Sam's Healing Podcast

If you're in infidelity recovery, you've probably felt this: one partner is trying to avoid pain, the other is trying to get to the truth — and somehow both people end up feeling more hurt, more afraid, and more alone. The betrayed partner wants honesty, safety, and clarity. The unfaithful partner may want to tell the truth, but feels terrified that every new piece of honesty will only create more damage. So the truth gets managed, softened, delayed, or withheld. The intention may be to prevent pain, but the result is often the opposite: more confusion, more injury, and more distance. This is one of the hardest patterns to break after betrayal. My great friend and therapist Michael Webb explains how the fear of pain can turn into more pain. When either partner begins trying to control the outcome of a conversation, avoid vulnerability, or protect themselves from what they fear might happen next, the relationship can quickly become trapped in psychological games. The betrayed partner may sense that something still feels incomplete. They may push harder, ask again, or try to force clarity because their nervous system is desperate for safety. The unfaithful partner may feel overwhelmed, ashamed, or afraid that telling more truth will only hurt their spouse more. So they pull back, minimize, go quiet, or tell only part of the story. Round and round it goes. Neither partner feels safe. The betrayed feels like the truth is still being protected. The unfaithful feels like no amount of honesty will ever be enough. Both partners can start reacting from fear instead of from the adult, grounded place that real repair requires. This episode is not about excusing betrayal or blaming the betrayed partner for needing answers. It is about naming the pattern clearly so both people can begin to see what is actually happening underneath the surface. Michael and I talk about why honesty can feel dangerous, why vulnerability feels so threatening after infidelity, and why avoiding pain almost always creates more pain later. We also talk about the importance of telling the truth, stopping the psychological games, and learning how to enter difficult conversations with more awareness, ownership, and courage. The way out starts with recognizing the fear. Am I protecting myself? Am I trying to control the outcome? Am I avoiding the whole truth? Am I afraid of experiencing pain? Am I giving in to that fear? When those questions are answered honestly, the dynamic can begin to shift. The betrayed partner can stop carrying the burden of pulling truth out piece by piece. The unfaithful partner can begin taking responsibility for truth, ownership, and repair without waiting to be forced into it. Both partners can begin meeting each other more honestly again. In this episode, we break down how fear operates after betrayal, why truth is necessary for healing, and what both partners can do to stop letting the fear of pain create even more pain. There is hope...... Samuel Instagram: @samuel_healing samshealingpodcast.com

Today you'll meet Melissa Elguera and take part in a grounded conversation about what it actually takes for a betrayed partner to find stability and a sense of empowerment after the shock of infidelity. We'll gently unpack the chaos that follows discovery day—when sleep, appetite, and basic daily functioning can feel impossible—and begin to outline a path that is both compassionate and concrete. Drawing from Melissa's deep background in trauma, somatic experiencing, and attachment work, the episode offers betrayed partners language for what they're feeling in their bodies, and practical steps for reclaiming safety, dignity, and a sense of self. You'll be introduced to Melissa not just as a coach, but as a guide who understands trauma at the nervous‑system level. She is a trauma and somatic experiencing coach, a supervisor for character formation coaching, and a master‑certified life and relationship coach who founded Whole Heart Transformation and Identity Life Coaching. Her work weaves together the latest brain science, attachment theory, and embodied processing, helping people see not only what they are doing but why they react the way they do after betrayal. Throughout the episode, that blend of science and soul shows up in practical, kind explanations that normalize freeze responses, panic, hyper‑vigilance, and shame as understandable survival patterns rather than personal failures. A major theme in today's conversation is identity—how betrayal can shatter a person's sense of "Who am I now?" and "Can I ever trust my own judgment again?" Melissa describes how unresolved pain, attachment wounds, and shame often sit underneath both the betrayal and the