You Were Made for This

It's counterintuitive, I know, but delightful conversations are often fueled by the magic of silence interjected at strategic moments. I've got an example of this in today's episode. I'm pretty sure you're going to like this one. It involves a delightful conversation I recently had with a charming four-year -old child. But first, I'm John Certalic, and you are listening to episode 230 of You Were Made for This, the podcast about enriching our lives by reflecting the character, image, and likeness of God in our relationships. It's what we were made for. We were made for this. I'm back It's been five months since you last heard from me in episode 229 entitled "Thankful for Encouraging People." In that episode I mentioned I needed to take a break to catch up on a few things, and that I'd be having shoulder replacement surgery, followed by months of physical therapy. The surgery went well. I can now shake hands with people, type on a keyboard, and warm my coffee up in our microwave. I'm also nearing the end of my tiPT appointments. So it's good to be back behind the microphone talking to you. I'll start with this first episode back by sharing a delightful conversation I had with a four-year-old girl that makes me smile whenever it comes to mind. I'm pretty sure It's going to make you smile, too, as well as remind you of an important listening principle that can help deepen your relationships. A visit from a mom and her two young children This delightful conversation I've mentioned took place when a friend of ours came to our house to spend some girl time with my wife Janet. She came with two of her kids, a toddler, and his four-year-old sister, who I will call Emily. It's not her real name, but I've always liked the sound of Emily. If Janet and I would have had another daughter l would have liked to have named her Emily. It's a perfectly symmetrical name. Three vowels separated by two consonants. And it's such a soft and gentle-sounding name. I happened to be home at the time our mom friend arrived, and I thought it might be helpful if I would entertain the kids so Janet and our young mom friend could chat without distraction. So while Janet and Mom talked away in our dining area, I occupied the kids around a large square coffee table in our living room. We don't have a large house, but it is open, and Mom could see her kids and me in the next room. Unfortunately, it had been years since we last had toys for small children in our house. Our grandkids are now in their 20s and we got rid of the toys we used to have in the house for them. However, we did have a basket full of toys for our cat, Father Patrick O'Malley. Cat toys come in handy I've mentioned Father Patrick before in several episodes, so I won't say anything more about him here. Except that he's a great cat, and that if we ever get another cat, and it's a female, I should like to name her Emily - Sister Emily. Sister Emily Frances to be exact. Anyway, the cat toys did the job in amusing little brother, but Emily grew tired of them pretty quickly. At that point, I remembered one large picture book we had for kids, and got that out and started reading it to her. I got about two-thirds of the way through the book when boredom set in for little Emily. The book just wasn't cutting it for her. Emily tried re-engaging with the cat toys, which were still holding the attention of little brother. But nothing captured her imagination. Emily glanced over at Mom, deep in a meaningful conversation with Janet, and must have realized they weren't going to be leaving for home anytime soon. I sat on our couch watching this cutest little four-year-old trying to solve her boredom problem when she walked over to get closer to me. Looking for a solution to boredom Choosing her words very carefully, and while looking around the room, Emily softly and deliberately asked, "Do you have a TV?" I knew where this conversation was headed, but I became curious to see how we were going to get there. My natural inclination would be to answer her question with something like, "Of course, would you like to watch something on TV? Let me ask your mom first to see if that would be okay with her." But something inside of me said to hold back. Something larger is about to take place. Most four-year olds when they get bored will let you know it in no uncertain terms with their body language. They'll look frustrated, beg Mom to leave, and otherwise whine about their current state. I've seen it hundreds of times, and I know you have, too. But Emily was different. No whining, complaining, or pouting. Instead, she came up with a possible solution to her boredom problem in a way that it would look like it was my idea, rather than hers. Do you have a TV? But instead of grabbing the bait at the end of the line she was throwing me, I did something different. I paused for several moments and simply said, "Yes." That's all I said, and waited for her to respond. After several more moments of silence, this little girl turned her head every way you could turn it, looking for a TV in the room we were in. Not seeing one, she asked a follow-up question. "Where is it?" I began smiling internally, thinking I'm enjoying our lovely little conversation maybe more than I should be. Strategic silence I paused for a few strategic seconds of silence before pointing to a bedroom on the east side of our house that she could not see, and said, "We keep it in a room over there." While eagerly waiting for what she was going to say next. I could see the wheels turning in her mind, crafting a response that would lead to getting what she wanted. After a pause longer than normal, she finally asked me a second follow-up question, "Do you ever watch programs on it?" It was all I could do not to burst out in laughter. But after a few more moments of silence Responded with just two words. "I do." By now I knew it was time to bring this delightful conversation to a close and bite on the bait Emily was using to lure me in. I was about to ask her if she wanted me to find a program for her to watch on our TV when I heard a stirring in the next room. Mom and Janet began standing up from the table, signaling that Emily, Mom , and brother would soon be leaving. Three observations from this delightful conversation First off, I realized you can't rely on cat toys to entertain small children. We are becoming friends with much younger people at our new church and we need to stock up on a few toys for when they visit us with their kids. A second conversation observation is that it's clear to me that Emily has been parented well. While her interaction with me may be in part because of her personality, it seems to me that the relational skills she demonstrated were the product of what she learned from her parents. Partly by instruction, I suspect, but largely by example. Her parents deserve a lot of credit for teaching her how to relate with adults. Especially in this day and age when parenting is so much harder than when Janet and I were raising our kids. So many more challenges than decades ago. Finally, my conversation with Emily would have been much less interesting if I had filled the long pauses in our interaction with words. Silence after my one-word answers to her questions gave her space to think and to ask follow-up questions. As adults, we could all experience deeper, more meaningful conversations if we allowed for periods of silence. It not only creates room for people to ask meaningful follow-up questions, but it also gives people permission to let their thoughts more fully develop. What made this conversation so delightful The world that children like Emily live in certainly has it challenges. But it's not tarnished with what adults face day in and day out. There's an innocence about children that draws adults back to a simpler time when life was less stressful. It's good to savor the beauty of childlike innocence from time to time. It calms the soul. Another thing that was delightful was watching this four-year-old develop relational muscle in solving a problem. In this case, her problem was boredom. But she was too shy to simply ask, "Can I watch something on your TV?" Instead, she asked me a question (do you have a TV?) that she hoped would lead down the path of me coming up with a solution to her problem, all the while thinking it was my idea and not hers. But I didn't make it easy on her. It was wonderful to see how she asked follow-up questions to my one-word answers. Emily was so charming. It brings a smile to my face when I think of our brief interaction. Her parents have been blessed with a rare gem. It will be interesting to see how her inherent people skills grow as she matures. Imagining the future It lifted my spirits to imagine what this four-year-old will be like in another 35-40 years. Her relational intelligence even at this early stage of her life will give her a head start in dealing with the relational encounters she will have in years to come. It also made me think of ways I could get what I wanted by being more charming and winsome like Emily. Advance my idea by creating an environment where someone else thinks it's their idea. Go slower, be more patient with people. Be gentle with them. Yeah, that's what I learned from this four-year-old that morning a few weeks ago. So what does this delightful conversation mean for YOU? The scriptures tell us we are all made in the image and likeness of God. We were made to relate to people in ways that reflect God's character. And one aspect of God's character is that he is sometimes silent in relating to us. Not out of indifference to us, or displeasure with us. No, it's just the opposite. He is sometimes silent to draw out the best in us. To develop our character, to teach us new skills, to help us become the best version of ourselves. And we can do the same thing for other people (even with four-year-old children) when we are strategically silent with them for the same purpose. We were made for this. Closing As we close up shop for today, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to periodically create space for silence in your conversations so the other person you're speaking with can more fully process what's on their mind and heart. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of being the person you were created to be, a person who reflects the character of God by listening well to others. Because after all, You Were Made for This. I'd love to hear your thoughts or reactions to today's episode. Just go to the show notes for today's program at JohnCertalic.com, then scroll down to the end to the "Leave a comment" box. I'd love to hear about any delightful conversations you have with a young child. It will help keep us both young. Finally, remember to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Prior recent episode 229: Thankful for Encouraging People All past and future episodes can be found at JohnCertalic.com

Beauty is more than scenery My wife and I recently returned from a vacation trip to Ireland. We saw the same things people typically see when they visit the Emerald Isle. The museums, the pubs, the walking tours led by local guides. And those sheep; all those sheep. Then, of course, there was the rich beauty of the green rolling hills, and the breathtaking rugged cliffs that border the Atlantic Ocean and Irish Sea. But I also saw a different kind of beauty, the beauty of relationships as people reflected the character and image of God. This is what I will remember most, and what I talk about in today's episode. But first, I'm John Certalic, and you are listening to episode 228 of You Were Made for This, the podcast about finding joy in being the person God created each of us to be. Namely, someone who reflects the character, image, and likeness of God in our relationships. It's what we were made for. We were made for this. When people ask me, "How was your trip?" I can say it was truly awesome. But it was different from the kind of awesome that has become so commonplace these days. It wasn't like the awesome you hear from the high school kid after he finishes taking your order at Chick-fil-A. What was awesome for me was the beauty I saw in several different forms. The first was how spectacular the landscape and scenery were. I couldn't help but think of how pleased God must be with his creation of this island about the size of South Carolina. Anne Lamont would call it "God showing off" when he created Ireland. Showing off in the best sense of the word in talking about ˙is creation. Beauty in Differences Another form of beauty I experienced was how different many things were to what I'm accustomed. Driving on the left side of the road. Very few highways wider than two lanes. People saying" sorry" when they accidentally bump into you on the crowded sidewalks of Dublin and Belfast. No graffiti or homeless people that I could see. And how clean everything was. No garbage or litter. And the sheep. All those sheep. Have I mentioned the sheep yet? So much beauty in people living life very different from me,and thriving in it. There was also the beauty I saw in relationships during our travels through the cities and countryside of Ireland. One stop took us to the Waterford Crystal factory in Cork, and another to Belleek Pottery in Northern Ireland. In both places I was impressed with the artisans who work there. They start an apprenticeship that lasts 5 years, and then after 3 more years they become master artisans in their craft. They spend the work day at benches creating beauty in small decorative items that are shipped around the world. Their relationship to their work in creating beauty is a picture of dedication. Creating beauty from a workbench In both places, many of the employees have worked for decades at the same job. Several grey-haired men, not much younger than me, hunched over their benches with ear buds in their ears, creating intricate details with small tools in their large hands. It made me wonder if they might be listening to this podcast. I don't know if I I could work as a craftsman like they do. I don't have the pertinence I imagine they must have.s="Apple-converted-space"> I also think I would get bored. But I so respect people who work at tedious jobs like this in order to support their families. Men and women who sacrifice loftier goals for the sake of earning a living so their families could achieve their goals. Yet the objects they create are truly beautiful, so there's got to be some satisfaction in this. Many of the pieces were so expensive I picture them becoming family heirlooms to be handed down to future generations. That's got to be rewarding. The man in bib overalls Another form of relationship beauty unfolded in front of me with some of the people in our tour group. My wife and I traveled with two friends of ours, along with 37 strangers on a motor coach all over Ireland for 12 days. One man in our tour group stood out, the guy who wore bib overalls every day, and everywhere. He seemed out of place at first. You cut people slack when they're living out of a suitcase for 12 days as we did. But he wore bib overalls all the time, even at the nice restaurants on our tour. I thought at first he was a farmer, but soon learned that he was a public works employee who just retired from his job in a medium-size town in central Illinois. I don't remember his name, but he was the kindest, gentlest, and most caring person I've run into in a long time. He helped Janet get off our bus on several occasions, and he helped other people as well. He stood in sharp contrast to two other men on the trip who never seemed to stop talking. On and on they talked about their travels, the minor things that went wrong on our tour, and their opinions about everything under the sun. They seemed oblivious to others in their midst. Different from other men on the trip But the man in bib overalls wasn't like this at all. He always smiled and never complained about anything. I recall an interesting conversation he and I had about his snowplowing duties with the city. "I loved plowing snow because I knew it was helping people, helping them get out and around town after a snow storm, " he said. At one of our stops in a small village the bus driver had a problem starting the bus when we were set to leave, and many of us were getting nervous. So the man in bib overalls got out of his seat, walked to the front of the bus, talked to the driver, and then helped him