A Codependent Mind

This episode is a continuation of the previous episode, S3 - #12 Beyond Codependency - 12 Steps. We discuss steps six through 12. Below are all 12 steps, plus reference to previous episodes that expand on the ideas and actions described by each individual step. 1. I admitted that I was powerful, that my life could be manageable. S1 - #5 Codependency and Lack of Agency S3 - #10 Beyond Codependency - Codependency Revisited 2. I came to believe that human interpersonal relationships are a core feature of an enriching life experience, and that my habitual codependent behaviors were holding me back from having that experience. S1 - #4 Codependency and Narcissism S3 - #4 Beyond Codependency - Relationships S3 - #3 Beyond Codependency - People Pleasing S3 - #9 Beyond Codependency - Caretaking 3. I made a decision to listen to what my emotions are telling me and understand the ways in which I had been avoiding or burying those emotions. S1 - #7 Codependency and Emotional Immaturity 4. I made a searching and fearless inventory of all the relationships in my life, past and present, what effect those people’s behaviors have had on me, and the effects my behaviors have had on those people. S1 - #3 Codependency and Trauma Bonding S2 - #5 Healing Codependency - Loving a Codependent Mind 5. I admitted to another human being that I value and trust the exact nature of those behaviors and relationships, to the best of my ability. S2 - #1 Healing Codependency - Getting Started 6. I was entirely ready to face the shame and fear that I had been burying or avoiding, asking for help from others, when necessary. S1 - #6 Codependency and Shame S2 - #2 Healing Codependency - Emotional Development 7. I searched for the root causes of all my maladaptive behavior patterns and worked on strategies for healing from the effects of those causes. S1 - #1 Codependency - Origins S1 - #2 Codependency and Trauma S3 - #2 Beyond Codependency - Diagnosis The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma - by Bessel van der Kolk M.D. 8. I made a list of all my wants, needs, desires, values and expectations for my life and for my relationships. S2 - #1 Healing Codependency - Getting Started 9. Using that list, I made an honest attempt to look at the big picture of my life to see which of my actions and which of my relationships were or weren’t serving my wellbeing. S2 - #3 Healing Codependency - Re-Writing Stories S3 - #5 Beyond Codependency - Family of Origin 10. I continue to cultivate my ability to recognize what power I have and how I can apply that power to make changes I need to make or accept things I can’t change. S3 - #7 Beyond Codependency - The Serenity Prayer 11. I continue to watch how I use my language, and for the motivations behind my initial reactions to situations or other people’s behaviors, and when they resemble what I understand as codependency, promptly correct myself. S2 - #4 Healing from Codependency - Breaking the Powerlessness Habit 12. Having gained the self-awareness and wisdom that has come from taking these steps, I commit to making all of these new behaviors my habitual behaviors. The paperback, eBook and audiobook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V Thank you for following, liking or reviewing this podcast. It helps other people find the podcast. Find us on Instagram @codependentmind Email: codependentmind@gmail.com

Along with shame and fear, anger and resentment are two challenging emotions for people with codependent habits to deal with. That was certainly the case for Brian. In this episode we explore the differences between anger and resentment, where they come from, how Brian dealt with them in the past and what his approach is now. In this episode:00:01:39 Anger as a 'bad' emotion'00:02:30 Aristotle on emotion00:04:24 Emotions as information00:07:32 Buddha's 'second arrow'00:08:24 Origins of problems with anger00:11:52 Role of anger00:13:05 Codependents, narcissists and anger00:17:50 Anger and resentment00:23:24 Managing resentment The paperback, eBook and audiobook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V Thank you for liking or reviewing this podcast. It helps other people find the podcast. Find us on Instagram @codependentmind Email: codependentmind@gmail.com

One-sided caretaking is a hallmark of a codependent relationship. But caretaking is a natural human instinct. How do you know if the caretaking you are doing is healthy and appropriate or if it is a codependent habit? Get even more guidance in healing from codependency. The paperback, audiobook and eBook is now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V 00:01:13 Healthy Versions of Caretaking00:07:00 Caretaking Gone Wrong00:09:50 Two-sided Caretaking vs One-sided Caretaking00:12:54 Caretaking in Romantic Relationships00:18:36 The Caretaking Instinct00:28:30 Resentment Thank you for liking, reviewing and following. It helps other people find our podcast. Email questions or comments - codependentmind@gmail.com Find us on Instagram @codependentmind.com