betrayed partner's current reactions, and how bringing curiosity instead of self‑criticism to those deeper layers can be the beginning of real empowerment. We'll explore what stability looks like in very small, accessible steps: grounding in the body, naming reality, building a support system that truly "gets" betrayal trauma, and starting to set boundaries that protect the betrayed partner's nervous system. Another key thread is community. We discuss the Whole Heart Transformation Community, a process‑oriented space where individuals and couples do the deeper work of repair, integration, and rebuilding trust in the presence of others who understand betrayal trauma. Melissa shares how healing rarely happens in isolation, and how her husband's role as a coach within the community gives men and couples a place to be challenged and supported at the same time. Together, you underline that empowerment is not about "toughening up" but about moving out of survival patterns and into more secure, connected relationships—with oneself first, and then with others. The tone of the episode is direct but deeply kind. As usual, we won't minimize the devastation of betrayal; instead, we validate it while offering listeners the reassurance that their bodies and brains are not broken—they're responding to trauma. By the end, betrayed partners walk away with a clearer understanding of what stability and empowerment can look like in real life, and concrete next steps they can take—whether that's seeking trauma‑informed support, exploring Melissa's programs, or simply learning to listen to their own needs with more compassion. Remember, you can heal and you can find new life. To Work with or Find Out More About Melissa Elguera and her services please go here: @identity.life.coach Whole Heart Transformation To Healing, Sam samshealingpodcast@gmail.com Melissa Elguera @identity.life.coach

Have you ever wondered if you or your partner was truly a sex addict? Perhaps you're wondering if you or your partner are maybe dealing with sexual compulsivity? What in fact is this 'sexual compulsivity?' Today you'll meet Dr. Matthew Hedelius Psy. D., LCSW, CSAT-S who has been a regular guest on the podcast over the years and is the Director of Paradise Creek Recovery Center. Dr. Matthew Hedelius earned a B.S. degree in Family Sciences, a Masters Degree in Clinical Social Work and a Doctor of Psychology Degree. He has provided treatment for both men and women who are suffering from trauma and problematic sexual behaviors for over 26 years. He utilizes principles of neuroscience and interpersonal neurobiology to help individuals achieve the healing they are capable of. He has specialized training in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. To Healing, Sam samshealingpodcast@gmail.com

On today's episode of "Moving from Not It to Got It," Sam takes listeners on an honest journey through the pivotal moment when an unfaithful spouse chooses to stop deflecting and starts owning their actions. The episode opens by breaking down the psychological reality of the "Not It" phase—where self-protection, avoidance, and justification keep an individual stuck, unable to truly connect with their partner or heal the damage from infidelity. The reality is, "Not It" causes a significant amount of collateral damage including but certainly not limited to: blocking all forward progress minimizing and justifying the affair(s) blame shifting subconsciously expecting the betrayed partner to handhold the unfaithful into the most basic recovery work The heart of today's episode centers on what it takes to shift from "Not It" to "Got It" not only earning self respect but simultaneously the respect of the betrayed partner. This means facing the hard truths head-on and making the conscious choice to drop the defenses and problematic patterns which may have created the acting out in the first place. The transformation can be palpable: when an unfaithful spouse authentically claims responsibility, they lay the foundation for rebuilding trust, self-respect, and hope for their relationship. Note: This episode is educational, not therapy. Please reach out for professional guidance at AskTheUnfaithful@gmail.com to learn more about coaching or intensive options. To Healing, Sam