completely push the bus door shut that was ajar, which had kept the bus from starting. Then on at the end of our trip and on our flight home back to Chicago, who should I run into one last time, but the man in bib overalls. I spotted him at the back of the plane somewhere over the Atlantic when I needed to use the restroom. He was standing in the aisle back there, and when he saw I was having difficulty reading the little "vacant" or "occupied" sign in the door, he came over and with a smile on his face, said, "Go ahead, no one is in there." You might be thinking about now, where is the beauty in your encounter with that guy in bib overalls? Beauty in being the person God created each of us to be The beauty starts with how comfortable the man was in his own skin … and his bib overalls. He didn't care about what others thought of his unusual out of out-of-place appearance. He wore what made him feel good, without concern for pleasing others and meeting their standards. Like all of us, he is created in the image and likeness of God. And there is beauty in being the person God made us to be in reflecting his image. We were made for this. Wearing bib overalls is a bit contrarian as it goes against the grain of what society expects. So is God and his son, Jesus. They go against the grain in so many ways. There is beauty in being different, especially when at the same time a person is charming and engaging with people. Sometimes being different comes out as anger or defiance, which certainly does not characterize Jesus. Nor does it describe the man in bib overalls. What better way to be different than to help people off a bus, to enjoy plowing snow because it helps people move around town, and to help people read a small sign on an airplane restroom? Beauty in another relationship I saw beauty in another relationship on our trip watching two widows. One was a retired school teacher who cared for her older sister. Both were widows from the Philadelphia area. I think the older sister was the oldest traveler in our group, and her younger sister was at least 10 years younger than her, if not more. One evening as our tour group ate dinner together, I sat across from the older sister, while on Janet's right sat the younger one. Older Sister asked me about my life and my family, and I did the same with her. I learned about her deceased husband and their children, and also about Younger Sister and her family. I was the only man at our table of six that included Janet and four widows. Later on it struck me that I was feeling a little survivor's guilt, being the only surviving husband at out table. So many widows I know. When will my wife join their ranks? Why them and not me? It's been on my mind lately. Some people you just easily connect with There was just something about these two sisters that I found so appealing. Their kindness, their gentleness, their sense of humor. We could tell they were women of faith. Throughout our trip I saw Younger Sister help Older Sister navigate through groups of people and come to her aid from time to time. There was such beauty in seeing the younger sister care for the older sister like this. They never complained about anything that bothered others.. They were having the time of their lives, enjoying the trip and each other's company. Such beauty in watching them interact. Their parents would be proud of them. There are more examples of the relationship beauty I saw in Ireland, but it would be best done in person over dinner at your house. As I've said before in other episodes, Wednesdays still work best for me, but I'm flexible. So what does all this mean for YOU? So what does all this have to do with you? From my perspective, it has to do with seeing the beauty all around us if we just pay attention and look for it. You certainly don't have to go to Ireland. We will find beauty in all of nature when we acknowledge that God is the creator of everything. Everything. So much of it he created for us to look at and enjoy. He also created each of us to be in relationship with him, and with each other. And when we relate well with each other by reflecting the image and character of God we create beauty ourselves. We were made for this. YOU were made for this. Closing As we close up shop for today, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to notice the beauty in creation, and in relationships. I hope you'll consider how you can create a bit of beauty for you and others to enjoy. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of being the person you were created to be, a person made to reflect the character and image of God Well, that's it for today. I'd love to hear your thoughts or reactions to today's episode. Just go to the show notes for today's program at JohnCertalic.com, then scroll down to the end to the "Leave a comment" box. Finally, remember to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Prior recent episode 227: When Anxious Thoughts Come All past and future episodes can be found at JohnCertalic.com

Labor Day here in the U.S. on the first Monday in September is near the top of my list of favorite holidays. There's a freshness and energy about this time of year I find appealing. But before we launch into fall, there are some end-of-summer conversations I've recently had that I don't want to forget because they add to the richness and energy of autumn. So I'm going to give you only a brief snap shot of some of them because they deserve more reflection than I have time to consider now. I bet you've had some similar end-of-summer conversations you'd like to think more about later this fall. I'm going to give you mine, but I'd like to hear about yours. But first, I'm John Certalic, and you are listening to episode 226 of You Were Made for This, the podcast about finding joy in being the person God created each of us to be. Namely, someone who reflects the character, image, and likeness of God in all our relationships. It's the THIS we were made for. Now here's my list of end-of-summer conversation I want to think more about later. I think each one of them could be a podcast episode in the future. We'll see. End of summer conversation with Meghan First off, we had a missionary couple stay with us recently. I'll call them Harry and Meghan, which may surprise you aren't their real names. During their with us Meghan said she found my blog post from a few weeks ago helpful, "Grief Doesn't Follow the Rules." She forwarded it to a relative who experienced the death of a child, and then to a co-worker whose adult son took his own life. Meghan went on to say that the relative was disappointed in people who did not understand her grief. A counselor told Meghan, "It's not your job to understand her grief. A counselor's job is to help her understand her own grief." And then this related thought that the counselor told Meghan, "Grief is inevitable. Misery is optional." I'm going to be thinking more about these comments. And also, what should we expect from our friends when we ar grieving? More from Meghan Before she and Harry left us, there's one more end-of-summer conversation I had with Meghan that I'll be thinking about for sometime this fall. A friend of hers is in a church that had a weekend conference where the speaker talked extensively about demon possession, and how if believers and followers of Jesus are not careful, demons can possess them. This bothered Meghan's friend so she did quite a bit of research into whether or not demons can actually dwell inside a Jesus follower. She concluded they can't because the spirit of God living within a believer cannot co-exist with a demon. It raises the question does the pastor agree with her or with the conference speaker. If he agrees with the conference speaker that Christians can be demon possessed, she doesn't think she could stay at the church because of this seismic theological difference. Meghan went on to say, "My friend has been going to this church for decades. All her friends are at this church This church is her life. It would be heartbreaking to have to leave." Yikes, the anguish this must cause Meghan's friend. I don't remember where this one came from I heard someone say in an another end-of-summer conversation, "Behavior never lies." This is a really helpful principle in dealing with interpersonal relationships. What a person does reveals more than what they say. This especially true with teenage children. My end-of-summer conversation with Harry Then there's the conversation I had with Harry, Meghan's husband. We told him we have started asking people with tattoos, "tell me the story of your tattoo. What does it mean to you." We've noticed lately that wait staff in restaurants often have tattoos. Harry is a leader within his mission organization and he mentioned that in a staff meeting he said that everyone has a story. I'm sure you've heard this before. But then he added, "We honor someone when we ask them to tell their story." The word "honor" just jumped out me. I'm going to be thinking more about this. People with a difficult past We then started talking about people who don't want to share their story. Who don't want you to know about them. Why is that? If we honor people when we ask them to tell us their story, why do some people run the other way? One possibility, and this is just a guess, is that some people feel shame over their past, even if what happened to them was out of their control. So they play it close to the vest with people, and rarely disclose much about themself. This reminded me of my friend Dan who grew up in a very abusive home as a a child. Some people who had similar childhoods will carry this around with them the rest of their life and define themselves in terms of the terrible things that happened to them. But for Dan, he says, "All the bad stuff that happened to me in childhood is certainly part of my story. But it is not an active part. I prefer to focus on the active part of my story." So what about you? Enough about me. I wonder what end-of-summer conversations you've had that will carry you into the fall thinking about them. Were there any thought provoking questions or insightful observations about life? I hope so I'd love to hear from you about them. Closing As we close up shop for today, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to reflect upon meaningful conversations you had with people as summer gives way to fall. Well, that's it for today. I'd love to hear your thoughts or reactions to today's episode. Just go to the show notes for today's program at JohnCertalic.com, then scroll down to the end to the "Leave a comment" box. Finally, remember to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Prior most recent episode 225: A Joy to Be Around Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All All past and future episodes can be found at JohnCertalic.com

I've been reflecting more and more lately about how much God cares about us. When we hurt he hurts. Today's episode is about how God responds to the dark times we go through, and what he models for us in relating to the hurting people in our lives. But before we begin, I'm John Certalic, and you're listening to episode 224 of You Were Made for This, the podcast about the joy of relationships we were made for. Those that reflect the character and image of God in the unique way he made each of us. Today's episode is an example of how this works An unwanted anniversary I've been reading through the Book of Psalms in the Old Testament this summer, and the other day I came across a passage that jumped out at me as if to say, You'll want to pay more attention to this one. It deserves your attention. You're going to want to reflect on this more than normal. Here's the passage, just one verse, Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle You have recorded each one in your book. NLT The first thing I thought of as I read this verse is my friend, Martin. This Friday, two days from now, is the fifth anniversary of the death of his wife, Suzanne. Martin and Suzanne were missionaries, first in China, then in Germany where Martin is from. I got to know both of them when Janet and I served at a missionary conference put on by their sending agency. When they left the mission filled to move to the States to care for Suzanne's mother in Chicago, we got together several times and continued our friendship. It was shocking to get a text from Martin one evening that his his beloved wife, and our friend, had died from a brain aneurysm. She was only 53. I devoted several podcast episodes about the aftermath of this terrible event in Martin's life. You can hear more of the details if you go to the end of the show notes where you'll find links to those episodes. Numbers 071 and 072. An Old Testament example of how God cares For today, though, I can't shake Psalm 56:8 and how it relates to what Martin went through, and continues to go through, because that's how grief works. In the midst of the awful things King David went through, he still had a deep appreciation for God's empathic character. David brings his relationship with God into his circumstances in this verse. Three sentences that all begin with "You." Each "You" is a specific statement of how God is at work in David's life. Each "You" is followed by a distinct and compassionate verb phrase: keeping track of all David's sorrows, collecting all his tears in a bottle, and recording each sorrow in a book. I don't know about you, but when I'm going through a rough patch, I want God to fix things, to put ab end my problems. Instead, we see in in the example of David that he doesn't ask God to fix things for him. Rather, he is content knowing that God is right there with us in the midst of what we're dealing with. He's there not simply as an observer, but as an active and empathetic participant with us. God cares enough to keep tears out of heaven What strikes me most in this passage from Psalms is the bottle in which God stores all of David's tears. This, of course, is poetic and figurative language used to describe God's awareness and understanding of the pain we go through in life. And while the bottle God is using to collect our tears may be overflowing at times, this same bottle is empty once we get to heaven. Revelation 21 tells us there are no tears in heaven. What a comforting thought, this is - God emptying the bottle that contained all the tears we shed on earth. Another element to how God cares There's another point to this verse in Psalms that I find interesting and instructive in relating with the "Martins" in our life. I know you have them, people like Martin who have suffered great loss. It starts with recognizing and reminding ourselves that we are all created with the image and likeness of God backed into each of us. He enables us to manifest his character through the qualities he used to make us the unique person we are so that we can care for people in ways that God cares. What a privilege! For example, in Psalm 56 when David describes God as one who keeps track of our sorrows, collects tears, and records them in a book, there are some clues as to what we can do to help people. These 3 actions of God are all about acknowledging and remembering what people hav gone through or are going through now. And this is something WE can do for people . We can acknowledge and remember what our friends have experienced, even years after the fact. After Suzanne died, I recorded the date of her death in my computer's calendar, and set it to repeat on the same day in years to come. I didn't want to forget the day. I do this for other losses my friends have suffered. It reminds me to contact my friends and let them know I remember them and am thinking about them and what they have lost. Text, phone call, card, email, or even a visit. It almost doesn't matter what form it takes. It's just to connect with them to let them know I haven't forgotten the awful pain they've experienced. There is so much power in the simple act of letting people know you remember. Closing Well that's what I have for you today. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's episode to remember that God's purpose in our lives isn't always to fix things for us. Instead he uses our difficulties to reveal his kindness compassion, and love. And more than this, remember that we can do the same thing for the people in our life going through struggles and loss. Because we were made for this! Now before I go call Martin by the end of the week to let him know I still remember his loss, here's Psalm 56:8 one more time with its wonderful truths about God we can cling to: You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. I'd love to hear your thoughts or reactions to today's episode. Just go to the show notes for today's program at JohnCertalic.com, then scroll down to the end to the "Leave a comment" box. Finally, remember to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 071: How to Help a Grieving Friend 072: What I Learned From a Grieving Friend Most recent prior episode 223: A Christmas in July Story All past and future episodes can be found at JohnCertalic.com

