9 Chickweed Rage

All of the sudden, out of literally nowhere, Brooke Mac-El-Dee decides to do a whole series based on things you can do (or cannot do) on unicycles. Where we discover that Amos rides a unicycle. I mean, why not? We've never seen him do it before. No one in the comic has ever even mentioned a unicycle even once. But, sure, let's put Amos on a unicycle because it makes sense that he would ride one. I guess? I don't know. This sequence of strips is truly baffling, and certainly annoying. We don't want to spoil the surprise, but one of the things (apparently) you can do on a unicycle is play a theorbo while on a high wire. What is a theorbo, you may be asking? That's a very good question! And there's a reason you do not know what one is, because almost no one knows what one is. It's like a giant medieval guitar. And that -- we suppose -- is why it's funny! Which is to say, it is not funny at all, but at this point in the game, are we really expecting humor? No, we are not. The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode: You can find all of this episode's strips on Instagram by clicking here. We've abandoned Twitter, because it's terrible, but you can now find this episode's strips on Bluesky by clicking here. This derring-don't filled episode includes: Limited Edition sparkling water A reminder of how we do things around here Ironwood Pig Sanctuary Tattoos Swords of bygone eras Doonesbury Mad Max Theorbos Comedy Central Roasts Jiminy Glick Derring-do vs. Derring-don't Tuc Watkins Salads Talk to Us! Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Or maybe you just want someone to talk to? We're on Bluesky: @9ChickweedRAGE.bsky.social. And we're on Instagram: @9ChickweedRage.

Somehow, we limit ourselves to only five strips this episode. Seems impossible, but we actually did it. Brooke (Dillman) found a short run on one topic that, while only five-strips in length, carried all the fury-inducing content of a dozen or more ordinary strips. The journey begins with Ginger (Xiulan's friend whom we met at Xiulan's wedding to Hugh) and Gerald (the guy from the wedding she's now apparently involved with), who is apparently her boss. She seduces him on his own desk and Xiulan walks in on them, informing them that all of the people in the building next door are watching them with binoculars. Neither of them has so much as unbuttoned one button, so they're as covered up as can be, but somehow this behavior is enough to encourage dozens of people to get their binoculars out of their desks (naturally, I suppose?) so they can watch them. Everything gets kicked up a notch when Edda and Amos try to introduce Fleurrie and Sven to Xiulan and Hugh. The simple introduction of couples results immediately in Fleurrie and Xiulan simultaneously sticking their tongues out at each other. Fleurrie adds, while she does so, "Mine's bigger," referring obviously to the size of her husband. Sven then asks Fleurrie about what he thought he heard her say, which was "mine's's bigger," which of course makes no sense and no one would ever say. Fleurrie assures him it was only a typo and the editor caught it. Sven is stunned to discover they have an editor (as are we), so stunned in fact that his eyes point in two different directions. Xiulan then sends a question to Uncle Ethel (Thorax), asking for clarification the apostrophe's in the word "mine's's" which she claims to have heard used recently. But of course no one said "mine's's" around her at all. She types her question to Uncle Ethel on her computer and he responds immediately from his manual typewriter, sending back a single character, which is either a comma or an apostrophe. Neither would work as a punchline, of course, and neither really makes any sense. But that's par for the course in a run of strips where two people talk about a contraction that literally no one said. I mean, what the fuck? The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode: You can find all of the strips either on Twitter by clicking here, or on Instagram by clicking here. This episode, which is bigger than mine's's, includes: The NEETs of the younger generation Yodel the cat Yodeling Whales aren't fish Brisket the dog The Green Egg Are banks companies? Dorothy Parker Bill spikes Little House on the Prairie Lashings Wimpy will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today Rat mites Double entendres Binoculars Voyeurism Talk to Us! Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Or maybe you just want someone to talk to? We're on Twitter: @9ChickweedRAGE. And we're on Instagram: @9ChickweedRage.