When infidelity or addiction has shaken a relationship, couples often turn to coaching or therapy for healing. These tools are designed to help people rebuild trust, understand pain, and create healthier patterns. At their best, they provide safety, empathy, and clarity. But when the language and frameworks of therapy or coaching are misused, they can become weapons. Instead of supporting healing, they deepen wounds, reinforce blame, and prevent genuine repair. After cheating or addiction, emotions are raw. One partner may grasp at therapy concepts to regain control or avoid accountability. Common misuses include: Pathologizing: Labeling the hurt partner as "codependent" or "trauma-bonded" instead of acknowledging their pain. Playing therapist: Acting like the "expert" in recovery rather than an equal participant. Gaslighting with therapy-speak: Saying, "This is just your trauma—it's not about me," to minimize betrayal. Misusing boundaries: Declaring boundaries as a way to dodge hard conversations, e.g., "I won't discuss the affair again—it's crossing my boundary." Exploiting disclosures: Using what a spouse revealed in therapy (such as past wounds) as ammunition during conflict. These tactics shift focus away from accountability and silence the betrayed partner's voice, halting healing before it can even begin. Infidelity and addiction often leave the offending partner flooded with guilt and shame, and the hurt partner overwhelmed by anger and grief. In this fragile space, weaponizing therapy language can become a defense mechanism. The unfaithful spouse may use it to deflect responsibility. The betrayed spouse may use it to label and control. Both can misuse "healing" jargon as armor against vulnerability. When therapy language is weaponized in recovery: Trust erodes further—the betrayed partner may feel manipulated or dismissed instead of heard. Shame deepens—labels like "damaged goods" or "triggered" or "once a cheater always a cheater" can compound existing pain and keep couples stuck. Repair stalls—genuine accountability and empathy get replaced by analysis and argument. Emotional safety collapses—the relationship becomes a battleground of diagnoses rather than a place for healing. What couples need most after betrayal is compassion and honesty, not one-sided, weaponized expertise. Therapy and coaching can be transformative in recovering from cheating or addiction—but only when used with humility. Healthier approaches include: Speaking from feelings: "I feel hurt and unsafe," rather than diagnosing a partner's reactions. Taking responsibility: The betraying partner owning their actions without hiding behind jargon. Seeking mutual support: Using therapy to create shared language, not to score points. Protecting vulnerability: Ensuring that disclosures in therapy remain safe, never weaponized. In this context, therapeutic tools become bridges to understanding instead of barriers. Couples healing from infidelity or addiction can protect their recovery by: Agreeing that therapy insights are for healing, not for argument. Practicing humility—both partners are learners, not experts, in the process. Honoring disclosures—treating shared vulnerabilities as sacred. Focusing on accountability and empathy over diagnosis or control. Working with a neutral guide—a therapist or coach who holds space fairly for both sides. Infidelity and addiction test relationships at their core. Coaching and therapy can provide the tools to rebuild, but only if used with care. When weaponized, they become tools of avoidance and control, keeping wounds open. When applied with honesty, humility, and empathy, they foster the safety needed for real healing. True recovery comes not from labeling or diagnosing, but from the hard work of accountability, compassion, and rebuilding trust—together. To Healing..... Sam samshealingpodcast@gmail.com ------ Sam's Healing Podcast is brought to you by one of infidelity recovery's most prominent and gifted influencers and YouTuber. For 15 years, Samuel has been online as one of the the leading spokespersons for healing and recovery of both betrayed and unfaithful spouses. After more than a decade of blogging and filming under one of the betrayal trauma's founding fathers, famed clinician Rick Reynolds of affairrecovery.com, Sam has ventured out to pursue, create and live out his lifelong vision and passion for healing those touched by the trauma of infidelity. Through his new podcast and YouTube channel Samuel will continue to bring his own personal experiences with infidelity recovery along with delivering the most current and up-to-date clinical wisdom and healing modalities for recovery after an affair. Sam will also be expanding into the other critical areas of developing healthy relationships such as emotional and sexual connection, the impact of childhood sexual abuse and dysfunctional patterns of relating on marital intimacy, problematic communication patterns, complex, attachment and intergenerational trauma, compulsive sexual behavior, boundaries and the importance of inner-child healing work. Reach out to contact Samuel for personal coaching sessions at samshealingpodcast@gmail.com.