I've come to learn that relating with people through the lens of "I want to hear your story" is a great way to live. It enriches our lives in more ways than you can imagine. I started thinking more deeply about this principle when Janet and I visited William Shakespeare's hometown of Stratford-on-Avon in England. Several years later, during a trip to Savannah, Georgia, I witnessed "I want to hear your story" play out in real-time. And more recently, I saw it demonstrated in a church service, where a 20-something law school student shared a story he experienced. So that's what I have for you today, three examples of what happens when people live with a mindset of "I want to hear your story." But before we get into all this, I'm John Certalic, and you are listening to episode 222 of You Were Made for This, the podcast about finding joy in being the person God created each of us to be. Namely, someone who reflects the character, image, and likeness of God in our relationships. It's the THIS, we were made for. Visiting Shakespeare's hometown It seems like yesterday, but a number of years ago we were visiting friends who ran a missionary care center in England. They lived not far from William Shakespeare's hometown of Stratford-on-Avon. So one day we drove over there, and among the things we saw was the Shakespeare museum. It was quite fascinating. Staffed by people wearing Elizabethan costumes, they were quite skilled in explaining all things Shakespeare-related. At one point, a pair of docents asked the group we were with to call out a scene from one of Shakespeare's plays, and they would reenact it for us. What great fun. We loved it. But for me, the most interesting part of the museum was its entrance. Painted on the wall was a quote from one of Shakespeare's plays, The Tempest. It took up the whole wall and read, I long to hear the story of your life. The wisdom of these words The picture you see on our website for this episode is a photo I took with my phone. The wall dominated the museum entrance. You couldn't escape it. And I can't escape thinking about it. Shakespeare wrote 38 plays and 154 sonnets that are known to us. Given the sheer volume of his work, it boggles my imagination to think of why this brief I long to hear the story of your life quote was selected for the only piece of his writing to appear on the wall leading into the museum. How did the people in charge of the museum decide on this quote rather than many others from his more well-known plays? Hamlet, King Lear, Julius Caesar, Macbeth, Romeo and Juliet, all have great quotes that could have been chosen. But I think the museum directors made an excellent choice. I long to hear the story of your life is such an encouraging thought. It's uplifting and inspiring. It's also so counterintuitive. If you're anything like me, I long to TEll you MY story. Imagine if just 20% of the people you know longed to hear the story of your life? Just 2 out of 10. More importantly, what if I longed to hear the story of YOUR life? One person who does long to hear the story of our life is God. He wants to hear from us. They call it prayer. Our trip to Savannah story The second example of living a I-want-to-hear-your-story life is from another trip we took. This one to Savannah, Georgia. It's one of our favorite places to visit. We love the history and culture there. On one particular occasion, we arrived at the Airbnb we rented in the early evening, and after unpacking, we went looking for a place to eat. We found a restaurant nearby that wasn't very busy. We lucked out with a young, personable waitress, and after we finished placing our order with her, out of nowhere, Janet asked her, "So what's your story?" Janet is normally not that bold with strangers, but something prompted her to strike up a conversation with this young woman, which turned out to be quite interesting. We found out she was a senior at SCAD - the Savannah College of Art and Design. We learned that she is majoring in theater and plans to go to Hollywood when she graduates to look for a job in the film industry. I don't understand how a theatre major at SCAD has anything to do with art and design, but I let that go because we were interested in her, not her college. When people tell you their story you don't have to make sense out of everything they say. What you get from asking someone, "What's your story?" So what did we get out of this conversation? There were a couple of things. First off, it lifted us out of ourselves and the latent stress of travel. Secondly, her story introduced us to a world so removed from our own. It was a conversation with someone from a different stage of life than ours, living in a city and part of the country, so different from our own. Her dreams and aspirations are so different from ours. All these differences combined to expand our world for a brief time and set the stage for a delightful few days of our vacation. Another thing we got out of the conversation was an opportunity to bless someone by asking them to talk about themselves. Who does that these days? We're all so busy talking about ourselves. But it's one way to mirror the character and kindness of God. Church is a good place to ask people about their story I have one last example of the good things that can happen when we let someone know, "I want to hear your story." It happened one Sunday at the church we had been attending. As part of the morning service our small congregation discusses the sermon we just watched streamed to the screen of the hotel meeting room where we held our services. I always enjoyed these discussions and listening to people's reactions and perspectives. On this particular Sunday the sermon was about the Spirit of God working in our lives. During the discussion, someone in our group said that we don't hear many concrete examples of this. And it would be helpful if we did. So a few people shared some examples of God's spirit working in their lives. The following Sunday, the discussion leader asked a 20-something member of our group to tell us the story he shared with him privately after last week's discussion. So this young man, who is a law school student, began telling us his story. One day, a classmate of his was frantic because, for some unknown reason, all his notes for the class they were both taking disappeared from his computer. An exam was coming up, and this fellow student was beside himself with worry. After processing his classmate's predicament, our 20-something church member said to him, "Would you like a copy of my notes? I'd be happy to give them to you." The classmate gratefully accepted. What's most interesting about this story is what the 20-something law student from our church said to us next. "My first reaction was not to help" "My first reaction was NOT to help this guy. Most people don't realize how highly competitive law school is. Everyone is graded on a curve. You can score a 95 on the only exam of the course and still only earn a "B" for the class. So by helping him out I could potentially get a lower grade myself. "But something inside of me told me offering him a copy of my notes was the right thing to do, even if I suffered adverse consequences." What followed was a lively discussion with everyone else in our group about how that "something inside" of our 20-something law student was the Spirit of God. It was such an uplifting and encouraging story. The law student repeated several times, "I really didn't want to share my notes at first." But that is what made his story so encouraging because you know it was God who prompted him to act. And while this is an obvious part of the story, it's less obvious that God was working in the life of the student who lost his notes in the first place. God was at work in his life, too, by coming to his aid through the 20-something guy from our church. Seeing God at work in the lives of other people gives us hope that he can act in our lives as well. All this can come from drawing people out to share their story. What about your story? I'm pretty confident people are not coming up to you saying, "I want to hear your story." We're all just trying to make it through life, dealing with our own challenges, but missing opportunities to bless others by being curious about their lives. But each of us can be the person who does the asking. We can bless others by reflecting the image and likeness of God when we ask people to tell us their story. We were made for this. Closing As we close up shop for today, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to take a risk this week and say to someone, "So what's your story?" For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of being the person you were created to be. Well, that's it for today. I'd love to hear your thoughts or reactions to today's episode. Just go to the show notes for today's program at JohnCertalic.com, then scroll down to the end to the "Leave a comment" box. Finally, remember to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 165: Nosey People Weaken Relationships; Curious People Strengthen Them 152: A Better Thing to Do to Help Others 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Prior recent episode 221: An Act of Kindness Remembered Decades Later All past and future episodes can be found at JohnCertalic.com

Have you noticed how everyone seems to have a podcast these days? Most of them just don't appeal to me. So, in 2018, I created one that does— a podcast I want to listen to and one you'll want to listen to as well. I'm going to give you an example of what I mean shortly. Welcome to Season Nine and episode 220 But first, I'm John Certalic and you are listening to episode 220 of You Were Made for This, a podcast about … well, … stick with me and you'll soon find out soon. It's been quite a number of months since I recorded any new episodes on a regular basis. It's not been for want of anything new to say—no, it's just the opposite. There are so many things I would like to talk to you about. Things like how bandages are so poorly designed these days, the alumni directory I just signed up for…for my grade school. And how come we don't see hitchhikers anymore? Topics like these interest me, but I don't think they'd be a podcast you would want to listen to. So I decided that before I recorded any new episodes, I needed to retool and decide on a clear, distinct focus for moving forward. I needed to spend more time thinking about what the podcast should be about that would make me want to listen to it. Several possibilities excited me at first. But after a few days or weeks, they all lost their luster, and my interest in them waned. Nothing seemed to click. In the meantime, I spent several months writing weekly blog posts for our website, which you can still read. Returning to the beginning Finally, after a lot of indecision,I found myself drawn back to the title of the podcast we came up with back in 2018: "You Were Made for This." I began reflecting more about the title's meaning. Maybe the central unifying theme moving forward was right under my nose in the title. I know that the focus of the first 219 episodes was finding joy in the relationships God intends for us. That's been the focus since 2018— it's the This we are made for. I still think this is a pretty important This. But now I'm feeling the need for a different, yet related and expanded this in a podcast you and I would want to listen to. Especially as I think more about all that this implies. The word this implies a singularity of purpose. It connotes a decree of certainty and confidence. When you hear someone talk about this you know what you're getting. It's also personal, this is. It's honest and authentic. You can't say the same about that. That is an external word. It's impersonal, less connected to any of us. There's an aloofness about that. I don't think I could listen very long to You Were Made for That. It's not a podcast I would want to listen to. It just sounds too cold. Kind of bossy, too. Like my third-grade teacher sternly waving her ruler at me. An important question There's something warm and inviting about this, which is important to me in a podcast I want to listen to. I'm guessing it's important to you, too. But it does raise the question of what is the this we were made for. The answer found in the first 219 episodes is that in some form or other, each show talked about finding joy in our relationship with people, with ourselves with the world we live in, and most importantly, our relationship with God. It's this last relationship I've been drawn toward more closely in recent months. Our relationship with God is the basis for all other meaningful relationships. But considering the many aspects of our relationship with God can seem like water bursting out from a spiritual fire hydrant. The older I get, though, the more I see our relationship with God like a splash pad in our neighborhood park, where, like young children, we run in and out of, sprayed by the overhead sprinklers, cooling us off on a hot summer day. We learn a little about a piece of our relationship with God, then step outside the spiritual splash pad to think and reflect. And then run back in later when we're ready for more. A fundamental truth A podcast I want to listen to would discuss a fundamental truth about our relationship with God that I don't hear talked about much. Namely, that all of us are created in God's image and likeness. Because of this, we are made to reflect his image and likeness in the way we live and interact with each other. We were made for this. I see God as like a diamond, with many different facets that reflect brilliance when the light shines on them all together. Each of us is like one of these facets made to reflect particular characteristics of God. Not all of them, of course, but at least one, probably more. I'd like to listen to a podcast about what this looks like, and I'm guessing you might, too. But I don't want to listen to a "how-to" format. I've grown weary of reading and hearing about "5 steps to do this," or "3 ways to accomplish that". I need a break from lists and directives. Instead, I want to listen to a podcast that shows, rather than tells. A podcast with stories and examples. I'm guessing you may be up for that, too. Okay. Now for that story I mentioned earlier. It's an example of the joy found in reflecting well the character of God. We'll be talking about stories like this in upcoming episodes because that's the kind of podcast I want to listen to, and I bet you do, too. The one I have for you today is from a brief article by Stacey Graham in The Wall Street Journal entitled "My Brother's Hero and a Stranger's Kindness." My Brother's Hero and a Stranger's Kindness "My father, a high school football, basketball, and baseball coach, loved baseball player Willie Mays. He even named one of our cats after his favorite athlete. "Every August throughout the 1960s he would pile my sister and I into the car at 4:30am and drive us from our small town of 1500 in rural Oregon to Candlestick Park in San Fransisco where we would watch the Giants - and the great Willie Mays in his prime - play a Friday night game. The trip of 952 miles took us more than nine hours. We were always so excited. "We had a routine. After the game, we always stayed in the same nearby hotel and ate all our meals at the same diner. We would always head back to the park for the Saturday doubleheader. It was thrilling to see Willie hit home runs in person rather than on our black-and-white TV. "Our younger brother - Fritz - who liked his father loved Willie - didn't join us until he turned 5 and was deemed old enough. If he had been any more excited the first time we brought him along, he might have exploded. "That Saturday morning in 1969, we stopped as usual at the diner for breakfast. Fritz noticed, in a booth near the front door, two gray-haired black men having coffee. My brother, having grown up in a place with no racial diversity, had neverencountered anyone black in person. "Suddenly, Fritz ran screaming toward the unsuspecting customers yelling at the top of his lungs, 'Dad, it's Willie Mays!' "Bless his heart, one of the gentlemen accepted the honor of playing the role of the future hHall of Famer. At Fritz's request, he signed a napkin, 'Willie Mays.'I saw both men smiling and laughing. I think they had as much fun as my brother. "My family will always be grateful for this unforgettably generous gesture. The man could have mater-of-factly told Fritz it was a case of mistaken identity. Instead, he went along with the harmless charade and pretended to be Fritz's hero. "This memory came back to me in full force when Willie Mays died last June at 93 [in 2024]. I remembered the man in the booth at the diner. I cried and said a prayer for both." Why I love this story I just love this story. I love it because of the power of a memory that's over 50 years old that still evokes emotion. It's what I want to see in a podcast I listen to - a story that makes me think and feel something. I love the story because of the people described in it. I found each of them to be inspiring in their own unique way. Is it just me, or can you see or hear from this article how each of the characters reflects one aspect of God's character? I'm eager to share with you what I see in each of them, but it will have to wait until episode 221 next time. Stories like this unfold around us all the time. They are everywhere - people reflecting the image and likeness of God in ways that inspire us to do the same. Closing As we close up shop for today, I'd love to hear your thoughts concerning the type of podcast you would want to listen to. I hope today's show stimulated you to think more about what you are made for. Doing so will help you experience the joy of being the person you were created to be, a person who reflects the character of God. Well, that's it for today. If you're not on our email list and would like to know in advance when new episodes drop, go to JohnCertalic.com/follow and enter your email address and name. Lastly, if you think of it, try spreading a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. It's part of God's character to do so. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 163: What You and I Need Most

