Authentic Men's Group podcast

7 Common Signs You're Feeling Shame as a Man Most men don't like to look in the mirror—not the one in the bathroom, but the one that shows us what's going on inside. We're raised with messages like: You can't change the past. Just move on. Don't dwell. And on the surface, that sounds like wisdom. But underneath, it keeps a lot of us from practicing self-reflection… because we're not just afraid of guilt. We're afraid of shame. See, guilt says, "I did something wrong." Shame says, "There's something wrong with me." One leads to responsibility and growth. The other shuts us down and keeps us stuck. In today's episode, we're talking about the difference between guilt and shame and the common signs that you maybe struggling with Shame. If you've ever replayed a moment on loop, avoided someone because of how you felt, or carried the quiet weight of not feeling "good enough," this one's for you. You can't change the past, but you can own it. And when you own it, you start to change your future. So let's dive in! Shame vs. Guilt (Quick Distinction) Guilt Shame "I did something bad." "You can do better. Step up." Can fuel action: apologies, new decisions Can be a catalyst for growth "I am bad." "You are not enough and unworthy" Anchored in fear, hesitation, self-sabatoge Stifles momentum and vulnerability Focuses on behavior Focuses on identity; our 'being' Can motivate change Can lead to hiding or self-loathing Feeling shame as a man can be hard to recognize because many men are conditioned to suppress or mislabel it. Instead of identifying it as "shame," they might call it stress, anger, weakness, or failure. Here's how to tell if what you're experiencing might actually be shame: You feel like you're "not enough" Thoughts like "I'm a failure," "I'll never measure up," or "I'm not a good man" are rooted in shame. You may feel like you don't deserve love, success, or respect. Example: You forget your kid's school event and beat yourself up all day, telling yourself, "I'm such a terrible father. I can't get anything right." You isolate yourself You avoid friends, partners, or family because you don't want to be "seen." Shame often makes us hide—physically and emotionally. Example: A friend invites you to grab dinner after work. You say no—not because you're busy, but because you're feeling low and don't want anyone to see you in that state. You get angry or defensive quickly Instead of saying "I feel embarrassed," shame might trigger you to lash out or shut down. Anger is often a mask for shame. Example: Your partner says, "I miss talking with you." You snap back, "Well, I'm always working to support this family—what more do you want?" You feel exposed, so you react with anger You obsess over being "strong" or "successful" If your identity is tied to performance, status, or stoicism, failure in those areas can trigger deep shame. You might fear being seen as weak or "less of a man." Example: You injure your back but refuse to take a break from work or admit pain. Inside, you think, "If I stop, I'm weak. I have to keep pushing no matter what You feel emotionally numb Shame can lead to disconnection from your own feelings. You might say "I don't know what I feel" or feel nothing at all. It's a way to avoid the pain of being judged or exposed. Example: You receive bad news—your friend is going through a tough time—but you brush it off, saying, "That sucks," and change the subject. You feel disconnected from the impact. You replay past mistakes in your mind If you constantly ruminate on things you regret or cringe at moments from your past, shame is likely involved. You may even punish yourself mentally for those mistakes. Example: You keep thinking about a breakup from years ago, wondering what you did wrong, convinced you're unlovable. Even though you're in a new relationship, you can't let go You avoid vulnerability or asking for help Shame tells you that needing others is weak. You may think, "I should be able to handle this on my own." Example: You're overwhelmed with life, but when your brother asks how you're doing, you say, "All good, just busy," even though you're struggling with depression and know you need support What You Can Do Name it: Simply saying "This feels like shame" begins to take its power away. Talk to someone safe: A friend, mentor, coach, or therapist can help you process it without judgment. Practice Being Kind & Curious with Yourself: See Shame as a way your system is trying to protect you, and then be curious about what it is trying to protect you from. Challenge the belief: Ask, "Is it true that I'm not enough?" or "Where did I learn that this makes me unworthy?" Confront the shame at the root of the behavior. Radical honesty. Speak the truth. Know that you are good, even with flaws and imperfections.