Have you ever wondered what goes through the mind of an unfaithful when they are about to lose everything? Have you considered that maybe, just maybe there are those who sober up, realize what they are about to lose and actually do recovery work? Today you'll hear from Ryan again, a former unfaithful who shares more of his compelling journey to healing as an unfaithful spouse who finally GOT IT. He's no rock star. He's no superman or super human. He's simply one of so many who have chosen to do the work and do whatever it takes to save his family. Maybe he is special? Maybe he chose to bottom out, hit rock bottom and listen to the many voices of healing, confrontation and sobriety that were placed in his life? Today you'll hear more about how he was on the verge of losing all that he cherished and all that he held dear.... I don't know where you're at or what you're facing as an unfaithful or betrayed. What I do know is that there is hope for YOU and your own recovery and I hope you'll listen to another courageous soul who chose to do the work. To Courage and to Healing.... Sam ------ Sam's Healing Podcast is brought to you by one of infidelity recovery's most prominent and gifted influencers and YouTuber. For 15 years, Samuel has been online as one of the the leading spokespersons for healing and recovery of both betrayed and unfaithful spouses. After more than a decade of blogging and filming under one of the betrayal trauma's founding fathers, famed clinician Rick Reynolds of affairrecovery.com, Sam has ventured out to pursue, create and live out his lifelong vision and passion for healing those touched by the trauma of infidelity. Through his new podcast and YouTube channel Samuel will continue to bring his own personal experiences with infidelity recovery along with delivering the most current and up-to-date clinical wisdom and healing modalities for recovery after an affair. Sam will also be expanding into the other critical areas of developing healthy relationships such as emotional and sexual connection, the impact of childhood sexual abuse and dysfunctional patterns of relating on marital intimacy, problematic communication patterns, complex, attachment and intergenerational trauma, compulsive sexual behavior, boundaries and the importance of inner-child healing work. Reach out to contact Samuel for personal coaching sessions at samshealingpodcast@gmail.com.

Today's episode is a story that begins where most love stories unravel: with a lie. Actually… with many lies. Our guest today is a great friend of mine and was also unfaithful to his wife. But the cheating, while devastating, was only part of the story. What nearly destroyed everything wasn't just the act—it was the lies that followed. The deception. The pretending. The carefully managed version of the truth, told piece by piece, always leaving something out and or 'trickle truthing'. And every time he lied—whether to cover his tracks, avoid a hard conversation, or protect himself from shame—he pulled their marriage further into the abyss. Lying became a pattern. A habit. A way of surviving. He was in survival mode....while his wife was also in survival mode, not knowing what was truth and what was a lie. But what happens when the lies stop working? At some point, they did. And he found himself at a crossroads: keep living in the lie and slowly lose everything that mattered—or come clean. Not just about the affair, but about the man he had become. The fears he hid. The ways he had failed. The ways he had justified it all. And so, finally, he told the truth. It was ugly. It was painful. It didn't make anything easier in the short term. In fact, telling the full truth almost shattered what little was left of their trust. But it was real. And for the first time in a long time, so was he. This episode isn't about excusing infidelity. It's about owning it. It's about the brutal but beautiful process of rebuilding not just a marriage—but a life—from the inside out. It's about an unfaithful that actually DID CHOOSE TO DO THE WORK and is continuing to do it. Today, years later, this man is still married to the woman he betrayed. Not because it was easy. Not because she forgot. But because they both chose to walk through fire—together. He made the courageous decision to stay, to change, to show up with radical honesty every single day since. And now? Their marriage is real. It's honest. And it's alive in a way it never was before. So if you've ever struggled with truth, if you've ever hidden behind lies you thought would protect you—this episode is for you. If you've ever wondered whether a relationship can survive betrayal, if trust can ever truly be rebuilt—this story is proof that while the damage may run deep, healing is possible. This is about choosing truth, even when it costs everything. This is about doing the work, staying when it's hard, and learning how to love honestly—even after breaking someone's heart and becoming something and someone you're embarrassed by. People heal. Couples heal. Unfaithful spouses do the work. To Healing, Sam ------ Sam's Healing Podcast is brought to you by one of infidelity recovery's most prominent and gifted influencers and YouTuber. For 15 years, Samuel has been online as one of the the leading spokespersons for healing and recovery of both betrayed and unfaithful spouses. After more than a decade of blogging and filming under one of the betrayal trauma's founding fathers, famed clinician Rick Reynolds of affairrecovery.com, Sam has ventured out to pursue, create and live out his lifelong vision and passion for healing those touched by the trauma of infidelity. Through his new podcast and YouTube channel Samuel will continue to bring his own personal experiences with infidelity recovery along with delivering the most current and up-to-date clinical wisdom and healing modalities for recovery after an affair. Sam will also be expanding into the other critical areas of developing healthy relationships such as emotional and sexual connection, the impact of childhood sexual abuse and dysfunctional patterns of relating on marital intimacy, problematic communication patterns, complex, attachment and intergenerational trauma, compulsive sexual behavior, boundaries and the importance of inner-child healing work. Reach out to contact Samuel for personal coaching sessions at samshealingpodcast@gmail.com.