Today's episode, #218, brings to a close Season 8 of our You Were Made for This podcast. If you've been listening for any length of time, I hope you've come to appreciate the high value we place on the skill of listening as a way to enrich our lives. As we wrap up Season 8 today, I'm going to share a story that illustrates why it's better to listen than to talk. But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. A housekeeping note - let's stay in touch While there won't be any new podcasts coming your way for awhile, I still want to stay connected with you. Email is the easiest way for me to stay in touch with you. I've got some ideas and projects in mind I want to tell you about, so I'll need your email address to do that. If you already get my Wednesday email, you're good to go. There's nothing more for you to do. But if you're not on my email list and you want to hear from me occasionally, you'll need to sign up for it. Click here or go to johncertalic.com/email to get on my email list. An example from the Bible of how it's better to listen than to talk Alright. Now, for today, I'm going to start by sharing with you an interesting example in the Bible of listening found in the Gospel of Matthew, chapter 17, verses 1-8. It's often referred to the transfiguration of Jesus. Here's the story: 1Six days later Jesus took Peter and the two brothers, James and John, and led them up a high mountain to be alone. 2As the men watched, Jesus' appearance was transformed so that his face shone like the sun, and his clothes became as white as light. 3Suddenly, Moses and Elijah appeared and began talking with Jesus. 4Peter exclaimed, "Lord, it's wonderful for us to be here! If you want, I'll make three shelters as memorials[a]—one for you, one for Moses, and one for Elijah." 5 But even as he spoke, a bright cloud overshadowed them, and a voice from the cloud said, "This is my dearly loved Son, who brings me great joy. Listen to him." 6The disciples were terrified and fell face down on the ground. 7Then Jesus came over and touched them. "Get up," he said. "Don't be afraid." 8And when they looked up, Moses and Elijah were gone, and they saw only Jesus. A few observations The passage is full of references to light. Jesus' face is shone like the sun…His clothes are "as white as light." God speaks from a "bright cloud." Another thing I noticed in this passage is what an unusual circumstance Peter, James, and John find themselves in. Not only does Jesus change his appearance, but we also have him in conversation with Moses and Elijah, two Old Testament figures who died centuries ago. There's clearly a relationship between the three of them. But the three apostles have no category or words to process what they are seeing. They've never seen anything like this before. And then I noticed one word that jumps out, waving its arms to tell me it's the keyword in the text, around which everything else orbits. Like all the planets revolving around the sun. It's the word "listen" in verse 5. In the original Greek language in which the New Testament is written, listen means "to hear, consider, learn from, to understand, comprehend." A contrast in reacting to Jesus We see how this relational dynamic of listening is played out in how the three disciples react to this most unusual situation. Peter was awestruck by what he saw at the top of the mountain that day. And rather than sitting back and letting the event unfold, he starts talking. He was so uncomfortable with this transformation of Jesus, plus the return of Elijah and Moses from the dead. He had never seen anything like this. So Peter deals with his discomfort by proposing this laughable building plan that sounds so spiritual: Building three shelters or tabernacles, one each for Jesus, Moses, and Elijah. Peter interjected himself into the conversation between Jesus, Elijah, and Moses. Do you think they were talking about the need for a shelter or tabernacle for each of them? I don't think so. The truly awesome revelation of the majesty of God should have silenced Peter by taking his breath away. In contrast to Peter, we have James and John were also present, but they didn't say a word. Everyone else was talking: Jesus, Moses, Elijah, and, of course, Peter. Have you ever been the silent one in the room where everyone else is talking? I wonder what it was like for these quiet two. We miss things when we talk rather than listen The text says Jesus took Peter, James, and John with him up a mountain "to be alone." Jesus's appearance then changed: "His face showed like the sun, and his clothes became as white as light." For what purpose? He becomes transformed with all this brightness. Why? Then Moses and Elijah show up from the dead? How come? What does all this mean? We don't know the answer to any of these questions because Peter starts talking. Had he kept quiet, and just watched and listened, we might have learned more. But by talking, Peter changes the trajectory of the event by sharing what he's thinking rather than waiting to hear what Jesus has to say. Theologians have speculated for centuries what Jesus had in mind when he orchestrated this event. I wonder how this story would have turned out had Peter kept his mouth closed, like James and John, and let the story unfold without interjecting himself into it. Notice also what Peter says, "Lord, it's wonderful for us to be here!" He was making this spectacular event all about him, and not about Jesus and his agenda. We often personalize events and make them about us when, in reality, they're about what Jesus is doing to advance his kingdom. Peter couldn't wait to see things unfold. He couldn't step into the larger story of Jesus, his transfiguration, and the conversation between Jesus, Moses, and Elijah. He made this event about the smaller story of his feelings of awkwardness and his way of coping with it through his building proposal. It's understandable that Peter would feel ill at ease, for there's no category for what he, James, and John witnessed. Yet James and John kept quiet. Peter could have, too. What are we to learn from this story? I want to come back to the original meaning of "listen" that I mentioned at the beginning. In the original Greek, as I mentioned, listen means "to hear, consider, learn from, to understand, comprehend." What are we to consider, learn from, understand, or comprehend from this story? It reminds me of the fortune cookie photo you can see in the show notes and on our website. It was sent to me by Kathy, a long-time friend and board member of our ministry. She happened to be in San Fransisco on a trip with her son. Kathy is well-versed in our passion for promoting good listening and wrote the following about the photo: We then went to a Chinese restaurant in San Francisco's Chinatown, and after dinner, I opened my fortune cookie and practically gasped out loud when I saw this fortune! It was much better than the typical "A pleasant surprise is waiting for you" fortune! I knew right away I had to share it with you! "There are lessons to be learned by listening to others" "It's better to listen" principles from the Transfiguration story So what can we take away from this story to help us in our relationships? Here are a few: It's better to listen than talk when we don't understand something Don't let our own personal story, as important as it may be to us, get in the way of the larger story of God's purposes. Keep our story small. God's story large. Look for how our story fits into God's story, not the other way around. Since Jesus brings great joy to God, we do ourselves a big favor when we listen to Jesus. In doing so, we will bring joy to God, too. When we listen to Jesus, everything else falls into place. Our fears, our concerns, our hope for the future Closing As we wrap up season eight today, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to see how you can put into practice the better to listen principle. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. And don't forget, if you want to get on my email list so we can stay in touch going forward, you'll need to sign up for it. Unless, of course, you're already getting my weekly emails. Click here or go to johncertalic.com/email to get on my email list. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow "Share This" bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Prior recent episode 217: God Will Surprise Us All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.

Hello everyone. If you haven't listened to episode 215, "Searching for my Birth Father," I suggest listening to that episode before continuing with this one. Just go to johncertalic.com/215. Today's episode, #216, continues with the theme of how understanding our past helps us understand our present when we see how God began shaping us early on to find joy in being the person he created us to be. Before we get into this I need to tell you that Carol, our announcer and executive director on vacation this week. Filling in for her is the latest addition to our staff, our chaplain and family cat, Father Patrick O'Malley. You'll see his picture at the top of our show notes for today's episode. Picking up where we left off in the previous episode We left off episode 215 with the end of a conversation I had with my mother in the early 1990s about wanting to track down my birth father. The only information she had on him was that Jack Byrd, a truck driver, lived in Fort Wayne, Indiana in 1948. I'll continue now reading from edited excerpts from my book, THEM that describe what I did next. * * * At the time of this talk with my mother, our son and daughter were attending Grace College in Winona Lake, Indiana, about forty miles from Fort Wayne. I learned through my genealogy class that Fort Wayne has one of the best genealogy libraries in the country. Planning a trip to discover more about my past I thought I would extend one of our weekend trips to visit our kids by driving to Fort Wayne to try locating this Jack Byrd. But without the Internet, and certainly without Google, I didn't have a lot to go on. Just his name, and a seemingly common one at that, his occupation, and where he lived 43 years ago. Before going to Fort Wayne, I started some research from home using directory assistance. (My apologies here to the thirty and younger crowd. Ask your parents or grandparents about "directory assistance.") I called the Fort Wayne area code, asking for the phone number of any Jack Byrd, of which there were three. Each with different middle names or initials. So I called my mother and asked her if she remembered his middle name, and she did —it was Edward. Jack Edward Byrd. Then I called the only Jack E. Byrd listed with directory assistance and found out he wasn't the Byrd I was looking for. This Jack Byrd told me the following, "Back in the 1950s, I used to get mistaken for him all the time. Bill collectors and other people kept calling me, thinking I was the other Jack E. Byrd. It was quite annoying. Sorry I can't help you out, but good luck in finding him." A second dead-end in search for my birth father Starting this search process surprised me; something I had ignored for thirty years had developed into a sense of urgency to locate my birth father. It created an adrenaline rush in me that lasted for about six months. In the genealogy class I learned of services that track down birth parents for adopted children. So I contacted one and paid twenty- five dollars for them to try locating Jack Edward Byrd. They came up with nothing. They're not trying hard enough, I thought. Undeterred by this dead end, Janet and I decided to visit our college kids over their homecoming weekend in October of 1991. We drove down on a Thursday evening. Then on Friday, while Janet spent time with our daughter Jennifer and our son Michael in Winona Lake, I drove over to Fort Wayne. I wanted to use what I had been learning in my genealogy class to try locating this mystery man in my life. My first stop was the Allen County Public Library in Fort Wayne, where I camped out in the Genealogical Department. Looking through every source I could think of, I documented my research as I used to do when I wrote term papers in college. Using one bit of information to lead to another energized me. I started looking through obituary notices from the Fort Wayne newspaper. I found nothing there. I had to move on to something different, and to do it quickly, for I was due back in Winona Lake the same evening to attend homecoming activities with our kids. Looking for keys to my past at the library and courthouse Checking out city directories, I found listings for Jack E. Byrd from 1946 to 1955. His employers indicated several trucking firms he worked for during this period. He disappeared after that. I looked for current listings of these same trucking companies, but they did not exist anymore. Had they still been in business, maybe an old-timer there would have remembered my birth father. Time was running out and I still hadn't gotten the information I needed. Maybe I'll have to come back and visit the addresses where he lived in the early 1950s to see if any of the neighbors were there at the time, and if so, ask if they knew his whereabouts. With nowhere else to look in the Genealogical Department of the Allen County Library, and with time moving quickly, I went across the street to the Allen County Courthouse. It was there I found a treasure trove of information I needed. Room 201 houses the marriage and divorce records, so I started there. I was surprised, yet not surprised at what I found. It's amazing what information you can find on a marriage license. I discovered Jack Edward Byrd was born on April 4, 1922. This April 4th date is a very significant date in my own history, which I will get to later. Back to the story. Jack Byrd married a woman named Helen Jane Williamson in 1940. I was pretty sure this was my Jack Edward Byrd because it showed his occupation as a truck driver living in the area. This marriage was