What the Heck is a Boundary? A boundary isn't just a rule—it's a way to identify, communicate, and maintain the environment you need to be the person you want to be. Boundaries aren't about controlling other people. They're about controlling your space and how you respond to what happens in it. 🏡 Fence Analogy: Think of a boundary like a fence around your house. You've got a walkway up to the front door—that's how you do relationships with me. That's the space I've clearly defined where I invite people into my life. Now, let's say someone jumps my fence, walks around to the back, and starts banging on my window—I'm not going to be friendly. That's a boundary violation. A boundary is saying, 'If you want to be in my life, here's how you enter. If you break in, don't expect a warm welcome. Boundaries and requests are not the same thing. 🚧 Boundaries: What You Control A boundary is about you. It's about what you will or won't tolerate and how you respond when it's crossed. You don't need permission to set a boundary. You enforce it. Example: "I don't engage in raised-voice discussions. If it gets loud, I step away." 🙋‍♂️ Requests: What You Hope for A request is asking someone else to change their behavior. And here's the catch: they can say no. Example: "Hey, could you lower your voice when we argue?" (That's a request.) "I don't do raised-voice discussions. If it happens, I'll remove myself." (That's a boundary.) If you keep making the same request and it keeps getting ignored, it's probably time for a boundary. Men Struggle with Boundaries Most men don't set boundaries because they don't want to be 'that guy.' They don't want to seem demanding or make things awkward. So instead of setting a boundary, they make requests… and then get mad when those requests are ignored. How to Actually Set Boundaries: Setting a boundary that actually works: Identify what you need. ("I need calm discussions.") State the boundary clearly. ("If the conversation turns aggressive, I'll walk away.") Follow through. (Actually walk away.) The Key Rule: If you don't enforce it, it's not a boundary—it's a suggestion. Takeaways: What's one area of your life where you keep making requests when you really need to set a boundary? Think about a time you got frustrated because someone ignored your needs. Did you set a boundary, or were you just making requests? At work? In your relationship? With friends? Where do you keep hoping someone will change instead of taking action? Boundaries aren't for them. They're for you. They protect your peace, your energy, and your sanity. Listener Challenge: This week, take one ignored request and turn it into a boundary. Follow through, and see what happens. Write down one situation where you've been frustrated by someone's behavior. Is it a request or a boundary? Take a second. What's one area in your life where you feel drained, disrespected, or frustrated? That's probably where a boundary needs to go. Shoot us a message in AMG, share your experience, and let's keep growing together.

Developing Emotional Autonomy in Relationships How do we navigate this vulnerability? By building emotional Autonomy. This means taking ownership of your emotions—understanding them, and managing them. It's about knowing yourself and being responsible for your emotional state rather than numbing out or blaming others. Emotional Autonomy vs. Emotional Immaturity: Emotional Immaturity: "You made me feel this way." / "I'm fine" (when it's not true). Emotional Autonomy: "I feel this way. It's okay to feel this. I'm going to own this emotion and use my resources to support myself. So I can show up as my best self in all my relationships." Steps to Emotional Autonomy : Be curious & Non-Judgmental while Identifying body sensations, emotions, and feelings. Communicate and explore these feelings with a trusted support system. Own your emotional well-being—stop blaming others for how you feel. Take proactive steps to work through distressing emotions. What does it look like to practice emotional autonomy in each circle of relationships? Circle #1 Relationship: Self This is where we discover self. It is internal and eternal. It is the basis of creativity and resourcefulness. It is here we discover the purpose and passion of existence. It is where inspiration can be found. It is the spring of self-love, acceptance, value and authenticity. Circle #2 Relationship: Intimate This is where we express our deepest self in the deepest way. This is the relationship of closest vulnerability and authenticity. This intimacy will find expression in sexuality. (i.e. spouse, sexual partner) Circle #3 Relationship: Select Few This relationship involves individuals to whom there is the deepest bond and devotion. It is a relationship that experiences sincere vulnerability and validity without sexuality. It establishes earnest trust (i.e. close sibling, dearest friends...) Circle #4 Relationship: Few These are relationships we do life with. There