ADHD Mums

Have you ever bought the perfect birthday present weeks early, felt properly pleased with yourself, and then lost it before the birthday? Filled in the form, folded the flap, put it somewhere safe on the Sunday — and by Wednesday it had gone? Renewed the passports early, put them in the safe place, and then had no idea where the safe place was?You've been told your problem is that you're disorganised. It isn't. There's a job that piece of paper was doing that nobody ever told you about, and every system you've ever bought only does half of it.Episode's Jane mentioned: ADHD Stress and Emotional Regulation: What Your Kids Noticed That You Didn't— the soccer photo envelope episode this one follows on from → https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/why-are-you-always-so-stressed-out-my-eight-year-old-asked-me-that-an-hour-after-i-called-myself-organised/QUICK RESET: 'I'm Not Lazy — My House Just Doesn't Have a Memory' → https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-49-quick-reset-im-not-lazy-my-house-just-doesnt-have-a-memory/Free Resources:Household Family Meeting Template (free) → https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/Send Jane a voice memo — what did you do early that still disappeared? WhatsApp 0403 457 313 → https://wa.me/61403457313Join the ADHD Mums Facebook group → https://facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcastMentioned in this episodeBarreau, D. & Nardi, B. (1995). Finding and reminding: File organization from the desktop. ACM SIGCHI Bulletin, 27(3), 39–43.All episodes →https://adhdmums.captivate.fm/listen👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox

There's a mum at pickup you really like. Ninety seconds every afternoon, one of those chats where you both go 'yeah, exactly' — and then the kids spill out, someone's swinging a backpack like a helicopter, someone's demanding the petrol station, and you're pulled away before you can even say goodbye. And every day you get back to the car thinking: I should have her over. We should do a barbecue. I'd love to actually talk to her for more than ninety seconds.You got her number in January. It's the end of July. And you've made no progress at all. You've probably already filed that as proof you're flaky, cold, a bad friend. This episode is Jane taking that story apart — because the silence between you and someone you genuinely like usually isn't 'I don't want this.' It's 'I want this, but I have no hands to build it with.'CHAPTERS00:00 — Nat, the 90-second pickup chat, and the barbecue that never happens02:29 — Got her number in January. It's July. No progress.03:57 — 'I'm flaky, I'm cold, I'm a bad friend' — the personality we build around it05:33 — The executive-function tax on turning a pickup mum into a real friend06:36 — It's not that you need to try harder. It might be the fuel tank.07:13 — The mum with the same life who still hosts the perfect Sunday barbecue08:36 — Good girl conditioning: when friendship becomes your job to carry10:45 — When you can't stand the silence — and what your brain files it as12:09 — Why a late-diagnosed brain has had decades to build 'I ruin friendships'14:31 — The flicker of energy, and the threat analysis that kills the text15:54 — The heart-react as a hostage 'proof of life' photo17:35 — Moving to acreage, and quietly deleting myself18:43 — 'I want this, but I have no hands to build it with'20:16 — Why 'just put yourself out there' aims you straight at burnout22:11 — What actually works: the low-fuel, no-apology text23:42 — Drop the bar. Plug a friend into the worst 40 minutes of your week.26:28 — Maybe the skill isn't the barbecue. It's letting friendship be uneven.WHAT WE COVERThe pickup mum you really like, the barbecue you keep meaning to have, and the seven months that have quietly gone byWhy 'I'm flaky, I'm cold, I'm a bad friend' becomes a personality — and what it's actually covering forThe hidden executive-function tax on turning a mum you like into a mum who's actually your friend: remembering, initiating, holding the plan, pushing through the 'what if it's awkward'Why the friend with the same number of kids and the same Saturday sport still hosts the perfect Sunday barbecue — and why it's not that she's better at friendshipGood girl conditioning, and what happens when you learned early that friendship is your job to carry, keep alive, and never dropThe other version — when you can't stand the silence, and your brain files 'haven't heard from them in ages' as dangerThe flicker of energy to send the text, and the threat analysis your brain runs to talk you out of itThe heart-react on her story as a 'hostage proof of life' photo — I'm here, I'm fine, please don't give up on meWhy 'put yourself out there, just make more effort, have them over' is telling you to spend the exact thing you've run out ofWhat actually works with an empty tank: the low-fuel, no-apology text, dropping the bar, and letting the friendship be uneven and survive anywayFREE RESOURCESEnergy Accounting Guide — mentioned in the episode — budget your energy for your real capacity, not what you think you should be doing — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/Household Family Meeting Template — for the load underneath 'there are no leftovers' — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/PAID RESOURCESADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/RELATED EPISODESSchool Pick-Up Can Be Draining! How to Stop Overthinking & Save Your Social Energy — S2 EP65, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-65-school-pick-up-can-be-draining-how-to-stop-overthinking-save-your-social-energy/QUICK RESET: I Cancel Plans Because I Don't Have the Energy to Fake My Personality — S3 EP14, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-14-quick-reset-i-cancel-plans-because-i-dont-have-the-energy-to-fake-my-personality/You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now. — S3 EP35, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/Too Much? Or Just Misunderstood: ADHD, RSD & the Power of Emotional Intensity — S2 EP83, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-83-too-much-or-just-misunderstood-adhd-rsd-the-power-of-emotional-intensity/📬 Listener Questions & Community🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox

Your best friend leaves a box of tampons on your doorstep on the worst day of your fortnight — no fuss, no waiting around, just quietly handling the piece of the nightmare nobody else saw. And you well up. Real tears. And then you wait ten minutes to make sure she's gone before you'll even open the door, delete the thank-you you started typing, and walk off. Because you could not have said it to her face if someone paid you.If you're the woman who leaves a gift on a doorstep and runs, who dodges goodbyes with people she loves, who can't stand inside a thank you — you've probably filed that away as proof you're cold. Broken in the part where you're meant to feel things. This episode is Jane pulling that file back out and finding the opposite: it's not that the love is missing. It might be flooding. Masking, surface acting, and the wall that goes up right where other people let love in — and why every piece of advice you've been given points you the wrong way.CHAPTERS00:00 — Twenty-one, on an Emirates training flight, and my face is the problem01:34 — Learning the Barbie-princess smile in the mirror02:32 — The box of tampons, and the door I couldn't open04:45 — Ten minutes, a deleted text, and walking off in tears05:31 — The filing cabinet: 'there's something wrong with me,' opened at 2am06:22 — The goodbyes I swerve, the thank-yous I can't stand in07:43 — 'I'm not cold. I cried over a box of tampons.'08:33 — The real problem: a feeling with no volume control08:56 — What was actually happening on those flights13:46 — Surface acting: the sociologist who studied this in 198316:05 — Two settings — perform the okay face, or leave18:49 — Why every piece of 'just be present' advice fails someone like me20:55 — The therapy this is secretly built on — ACT, and acting on what you value23:00 — The moment was never the love. The tampons mattering that much was.25:04 — What I'd do differently: feel it, then send something real by text26:50 — You get to love people in your own wayWHAT WE COVERThe Emirates training flight where Jane was told, over and over, that her technically-perfect service didn't matter — her face didLearning to perform the 'Barbie princess' smile in the mirror, and what years of that installs in a nervous systemThe box of tampons on the doorstep — one of the kindest things anyone's ever done for her — and why she waited for her friend to leave before she'd open the doorThe 2am filing cabinet labelled 'there's something wrong with me,' and the subtheme she found inside itThe goodbyes she actively swerves, the gifts she leaves 'like a robber,' and the years of reading all of it as proof she's coldThe reframe: it was never a missing feeling — it's a feeling that arrives with no volume control, like a flood, with nowhere safe to show itWhat was really happening on those flights — the workers, the conditions, the smiling over something that was not fine — and how surface acting burns you outWhy every piece of standard advice — slow down, be present, make eye contact, receive it properly — aims you straight at the exact thing your body evacuates for a reasonThe evidence-based therapy this is secretly built on, and the one shift inside it that changes everythingWhat Jane would do differently now — and the real, texted, kitchen-bench version of 'thank you' that works for a nervous system like hersFREE RESOURCESADHD Physical Health & Emotional Wellbeing Kit — for the emotional-regulation and burnout side of years of masking — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-physical-health-emotional-wellbeing-kit/Energy Accounting Guide — for the cost of surface acting, day after day — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/PAID RESOURCESADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/RELATED EPISODESToo Much? Or Just Misunderstood: ADHD, RSD & the Power of Emotional Intensity — S2 EP83, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-83-too-much-or-just-misunderstood-adhd-rsd-the-power-of-emotional-intensity/An RSD Story. Taking My Own Advice — S1 EP9, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/an-rsd-story-taking-my-own-advice-s1-ep9/You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now. — S3 EP35, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/Masking & ADHD — S1 EP11, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/masking-adhd-s1-ep11/REFERENCES & FURTHER READINGOn 'surface acting' — the 1983 flight-attendant research: Hochschild, A. R. (1983). The Managed Heart: Commercialization of Human Feeling. University of California Press.On Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): an evidence-based therapy built on acting in line with your values rather than waiting to feel the 'right' feeling first. The most widely used plain-language ACT resource in Australia is Dr Russ Harris's The Happiness Trap.📬 Listener Questions & Community🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox

For thirty years, ADHD has had one wanted poster. Loud, can't sit still, disrupting the class, talking back — a boy. And you weren't him. So you walked past every checkpoint in your life — the GP, the teachers, the report cards, the parent-teacher nights — and nobody stopped you. Maybe someone said you were bright, you just needed to apply yourself. Maybe you got 'conscientious' on every report card. And conscientious doesn't go with ADHD, does it?Three different women can all have ADHD. All three can walk straight past that same poster on the wall, and not one of them gets stopped — because not one of them looks like the sketch. This episode is Jane putting three new posters up: the inattentive mum told to try harder, the 'too much' mum who apologises for her personality before she's said a word, and the 'fine' mum everyone leans on who's hanging off a cliff on the inside. See if you find your own face on the wall.Take the self-test: https://preview.mailerlite.io/forms/768431/173992641938064622/shareChapters 00:00 — The one wanted poster ADHD has had for thirty years01:25 — Three women, one poster, and why none of them get stopped02:17 — Who drew the poster — and why the quiet ones were never in the sketch03:54 — One Monday morning, one clock, four different mothers04:32 — The neurotypical mum, and where the difference actually shows up05:54 — Profile 1: the inattentive mum, told her whole