his first of six, five of which ended in divorce. One ended with the death of his last wife. My birth father's other family At the time of my birth in February 1949 he was on wife number three and had four children from these marriages. Then there was me. I was conceived the same month his fourth child was born. So he was right in telling my mother when she announced her pregnancy to him that he had another family in Indiana and couldn't support the two of us and his Indiana family at the same time. I certainly had no illusions my birth father was the epitome of virtue or that Focus on the Family was going to be contacting him anytime soon to present a lifetime achievement award. He was married three more times after I was born. On several of the wedding licenses, I noticed he either lied to whomever recorded the information, or there was a misprint. The clock was ticking ever faster as I read through all this data. I wrote down names and any possible contact information from documents I discovered that I could later follow up on when I got home. Once I had gotten all there was to get in room 201, I then checked for civil and probate records, but I wasn't very thorough because their indexing system was hard to figure out and there wasn't time to learn it. I still had about an hour left to do whatever research I could. There was more I could check, but it might have to wait for another trip to Fort Wayne. But the adrenaline was flowing and I wanted to use every minute left. One final push to gather information about my past So I went across the street from the courthouse to the city/ county building to look for records there. Nothing turned up for Jack E. Byrd, but I did find a few records for his son Timothy Kevin Byrd. First a property deed from 1990, then divorce papers from his wife. I wrote down any names and contact information I could follow up on later. With lots of paper filled with my notes, I headed back to Winona Lake for the evening activities with our son and daughter. I had spent the day using what I learned in the genealogy class, as well as what I learned from a summer job when I was a teacher. I worked for an insurance investigation firm where I checked court documents, looking for criminal records and civil actions. Added to this were the skills I developed as a headhunter, where I used one bit of information to lead to another. All of this experience came into play in searching for Jack Edward Byrd. I think I was enjoying this process more than I should have. It gave me a sense of control and power over what had rendered me powerless for so many years. Once we were back home in Milwaukee after my foray into the secrets of the Allen County Courthouse, I organized the notes I had taken and began mapping out a plan to locate Jack E. Byrd. Making phone calls to discover more of my past Using directory assistance, I started calling Jack E. Byrd's ex-wives and children, whose names I had found on marriage and divorce records. Several of them were easily located; others I could not find. The ones I could locate were scattered around various communities in Indiana. Unlike their husband and father, they didn't stray far from their Hoosier roots. He, on the other hand, as I discovered, strayed as geographically as he did in his marital relationships, ending up in various cities in Alabama and Florida. In calling the contacts I located, I didn't want this skeleton in their family closets to come falling down on them, fracturing something in them like it did me. I didn't want to open a can of worms for them. I didn't want to let the cat out of the bag. I didn't want to use other clichés for this very important process to me. I had to be honest, yet not reveal too much that would arouse suspicion. So when I called, I would introduce myself and simply say, "I am doing research into my family history and as part of the search, I'm trying to locate a Jack Edward Byrd, someone I think I may be related to. Do you know if he's still alive and if so, what his phone number is?" One bit of information leads to another piece of my past No one ever questioned my motives. No one ever asked how I might be related. No one ever asked, "Well, if you think you're related to Jack Byrd, do you think maybe you might be related to me, too?" If they had, I probably would have just hung up the phone without answering. I've learned not every question people ask needs to be answered. I've also learned on the rare occasion when people ask me a question that makes me feel uncomfortable, it helps to ask a question in return, "Why do you ask?" One particular ex-wife I contacted, a woman living in Rensselaer, Indiana, was most helpful. She had lost track of her ex a number of years ago, but she had a lot of names and phone numbers of family members who might know the whereabouts of one Jack E. Byrd. She did think he was still alive. I spent many evenings calling these leads and asking each of them for additional leads. Lots of phone calls, but no success. That was okay, though, because I was doing something. I could do, rather than feel. Doing something gave me a measure of control. It quieted the "you never should have been born; it's not how people are supposed to come into the world" voices. One night, while going through my notes from my research in Fort Wayne, I found notes I had scribbled down from the divorce papers of one of Jack Byrd's sons, Timothy Kevin Byrd. I should mention that in my search, I was always asking for leads to any of Jack Byrd's children, thinking they would likely know how to reach their father, if in fact, he was still alive. An attorney gives me a clue to help discover my past For some unexplainable reason, when I was at the courthouse, I also wrote down the name of the attorney and law firm that handled the divorce for Timothy Kevin Byrd, which took place in the 1980s. The next day, I called the law firm of that attorney and asked to speak to him. Relieved he was still with them, I explained I was doing some family history research and noticed in some court documents he represented Timothy Kevin Byrd's divorce. "He is someone I may be related to and I'd like to talk to him. Do you know how I can reach him?" "Well, if I did, I couldn't tell you—attorney-client privilege and all that. I do remember him, though, and by the way, he goes by Kevin Byrd. I haven't talked to him in years, but the last I heard, he had moved to Ohio." That explained why I couldn't locate him through directory assistance in the (219) area code in Indiana. In those days, there was no nationwide directory assistance—you had to make a request for a person in a specific city, or at the very least, in a specific area code. "What about his wife, his ex-wife? Do you know how I can reach her?" "Hmm. I think she still lives in the Fort Wayne area," he replied. This is sure awkward I had her name from the divorce records so I called directory assistance in Fort Wayne, got her phone number, and then waited a few days before calling. I sensed this call was going to finally lead to where I wanted to go. It felt like I was closing in on a hunt I did not want to end. It was like coming to the end of a good book you didn't want to finish because the pleasure of reading it would also come to an end. That's why I waited before I called. More nervous than in any of my previous calls, when Kevin Byrd's ex-wife answered the phone I said, "Hi, you don't know me, but my name is John Certalic. I'm doing research into my family history and as part of this, I'm trying to locate a Jack Edward Byrd, someone I think I may be related to. I understand you used to be married to one of his sons, Kevin. Is that correct?" Then silence. And more silence. Finally, with a nervous, halting voice, she replied, "Yes, that's correct." "I'm wondering if I can ask you a few questions about Jack Byrd." Silence once again on the other end of the line. After a very long pause, she said, "Can you call me back tomorrow?" With her voice cracking, it sounded like she was starting to hyperventilate. "I was married to Kevin for only a year and your call has just opened up a lot of very painful wounds and memories." Opening up painful wounds in another's past "Oh, of course I can call back. I am so sorry. It was not my intent to do this to you. I am so sorry." "Call tomorrow. I just need some time to think about this and see if I can talk about it. It was all so terrible." "I understand, and I apologize for the pain I've caused you." "Okay." Click. Yikes! What had I done to the poor woman? Some stranger calls her out of the blue and wants to bring up a very painful part of her past. I felt terrible. So I waited several days before calling back. "Hi, this is John Certalic again, I spoke to you a few days ago." "Yes, I remember. I'm sorry I cut you off, but that period in my life was so awful. It was a very abusive marriage. But you asked about Kevin's father, Jack. He and Kevin were very similar. Angry, abusive men. Jack was very tall. His face was pock-marked, probably from acne as a kid years ago." "Is he still alive?' "I don't know. It's been many years since I last saw him." "Do you know where he might be living now?" "No." "How about your ex-husband, Kevin? Do you know how I can reach him?" "I don't have a phone number for him. The last I heard, he was living in Columbus, Ohio." "Well, thank you so much. You've been very helpful to me. And again, I am sorry for reminding you of a painful part of your past." "That's okay." "Goodbye." Another clue to discovering my past It was becoming clear to me that perhaps the path to Jack Byrd was through his son Kevin. So I called directory assistance in Columbus, Ohio, and found no listing for him. Another roadblock. What do I do next? I went back to my notes and after looking through them, decided to re-contact Jack Byrd's ex-wives to see if they knew how I could reach the son, Kevin Byrd. I don't know why I hadn't thought of that before. One of the ex-wives said, "Oh, Kevin. Yes, he is living in Columbus, Ohio now. I think I do have his phone number. Let me see, now. Where did I put it?" Oh, please, dear God. Let her find the number. "Yes, here it is. His phone number is ...." Now we were getting somewhere. Another lead, a good lead, to follow up. The adrenaline was flowing again. I now knew how to reach the closest relative yet to my birth father. But I was getting more nervous about blowing my cover. What if he was more inquisitive than all the others? What if he wanted to know how I thought I might be related to his father? I needed to be honest, yet I wanted to respect everyone's privacy. I didn't want a repeat of what had happened with the call to his ex-wife. It was getting a bit tense. A week went by before I summoned the courage to call the son of my biological father. My half-brother, Kevin Byrd. Same father. Different mothers. It occurred to me then that all of my siblings are half-brothers or half-sisters—the four I grew up with, and the many others I had never met. Nothing in me seemed whole. Everything was half-this, half-that Everything was half. I was half-happy. Half-depressed. Nothing was full as it should be. I was not even fully adopted, for I had been raised by half of my birth parents, and adopted by the other half. This sometimes depressed me, too. If both my birth parents had abandoned me, maybe I would have had more reason to be depressed all the time as a kid and young adult. Nothing was normal. That's how it felt during my search. Not long ago, though, I found some healing from this at a wedding for one of my nieces. I don't remember how we got on the subject but my brother Joe, who I grew up with, looked at one of my sisters and me, and shaking his head in disbelief, said, "I NEVER considered John my half-brother. He was always just my brother. Never just a half-brother." What wonderful healing words those were to me. The final clue The search for my birth father, rather than depressing me, energized me. The next thing to do was to call his son, Kevin Byrd. After staring at the phone one evening, and picking it up and setting it down once or twice, I finally dialed his number. "Hello, you don't know me, but my name is John Certalic. I'm doing some research into my family history and as part of this, I'm trying to locate a Jack Edward Byrd, and I understand you are his son. Am I correct?" "Yes, I'm his son." "Great. Is he still alive?" "Yes, he is, last time I checked." "Do you know where he is living now and how I can reach him?" "Dad is living outside of Mobile, Alabama. He moved down there when he retired. He got tired of winters in the Midwest. I've got his phone number right here; I just talked to him a few days ago. Here's his number... Oh, and when you call, let the phone ring for a long time. He's hard of hearing now and it will take him a while to get to the phone." "Thanks. I appreciate your help. Goodbye." Now what? More to come in the next episode We need to stop here because I know you have other things to do with your day. But we'll pick up and hopefully finish this story in our next episode, #217 in two weeks. I think you'll be interested in hearing what happened when I actually called Jack Byrd and what he had to say to me. For now, though, I want to remind you of the theme of this little chapter of my past, namely that understanding our past and where we've come from helps us understand our present when we see how God began shaping us early on to find joy in being the person he created us to be. It's a theme that can be part of your story as well. For me, I certainly didn't find any joy at the time in being the person God created me to be. That realization took time. But looking back now, I can see things more clearly. The April 4ths connections Here's just one example, the whole April 4th thing that I mentioned earlier. In my search for Jack Byrd, I discovered his birthday is April 4th. That day is also the day I found Jesus in 1968, which is my spiritual birthday. It's also the same day Martin Luther King was assassinated. He transitioned out of this world into a new life the same day I entered a new life. And then the same thing happened to one of the dearest people in my life, My mother-in-law, Elda Millane, when she died at age 96 on April 4th, 2020. She had been suffering from Alzheimer's for at least the previous 12 years. It was both a sad and joyous occasion. And it's the subject of episode 059, "The Last Place You Would Ever Think to Find Joy." I'll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes. It's really one of my favorites. I hope you listen to it someday. Thinking about all these connections to April 4th just gives me chills and draws me to the love of God. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to think about how God has been shaping you, even from an early age, to be the person he's created to be. And to find a measure of joy in that reality. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow "Share This" bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 021: The Most Important Relationship of All 059: The Last Place You Would Ever Think to Find Joy 029: An Adoption Relationship Story- Part 1 030: An Adoption Relationship Story - Part 2 Most prior recent episode 215: Searching For My Birth Father All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. Donate Please consider donating to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world. You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here. You can also contribute by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