is association at mutually connected events like reunions, weddings, funerals, interest groups, (i.e. friendships, family, extended family, associates) Circle #5 Relationship: Mandatory These are the relationships we do because we have to. They are the associations that revolve around our 'to do' list. There is usually a common purpose or goal for the association. (i.e. Work and necessary commitments) Circle #6 Relationship: Peripheral These are people we keep at arms length for one of two reasons: one, these people have hurt us before and would probably do it again given a chance or two, these people need something every time they make contact. These are (i.e. adversaries, acquaintances, codependent relationships, service clubs) Circle #7 Relationship: Temporal This is the stuff of life. In this circle are the things that 100 years from now will have no value to us and 10 years from now will not mean as much as they do today. These are the houses, the cars and the toys of life. They also encompass things that we can get comfort from that have the potential to form addictions (food, drugs, alcohol, pornography, …)

The Vulnerability Myth (Part 1) Let's face it— dating and relationships can be a minefield for men. On one side, we're told to open up, be vulnerable, and share our emotions. But when we do, the response isn't always what we expect. Sometimes, it's met with anger, confusion, or even panic. Other times, it feels like the person across from us wants to jump in and fix our problems as if we can't handle them ourselves. It's a tricky balance. Here's the truth: being emotionally aware and understanding how to regulate our feelings is critical for men. But vulnerability alone isn't a magic key that unlocks deeper relationships or solves all our problems. In fact, without the right understanding and approach, vulnerability can create more confusion, leaving us and our partners feeling lost. So, in today's episode, we're diving into what it really means to be vulnerable as a man in today's world—how to find that balance between strength and openness, and why emotional awareness is the foundation for real, healthy connection. We'll bust some myths, share some stories, and give you practical steps to navigate this space with confidence. Let's get into it. So what is the Vulnerability Myth? Reid's Setup of the Vulnerability Myth : The "Vulnerability Myth" tells us that if men just open up, share their emotions, and show vulnerability to their partner, they'll automatically be seen as good men, and magically, all their problems will disappear. But here's the truth: vulnerability alone isn't a magic wand. It's important, yes—but it's only part of the equation. When your partner asks you to be more vulnerable, they aren't looking for you to fix every problem in your relationship. What they really want is to know that you're aware of your inner world and that you can manage your emotions in a healthy way. They want to see you not just feeling things but moving through those emotions with intention—whether that's through self-care, leaning on your support system, or simply knowing when to take a step back. Ultimately, a man who understands what he's feeling and knows how to navigate those emotions with the right tools and a supportive community becomes someone who feels steady and trustworthy—someone who is both safe and desirable as a partner. As Connor Beaton puts it, "A man who is not aware of his emotional state, denies it, or cannot control his emotions when they arise, is seen as a potential danger, weak, and a threat—not only to himself but to his family, his partner, and women in general." "Vulnerability, when met with misunderstanding or negativity, can do more harm than good." "Men often feel encouraged to open up but then face emotional responses from their partners that push them away. It creates a cycle of disconnection." Reflection: "Have you ever felt pressured to be vulnerable but didn't know how or felt punished when you tried? How have these experiences shaped your view on vulnerability?" Myths About Vulnerability Myth 1: Vulnerability is a Weakness "Vulnerability is an act of courage, not weakness. It's about showing up despite uncertainty and risk." Myth 2: Men Don't Do Vulnerability "Our lives are full of uncertainty and emotional exposure. Leaning into these dynamics is the essence of vulnerability." Myth 3: I Can Go It Alone "Humans are wired for connection. Belonging is crucial for our mental well-being, and groups like AMG provide that space." Myth 4: Trust Comes Before Vulnerability "Trust and vulnerability go hand-in-hand. Vulnerability fosters trust when done with intention." Myth 5: Vulnerability is Disclosing Everything to Everyone "True vulnerability requires discernment. Without boundaries, it becomes manipulation or oversharing." I love this statement by Brene' Brown. If we are sharing vulnerabilities just for the sake of sharing, then maybe we have an ulterior motive.