life to try harder07:36 — The planner graveyard — six apps, four planners, three years of fresh starts08:17 — Profile 2: the mum who's always been 'too much'09:12 — Apologising for your personality before the conversation starts09:39 — The drive home, and the tape that runs every single time11:00 — Profile 3: the mum everyone says is 'fine'11:50 — 'I don't know how you do it' — and why it doesn't land as a compliment12:54 — Why she only rests when her body reaches up and stops her13:35 — The real reason so many of us slipped through — it didn't cost anyone else15:07 — If you've just been diagnosed: the relief, the grief, and what you can put down15:56 — How we actually redraw the posterWhat We CoverThe single wanted poster ADHD has been diagnosed against for thirty years — and why your face was never on itWhy 'conscientious' on every report card was a signal everyone read backwardsOne ordinary Monday school run, four mothers, one clock — and the four completely different mornings happening behind the same front doorsProfile 1, the inattentive mum: the permission slip she looked at on four separate nights, and why no planner, app or alarm has ever heldThe difference between a neurotypical mum forgetting the form and an ADHD mum forgetting it — it's not the forgetting, it's what happens nextProfile 2, the 'too much' mum: the verbal hyperactivity nobody put on a poster, and the tape that runs on every drive homeWhy apologising for your own personality before you've started talking should be a diagnostic tick in its own rightProfile 3, the mum everyone calls 'fine': the one who looks the most together and is the closest to the edge, and why 'I don't know how you do it' makes her feel more aloneThe uncomfortable answer to why so many of us went undiagnosed — not because our ADHD was lighter, but because it only ever cost usWhat there is to feel if you've been diagnosed late — the relief, the grief for what might have been — and the part of it you're allowed to put downHow the poster actually gets redrawn, and the one small thing that starts itFree ResourcesPreparing for Diagnosis — for the 'oh, that's me' moment, and what to do next — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/preparing-for-diagnosis/After Your Diagnosis Kit — for the relief-and-grief part, if you've already been diagnosed — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mum-after-diagnosis-kit/Paid ResourcesPre-Diagnosis Workbook — the deeper 'get clear before you spend money on an assessment' version — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/prediagnosisworkbook/Assessment & Diagnosis Bundle — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/bundle-adhd-diagnosis-assessment-guides/Related EpisodesToo Much? Or Just Misunderstood: ADHD, RSD & the Power of Emotional Intensity — S2 EP83, Jane solo — the deep dive on the 'too much' profile — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-83-too-much-or-just-misunderstood-adhd-rsd-the-power-of-emotional-intensity/ADHD or PTSD? Why So Many Women Are Misdiagnosed — S2 EP82, with Amanda Moses — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-82-adhd-or-ptsd-why-so-many-women-are-misdiagnosed-with-amanda-moses/ADHD Mum: What You Need to Know After Your Diagnosis — S2 EP55, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-55-adhd-mum-what-you-need-to-know-after-your-diagnosis-solo-episode-with-jane-mcfadden/📬 Listener Questions & Community🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox

The mental load starts as the thing you can laugh about — the admin, the medal for mowing the lawn. And then, somewhere underneath it, it stops being funny. It's the sentence that comes out of your mouth before you can stop it: 'would you mind having the kids on Saturday so I can get a haircut' — asking the other parent for their own children like you're lodging annual leave with HR. It's 'they were so good while you were gone,' and knowing 'good' meant nobody got fed. It's being so tired of being the only adult in the building that you stop being angry and just go quiet.This is Part 3, the last in the series, and it's the heavy one. It begins with a laugh and then it lets that laugh go. This one is for you, on your own, with your headphones in — and if you're right on the edge of exasperation today, Jane's honest recommendation is that you save this one for another day. Built entirely from what you wrote in. Support links are in the notes below.CHAPTERS00:00 — The last one. It starts funny, then it doesn't.00:44 — 'I shouldn't have to book my own kids in like it's annual leave'01:37 — Watch where the school emails go — and the 11-day anaphylaxis email03:37 — 'It was so easy while you were gone.' Was it though?05:41 — The 7am text from Cassie, and what Jane wrote back without thinking07:32 — 'I'm not even angry anymore. I'm just so tired of being the only adult.'07:46 — The nine-year-old asked to regulate himself while the 39-year-old isn't11:33 — The question underneath all of it: are these women still with them?12:37 — 'Supportive of what?' — when the pat on the back keeps you carrying it14:39 — The economy of gratitude — his effort is a gift, yours is the weather15:03 — 'He's cheaper than hiring someone' — the accounting that holds women in place16:58 — Why this lands twice as hard on an ADHD mum — the load that has no gender, and the one that does20:52 — Why leaving isn't the easy answer, and the thing nobody says about single-mother poverty22:38 — This series was never mine. It was yours.What We CoverThe sentence so many women said comes out of their mouths and they don't know how they got there — asking the other parent to mind their own kidsWhere the pattern hides in plain sight — whose inbox the school actually emails, and the 11-day reply to an anaphylaxis email that says everything'It was so easy while you were gone' — what 'good' actually meant, and where the bar for care got leftThe 7am text from a friend that Jane laughed at before she worried, and the moment it turned from a joke into something realThe messages about children being asked to manage their emotions while a grown adult in the same house isn't — and what it costs the kid who gives up on a parentThe question that started sitting under every message — are these women still with their partners, and if it's this hard, why