A listener once suggested that for a podcast episode I should read from the book I wrote in 2016, THEM- The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others. It's about relationships, which of course, is what this podcast is about. But I don't know if reading from it would interest many of you. Maybe the first chapter might, I don't know. It's about how people are like houses when it comes to deepening our relationships with others. But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others My book THEM has never sold well. Many of them sit on a shelf in our basement to prove it. Two of my relatives I know bought the book, and I offered it to the rest of the extended family as Christmas gifts after it came out. But no one wanted a free and signed copy. I was going to pay the postage, too. Yeah, that was my Charley Brown Christmas alright. But I did get an award and a cash prize for the book. Writers Digest named it the "Best Inspirational Book of 2016." However, there wasn't much competition for inspiration in 2016. It was a lean year in the inspiration department, as you may recall. Nevertheless, I'm going to take a chance and read from selected portions of chapter one of the book that I think you'll enjoy hearing, and maybe even find inspiring. It's about a useful principle that could help you in deepening the relationships in your life. It's called, "People Are Like Houses." People are like houses I'll begin with this. Every house has multiple openings. All kinds of openings— windows, doors, chimneys, even clothes-dryer vents. Openings to bring the outside in, or openings to let the inside out. When you walk past some houses, the resident of the house will see you from inside through a window, open the door and come bounding out to greet you. "Why don't you come in and I'll get you something to drink. Please stay a while so we can chat and get caught up with each other's lives. I've been thinking about you. I have so much to tell you since we last met. It is so good to see you." This is how some people respond when we walk past their houses. Such people are wide-open houses with openings that invite you in. They are easy people to engage with—the low-hanging fruit of relationships. It doesn't take a lot of work to relate with people like this. Me, I get along great with children and older ladies because they are houses with relational openings I can easily pick out. Younger than eight and older than eighty is my sweet spot. With everyone in between, not so much. Other people are houses with fewer openings. Walk past someone's house like this and when she sees you from her front window, she closes the drapes, pulls the blinds, and turns off the lights. If you go to her front door and ring the doorbell, she'll pretend she's not home and leave you standing there like a rebuffed Jehovah's Witness. Closed openings to this house A number of years ago, the elders from a church in our area called me into a meeting to ask me how they could better care for their pastor, who was going through a rough time. Their question showed me they didn't know him very well. The better we know someone, the easier it is to care for them. I responded to their question with, "I think you need to get to know him better." "We've tried, but it's hard because he plays it close to the vest. He doesn't let anyone in," replied one of the elders." His house is full of closed doors and covered windows. The opening to his house is hard to find, but if you work at it long and hard enough, you'll find it. "Maybe he plays it close to the vest because he's been hurt in the past with being more open, and he doesn't want to be hurt again. Maybe he plays it close to the vest because he doesn't trust you." A few heads nodded, but that's as far as it went. Some people have closed houses like this. I'm like this myself at times. I play it close to the vest when I don't trust people either. I close the openings to my house to protect myself, which Christian psychologist Larry Crabb calls the most common sin of us all—self-protection. Delayed openings Other people have houses whose openings will close up at first, but who wait to see if you come back, and then if the stars are properly aligned, and they've finished watching Dancing with the Stars, will crack open the door and whisper to you, "Now is not a good time, maybe next week. I'm not feeling well right now." So you leave with a small opening for the future, a little hope. Still other people, when they see you come by, will call out from the window, "I'd really like to talk, but the baby is napping, and my husband thinks I spend too much time with my girlfriends, so could you please come back tomorrow? Come at night, though, and come to the back door. I really need to talk to you." Different houses, different openings Get the picture? People are like houses with many different openings. Some are wide open, and others closed shut like a lake cottage in the dead of winter. The frustrating thing for me is that I often want to enter a person's relational house through the opening I want, through an easy opening like the front door. I don't want to have to come back again and again, or wait until spring. And I don't want to go to the back door at night. Nor do I want to talk through the screen of the kitchen window, or get on the ground and whisper through the basement window. But the fact is, if I want to relate well with someone, I have to go with the opening that person gives me, not the one I want. This principle is especially true in caring for others. We can't care well for people if we don't know them very well. To care well means at times we have to pursue people and look for openings to get to know a person at a heart level. It's not always easy, for some people have closed up many of the openings to their house. We can't give up, though. It's important that we work at it. For in the end, it's always worth it. The openings children give us These grandsons of ours have also taught me much about how people, even children, are like houses. They open themselves up to us when they want in ways they want—not at the time or manner I prefer. On the occasions Janet and I have picked them up from school because their parents were away, I've wanted to understand how their day went. What did they learn in kindergarten today? What is going on in their little hearts. I want to know because I love them deeply and want to enter into their world. When I try to get into their "house," they are often very closed. They pull the blinds and turn off the lights with their favorite response, "It's classified." It's classified? Please, don't they know who I am? I've changed their diapers, which should entitle me to more than, "It's classified, Grandpa." They closed one of the openings to their house I was trying to enter. I wondered if there is another opening they would give me. There was. I discovered the opening one night when Janet and I were babysitting and it came time to put them to bed. They got their pajamas on, brushed their teeth, and crawled into bed. I then read them a book. "Can you read another one? Please? Oh please!" "I need a glass of water." "Where's my Star Wars guy? I have to look for it. I can't go to sleep without it! Really, I won't fall asleep without it!" Typical bed-time stall routines. I've been through all of this many times, but then one night, Grant, firmly tucked in bed with the covers up to his chin, pulled out from his arsenal of sleep-delaying tactics, this question "Grandpa, are you going to die?" I didn't see this one coming Has someone been talking to this boy? Does he know something I don't know? Ironically, his question came eerily close to the question too frightening for all of our family just six years earlier, "Is Grant going to die?" More about that later. As I sat down on Grant's bed and looked into his eyes, I could tell he had moved from stalling at bedtime, to a deep metaphysical issue people have pondered for centuries. I was not prepared for his question, nor for such an opportunity to see into his heart. Grant was giving me an opening to his house, and I wanted to take advantage of it. I can't afford to miss this one, I thought, even though it came at night when I am least alert. But there he was, opening his house to me in a way that worked for him. As I sat on the bed, I told him, "Yes, I will die someday, but it most likely wouldn't happen for a very long time." I went on to tell him that when I did die, I would go to heaven to be with Jesus, where I would wait for him—to join me many years later. I told Grant we have nothing to worry about when it comes to dying if we know Jesus. For if we know Jesus, we will spend forever with Him and with all the other people who know Him. Grateful for this opening I was invited into A smile broke out on his small lips that told me he was okay with my answer. He could now call it a day because his question about the destiny of humanity was settled and he could move on. He was comforted, as was I. "Good night, Grant. I love you." "I love you, too, Grandpa." I turned out his light, thankful for the opening he had given me to his house, to his heart. We connected at an unwelcome, unexpected time for me. I found with our grandkids some of the most significant conversations I've had with them happened at night sitting on their bed, because it is when it is most comfortable for them. It's when they were the most reflective. I have to be on guard, to be aware, so I can take advantage of the openings they give me. * * * * * * * Well there you have it, the "People Are Like Houses" principle from chapter one of my book, THEM. In addition to the two examples of this principle I've shared here, there are three more stories like it in chapter one of the book. But we've run out of time for today, as you've probably finished with folding laundry or picking up the kids from school. I'll leave you with two thoughts. I wonder if people you want to understand better are giving you "openings to their house" that you might be missing. And secondly, are you making it harder on people to relate to you because many of the openings to your house are closed? Are your drapes closed and your porch light turned off? It might be worth the risk to switch the lights on and open a window are two. Closing As we close up shop for today, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to look a little more closely at the openings people may be giving you into their house. Because when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. Don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Prior recent episode 213: Five Things to Watch for in Your Next Conversation All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. Donate Please consider donating to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world. You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here. You can also contribute by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

The older I get the more I've come to appreciate how it's the little things we do for people that matter most to them. Little things that come naturally for us because of how God uniquely made us, I've got a few stories for you today to illustrate this point. Stories that I hope will inspire you to bless others in ways that are easy and natural for you. But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Today's episode If you're a regular around here you may recall that our most recent podcast episode, no. 211, was my "Men With Waffles" story. Click here if you missed A Men's Breakfast Like No Other. It's the story of how 5 men who each received a waffle maker for Christmas got together one Saturday morning to make waffles for the guys in our adult Sunday School class. As part of the breakfast they each wrote down on a large sheet of newsprint one thing they appreciated about their wife. I took photos of the whole event, including individual shots of each guy holding the paper describing what they wrote about their wife. Then I made a slide presentation of the photos and showed it to our Sunday school class the next morning. The ladies loved it. The photo that evoked the most oohs and ahs was of Allen. It's the one you see at the top of the show notes for today's episode. Little things we say can mean a lot Allen simply wrote, "I appreciate Carol." As I described in the episode, he was the quietest man in our church. While he was a man of few of words, each one of them counted. I don't know about you, but I'm drawn to people like this. While our men with waffles breakfast is so vivid in my mind that it seems like a recent event, it actually took place in March of 2011. So much has happened in the lives of the men at that breakfast since then. Scott and his wife adopted a child. Randy took a new job that moved him to Pittsburgh. Bill completed his Ph.D. and moved first to California, then to Washington State. Brad finished his Ph.D. and took a job in Kansas, and then later moved to South Dakota for a different job. Gregg retired. Mike also retired and is now caring for his wife who recently suffered a debilitating stroke. But the biggest change of all happened to Allen. Ten years later. The day that changed everything On Sunday, March 7th, 2021 Allen went downstairs to the basement of the home where he and his wife Carol lived, together with their 16-year-old quadriplegic granddaughter Haily who is confined to a wheelchair. It seemed to Carol that Allen had been in the basement doing some little thing for an unusually long time, so she called to him, "Allen?" There was no answer. She called again. Still no answer. So she went downstairs, and there discovered Allen lying on the floor, having suffered a massive fatal heart attack. The funeral was held at our church, and I remember going up to Carol in the lobby. But before I could say anything, she began recounting to the people standing around here what happened to Allen on that fateful day a week or so before. Carol was clearly in a state of shock. What is this going to mean to her and Haily, I thought. Will she be able to care for Haily by herself, given all that Allen did so lovingly to care for and raise their granddaughter? It's what the whole church who knew Allen and Carol were thinking about. We were all in a state of shock. Little things we do tell you a lot about a person's character In the months that followed I periodically thought of Allen. I would remember watching him each Sunday morning pulling into a handicap stall in our church parking lot and sliding Haily out the rear ramp of their handicapped-equipped van. He would push her in her wheelchair into church so quietly and with such ease. It was a little thing he did that mattered so much to Hailey and Carol. So often when I saw Allen doing this I thought, That is a man who loves well. I never heard him complain about the toll on him and Carol in caring for Haily.I should be more like him. I complain way too much. Now I have not heard the story of why Haily's parents were not raising her, but it didn't matter. Allen and Carol, as her grandparents, have filled in the gap for what is missing in Haily's life. And at a great sacrifice. Fast forward to the breakfast I had with my friend Randy at the end of last year and the waffle he ordered. It reminded me again of Allen and our men with waffles breakfast that I talked about in the last episode. Seeing Randy's waffle prompted me to go back and look at the photos of that little event, especially the one of Allen declaring on a large piece of newsprint that he appreciated his wife, Carol. I had thought for a long time after Allen died that I should make a copy of that photo and give it to Carol. I had the file for it sitting on the desktop of my computer for at least a year with good intentions to act on my thought. But with pitiful procrastination for actually doing something about it. Until just the other day. A little thing in the mail prompted action I got an email from Walgreens that they were having a sale on photo enlargements. I saw how easy it was to get a print enlargement of a digital photo. So I ordered an 8 x 10 canvas print of Allen wrapped around a 1-inch frame. It's the photo you see at the top of the show notes. It didn't cost much at all and it was done in 45 minutes. All I had to do was pick it up at the Walgreen's only a few miles away. A few days later I put it in a small gift bag and took it over to Carol and Haily's house. I was a little apprehensive because I thought what if they moved and someone else is living in at the address I had for them? I didn't want to call or email, so I took a chance and drove it over there. Once I got to the house I recognized the van Allen used to take Haily places, which made my concern evaporate. Nobody's home I rang the front doorbell, but there was no answer, so I went to the side of the house along the driveway looking for another door. At the back of the house I found a door that had a ramp attached to it, which I assumed was where they got Haily into and out of the house. I couldn't get to the door because the ramp was up about 3 feet off the ground, so I placed the gift bag with the photo on the ramp. It seemed safe to leave it there, as there was no rain or snow in the forecast and surely Carol would find it. So I left. But then on the way home, I wondered if she would find it. What if she and Haily were out of town? Maybe I should call or email Carol. I tried both, but there was no answer to my call, and I had the wrong email address. This is nuts, I thought. Just let it go. She'll find it. Move on to the other things you've got going. You never know how the little things we do will bless others The next day I received a message at 1:35 pm through our podcast website from Carol. She gave me permission to share it with you. The subject line read "A Thankful Heart," and the body of her message reads as follows: Just want to tell you how much you blessed me by such a wonderful act of kindness that the Lord knew I much needed. It has been hard lately, getting older alone and taking care of Hailey alone and trying so hard to be what God would want me to be for such a time as this. I opened it and sat and cried, but they were good tears. Dale called (that's one of her kids) and soon we were both crying - thank you so much for remembering myself and Allen. I miss him more than words could convey, he was such a good man. He is missed each and every day. That wonderful picture will be on my fireplace forever. I was going to call you, but it is hard to talk with the tears that keep coming. It will be 3 years on March 7th, but feels like so long and yet just yesterday. I can't wait to see him again. l pray the Lord bless you both as you have blessed me.