Shadow Work (Part 2) Today, we're diving into a topic that's as crucial as it is uncomfortable: authenticity. Let me set the stage for this podcast. Picture this: a man finds his marriage on the brink of falling apart. He's convinced he's doing everything he "should" do to keep it together, yet he feels like he's constantly falling short. Growing up, he learned that showing certain emotions or traits of himself like being "too excited" or "too hyper" could jeopardize his relationships and get him in trouble with his parents – "boys don't cry," "toughen up," "Good kids are seen and not heard" you know the drill. Fast forward to adulthood, and he's still suppressing these parts of himself. He believes that if he shows vulnerable emotions or is "too much," his partner will see him as weak. This habit of hiding – which began as a childhood survival tactic to secure connection with parents, friends, and others – is now wreaking havoc on his relationships. This brings us to the idea of the Shadow. The Shadow is all those parts of ourselves we've shoved into the dark because we were told they're unacceptable. This act is what we call repression – unconsciously hiding these aspects to fit in and feel loved. And no shame. This helped us survive as kids and attempt to earn the connection that we need. As kids, we didn't have a concept of the Shadow or the idea that hiding parts of ourselves would cause future issues. But as adults, we take it a step further with suppression – consciously choosing to hide these parts, leading to continued inauthenticity and keeping us from realizing our full potential. Today, we'll break down the difference between repression and suppression and why recognizing and integrating these shadow parts is essential for living authentically. We'll also integrate your Enneagram personality type to help you identify what you may be suppressing and share practical steps for self-integration. What is "Shadow Work"? Shadow Work involves digging into the parts of ourselves we've hidden away because they seem too ugly, weird, or unacceptable. As kids, we desperately need to feel safe and connected with those around us. If any part of us seems like it might threaten that connection, we quickly learn to hide it. How the Shadow forms: childhood experiences, societal expectations, and personal trauma. Swiss Psychologist Carl Jung called these hidden parts the "shadow." Gabor Maté insightfully said that as kids, we will choose attachment over authenticity every time. This survival tactic might help us through childhood, but it wreaks havoc on our adult lives, leading to inauthenticity. Shadow Work is about embracing your whole self – the good, the bad, and the ugly – and integrating these parts into your life. Eragon Book Series concept of "True Names" Defining Repression Repression is like stuffing everything you didn't want anyone to see into an old closet. As kids, we need secure attachment with our caregivers, so we hide anything that might threaten that bond. Imagine being a kid and hearing, "Boys don't cry," every time you felt like letting tears flow. You bury those feelings to maintain connection and acceptance. This protective habit doesn't disappear when you grow up. It sticks around, leading to a life that's not fully you. Defining Suppression If repression is unconsciously hiding parts of yourself, suppression is when you do it knowingly. It's a conscious choice to keep certain aspects hidden to fit the image you want to present. Think about the boy who grew up hearing, "Men don't cry." As an adult, he might suppress his emotions around his partner, thinking, "I can't let them see me cry; they'll think I'm weak." Suppression creates a barrier between you and genuine connection, denying yourself the freedom to be who you truly are. I see this all the time in counseling, whether I am working with someone in their early 20's or in their 70's. They have held onto the things they've learned the "should do" in order to fit in and earn the connection and attachment they deserve and need. Even if it is at the cost of their Authenticity. This is a common story among those in the LGBTQ+ community who are growing up. Many will choose to remain in the closet and hide their sexuality, gender identity, and more to remain connected and attached to their attachment figures. The Impact of Repression and Suppression Repression and suppression keep us from living authentically, creating a gap between who we are and who we present to the world. This gap leads to feelings of dissatisfaction, anxiety, and even depression. Without doing your personal shadow work you will never realize your full potential. In relationships, this inauthenticity acts like a silent killer. Not allowing yourself to be vulnerable creates distance, misunderstanding, and dissatisfaction. Ask yourself: What have you been hiding? What parts of yourself did you shove into the shadows to feel accepted? How can you start bringing those parts into the light? The journey to authenticity starts with acknowledging these repressed and suppressed parts of yourself. It's about exploring your shadow, sorting through the mess, and integrating those hidden aspects into your life. Imagine a man who has always suppressed his emotional side. As he begins to integrate this hidden aspect, he allows himself to feel and express emotions more openly, connecting more deeply with others. Consider another man who has always hidden his creative side. By acknowledging and embracing this part of himself, he finds joy and fulfillment, inspiring others around him. The cost of all this hiding and masking is inauthenticity. You end up living a life that isn't fully yours, constantly editing yourself to meet others' expectations. This creates a gap between who you are and who you present to the world, leading to dissatisfaction, anxiety, and emptiness. The path to authenticity is challenging but essential for true connection, fulfillment, and self-acceptance. Identifying Your Shadow Self-Reflection Techniques What parts of myself do I feel I need to hide to be accepted by others? Have you worked with others who were hiding parts of themselves? When do I feel the need to put on a different persona? Have you worked with others who did this? What emotions do I avoid expressing, and why? Have you worked with others who did this? Journaling prompts and questions to uncover hidden aspects of the self. Meditation and mindfulness practices for deeper self-awareness. Common Signs and Triggers Where you react, there lies a shadowed part. Get curious and non-judgmental about that reaction. There is a mountain of wisdom there that your system is trying to communicate if we would only listen. Building A Relationship with Our Parts When you start to uncover a part in your shadow, your next step is to build a relationship with that part. Be curious and non-judgmental with that part. Ask it how it is trying to protect you by suppressing this aspect of yourself. Ask it what it would need to let you integrate this part of you. Conclusion Today, we've delved into our shadows, exploring how aspects we learned to hide as kids can shape our adult lives, leading to inauthenticity. Repression and suppression are real, impactful forces that can mess with our relationships, mental health, and overall sense of self. Understanding these concepts is a step closer to reclaiming your authentic self. Remember, authenticity isn't about being perfect; it's about being real. It's about acknowledging those shadowed parts of ourselves and integrating them into our daily lives. What's next? Reflect on the exercises we discussed. Ask yourself those tough questions. Join a group like the Authentic Men's Group (AMG) or work with a therapist or coach. I've created a journal to help you start your shadow work process. Visit www.horncounseling.org/tms to get a free copy of the Shadow Work Journal. Authenticity isn't a destination; it's a continuous process. It's about showing up, day after day, as your true self – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Start small, stay committed, and watch your life transform. Thanks for tuning in. If you have thoughts, questions, or stories to share, reach out at AMG.buzz. We'd love to hear from you. Until next time, keep striving to be the real you.

