strong enough to hold the hard stuff. For many people (especially those with anxious attachment), insecurity doesn’t come from being “too sensitive,” but from being in dynamics that lack safety, consistency, or clarity.In this episode, I break down five key qualities that tend to be present in secure relationships, and how they actually feel on a nervous system level.I cover:What emotional safety really looks like (and what it doesn’t)Why trust is about reliability and consistency, not just honestyHow secure couples approach conflict and repair after ruptureWhat it means for a relationship to be a secure base rather than a constant projectWhy shared vision and felt commitment are essential for long-term securityWhether you’re assessing your current relationship, healing after an insecure one, or wanting to understand what you’re moving towards, this episode offers a grounded framework for what relational security is built on — and what helps it endure.Explore my couples course, Secure TogetherFree resources for building secure attachment