For some reason, Edda or Amos (here sometimes referred to as Edna and Otis) has gone through a wormhole and now Polly and Lolly are older. How much older? Well, we think The Master intended them to be some specific age (probably because he couldn't wait for them to reach the age of consent, because he is a monster), but the way they are drawn from strip to strip makes it impossible to tell what age that is. Are they supposed to be in their early 20s? Mid-40's? 30s? Also, is there a reason (other than poor execution of course) that they both now have black hair which is going gray? So very fucking weird. There seems to be no reason for Polly and Lolly to have "time traveled" from an "alternative reality" other than to come raid Edda's closet for dresses. (EDITOR'S NOTE: it's ALWAYS alternate reality, no one has ever said alternative reality...until now.) Of course, daughters wearing their mom's clothes is a regular thing in this strip and it ALWAYS makes the mom mad. For some fucking reason. There is so much creepiness and grossness here that it was upsetting for us, including (but not limited to) the strip about Polly and Lolly as children talking about how they enjoy watching their parents dream about having sex. So, yeah, totally normal shit going on here, guys. Look, on this episode, it probably seems like we're just jumping into the middle of an ongoing story while ignoring the necessary prelude. And in a way we are. But here's the thing: We go back and do the research and Ol' Bee Mac-El-Dee plopped us down here with no real explanation. Because he's Just. That. Good. There's a sequence a couple of weeks before this where Edda is launched off a swing into space, but that's as close to a logical explanation as you're ever going to get in this god-forsaken comic. The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode: You can find all of the strips either on Twitter by clicking here, or on Instagram by clicking here. This episode, which exists in an alternative reality, includes: Running in Griffith Park The Perfect Crime Time-Jumping Edna & Otis Twins Prematurely graying Coors Light "...and twins" commercial Victorian Wasp Waist The Ol' Ben Franklin Weird hands/crab claws The Ring girl Beaver shots Singin' in the Rain Boris Pasternak Alternate realities Little Lord Fauntleroy Playing jacks Improper interrobang usage Mannequin legs Stilts Talk to Us! Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Or maybe you just want someone to talk to? We're on Twitter: @9ChickweedRAGE. And we're on Instagram: @9ChickweedRage.

After becoming convinced that Brooke Mac-El-Dee himself is listening to this podcast, we take a deep dive into his poor history with the ellipsis (and other punctuation). You see, in one strip, he makes a point of "educating" everyone about the use of an ellipsis. According to The Master, it is only used to indicated omitted words. And that is not only not true, it is also not how he has EVER used the ellipsis in his own work. In fact, we're not sure he has used it that way even once. So we go back through the strips we've already discussed and actually count the periods. (So many periods.) We also talk about a handful of strips where he "has fun" with punctuation with "hilarious" results. All in all, a fitting way to end the year. The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode: You can find all of the strips either on Twitter by clicking here, or on Instagram by clicking here. This ..... episode includes: Sneezing Diet Cokes Christmas Back trouble riding a Segway spot-eyed cats semi-colon misuse Ross & Rachel Sam & Diane Katniss & Peeta motorboating Eddie Izzard talks about Englebert Humperdinck Underwood Farms Goat habitrail Goat poop Welcome Back, Kotter Peanuts Comma splice Kilroy Was Here Tiger Beat Leif Garrett Shaun Cassidy William Frawley's pants Mowgli from The Jungle Book The Dark Crystal Talk to Us! Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Or maybe you just want someone to talk to? We're on Twitter: @9ChickweedRAGE. And we're on Instagram: @9ChickweedRage.

Despite repeated mysterious technical difficulties, Brooke and Jeff persevered to bring you the 30th installment of this very important podcast. Was it worth all of the trouble? Of course the answer is no, probably not. But we begin with the aftermath of a date between Gil and Janice, the Nicolette Cignet photographer and Edda's friend and rival from the dance company we met way back in Episode 24: They Wanted You to Model Because of Sitzfleisch Allure. Gil is getting advice from Seth and Mark and tells them that he did not in fact bone Janice at the end of the date (which was their expectation), but instead kissed her on the left corner of her mouth. This move, according to Mark, is akin to "lighting a sensual fuse." Edda doesn't believe it, but Amos tries it and transports them to a series of famous romantic movies. First La Dolce Vita, then From Here to Eternity, Casablanca, It Happened One Night (which Jeff mistakenly places in 1939 instead of 1934, sorry!), before veering to North By Northwest and settling into the Tarzan canon. There are so many Tarzan strips, guys. It's all very, very stupid. But we soldiered on through multiple glitches and made it happen. Just for you! Also, Jeff tries really hard to explain Schrödinger's Cat to make a metaphorical point, only to fail in his explanation and then to fail to remember exactly why he was trying to make the point in the first place. The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode: You can find all of the strips either on Twitter by clicking here or on Instagram by clicking here. This kiss-induced dream episode includes: KU vs. MU Mullets Coup d'etat Bartleby the Scrivener Fletch talks about the filth and gunk Nicolette Sheridan/Nicolette Cignet Kevin Smith George Santos and Steve Bannon Form-fitting turtleneck mini-dress DTF Turtlenecks Ellipses! Ezio Pinza singing "Some Enchanted Evening" from Some Enchanted Evening Records on 78 The Library of Congress Ball-cupping Beavers The Trevi Fountain from La Dolce Vita Gumby Form-Fitting Neck-Brace Turtleneck From Here to Eternity Casablanca It Happened One Night North By Northwest Tarzan Obstetrics Laurel & Hardy Schrödinger's Cat explained so much better than Jeff tried to Talk to Us! Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Or maybe you just want someone to talk to? We're on Twitter: @9ChickweedRAGE