Chapter #7 Suicide The word ""committed" is usually used in the context of crimes. 2016 suicide was ranked the 10thcause of death in the US. Pg 116 men die from suicide 4x more then women. Pain is a natural reaction to death but suffering is what our mind does to us. 118 Death by suicide is not a selfish act or even a choice. It's a sign of a mind that needs help. 114 The path to freedom from the suffering caused by our minds is through finding meaning. Pg 118 There are many paths to meaning, and if you search for them, you will eventually find them. 119 Give the suicide hotline to call or text: #988 or website 988lifeline.org Chapter #8 Complicated Relationships Be kind, for everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Anonymous However, hoping they will be different than they are only leads to more turmoil. Pg129 People are who they are, and they don't change just because we need them to. If they are important enough to us, we will overlook their insensitivity. If they are not, we may consider letting the relationship go. Pg 130 This is the difference between expectations on a relationship versus standards for a relationship. We grieve in character, both good and bad. Pg 131 What does the Enneagram have to contribute to grieving? My job is how I respond to situations and other people. How people choose to play their characters is not for me to evaluate. My one and only job is my own character. Pg 134 Too often when we deal with people in complicated relationships, we focus on their reactions. If I do this for them, will they appreciate it? Will it be reciprocated? I always encourage people to do kind things with no expectations. Expectations are resentments under construction. Pg 134 In the context of complicated relationships in the time of loss there is a lot of hurt. Hurting people hurt people. As a result there are things that are done and said during a time of bereavement that can cause pain. This is why Kessler goes into some depth talking about forgiveness because grieving neccessates forgiveness.Seek to make forgiveness a part of the grieving process. Four Types of Forgiveness: 1. Indirect forgiveness: you do it all inside yourself. 2. Direct forgiveness: you do it openly in a straightforward manner with sincerity 3. Conditional forgiveness: you forgive based on personal judgments made on the person's character or action. 4. Unconditional forgiveness: you give the person forgiveness whether they ask for it or not with disregard to their motives and having the personal motive of being free from resentment. This type of forgiveness is contingent on #1. Forgiveness opens our hearts when we are stuck in the prison of resentment. We get to be right, but we never get to be happy. The basic question of meaningful relationships is "Do I want to be right or do I want to have relationship?" Pg 137 Four Processes to Consider When Forgiving 1. Picture the person as an infant. 2. Think of them growing up and someone hurting them. 3. Acknowledge the relationship with that person for the duration of it and what it has contributed to life. 4. Remember the process of my own life, where I am and how I got here. When I recognize I'm human and I make mistakes, I can forgive others for their mistakes. Pg 138 This is a strategy for helping the person that has been hurt to work through the process of forgiveness. This does not justify the hurt that was caused or mean that the consequences of their action. One of the biggest spiritual lessons we can learn is to understand that everyone is doing the best they can at any given moment. No one looks in the mirror in the morning and says; "I think I'll be a real jerk today." Pg. 139 It will help to remember that forgiveness is seldom for "them". It is for you. Pg. 139 In chapter #9 There are five specific ways that people can grow after tragedy: pg. 158 1. Their relationships grow stronger. 2. They discover new purposes in life. 3. They find inner strength. 4. Spirituality is deepened. 5. They renew their appreciation for life. Chapter #10 Miscarriage and Infant Lose Even our dictionaries often include the word "failure" in the definition of miscarriage. Try to understand that while your partner may grieve differently from you, they still deserve a grief process that is treated with sensitivity and respect. Lean on each other during this difficult time, and give each other grace. How can they say goodbye when they've never had a chance to say hello? They are grieving for what could have been Chapter #11 Illnesses of Our Mind: Mental Illness and Addiction My mind is a bad neighborhood. I try not to go into it alone. Anne Lamott 171 Addiction should no longer be seen as a moral failing or a lack of willpower. It is a medical problem, an illness that leads to a progressively worsening chronic condition, and one that is particularly hard to fight, because the drugs involved attack the brain of users, the very organ that helps us fight other dangers to our survival. The same can be said for mental illness. We can't tell a person who is mentally ill or addicted to use his/her brain to help himself recover, because the brain is a diseased organ. Pg 175 The Three C's of Al-Anon pg. 177 1. We didn't cause it 2. We cannot control it 3. We cannot cure it Sometimes the most meaningful realization in the loss