~ God bless you, love Carol and Hailey Then a few hours later on my way out the door for an appointment, Carol called to thank me verbally for the print of Allen. She was a little choked up and through her tears told me again how much she appreciated what I did. How neighbors remember Allen Her grief was palpable as she told me several stories from neighbors about the impact Allen had on them. One was from a woman who couldn't get her snowblower started, and when Allen noticed it he offered to fix it. He went and got the needed parts to get it up and running. After he fixed it she offered to pay him, but Allen wouldn't accept any money. Another time Allen noticed a neighbor was having a hard time straightening up a small wall that had fallen in his backyard. "I don't know what I'm doing," the neighbor said. But Allen did. So he spent the better part of a day helping the man with his problem, and again he wouldn't accept any payment for his troubles. "I like helping people," Allen told the neighbor. These two stories are just samples of how Allen blessed others. What were little things to him, these acts of service that came naturally for him, were things that greatly impacted people. Things they were willing to pay for. I mentioned to Carol that the thing that struck me the most in her message to me was when she said he was such a good man. He is missed each and every day. Allen and Joseph, father of Jesus I said that her phrase "he was such a good man" is the way Matthew, the Gospel writer, describes Joseph, the early father of Jesus. He was a good man too. And Joseph was quiet, also. Just like Allen. He was a behind-the-scenes kind of guy, just like Allen. They were both cut from the same cloth. One of my all-time favorite episodes of this podcast is one I did a few years ago at Christmas, number 135 entitled Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy. It's about Joseph, and now that I know more about Allen, it's about men like him, too. I'll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes. What I learned This episode about Allen has taught me a few things. Here are some of them: It doesn't take much to bless others. We underestimate the power of little things to make an impact in people's lives. Good intentions don't mean anything unless they result in good actions. There are good men out there like Allen. We just have to be observant to notice and appreciate them We can all be like Allen. Probably not in repairing snowblowers or fixing a fallen wall, but we can use the abilities God has wired into each of us to make the world a better place. Doing good for others, like Allen did, reflects the image and character of God. It doesn't get much better than that. It's a great way to live I'll close with an updated version of the main point of episode 135, it's the one I mentioned about Joseph, the father of Jesus: A good man is hard to find. But they're out there, men like Allen often in the background, not saying much. Their character and behavior tell us more than their words. Look for them. Be like them. Closing As we close up shop for today, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to do something small for someone. Something that comes easily and naturally for you. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow "Share This" bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. Like Allen did. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 135: Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All The prior and most recent episode 211: A Men's Breakfast Like No Other All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. Donate Please consider donating to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world. You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here. You can also contribute by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

CURIOUS. It's my pick for the 2024 Word of the Year. Curious. It's an important relational skill we need to help us deepen our relationships with others. Today's episode is about what happens when we're not curious about people, and what we can do about it to strengthen our relational curiosity muscles that will enrich our relationships. But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Missed opportunities when we're not curious about people I'm just about finished reading David Brooks' latest book, How to Know a Person - The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen. He's a columnist for The New York Times and The Atlantic, and also a commentator you see every now on then on the PBS NewsHour. I'm really enjoying his book and gave several copies of it to family members this past Christmas. At some point down the road I'll do a review of the whole book, but for now, I'll mention one paragraph that jumped out at me. The author tells the story of what happened to him at a dinner party when he was engaged in conversation with some interesting people. Brooks mentioned conversations like this come naturally to him because his job as a journalist involves interviewing people, asking them questions, and otherwise drawing them out. After the party on the way home, he was reflecting on the conversations he had. And while they were certainly fascinating, they left him feeling empty. He commented that here he was asking all kinds of questions of these interesting people, but no one was curious about anything in his life. No one asked him any questions at all. Not one. Nada. Zilch. He didn't mention it in this context, but Brooks as a columnist for two world-class publications, the author of several best-selling books, and a TV commentator - has lived a fascinating life himself. He's traveled the world in connection with his job and has interviewed several US presidents and rulers of other countries. Yet no one was curious to ask him any questions. How sad for Brooks, and even sadder for the people he engaged with at the party. They missed out. "I'm curious about them, but they're not with me" Shortly after I read this section in Brooks' book, one of my grandsons shared a similar story. A few months ago he started his first job out of college in a position he really loves. Plus, he is enjoying getting to know the people he works with. He is much younger than any of his colleagues, but they have taken him under their wings. Two women in particular go walking together on their lunch hour and they invited my grandson to join them. He describes his relationship with these ladies like this: "I don't think they realize how much younger I am than them [he's 21]. They're probably in their late 30s or early 40s and have been doing the same job I'm doing for a dozen years or so. They're both moms with young kids in school. And they tell me about all the drama that goes on in their families with their kids. They're fun people and I enjoy the time we walk together. "But they don't know one thing about me. They never ask me anything about my life." My grandson is a genuinely curious person. He's always asking me questions about what's going on in my life, and I can easily picture him asking his colleagues about theirs. He's quite an engaging person so I can see why they invited him on their walks. These are good people he works with, but they're missing out on learning how a person so different from themselves experiences the world. "I've even killed people" Then there's my friend Dick at our church. We're a small group, about 25 of us. As part of our Sunday morning service, after the sermon we discuss what the preacher talked about. The discussions are often lively and quite interesting as people share their experiences as they relate to the sermon. One Sunday not too long ago, the post-sermon discussion centered on the grace of God. Our little congregation has varying levels of understanding about this topic, based on what people experienced in other churches they've attended in the past. Near the end of this particular discussion, my friend Dick chimed in. He's in frail health, walks with a cane, and has breathing and balance difficulties. He comes to church with a caregiver who looks after him. When he arrives a couple of the women in our group always give him a big hug. His smile lights up the room when they do. Anyway, in a moment of vulnerability here's what Dick said in our discussion: "I'm 94 years old and all the things people have just shared are things I've been through myself, and more. But no one ever asks me about them. I mean, I've even killed people." It was a sad moment. A sad moment for our church because Dick has wisdom and experience to share if only people were curious enough to ask. Just saying this reminds me I need to act on my curiosity and engage with Dick more. I'm certainly interested in his perspective on the spiritual issues we talk about on Sunday morning, but I'm also curious about his personal life. He grew up during the Depression of the 1930s and I wonder what that was like for him. Oh, and then there's that small matter of his comment, "I've even killed people." A different kind of law professor I'll leave you with one last story about being curious. It's a positive one about another grandson of mine. Our family was together on Christmas Day and we were catching up on each other's lives. My grandson George had just completed his first semester of law school and we were asking him how it went. He talked about each of his courses and the professors who taught them. One of his professors in particular impressed me. George explained him like this: "He memorized every one of our names, and there were 75 of us in the class. He taught two other classes and he did the same thing for those, too. "Then he had each of us come to his office individually over the course of the semester for a short meeting. He said he just wanted to get to know us better. He asked us about our personal lives, our interests, things like that. "And we got to ask him questions, too. I asked him how he got interested in law in the first place. Then I found out he had a couple of young children, and he told me about his wife, her love of plants, and that he was a big Green Bay Packers fan. No other professor does this. He's ranked #2 of all the law school professors on that student-rated website." I'm really happy George has someone like this in his life, and I hope he gets this same professor again for another class. Not just because he was curious enough to find out more about George as a person, but also because he modeled for him what a relationally intelligent person does. They are curious about the lives of people they interact with. But if I'm curious and ask people questions won't they think I'm being nosy? I'll let David Brooks answer this question from his book I mentioned earlier, How to Know a Person. In his chapter entitled "The Right Questions" he writes, "While doing research for this book, I interviewed many people - seminar leaders, conversation facilitators, psychologists and focus group moderators, biographers and journalists - whose job is to ask people about their lives. I asked these experts how often somebody looks back at them and says, 'None of your d- - - business.' Every expert I consulted had basically the same answer: 'Almost never.'" The author goes on to say, "A 2012 study by Harvard neuroscientists found that people often took more pleasure from sharing information about themselves than from receiving money." Let that thought sink in for a moment. People often took more pleasure from sharing information about themselves than from receiving money. Brooks concludes with "Over the course of my career as a journalist I, too, have found that if you respectfully ask people about themselves, they will answer with candor that takes your breath away. "Studs Terkel was a journalist who collected oral histories over his long career in Chicago. He'd ask people big questions and then sit back and let their answers unfold. 'Listen, listen, listen, listen, and if you do, people will talk,' he once observed. 'They always talk. Why? Because no one has ever listened to them before in all their lives. Perhaps they've not ever listened to themselves.' "Each person is a mystery. And when you are surrounded by mysteries, as the saying goes, it's best to live life in the form of a question." What a beautiful way of describing such a profound observation about the human condition. It takes my breath away. So what about you? How curious are you about the people in your life, and do you act on that curiosity? For me, I know now that I need to act on my curiosity about Dick, my 94-year-old-friend from church. I've got to find out where his "I've killed people" comment comes from. Not just for my benefit, but for his. There's a story locked up within him somewhere that needs to get out to see the light of day. Imagine what the world would be like if we were all a little more curious about each other. I'm convinced we'd all live deeper and richer lives. So there you have it for the word of the year for 2024. Curious. I'll be coming back to this word and relational skill in future episodes this year. For now, though, at the bottom of the show notes I've listed links to past episodes that touch up the topic of curiosity that you might want to check out. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to become more curious about the people around you, and then to act on that curiosity. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow "Share This" bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 062: Vaccine Now Available for this Relational Virus 063: Six Reasons Why We're Not More Curious About People 073: Could Curiosity About Others Minimize Racism? The most recent episodes 209: The Christmas Story in 2023 208: Christmas - A Time to Reflect All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. Please consider making a donation to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world. You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here. You can also contribute by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

