The Reconnection Club Podcast

Parents of estranged adult children often get no response to messages they send. With every lack of response, parents become more and more discouraged. They take their child's silence as continued rejection, and they start to feel powerless. While it's true that adult children often don't respond if they don't like the message, there are other reasons why they might not reply, even if the messages lands well. In this inspiring episode, Tina suggests that getting a response shouldn't be considered the only measure of success. As long as they know their messages are helping to restore the relationship, parents can feel good about what they send. If you're thinking of offering an apology, or if you've sent apologies in the past without apparent effect, make sure you know the elements of an effective apology. (Go to https://reconnectionclub.com/87 for a link to Lesson 1 of the Reconnection Club apology course.) That's just one example of how parents can educate themselves to become confident in what they're sending to their estranged adult children. Make sure everything you send during an estrangement is both heartfelt and on target.

Many parents rejected by an adult child are committed to working toward a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. But they recognize that even if they work very hard and do everything right, reconciliation can take more time than they'd like. Some estranged adult children simply need more time before they're ready to try again. They may be too busy or too anxious right now to take the relationship off the back burner and re-engage. This leaves parents with nothing to do but wait. Or does it? For unwillingly estranged parents, waiting should not be a passive enterprise. If you're waiting to hear from your child, don't waste valuable time. You could be preparing right now for a better outcome in the future. In this episode, Tina explains why parents should spend their "waiting" time constructively and offers specific suggestions for things you can do. You'll be lucky if you have the time to do the recommended homework before your child comes back. If you do, it will make all the difference in a successful reconciliation. Members can discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Check out Tina's book, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child

How can they do this? Is it really okay with them? Are they happy? Research suggests answers to these questions, and Tina shares the information in this informative episode.

Estrangement doesn't happen on a whim. If your adult child has cut ties with you at the moment, he has reasons that make sense to him, and that are probably long-standing. In order for the estrangement to end, those reasons usually need to be addressed and neutralized. Many parents rejected by their adult children are in such a hurry to end the estrangement that they don't take sufficient time to investigate the "why" of what happened. They miss opportunities to understand and correct missteps that led to problems in the first place. Even if they search high and low for the cause of their children's behavior, parents as a group tend to look in the wrong places for the causes of estrangement. In this informative episode, Tina helps parents slow down and focus their efforts where they'll be most fruitful. If you can pinpoint the real cause(s) of your adult child's desire for distance, you can start building a better experience for both of you in the future.

It's common for rejected parents who are unwillingly estranged from an adult child to feel utterly powerless. And that's a horrible feeling in the face of a breach in an important relationship. But there are three specific assumptions parents make that leave them truly powerless. These insidious assumptions are: Your child's estrangement is entirely about something that happened in the past, Someone else is controlling (or has brainwashed) your child, and Your child has a personality disorder that's making him act this way. Each of these assumptions in the parent says, in effect, "This estrangement in entirely beyond my control." Only when parents give up any hope of having a positive impact on their troubled relationship, are they truly powerless to heal estrangement from their adult children. The other episode mentioned on this show was Episode #62, Personality Disorders and Estrangement.

Your adult child, who's always been such an empathetic soul, has ruthlessly cut you off. How can such an empathetic person have no empathy for the parents who raised him? Doesn't he care that he's hurting you? It seems like a mystery. The problem of empathy is that it can't coexist with estrangement. To be empathetic, you have to stop being estranged. But if contact is painful for you, then it's a win-lose situation. Either the parent "wins" because the child is back in contact, or the child "wins" the prize of the distance she desired. In either case, someone loses. Tina explains this painful dilemma in this interesting episode.

When you go in for a vaccination, the nurse might tell you to relax just before he gives you the needle. Obviously, relaxing is not natural in a situation like this. And yet resisting the needle creates tension, and may even make the shot more painful. Resistance is not only futile, it often creates more pain than does acceptance. Thus, acceptance of a painful process can actually make it less painful than resistance. There's a lesson here for parents of estranged adult children. They naturally resist silence, the inherent rejection, and the estrangement itself. Importantly, parents also resist their estranged adult children's versions of the relationship. They defend themselves against unfair or inaccurate depictions of themselves as parents and as people. And while this is natural, it may not be the best response to estrangement. Nor is it the best response to any unwanted situation. In this episode, Tina urges you to embrace the current reality of estrangement from your child, in order to find peace and freedom in an otherwise losing battle with reality. She explains why acceptance doesn't mean giving up. For more on handling estrangement from your adult child, see Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child: Practical Tips and Tools to Heal Your Relationship.

Will your estranged child send you birthday wishes this year? Should you celebrate your child's birthday even though she's not currently speaking to you? How do you survive not only your own birthday without them, but theirs? Estrangement doesn't respect birthdays. In many or perhaps most cases, you'll be disappointed if you expect your child to contact you on your birthday, or answer a text from you on theirs. For tips on whether to send something on your child's birthday, listen to Episode 33. This episode (#59) is all about how to survive the day well, and even have a good and meaningful birthday, while you're estranged. The key is to take responsibility for your own experience, and plan ahead.