of grief is our loss of control. Meaning is everywhere if you look for it. Pg 178 Addiction is about numbness. When you're addicted, that numbness allows you to ignore the danger, to think that you're in control when you're using. And even when you are sober, you may still be numb to the danger and relapse. We understand the relapse is part of recovery. Pg 185 Chapter #12 More Love Than Pain I don't think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that remains. Anne Frank The common belief is that grief is all about pain. Anyone who has been in grief would certainly agree with that. But I believe there is more. There is love. Why do we believe that the pain we feel is about the absence of love? The love didn't die when the person we love died. It didn't disappear. It remains. The question is: How do we learn to remember that person with more love than pain… There is not getting around the pain. We have to go through it because it is an inevitable result of the separation we are experiencing. It's a brutal, forced separation. Pg 191 The pain you feel is proportionate to the love you had. The deeper you loved the deeper the pain. But you will find that love exists on the other side of the pain. It's actually the face of pain. My thought - Love doesn't exit because of the pain; no, love exists in, through and beyond the pain. You can't heal what you can't feel. P 192 Get in touch with the feeling, let it speak to you, let it go through you and then be done with it. If you're sad, you need to stay with the sadness and feel it full. If you have a hundred tears to cry don't stop at fifty. The secret to remembering with love begins with accepting the pain, not trying to deny it or ignore it. Pg 192 No matter how deeply spiritual or religious we are, sometimes we want to be left in the humanness of our pain. 193 Whenever you are talking about your loss, do you want the spiritual response, the human response or both? Pg 193 Those of us who have lost someone dear do need to be in pain. Pg 193 Feeling the pain is a necessary part of remembering the love. The pain is part of the love. We can't love someone and lose them without feeling pain. Not only do we have a need to feel the pain, we also need to have it witnessed by others, not pushed away. Pa 195 Grief may be postponed but it cannot be eradicated. Pg 195 Buffalo run into a storm, thus minimizing how long it will last Pg 196 The avoidance of grief will only prolong the pain of the grief. Better to turn toward it and allow it to run its natural course, knowing that the pain will eventually pass, that one of these days we will find the love on the other side of the pain. Pg. 196 We are made up of love. We are the sum total of love. If I've ever felt one moment of real love in my life, that can be with me in my most terrifying moments. Love never dies. In our darkest moments love remains. When everything else is gone, love continues. Pg 197 What we appreciate, appreciates. 198 The Three Steps To Taking In The Good (Rick Hanson) 199 1. Identify a positive experience or memory 2. Enrich it. Savor it. Intensify it. 3. Absorb the experience. Sink into it and let it sink into you. Pain is never the whole story. We may get lost in it for a while, but there's always something more. Pg 200 Love Bursts – a surge of love that comes from a memory of a person. When we move through pain and we release it, we fear there will be nothing, but the truth is, when the pain is gone we are connected only in love. Kessler says, "Though much of my work is about giving people permission to grieve fully after a loss, I also want to give them permission to keep loving. 202 Love doesn't stop with death. A body dies but love doesn't. page 202 Love doesn't exit because of the pain; no, love exists in, through and beyond the pain. You can't heal what you can't feel. P 192 Feel the pain, experience the love. I find that when I reflect on the people I have lost that if I concentrate for just a bit I can still feel their love Look for small seeds of love in pain. Just like a delicate plant, we have to pay attention to it and nourish it. If we do, the love will flower once again in our hearts. Pg 202 Chapter #13 Legacy In 2010 Bill and Melinda Gates and Warren Buffet created a Giving Pledge, a campaign to encourage billionaires to commit to donating half or more of their wealth to philanthropic causes during their lifetime. Pg 205 Each of us affects many people throughout our lives. The movie It's a Wonderful Life does a brilliant job of helping us realize how many people we affect in our lives without realizing it. Pg 206 Write down their memories in a memory book to share with friends and family. They can continue to observe traditions and visit places that were meaningful to that person. Pg 209 Missing them is part of the remembering them, and how you remember your loved one is part of their legacy. Pg209 Visiting a place that was special to our loved ones helps us remember and connects us to their legacies. Pg 210 Ensuring that the good qualities of your loved one will live on in your own life is perhaps the most meaningful of all legacies. Pg 211 We grieve as a tribe and we're always modeling for that tribe. Pg 212 Ultimately our loved ones belongings can become a trap when se find ourselves unable to part with them… What