The Serenity Prayer is often said at 12-step meetings like Alcoholic Anonymous and even Codependent Anonymous. But it can challenging to enact, especially if you were caught in codependency's web as Brian was. Now that he has recognized and recovered from a lot of his codependent habits, he has a new understanding of and appreciation for it. Serenity Prayer - God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Get even more guidance in healing from codependency. The paperback, audiobook and eBook is now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V Email questions or comments - codependentmind@gmail.com Find us on Instagram @codependentmind.com

In this episode we take the opportunity to talk more about Brian's 'family of origin' and how it had more of an effect on the development of his codependent behaviors than either of us realized. Brian discusses his father's anger issues, his mother's emotional immaturity, and the impact these had on his childhood and later relationships. He also expresses a newfound understanding and empathy for his parents' limitations and a sense of empowerment in how he can navigate his family relationships moving forward. Get even more guidance in healing from codependency. The paperback, audiobook and eBook is now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V 00:01:47 Reluctance to discuss family issues00:05:57 Parental anger00:12:33 Parental depression/codependency00:15:55 Positive family dynamics00:18:12 Lasting effects00:32:24 New understanding Instagram: @codependentmind Email: codependentmind@gmail.com

People pleasing sounds good. Why wouldn't we want the people in our life to be pleased? In this episode we explore the connect between people pleasing and codependency and discuss the problems people pleasing can create if it becomes a habitual response to others. Get even more guidance in healing from codependency. The paperback, audiobook and eBook is now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V 00:02:06 Evolution of people pleasing00:05:38 People pleasing as a strategy to avoid abuse00:08:59 The fawn trauma response00:12:58 Negative consequences00:16:08 People pleasing and intimacy00:21:49 Controlling behavior If you are enjoying this show, please follow, like or review. That will please us ;)

There is a lot of talk about personal boundaries these days - having them, respecting them, enforcing them. But what exactly are personal boundaries? Brian and Stephanie do a deep dive into the concept of boundaries. Get even more guidance in healing from codependency. The paperback, audiobook and eBook is now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V 00:04:53 Back to the boundary basics00:10:22 Boundary violations00:14:20 Misuse of boundaries00:17:29 Boundaries vs wants, needs and expectations00:25:54 Monogamy00:29:12 Boundaries and codependency Find us on Instagram and Facebook @codependentmind

Even after largely healing from the trauma that started Brian down the path of codependency, he was still left with the behaviors that formed in response to that trauma. So although the source of the codependency had been removed, the symptoms, the habituated behaviors, lingered and kept showing up in his relationships in the form of a default sense of powerlessness. In this episode, we discuss what he is doing to finally kick the powerlessness habit.

In honor of Brian's birthday, get the e-book FREE on Amazon from Nov. 14 - Nov. 18. https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency-ebook/dp/B0CYB1K31V In this episode we discuss the steps that Brian took to repair the damage done to his emotional system by abuse and trauma. From capacity building through understanding and now working on mastery, Brian has been able to tame the chaos that has dominated his inner emotional life and learn to trust himself and his emotions. Get even more guidance in healing from codependency. The paperback, audiobook and eBook is now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V 00:02:09 Emotional agency00:03:08 Shame and fear00:04:18 Decision making00:07:10 Healing the emotional substructure00:13:30 Managing shame00:28:31 Capacity building to understanding00:39:50 De-compartmentalization Find us at: https://www.codependentmind.com/

The process of learning what emotions are and how manage them was interrupted for Brian at a very early age by abuse and trauma. Because of that, he never really learned how to identify his emotions or what to do with them. This amounted to emotional immaturity and made it difficult for him to form healthy, intimate relationships and left him vulnerable to further abuse and trauma. Get even more guidance in healing from codependency. The paperback, audiobook and eBook is now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V In this episode: 00:02:29 The term emotional immaturity 00:03:13 Emotional intelligence 00:05:42 Brian’s emotional avoidance 00:09:45 Good vs bad emotions 00:10:42 Emotional dysregulation 00:16:02 Compartmentalization 00:23:56 Emotions as a source of fear 00:27:36 Recap of season 1 Find us at: codependentmind.com