There are many cultural dimensions to all that is Christmas. Pick your favorite. I have a few that I look forward to every year. But as I get older, I'm seeing Christmas more as a great time to reflect on my relationship with Jesus. In Luke's gospel, for example, I'm especially drawn to the mother of Jesus, Mary, and how she reflects upon the birth of her son and all that it means to her, both in the present and the future. There are things we can learn from Mary as she takes time to reflect on this most important event in all of history. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. To set the scene for when Mary took time to reflect on all that happened at the first Christmas, I'll read a few verses from Luke's gospel that tell the story. They're the ones that occur right after Mary gave birth to Jesus. An angel of the Lord had just appeared to a group of shepherds who were on the job out in the fields tending to their sheep. God's glory surrounded all of them, having appeared out of nowhere. Quite naturally the shepherds were terrified for they had never seen anything like this. But the angel, a messenger from God, reassured them and told them there's nothing to be afraid of because he was there to simply announce that Jesus. the savior, the Messiah the Lord. had been born in Bethlehem. Other angels then appear filling the sky and praising God. What a majestic sight that must have been. After the angels leave We'll pick up the story in chapter 2 of Luke's Gospel, verse 15. Luke writes: When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about." So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. It's this last line that has captained me lately, But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. Two important actions going on There are two important verbs in the sentence I just read, "treasured" and "pondered." at least that's how the New International translation renders them. Other translations use the phrase "Mary kept all these things in her heart" rather than "treasure." For the verb "Pondered," other translations use "thought about them often." But the translation I like best is the New International Bible Reader's Version which translates Luke 2:19 like this, But Mary kept all these things like a secret treasure in her heart. She thought about them over and over. What are the "these things" of Christmas Regardless of how you translate the two verbs in this verse, the noun phrase that is the object of the first sentence in the verse is always translated the same, "these things." But what are the things Mary was keeping, or treasuring, and pondering or thinking about over and over? It's one of the beautiful mysteries of the Christmas story that's worth taking the time to reflect upon. I imagine Mary obviously reflecting upon what the shepherds told her about the angel of the Lord appearing to them and how terrifying it was. But how their fear turned to joy when the angel told them not to be afraid because Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. What a comforting independent confirmation that what the angel Gabriel told Mary when he visited her 9 months earlier was actually true! This truth alone is like a treasure worth appreciating over and over again. What Gabriel told her wasn't something she just imagined. The sky was full of angels confirming this was all true. But there are a few other less obvious "these things" The "all these things" phrase Luke uses in describing Mary's response to what is happening, implies different layers to what Mary is experiencing. One layer I imagine is Mary taking time to reflect upon her relationship with her elderly relative Elizabeth. Imagine these two improbable pregnancies. One to someone too old to bear a child, and the other to a virgin. This was certainly something to treasure and think about often. It would naturally draw Mary to God and his amazing ways in accomplishing his purposes. Author Anne Lamont would describe this layer to the Christmas story, in the most reverent of tones, as "God showing off." It's one of her favorite expressions. It makes me wonder about the improbable things God has done in your life. What things has he done for you that's worthy of treasuring? Joseph And then there's Mary's husband Joseph. Another layer to the Christmas story. I imagine Mary sitting there in the cave with the baby Jesus looking at Joseph and treasuring her relationship with him. I picture her taking time to reflect on where they've come from in their time together. We don't know how old Joseph was, but we're pretty sure Mary was probably 14 or 15 years old. Maybe they went to high school together. They were both from the small backwater town of Nazareth, which had a lot going against it in terms of its reputation. Remember one of Jesus' disciples remarking, "can anything good come out of Nazareth?" While I imagine Mary was the subject of a lot of gossip surrounding her pre-marital pregnancy, she had to know Joseph dealt with the same thing. There was a cost to his reputation and standing in the community, too. Yet he stood by her and believed what Mary and the angel Gabriel told him - as implausible as it was. What woman wouldn't want a husband like this? Scripture doesn't have a lot to say about Joseph, except that he was described as a "good man." I did an earlier episode about him, episode no 135, "Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy." I'll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes in case you're interested. It's one of my favorite Christmas episodes. "All these men around my baby" Another layer to what Mary treasured and took time to reflect upon could very well have been the place of the shepherds in the birth of Jesus. If I were Mary, I'd wonder why all these men were here to see my baby. Birthing is typically a female kind of thing, but here are all these guys - Joseph and the shepherds. There's not another lady to be found in the whole story. What gives with that? Why are the shepherds even part of the Christmas story? Why couldn't the angels appear to Mary and Joseph directly? The answer to this question is another example of God showing off, in the best sense of the word. You see these shepherds were not the ordinary run-of-the-mill shepherd. They were actually temple priests who cared for a special flock of sheep used for the Passover celebration and other temple festivals where ceremonial sheep were sacrificed. Each of these sheep were without any blemish or defect. They were as perfect as any sheep could be. Their one and only purpose was to one day be a perfect sacrifice. These perfect sheep were what the priestly shepherds were watching over the night the angels appeared to them. The shepherds knew that one day they would be out of a job when the Messiah, the savior , the son of God would come to earth. They knew he would be the once and for all perfect sacrifice for all mankind. No more sheep. A one and done sacrifice. So no wonder they were excited when the angel appears to them out in their fields around Bethlehem to announce the birth of Jesus. "For there is born to you today, in David's city, a Savior, who is Christ the Lord." Luke 2:11 Time to reflect on the future Mary knew all this, too. The role of these temple shepherds was well-known, So I'm sure Mary would be reflecting upon the similarity between what they cared for, and what she would be caring for. Jesus is described in several places as the "lamb of God." His once and for all sacrifice would replace the system these shepherds were part of. Imagine what it must have been like for Mary, as a teenager knowing that in 33 years the baby you just gave birth to would be offered up by God as a sacrifice to redeem all of mankind. So what does all this mean for YOU? There was certainly no shortage of things for Mary to think about there besides her newborn baby. Lot's of things to treasure and many things to reflect on, mull over, and ponder over and over again. But what about you? What about the role of Jesus in your life do you treasure? What are the layers of your relationships with him, that you think about from time to time? I encourage you to take time to reflect upon this. You know this, I'm sure, but considering questions like these is so much more fulfilling than the other questions we usually ask at Christmas. Closing In closing, I'd also love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to do what Mary did, to take time to reflect on your relationship with Jesus. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. The next time you hear my voice will be on Christmas Day when I read the entire Christmas story from Luke's Gospel. It's only 20 verses. In the meantime don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 207: How to Help the People We Love At Christmas 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All 135: Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy Last week's blog post: The Joy of Christmas Past All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. Donate Please consider donating to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world. You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here. You can also contribute by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

The Thanksgiving holiday will soon be upon us here in the US, so I've been reflecting on what I'm thankful for. And this year I'm thinking about things that goes beyond my family and good health. In considering this, I've come to realize that I'm especially thankful for the stories of others. That's because I've found that the stories of what other people have experienced often lift me out of myself. Listening to what others have been through, both good and bad, and how those experiences shaped them into the person they are today, have a way of neutralizing the difficulties and concerns I'm experiencing. I've got a story for you today that illustrates this principle. A story that happened to me. I hope as you listen to it you too will be encouraged to listen to the stories of others and experience the benefits in doing so. But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Thankful for this story that didn't start well My story starts on a late Friday afternoon at the end of the work week. I was still active full-time in my business, but this particular weekend Janet and I were headed to a missionary care conference in Gull Lake, Michigan. When I got home from the office that day I hurriedly loaded up the car with our luggage, anxious to get on the road for the 4½ hour drive to the conference. Getting there required driving through Chicago during rush hour. Lots of bumper-to-bumper and stop-and-go traffic through the city's congested highways. It was nerve-wracking. We finally reached the conference grounds late at night, registered, and got our room key. As I began unloading the car with the clothes we packed I realized I had left half of them at home. Oh great, I thought. We're going to have to wear the same clothes for the entire weekend. Couple that with the late hour, and the nerve-wracking drive through Chicago, my irritability score was off the charts. It didn't get any better the next morning as I didn't get much sleep that night. Lack of sleep. The long drive through Chicago traffic. No change of clothes all contributed to my over-the-moon crabbiness. A not-so-thankful-start to the day The first scheduled event for Saturday morning was breakfast in the dining hall of the conference center. Janet and I grabbed a tray and made it through the line with our breakfast selections and then looked for a place to sit. I was still feeling so irritable that I didn't was to sit with anyone else attending the conference. It wouldn't be fair to them to sit with someone as crabby as I was that morning. So we spotted a few empty tables in the far reaches of the room and headed there to spend a quiet breakfast away from anyone. It wasn't long though, before I spotted an older man slowly heading toward us with his tray of food. "Oh no. Please no," I thought. He's going to sit with us and we're going to have to eat breakfast together. And we're going to have to talk with him. Yikes! There was no getting around it. There was no place to hide. We were stuck. Thankful for an unusual breakfast companion The elderly man sat down with his tray across the table from me. We exchanged pleasantries, commented on the weather, and then he asked us where we were from. I told him and then following his lead I asked, "How about you? Where are you from?" "I came here from Detroit," but I was a pastor in Canada for many years. I'm retired now," he replied. Hmm, I thought. His answer surprised me a bit because in our brief conversation so far I detected an accent in his speech. He sounded European and not like any Canadian I had ever known. We made more small talk and then I asked him, "You seem to have an accent, European I'm guessing. Were you born there?" "Oh, yes," he said. I was born in Holland and lived there until I was 19 before I moved to Canada," he replied. Hmm, I thought again. I'm guessing our new breakfast companion was probably in his early 80s, which turned on my mental calculator and prompted me to ask another question based on his age and my knowledge of history. Thankful that one question often leads to another "Were you by any chance living in Holland during World War II? I asked. His eyes lit up, and with a smile, he responded with a simple but spirited, "Yes!" I continued with, "And were you still living there when Germany invaded and took over your country?" "I was," he said. By this time in our conversation I suddenly realized I'm talking with someone who was an eyewitness to one of the most significant and awful events of the 20th century. I didn't see it in myself at the time, but my mood took a drastic turn for the better. My irritability escaped from my being like a mouse who flees when he sees a cat in the room. It happened that quickly. "What was that like for you, to be living during the occupation?" "The Nazi soldiers were everywhere, patrolling the streets with their rifles slung over their shoulders. It was a very scary and difficult time for all of us." "Why did you leave Holland when you were 19?" I asked after he finished talking about his wartime experience." Thankful for the humor found in the stories of others "Oh that's a funny story," he said, again with a smile on his face. "The Dutch government was concerned about over-population and that the country couldn't handle the increase in population growth they anticipated. So they offered anyone who would move away a sum of money that was equivalent to about $5,000. After the war in 1945-46, that was a large amount of money. So being 19-years-old and looking for adventure, I grabbed the money and moved to Canada. "As it turned out, the population of Holland grew much larger anyway and there hasn't been any problem with the country keeping up with that growth." "Why did you move to Canada," I asked. "Why not the U.S.?" "Oh, that was an easy decision," our elderly Dutchman replied. "When the Allied forces liberated us after the war in 1945, the Canadian soldiers were much friendlier than the Americans. So that's why I moved to Canada." We all got a good laugh over this part of his story. With that, we finished breakfast and moved to the first session of the conference. I was now completely rejuvenated and thankful for the story of this Dutchman. I don't recall seeing him again the rest of the weekend, but this relational moment we had together over breakfast has stayed with me for many years since. It makes me smile whenever I think of him. Thankful for what we learn from the stories of others My interaction with this World War II-era Dutchman taught me a number of things: All problems are temporary. Even leaving half your clothes at home for a weekend trip Our moods are temporary, too. A good conversation can be a mood-altering experience Asking a simple question to start a conversation is quite powerful Asking a follow-up question is even more powerful. It's the engine that keeps the conversation train rolling down the tracks Being curious about other people has been a source of joy in my life. It's the basis for being a good listener, and a means to deepen relationships. I'm so thankful I majored in history in college and that I still enjoy it. Having a background in history has enriched my life. So what does all this mean for YOU? The next time you're in a bad mood, use your curiosity muscles to listen to someone share one of their life experiences. By drawing them out with follow-up questions it will help lift you out of yourself. It's amazing how that works. Give it a try. Closing In closing, I'd also love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to be curious about other people and to be thankful for their stories. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. Now don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll connect with you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All 185: Thankful for Curious People 063: Six Reasons Why We're Not More Curious About People 165: Nosey People Weaken Relationships; Curious People Strengthen Them The prior and most recent episode 205: How to Have a Meaningful Conversation All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. Donate Please consider making a donation to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world. You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here. You can also make a contribution by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.