I have learned from my work is that as we decrease the outer evidence that our loved ones lived, we must increase the evidence inside of us. Pg215 I help people understand that they themselves are the biggest piece of evidence of their loved one's lives. As you think about how to do something meaningful with the things that are in your possession, I encourage you to photograph those things you care about before letting them go. I've found that you can get the same emotional reaction from a photo as you do from the item itself. Pg217 You are also beginning to process the reconstruction of your own life. Nothing will return you to the way you were before you lost your loved one. But everything you do to help his legacy flourish and grow will help you grow, too. Chapter #14 Grieving to Believing: The Afterlife Just as birth is about a change in the mother's connection to the infant who was once inside of her, so is death a change in our relationship to the person who is no longer here but still lives within us. Death does not end a relationship, it changes it. Pg220 Expand on this below. In a mother's womb were two babies. The first baby asked the other: "Do you believe in the life after this world?" The second baby replied, "Why of course. There has to be something after this world." "Nonsense," said the first. "There is no life after this world. What would that life be? The umbilical cord supplies nutrition. Life after this would be impossible. The umbilical cord is too short. There can't be a world after this one." The second baby held his ground. "I think there is something, and maybe it's different than it is here. Maybe we'll see each other there." The first baby replied, "If there is another world, no one has ever come back from there. Leaving here is the end of life and after delivery, there will be nowhere to go and nothing but darkness." Well, I don't know," said the twin. "But certainly we'll see Mother and she will take care of us." "Mother?" The first baby guffawed. "You believe in a mother? An all-powerful, intelligent being that makes all this happen? Where is she now?" The second baby calmly and patiently tried to explain. "She is all around us. It is in her that we live. Without her, there would not be a world." "Ha. I don't see her, so it's only logical that she doesn't exist." To which the other replied, "Sometimes when you're in silence you can hear her, you can perceive her. I believe there is a reality after this world." Writing a good-bye letter may be a terrible idea because the relationship has not ended. Writing a transformation letter may be effective Pg 220 The Five Stages of Grief were never meant to be an end unto themselves, and completion of them wasn't supposed to signify the ending of the relationship or grief. There is a continuing evolution in the relationship pg. 221 When someone dies the relationship doesn't die with them. You have to learn how to have new relationships with them. You can still keep learning from them in your everyday life. Pg 221 I have seen my wife do this with her grandmother in asking how she would approach a certain situation with the wisdom and candor that her grandmother still provides. You're not closing the door on a relationship with the person who died. You don't ever bring the grief over a loved one to a close. You're opening the door to a different relationship. Remaining connected to your loved one in grief is not "unhealthy grieving." It's normal. In death, our attachments continue, as does the love. The connections continue to evolve. Pg222 "My mother's and my relationship has improved a great deal in the twenty years since she passed away. I think I've learned to understand her and look at her with more compassion." Pg223 There are three phenomena encountered by those dying: pg. 226 1. Visions – looking into the world to come. 2. Getting ready to go on 'a trip' 3. Crowded rooms. Three possible options for viewing the afterlife: Pg 227 1. They have an awareness of you. They see you grieving. 2. They are no longer in touch with this world. 3. They died, and their consciousness became nothing. One focus – We should grieve fully and then live fully. We were put on this earth for such a short time and we will never get to experience this life again. So why don't we think about how much one more day would mean in our own lives? Pg 228 In the face of great losses life goes on. The world keeps spinning. The seasons change. Every storm gives way to a clear new day. Despite our losses we continue… Love and life remain within us and the potential for meaning is always there. 