do we stay?'Supportive of what?' — the uncomfortable idea that the comfort itself might be the thing keeping you carrying all of itA sociologist's phrase you can't unhear — why his effort gets thanked and yours becomes the weatherWhy this exact load lands twice as hard on an ADHD mum — the part that has no gender, and the part that absolutely doesThe honest, un-tidy truth about why leaving isn't a clean answer — and the structural thing nobody wants to name🆘 SupportIf anything in this episode landed close to home, you don't have to sit with it alone.1800RESPECT — national domestic, family and sexual violence counselling — 1800 737 732, or 1800respect.org.au (24/7, free, confidential).Lifeline — 13 11 14, or lifeline.org.au (24/7 crisis support).If you're not sure whether what you're experiencing 'counts,' you can still call. They will talk it through with you.Free ResourcesHousehold Family Meeting Template — for the 'hand over a whole job, not a favour' conversation this episode is really about — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/Related EpisodesThe Admin Husband: 'Do We Have Parmesan?' — Part 1 —https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/mental-load-do-we-have-parmesan-cheese-he-was-standing/id1686843092?i=1000777917338The Gold Medal Husband: 'Did You See the Lawn?' — Part 2https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/mental-load-he-mowed-the-lawn-once-and-wanted-to-know-if-you-saw-it/I Love My Family… But I'm So F**king Angry (Mum Rage Part 1) — S2 EP84 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-84-i-love-my-family-but-im-so-fking-angry-mum-rage-part-1/What We Wish Our Partners Knew About the Mental Load — And How to Truly Support Us — S2 EP75 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-75-what-we-wish-our-partners-knew-about-the-mental-load-and-how-to-truly-support-us/References & Further ReadingHochschild, A. R. (1989). The Second Shift: Working Families and the Revolution at Home. Viking.(The 'economy of gratitude' Jane cites — whose effort reads as a gift to be thanked, and whose reads as the background running of the house.)Also relevant — the cognitive/mental load framework underpinning the whole series:Daminger, A. (2019). The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), 609–633. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419859007📬 Listener Questions & Community🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox

The mental load is not the doing. Everyone thinks it's the doing. It's the buy now, pay later maths you run when your partner tells you to rest — the hour you lie down and spend the whole hour calculating what this hour is costing you tomorrow. It's being the default parent, the one whose invisible labour only gets noticed the second it stops. And then, into that, walks the one who did the single most visible job in the house and needs you to see it. He mowed the lawn. He unpacked the dishwasher. Once. And he's standing in the middle of the kitchen, glowing, waiting for the medal.CHAPTERS00:00 — 'You rest, take a load off' — and why every woman's shoulders just went up01:35 — Buy now, pay later: what an hour of rest actually costs you02:39 — Dani, patron saint of this episode, and her four voice memos03:19 — Kat's dishwasher, the border collie, and the dead bird at your feet04:06 — 'Did you see the lawn?' The line that named the whole episode06:37 — The barbecue vasectomy story (you'll want to sit down)08:31 — The 3am texts, where it stops being funny — the wet bed, his one turn09:42 — 'I'm stressed about the mess. What are you going to do about it?'11:04 — The head lice question that broke everyone: 'or did you just decide that?'12:15 — Why is it always her? Susan Walzer, 1996, and thinking vs doing12:38 — He doesn't just do less. He's reading a different ledger.13:33 — Why this isn't gaslighting — and why that makes it harder to fix15:31 — What doesn't work: the chart, the PowerPoint, the tagging him in articles15:50 — What actually works: handing over whole domains, not tasks17:20 — How same-sex couples split it, and why they had to do it out loud19:55 — 'You're a bit of a perfectionist' — what he actually means when he says itWhat We CoverWhy 'you rest, I've got it' makes every woman's shoulders climb up around her ears — and the brutal maths hiding inside that hour of 'rest'The border collie, the dead bird, and the exact face a partner makes when he's unpacked the dishwasher once and needs you to noticeThe listener line that named this whole episode — and what she really wanted to say backThe barbecue vasectomy story, which has to be heard to be believed, and what six women two metres away were actually doing while he told itThe 3am texts, where the funny runs out — the wet bed and the one night it was his turn, and what he suggested instead of changing the sheetsThe head lice question that undid everyone — three little words that turned a job she'd been doing for three months into something she'd apparently inventedWhy it's her doing the tracking, the meds, the mattress — a piece of 1996 research, and a newer one that's sharper and more unsettlingWhy he isn't lying and isn't gaslighting when he says the house is fine — he's genuinely reading a different ledger, and that's the bit that's hard to fixThe three things that don't work (you've tried all three), and the one thing that does — and it isn't a better chore chartWhat a man actually means when he calls you a perfectionist — this one's going on a tea towelFree ResourcesHousehold Family Meeting Template — the closest thing to the 'hand over whole domains' conversation this episode is really about — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/Paid ResourcesPre-Diagnosis Workbook — for the mum who's listening to this and starting to wonder about herself — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/prediagnosisworkbook/ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/Related EpisodesThe Admin Husband: 'Do We Have Parmesan?' — Part 1 of this series —https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/adhd-invisible-load/ What We Wish Our Partners Knew About the Mental Load — And How to Truly Support Us — S2 EP75 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-75-what-we-wish-our-partners-knew-about-the-mental-load-and-how-to-truly-support-us/Making the Invisible Mental Load Visible: How to Share the Load Without the Stress (Part 3) — S2 EP73 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-73-making-the-invisible-mental-load-visible-how-to-share-the-load-without-the-stress-part-3/The Invisible Job: Being the One Who Holds Everything Together — S3 — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-invisible-job-being-the-one-who-holds-everything-together/References & Further ReadingWalzer, S. (1996). Thinking About the Baby: Gender and Divisions of Infant Care. Social Problems, 43(2), 219–234. https://doi.org/10.2307/3096999(The 1996 study Jane cites — women do the thinking, men do the doing.)Daminger, A. (2019). The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), 609–633. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419859007(The four stages: anticipate, identify, decide, monitor — decision-making is shared, everything else falls on women.)On same-sex couples splitting cognitive labour more evenly:Pinho, M. & Gaunt, R. (2023). The management of cognitive labour in same-gender couples. PLoS ONE. (Same-gender couples negotiate the division explicitly rather than defaulting.)On the newer 'different perceptions of the same household' research:Weeks, A. C. & Ruppanner, L. (2024). A typology of US parents' mental loads: Core and episodic cognitive labor. Journal of Marriage and Family. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.13057📬 Listener Questions & Community🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox

The mental load is the thing you couldn't name for years — the invisible mental load that means one adult in the house knows when library day is and one adult keeps asking. The one who anticipates, identifies, decides, and monitors, and the one who stands next to the dishwasher and shouts through to the lounge room to ask if it's clean. You've known the pattern for years. You've done the therapy. You've read the book. You've made the 1.2-metre colour-coded family planner. And he still texts you from home, from within arm's reach of the fridge, to ask about the Parmesan.This week the ADHD Mums Facebook group broke open. So many messages, voice notes, and 4am DMs from women hiding in their own ensuites that Jane's had to split it into three episodes. This is Part 1 — the Admin Husband. Part 2 is the Gold Medal Husband next week. Part 3 is coming.CHAPTERS00:00 — The Facebook post that broke the internet00:27 — Lisa. 4am. From inside her own ensuite. Husband asleep in the next room.01:23 — Please stop asking us what time school pickup is02:03 — Renee: 'I made the calendar. I bought the calendar. I put it up. I synced it to your phone.'03:32 — Do men use Siri? A serious question.04:59 — The 1.2-metre colour-coded family planner he walks past every single day06:47 — He texts her the address of the program she set up, booked, paid for and drives to every week09:26 — Parmesan. He's at the fridge. She's in Adelaide.10:55 — The T-shirt drawer that hasn't moved in three years12:20 — The 36-minute toilet holiday, and what he's actually doing in there14:18 — Alison Daminger's four stages of the mental load — and which one he only turns up for16:35 — Affordance perception: he isn't ignoring the crumbs. He genuinely can't see them.19:16 — Same-sex couples don't do this. Which tells you something.21:53 — 'Accidentally, lovingly raising the next man to look at a bench and just see a bench.'22:36 — 'Just ask me if you need help.' Why that sentence is worse than no help.What We CoverThe Facebook post that unleashed more DMs and voice notes than anything else on the show — including one from a woman messaging at 4am from inside her own ensuite while her husband slept in the next roomWhat Renee has done to try and stop her husband asking her what's on today for the seventh time before 9am — and why none of it workedThe 1.2-metre colour-coded family planner one member has installed on her wall. Her husband walks past it every single day. He hasn't looked at it once. She's been tracking.Why he can find the remote. Why he can conduct a full detective investigation into a missing beer. And why the billboard is invisible.The Parmesan text. From another state. Not a rhetorical device — a real message.A sociologist who broke the mental load into four stages, and the one stage he actually turns up forTwo philosophers on why your partner isn't lying when he says he doesn't see the bench. He's not seeing it the way you're seeing it — and this is the bit that stopped Jane in her tracksWhat the research on same-sex households is actually telling us — and it's not that men's brains are differentThe 36-minute toilet holiday. The medical event. What he's really doing in there.Why answering him when he shouts through from the kitchen is the exact thing that keeps you SiriThe sentence a Facebook group member said out loud that Jane hasn't been able to stop thinking about since — 'I'm accidentally, lovingly raising the next man to look at a bench and just see a bench'Free ResourcesHousehold Family Meeting Template — for moving off stage-three-only and onto shared stages one and two — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/The ADHD Mums Facebook Group — where this whole episode came from, and where Part 2 and 3 are being built right now — https://facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcastPaid ResourcesADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/Related Episodes (the mental load / invisible labour series)The Invisible Job: Being the One Who Holds Everything Together — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-invisible-job-being-the-one-who-holds-everything-together/The Invisible Coordination Load: Why ADHD Mums Carry the Work Systems Won't — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-invisible-coordination-load-why-adhd-mums-carry-the-work-systems-wont/The Hidden Cost of Being the Good Girl — How the Mental Load Became Ours — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-hidden-cost-of-being-the-good-girl-how-the-mental-load-became-ours/References & Further ReadingDaminger, A. (2019). The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), 609–633. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419859007Affordance perception — a framework from ecological philosophy (originating with James J. Gibson, developed further in gender and household-labour applications). This is a philosophical framework, not a clinical psychology finding. Cited as one lens that fits the pattern, not as a settled explanation.📬 Listener Questions & Community🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox

You know good girl conditioning because you've lived it. The self-editing. The 'whatever you want.' The 'I don't mind.' You spent your twenties in the wrong careers and your thirties in therapy, and you're still catching yourself doing it in your forties. And now you're watching your neurodivergent daughter start — the compliant one, the helpful one — and you don't know how to name it, let alone stop it.CHAPTERS00:00 — What the good girl actually loses (and nobody in the room notices)02:16 — Interoception: the missing piece for a whole generation of mums03:52 — Why you picked the worst careers and environments for you06:35 — The nervous system cost nobody counts — going to the toilet on a bell09:50 — The moment you edited yourself out before anyone even noticed10:47 — Rachel's grade one birthday party, and what her mum saw12:32 — The mum rage that arrived when it was her daughter's turn15:14 — The four scripts that work better than any book or worksheet19:17 — What we're actually reinforcing when we praise 'easy' behaviour19:52 — The girls who look calm in the front row and panic on the inside22:00 — The pool. The water slide. The moment Jane couldn't watch it anymore28:03 — 'I don't mind' — the one thing every mum needs to understand about itWhat We CoverThe one thing every good girl loses first, and it's not confidence — it's the ability to feel what's happening inside her own bodyWhy you picked the worst possible jobs, cities and relationships in your twenties, and never once asked yourself the question that would have saved youWhat Rachel's mum watched her do at her own sixth birthday party — and the template it set for the next thirty yearsThe moment Rachel had to physically walk out of her own daughter's bedroom before she said something she couldn't take backWhy the kids who need therapy aren't always the ones throwing chairs — sometimes they're the ones with their hand up in the front rowThe scene at the pool that Jane couldn't unsee, and what she did about it that nobody in the group was going to likeWhat we're actually rewarding when we praise the easy child, and what it costs her by fourteenThe four short scripts Rachel uses with her own kids that work better than any worksheet — and why role play beats reading a book every time'I don't mind.' The one thing you need to understand about what's happening inside her when she says itFree ResourcesHousehold Family Meeting Template — the mental load, and getting things off one shoulder — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/Explaining ADHD to Kids Guide — for the identity work with your daughter — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/explaining-adhd-to-kids-parents-guide/Guest LinksRachel Seiler — Play therapist and counsellor, All Kids Counselling (Queensland). Sessions available Australia-wide via Zoom.All Kids CounsellingRelated Episodes (start here if the good girl language is new to you)You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now. — S3 EP35 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/The Hidden Cost of Being the Good Girl — How the Mental Load Became Ours — S3 — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-hidden-cost-of-being-the-good-girl-how-the-mental-load-became-ours/Stop People-Pleasing: The ADHD Mum's Guide to Boundaries, Balance, and Breaking Free — S2 EP50 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-50-stop-people-pleasing-the-adhd-mums-guide-to-boundaries-balance-and-breaking-free/The Emotional Load of Raising Neurodivergent Girls and How to Lighten It — S3, with Katie Koullas — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-25-the-emotional-load-of-raising-neurodivergent-girls-and-how-to-lighten-it/📬 Listener Questions & Community🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook GroupFor community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it.https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast

It's 10:15 on a Sunday night. You've come out to the kitchen to rinse one pot. One. And now you're just standing there, not touching it — because the second you stopped moving, it started. The permission slip. The referral. Was it orange day. The group chat you didn't answer. The dog bowl. And underneath all of it, the thought that always turns up: what's wrong with you, everyone else can do this.So you do the breathing. Four in, hold four, four out. Name it. I'm feeling anxious.And nothing happens.What We CoverThe Sunday-night sink — 40 thoughts arriving at once, none of them actually dangerousWhy the breathing didn't work, and why that isn't a you-problem — even I've been paid to teach this and still couldn't breathe it downThe two kinds of racing thoughts, and how to tell them apart in about four secondsThe shelf — why yours is smaller, why it won't file, and why the dog bowl and the electricity bill are screaming at exactly the same volumeWhat the friend who 'just handles everything' actually has that you don'tThe fire blanket problem — what happens when the whole wellness industry hands you one tool and tells you it works on everythingThe one question to ask instead: is something actually wrong, or is it everything at once?Why the too-much kind doesn't want calming — it wants emptyingWhat you're really doing when you keep the TV on, scroll till your eyes shut, and say you 'just can't switch your brain off'Free ResourcesThe Energy Accounting Guide — mentioned in the episode — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/Household Family Meeting Template — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/Paid ResourcesADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/Related EpisodesQUICK RESET: No, I Can't Meditate. I'm Too Busy Disassociating. — S3 EP47 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-47-quick-reset-no-i-cant-meditate-im-too-busy-disassociating/When You Can't Relax Even When It's Quiet — What Your Body Is Doing and Why — S3 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/why-adhd-mums-cant-relax/Anxiety & ADHD — S1 EP37, with Jessica Burgess — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-37-anxiety-and-adhd-with-jessica-burgess/📬 Listener Questions & Community🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook GroupFor community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it.https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast

Have you ever stood at the sink at nine o'clock at night, kids asleep, house finally quiet, and had a friend text you how are you going? — and found nothing there? Not sad. Not fine. Just nothing. You could have told her exactly how the kids were, what's on tomorrow, what your hubby's up to, what's happening with the school term. But you, the actual person underneath running all of it — you went looking for her and she wasn't in.There's a name for that. It's not the exhaustion everyone talks about. It's the other one.What We CoverWhat I found on my phone when I watched the video back — and why my first thought was who let me out like thatWhy standing at the edge of the handball court at seven and standing at the edge of the room at thirty-eight are the same thing wearing a different outfitThe reason nobody taught you to mask, and nobody had toWhat it actually costs you — not the tiredness, the other thing, the one that has a researcher's name on itWhy 'good girl' was the best deal you were ever offered, and the worst oneWhat's actually happening the moment you say go on, give your auntie a hug — and why you say it even though you'd fight anyone who tried it on youThe two things that decide what a mask really costs you — and why most neurotypical mums are paying almost nothing for theirsWhy staying in burnout can feel safer than being looked after, and what that has to do with lunchtime at schoolWhere I'm starting, given that taking it off for myself is still too hardFree ResourcesEnergy Accounting Guide —https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/Paid ResourcesMeltdown & Shutdown Guidehttps://adhdmums.com.au/product/navigating-meltdowns-strategies-for-parents/Related EpisodesYou Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now. — S3 EP35 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/What Is Underneath the Mask? Uncovering Who You Are After Diagnosis — S2 EP17, with Tanya Hicks — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-17-underneath-the-mask-uncovering-who-you-are-after-diagnosis/References & Further ReadingCage, E. & Troxell-Whitman, Z. (2019). Understanding the Reasons, Contexts and Costs of Camouflaging for Autistic Adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 49(5), 1899–1911. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-018-03878-xCage, E., Di Monaco, J. & Newell, V. (2018). Experiences of Autism Acceptance and Mental Health in Autistic Adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 48(2), 473–484. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3342-7📬 Listener Questions & Community🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook GroupFor community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it.https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast

You did the envelope early. You had the cash inside. You booked the babysitter. You had three adults on deck for one soccer game. And by the time you got to the car park, you were at 3% battery, panting, holding someone else's dog, and your son had his shirt over his head pretending to be a turtle.You'd done everything right. And it still looked like you hadn't done anything at all.What We CoverThe pride that hits when you do something early — and what happens the second you let yourself relax because of itWhat your eight-year-old is actually asking when he says 'why are you always so stressed out' — and why the real answer isn't one you can give him in a car parkThe thing that runs quietly in the background for neurotypical brains that yours is doing by hand, every day, and why no one can see the costWhy 'me too, I lost my keys once' will never land the way they think it does — and what makes theirs a story and yours a SaturdayWhat happens when two ADHD parents are both losing things in the same house on the same morning — and neither of them knows the other one hasWhy the woman who filled out the form a week early is the same woman who wrote the wrong email address — and which one people rememberFree ResourcesHousehold Family Meeting Template — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/Energy Accounting Guide — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/Paid ResourcesNavigating School Pick-Up & Social Settings — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/surviving-school-pick-up/Related EpisodesS3: I'm Not Lazy — My House Just Doesn't Have a Memory — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-49-quick-reset-im-not-lazy-my-house-just-doesnt-have-a-memory//S2: Executive Function Challenges in ADHD (with Claire Britton) — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-31-executive-function-challenges-in-adhd-strategies-for-success-with-claire-britton/S3: The Advanced ADHD + Neurodivergence Myths Busted — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-4-the-advanced-adhd-neurodivergence-myths-busted/📬 Listener Questions & Community🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook GroupFor community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it.https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast

Have you ever made a deal with yourself at the end of a really bad week — that's it, I'm not doing it anymore, I'm only doing what he does — and then washed up three times by Tuesday without noticing? Have you ever bought him something mid-fight when you were supposed to be on strike? Have you ever lost it because your nine-year-old defended his dad by pointing out he did one load of washing, as if that was the bar?I couldn't stop thinking about a listener who did all three in one week. I texted a friend about her. I went for coffee and talked about her. I followed up to find out what happened. What she said next, I genuinely did not see coming.What we coverHave you ever declared you're done, you're not doing it anymore, and then found yourself doing it anyway — and genuinely not noticed until it was doneThe thing your body does mid-fight that looks like making up but isn't — and why it fires even when you're the one who's angryWhy your hands win the war three times before lunch — and the one-second move that interrupts itWhy the guilt fires when you stop, not when you're drowning — and what guilt is actually doing in your houseWhat your daughter learns watching a 40-year trained adult put something down — no speech neededThe slam tour — passive-aggressive cleaning, the self-cleaning oven moment, and what we're really hoping he'll seeWhy your body won't sleep even when everything is fine — and the scientific name for itThe question to ask yourself the next time your hands move before your brain does: am I doing this because I want to, or am I scared of what'll happen if I don'tFree resourcesHousehold Family Meeting Template — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/Energy Accounting Guide — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/Paid resourcesADHD Reset Workbook — Values, Energy & Planning — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-planner-and-values/Related episodesEP81 — The Hidden Cost of Being the 'Good Girl' — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-hidden-cost-of-being-the-good-girl-how-the-mental-load-became-ours/S2 EP84 — Mum Rage Part 1 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-84-i-love-my-family-but-im-so-fking-angry-mum-rage-part-1/S2 EP85 — Mum Rage Part 2 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-85-real-tools-for-real-rage-mum-rage-part-2real-tools-for-real-rage-mum-rage-part-2/S4 EP1 — Who Am I If I Stop Being in Service — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/1-season-4-launch-who-am-i-if-i-stop-being-in-service-to-everyone-in-my-life/S3 EP35 — You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/S3 — Can't Sit Down Until Kitchen's Done — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/cant-sit-down-ktichen/📬 Listener Questions & Community🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook GroupFor community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it.https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcastReferences:Baumeister, R. F., Stillwell, A. M., & Heatherton, T. F. (1994). Guilt: An interpersonal approach. Psychological Bulletin, 115(2), 243–267.Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.Wood, W., & Neal, D. T. (2007). A new look at habits and the habit–goal interface. Psychological Review, 114(4), 843–863.

Have you ever been on medication, done all the things, prepped, pre-scheduled, and still lost the plot completely — and then spent the drive home wondering if the medication is even working? Have you ever gone back to your GP and said 'I'm still losing it' and walked out with a higher dose, a different script, or a referral — and none of it touched the actual problem? Have you ever thought maybe I'm just broken in a way that medication can't reach?You're not. But nobody told you there were two layers — and this episode is the one that explains why no dose adjustment has ever closed that gap.What we coverThe layer that medication actually works on — and the layer it was never built to touchWhy you can be on the right dose of the right stimulant and still slam the car door for forty-five minutesWhat happens in a 10-minute GP appointment when you say 'I'm still struggling' — and why the answer you keep getting might be solving the wrong problemWhy chasing this gap with more medication can mean you end up on too much of the right thing because you're asking it to do the wrong jobThe question to sit with for a week before you go back to your specialistWho actually benefits from the story that medication is the whole answer — and who doesn'tQuick note — I share my own experience here, not medical advice. For anything about your medication or dose, your GP or specialist is the right person to askFree resourcesEnergy Accounting Guide — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/Paid resourcesADHD Reset Workbook — Values, Energy & Planning — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-planner-and-values/Related episodesThis is Part 4 of the Mum Rage series. Start at Part 1.Mum Rage EP1 — 3 Reasons ADHD Mum Rage Feels Like It Came Out of Nowhere — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/3-reasons-adhd-mum-rage-feels-like-it-came-out-of-nowhere-it-didnt/Mum Rage EP2 — Why the advice doesn't work — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/mum-rage-2/Mum Rage EP3 — The delayed version (sunburn/interoception) — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/mum-rage-3/S2 EP84 — Mum Rage Part 1 (Jacinta Thomson) — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-84-i-love-my-family-but-im-so-fking-angry-mum-rage-part-1/S2 EP85 — Mum Rage Part 2: Real Tools for Real Rage — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-85-real-tools-for-real-rage-mum-rage-part-2real-tools-for-real-rage-mum-rage-part-2/EP23 — ADHD Meds Won't Fix Everything — Now What? — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-23-adhd-meds-wont-fix-everything-now-what/EP71 — When You Can't Relax Even When It's Quiet — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/why-adhd-mums-cant-relax/📬 Listener Questions & Community🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook GroupFor community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it.https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcastReferencesRösler, M., Retz, W., Fischer, R., Ose, C., Alm, B., Deckert, J., Philipsen, A., Herpertz, S., & Ammer, R. (2010). Twenty-four-week treatment with extended release methylphenidate improves emotional symptoms in adult ADHD. World Journal of Biological Psychiatry, 11(5), 709–718. https://doi.org/10.3109/15622975.2010.482986Moukhtarian, T. R., Cooper, R. E., Vassos, E., Moran, P., & Asherson, P. (2017). Effects of stimulants and atomoxetine on emotional lability in adults: A systematic review and meta-analysis. European Psychiatry, 44, 198–207. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.eurpsy.2017.05.021Garfinkel, S. N., Seth, A. K., Barrett, A. B., Suzuki, K., & Critchley, H. D. (2015). Knowing your own heart: Distinguishing interoceptive accuracy from interoceptive awareness. Biological Psychology, 104, 65–74. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsycho.2014.11.004