Continuing the series on "Psychological Games Couples Play," Michael Webb and I discuss another game within the realm of Psychological Games. This game is not only deep but usually ingrained within the communication style of one or both parties. It's called "I've Got You Now...." It's one of the most insidious games couples fall into subconsciously as they seek to heal from infidelity and betrayal trauma. While able to be overcome and eventually diffused, it requires a deeper journey into the mind and trauma, of the unfaithful and betrayed. Couples who are dealing with this game often times feel as though they are being set up by their partner. It can feel as though their partner is creating what we call a 'double bind' all in an attempt to prove a point that can scorch the earth of the argument. Couples who struggle with this game are not on thin ice, but they do find themselves looking for any sort of way out of the quick sand and today Michael Webb shares exactly that. Ever find yourself in the same frustrating argument with someone, especially your spouse— even though it starts off innocent and you swear this time it'll go differently? But somehow, it spirals into a familiar mess? Psychological games are repetitive patterns of hidden communication people play with each other, often unconsciously. They seem harmless on the surface, but they end with someone feeling hurt, guilty, or angry — just like before. These games follow a pattern: A hidden motive or unspoken message A predictable sequence of interactions A negative payoff (emotional discomfort or conflict) They're not about fun — more like emotional traps that we fall into, often learned in childhood, resulting in confusion, hurt feelings and deep seated resentment. Transactional Analysis, developed by psychiatrist Eric Berne, is a theory of communication and personality. In TA, our interactions are seen as "transactions" between different parts of ourselves: 👶 Child (emotions, creativity, needs, or rebellion) 👨‍👩‍👧 Parent (rules, judgments, values — often inherited from authority figures) 🧑 Adult (rational, in-the-moment decision-making) When people interact, they're often unconsciously switching between these ego states. Games happen when there's a mismatch or hidden motive behind a transaction — for example, someone may act like they want help (Adult to Adult), but are actually seeking to feel victimized (Child to Parent). Today Michael Webb shares how couples subconsciously participate in these games, especially those dealing with infidelity or addiction and highlights a massively toxic game of "I've Got You Now....." ------ Sam's Healing Podcast is brought to you by one of infidelity recovery's most prominent and gifted influencers and YouTuber. For 15 years, Samuel has been online as one of the the leading spokespersons for healing and recovery of both betrayed and unfaithful spouses. After more than a decade of blogging and filming under one of the betrayal trauma's founding fathers, famed clinician Rick Reynolds of affairrecovery.com, Sam has ventured out to pursue, create and live out his lifelong vision and passion for healing those touched by the trauma of infidelity. Through his new podcast and YouTube channel Samuel will continue to bring his own personal experiences with infidelity recovery along with delivering the most current and up-to-date clinical wisdom and healing modalities for recovery after an affair. Sam will also be expanding into the other critical areas of developing healthy relationships such as emotional and sexual connection, the impact of childhood sexual abuse and dysfunctional patterns of relating on marital intimacy, problematic communication patterns, complex, attachment and intergenerational trauma, compulsive sexual behavior, boundaries and the importance of inner-child healing work. Reach out to contact Samuel for personal coaching sessions at samshealingpodcast@gmail.com.