What is involved in the concept of 'personal agency'? How is agency or its lack connected to codependent behaviors? We explore Brian's experience with those questions in mind. Get even more guidance in healing from codependency. The paperback, audiobook and eBook is now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V In this episode:00:02:44 Personal agency defined00:04:51 How it develops/gets interrupted00:07:41 Lack of agency and vulnerability to abuse00:11:45 Codependent behaviors as an expression of powerlessness00:14:13 Codependency and chronic victimhood00:15:45 Moral agency and shame00:19:48 Resentment Thank you for liking or reviewing this podcast. It helps other people find the podcast. Find us on Instagram @codependentmind Email: codependentmind@gmail.com Website: https://www.codependentmind.com/

In this episode, Stephanie and Brian discuss the concept of trauma bonding within codependent relationships, particularly focusing on two of Brian's past romantic relationships characterized by abuse and narcissistic behavior. They highlight the two key ingredients necessary for trauma bonding: a power imbalance and intermittent abuse. Get even more guidance in healing from codependency. The paperback, audiobook and eBook is now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V Brian describes his first partner, referred to as "R," as a successful narcissist who engaged in narcissistic abuse and gaslighting. The abuse focused on undermining Brian's self-esteem and identity, making him feel inadequate and ashamed. Despite the abuse, Brian felt emotionally tied to R, partly due to the intermittent nature of the abuse and the occasional displays of love and care. Stephanie mentions that Brian had financial, social, and intellectual resources, which adds complexity to the question of why he stayed in these relationships. Brian explains that his low self-esteem and lack of agency, developed from early traumatic experiences, led him to believe that he needed to change and fix himself to make the relationships work. In one instance, a therapist suggested a separation period during Brian's first relationship to find himself outside of the abusive dynamic. However, Brian couldn't detach herself from the trauma bond and continued trying to change herself to please his partner. After his first abusive relationship ended, Brian quickly entered into another one that lasted for four years. In this new relationship, He encountered another abusive narcissist, "J", although this person was less socially and emotionally successful, making their flaws more evident to others. There was an initial love bombing phase in both relationships, where Brian received excessive attention, flattery, and compliments. Despite feeling disoriented and recognizing some red flags, Brian struggled to establish boundaries due to his codependency and low self-esteem. J's abuse was somewhat different than R's. It involved explosive coercive language and anger, and featured manipulation and seeking sympathy. Brian describes going into a "turtle shell" during abusive episodes to cope. We discuss how trauma bonding can distort one's sense of self and agency, making it challenging to leave abusive relationships or even recognize the abuse. Brian's experiences highlight the importance of understanding trauma bonds and their profound impact on codependent individuals. 00:00:41 Definition of trauma bonding00:01:31 Key ingredients of a trauma bond00:04:43 Brian’s trauma bond with R00:05:44 Gaslighting explained00:07:42 Brian’s trauma bond with J00:08:50 Love bombing explained00:13:33 How the trauma bond worked00:22:30 The internal battle00:25:51 Shame00:35:18 Trauma bond vs intimacy Thank you for liking or reviewing this podcast. It helps other people find the podcast. Find us on Instagram @codependentmind Email: codependentmind@gmail.com

What is codependency? And from where do codependent behaviors emerge? Every 'codependent' has an origin story. This is Brian's. The paperback, eBook and audiobook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V Our new book is available in paperback, eBook and audiobook format! You, Me & Us: Moving Beyond Relational Trauma and Disorder (Anxious/Avoidant Attachment, Codependency, BPD) to Build a Stable, Lasting Relationship. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0FC6KCKNT * We have learned a lot as we have done this podcast. One thing Brian realized is that he underestimated the impact his parent's behaviors, particularly his father's, had on him. We talk about his father a little in the next episode on Trauma, but if you want to hear his updated thinking on the topic, you can listen to Season 3, episode 5, Beyond Codependency - Family of Origin In this episode: 00:01:41 What is codependency?00:04:47 History of the word00:08:01 Codependency as maladaptive behavior habits00:09:49 Origins of Brian’s codependent behavior habits00:25:44 The specific behaviors that form ’codependency’ Thank you for liking or reviewing this podcast. It helps other people find the podcast. Find us on Instagram @codependentmind Email: codependentmind@gmail.com