Inspired by the 4th of July (I guess), we go all the way back to the beginning and take a look at the very first Chickweed strips. Brooke Mac-El-Dee comes right out of the gate with Juliette talking with Edda about physical attractiveness and how that's very important to catch a man. Edda at this point is maybe 12, so this is a TOTALLY NORMAL AND APPROPRIATE conversation for a mother to have. But don't worry. Things get WAY MORE inappropriate pretty quickly. Isn't it comforting to know that this horrible comic strip was horrible in exactly the same ways from the beginning? Following up Juliette's lessons in female attractiveness, pre-teenage Edda already expresses what can only be described as Championship Level Body Dysmorphia. Classic Mac-El-Dee! There's a whole Sunday strip about a fly. Twelve-year-old Amos, who looks either drowned or electrocuted or both, spends an entire strip sniffing Edda...at her request of course. Sophia Loren's "bosom" is described as "proud." Edda shames her mother for not getting boned on a date. Then later the two of them celebrate Juliette finding her boyfriend's "button" and "pushing it." Which I suppose means she had sex. Edda encourages Amos to imagine random adults they're looking at naked. So that's totally cool also. And finally we spend about ten solid minutes trying to figure out what "I'll just serve you a colossal jong-jong" means. The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode: Juliette teaches Edda about the necessity of being attractive and Edda expressing her complicated body dysmorphia ARE HERE. A Sunday strip all about a dumb fly and Amos uncomfortably and repeatedly sniffing Edda ARE HERE. Sophia Loren's "proud bosom," Juliette's inability to transform a man into a "gelatinous blob of slavering desire," and Amos showing his leg to some other boys ARE HERE. Juliette talks to Edda about finding and pushing her boyfriend's button, Edda and Amos imagining adult strangers naked, and the famous colossal jong-jong ARE HERE. This gelatinous, colossal episode includes: 4th of July Joey Chestnut Eating harmonicas Christmas Free Will Major League Eating "76 Trombones" from The Music Man Funnel Cakes Pizza Hut P'Zone Dutch ovens Twinkies International waters Barbie dolls Lauren Bacall Muppets Telly the Monster Dorothy Hamill Scent of a Woman and Al Pacino's catchphrase Sophia Loren Slavering Imagining everyone naked Fast Times at Ridgemont High The Colossal Jong-Jong Talk to Us! Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Or maybe you just want someone to talk to? We're on Twitter: @9ChickweedRAGE

Here we are introduced to 60-year-old Arthur Peel and his assistant Nan-Lin Peel (no relation), who is thirty years younger than him. Arthur excuses himself for being a disgusting old man, with a balding head, hair coming out of his ears and nose and eyebrows, wattles, and flapping flesh. These are his descriptions of himself, although Brooke Mac-El-Dee doesn't take the time to actually draw him that way. He is balding, but he has thin, very well groomed eyebrows, no visible wattles and few wrinkles to speak of. He repeats this stuff over and over to Nan-Lin, who seems bored and beaten down by his monologue. (You and us both, sister!) Of course, when Arthur adds that he is in love with her, this changes everything for Nan-Lin, who then literally crawls across a table to kiss him. Arthur, in typical Chickweed style, doesn't understand what's happening or that Nan-Lin wants his wrinkly and flapping Johnson. He looks terrified and concerned for all fourteen (yeah, sorry) of these strips. She even gets up on the table and presents her beave to him. Still, he doesn't fucking understand what's going on. Because...it's funny, I guess? Anyway, she eventually slides into his lap and then they disappear under the table. At this point, we discover that they are in a restaurant. The waiter arrives and is unfazed by their near-fucking in the booth. So much so, he takes their order, and then seats two other guests across from them. These guests, Seth and his boyfriend, don't notice that there's a couple moments away from intercourse across the booth from them. And they begin to make out too. At this point, both couples notice each other. Embarrassed (?) Arthur and Nan-Lin bolt from the restaurant, but not before Arthur gives the waiter a huge tip. The waiter then claims he's in love. Which must be a joke, but isn't funny really. And also makes no sense in any context provided. But what the fuck were we expecting anyway, right? The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode: Arthur talks about his wattles and flapping flesh, Arthur talks about his wattles and flapping flesh AGAIN, and Arthur talks about his wattles but NOT his flapping flesh ARE HERE. Nan-Lin presents her beave, Nan-Lin ends up in Arthur's lap, and Arthur and Nan-Lin end up lying down in a booth in a restaurant ARE HERE. The waiter arrives to take their order, Nan-Lin and Arthur hear the waiter but just keep dry humping, and the waiter seats another couple opposite them ARE HERE. Seth and Mark immediately begin to make out, Seth and Mark notice Arthur and Nan-Lin, and the waiter insists on a big tip ARE HERE. The phrase "get a room" is uttered and the waiter falls in love with giant money ARE HERE. This key party-adjacent episode includes: What is the name of our favorite celebratory march? Cell phones in cars 2008 Mercury Mariner Hybrid Classic moment from The Man With Two Brains. Lou Bega's Mambo No. 5. Brooke's Broadway musical Defibrillator Paper pants MRIs Metal underwear/chastity belts/codpieces Where "Bust a moo" originally came from. Adam Godley "Hot in Herre" by Nelly McEldowney ellipsis Ball wattles Gilbert & Sullivan Classical symphony orgasm Pro-butt/Am-butt 21 Beave Salute Motorboating Laura Ingalls Wilder Turtlenecks Shrek Bluey's "cone of shame!" episode Throuples The Case of the Disappearing Mustache! Scooby Doo Talk to Us! Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Or maybe you just want someone to talk to? We're on Twitter: @9ChickweedRAGE

Edda's modeling career begins when a scout for the famous designer Nicolette Cignet picks Edda from everyone else in her dance company because of her nice butt. Only, Brooke Mac-El-Dee never says "nice butt," he prefers to say "caboose" over and over and over, with a brief digression to "sitzfleisch" from Amos. The twist is that they only want Edda for her butt and they want Janice to be the face. So, even though it makes zero sense, they'll use both of them: Janice's face and Edda's butt. There is no exploration of whose midriff and boobs will make the cut. Which, frankly, is a little surprising. Edda is angry to find out she's Janice's butt double. But showbiz is showbiz, right? The lone photographer sent to shoot this very important ad campaign takes his photos. They are terrible. Along the way, we are subjected to "undie-carriage," "golden hind," "sealing the deal," and "licking their chops." It's super gross. Edda ends up angry about butts, which takes us back around to one of the Thanksgiving strips we looked at, and helps us put in context why Edda was so mad about people saying "butt" all around her. The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode: Edda finds out the Nicolette Cignet people want to talk to her, Seth throws shade at Edda for it, and Seth goes out of his way to use "terpsichorean" are here. Amos says "sitzfleisch" for no good reason, Edda and Janice find out they're both there for the job, and Edda and Janice shit talk each other's butts are here. Edda finds out she's Janice's butt double, Gil explains why the Nicolette Cignet logo can't be seen on a small butt, and Gil sprays Janice with oil and water are here. Gil takes his questionable photos, Edda and Janice talk about ballet being hard, and the truly terrible photo campaign are here. We're introduced to the phrase "undie-carriage" and Edda goes on her Thanksgiving Butt Walk are here. This award-winning, then award-losing episode includes: Heart rates The will to live Urine drinking Willie Nelson The Huggle Neck muscles Steroids Autopsy impressions Rich Little is STILL doing impressions? Fred Travelina "The Way We Were" by Barbra Streisand "Welcome Back Kotter" theme song. Dutch Angle The Terpsichorean Arts Sitzfleisch Cabooses Lobster claws Chaps vs. Shaps Van der Graaf Generator Butt Doubles Body Shaming Coco from Fame Kentucky Fried Chicken Sergio Valente Jeans Cross-Country Travel Transporting Ashes Talk to Us! Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Or maybe you just want someone to talk to? We're on Twitter: @9ChickweedRAGE