228 Either all deaths matter or none of them do. Pg238 The worst kind of loss is your loss Pg 238 Acknowledge the power of grief Pg 239 Broken heart syndrome is a temporary disruption of your heart's normal pumping function, often brought on by a surge of stress hormones triggered by a serious event, such as the death of a loved one… Women are more likely to have broken heart syndrome, but anyone over fifty-five is at a higher risk. Pg 240 If we shut our ears out of hurt and anger, we will miss it. Pg 244 Martin Seligman 3 P's that can shape our world after loss 1. Personalization – you blame yourself for it, or feel like the only one who has ever suffered such a tragic loss 2 Pervasiveness – you believe that a negative event will destroy everything in your life 3. Permanence – you believe that the effects of a loss or a disaster will last forever. No one likes or wants this new normal Pg. 245 The phrase "I don't know how you are doing it". I tell them I am not. I have just decided to be a part of ongoing life. What would best honor the years they didn't get? That could be one way of bringing meaning to our lives without them. Pg248 People often think there is no way to heal from severe loss. I believe that is not true. You heal when you can remember those who have died with more love than pain, when you find a way to create meaning in your life in a way that will honor theirs. It requires a decision and a desire to do this, but finding meaning is not extraordinary, it is ordinary. It happens all the time all over the world. Pg 248 There are people who walk this earth in awe of the life around them. They are not people who have had a perfect life. The truth is they are often the ones who have had a lot of tragedy. Pg 248 There are magical moments to be had with our living loved ones now. Our job is to find them and cherish them. Through them, we can still find sweetness in the world. Pg 249 There are challenges to finding meaning. Every moment we are making choices-whether to move toward healing or to stay stuck in pain. Like all the other stages, the sixth stage of grief requires movement. We can't move into the future without leaving the past. We have to say goodbye to the life we had and say yes to the future. Pg 249 Ask yourself, "Who would I be if I changed and grew with this loss? More important, who will you be if you don't? 249 Now that your loved one has died, who are you? Pg 249

Authentic Grief: Finding Meaning In Your After In this series of podcasts we want to address the topic of grief. Grief is something we all experience so we want to take an authentic look at this shared experience. David Kessler wrote a book as a 6th stage of grieving titled Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. We will be recording this podcast series as an overview to this book and be inviting you to a conversation about grief and how we can approach it through meaning. What is Grief? Grief is the response to the loss of something deemed important or essential, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond or affection has been formed. Part I – Every Loss Has Meaning Chapter #1 What is Meaning? The person who sees death as sacred has found a way to find meaning in it. Pg 14 Kessler references Victor Frankl's cornerstone work, Man's Search for Meaning. Kessler says that this book is a beacon for those who wonder how meaning can emerge from tragedy… Frankl suggested that when we are faced with a situation that is hopeless and unchangeable, "we are challenged then to change ourselves". When we make the choice to change ourselves, we can turn tragedy into an occasion for growth. Pg 14 The hope that we find in individual situations of grief leads to a life full of meaning. As we move from one grief to the next, one disappointment to the next all the while we are challenged to change. Grief doesn't get smaller over time, we get bigger. Pg 15 Pain, death, and loss never feel good, but they're unavoidable in our lifetime. Yet the reality is posttraumatic growth happens more than posttraumatic stress. 15 Whenever you find it, meaning matters, and meaning heals. Pg15 Vision from the great Avengers of Marvel Comics says "What is grief, if not love persevering?" Chapter #2 Grief Must Be Witnessed Each person's grief is as unique as his or her fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. That doesn't mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining. Pg 29 Sitting shiva in Jewish culture seems to get the idea of grieving. For a time period of 3 to 7 days friends and family come to the mourners home and just sit with the people in grief. They say nothing unless they are spoken too. They are just present for the people that are grieving. This really is what grieving while having a witness is all about. Just being present. Just being seen. But in our hyper-busy world, grief has been minimized and sanitized. Pg 30 we have diluted it because it's scary to think about our own death. We like things we can control and we can control our busyness. We are very egocentric and attached to this life. We don't like not knowing exactly what awaits us in the next life. Grief should unite us. It is a universal experience. 30 The act of witnessing someone's vulnerability can bring the person out of isolation if the witnessing is done without judgment. (Great theme statement for AMG) 31 Grief is what's going on inside of us, while mourning is what we do on the outside. Pg31 When people ask me how long they're going to grieve I ask them, "How long is your love one going to be dead?" That's how long. I don't mean you will be in pain forever but you will never forget that person. 31 Loss can become more meaningful-and more bearable- when reflected and reflected accurately, in another's eyes. 33 If the love is real, the grief is real pg. 34 Good interaction exercise – Have two people who are grieving stand facing each other and place their hands over their own hearts. Then look into each other's eyes and say, "I witness your grief, I see your healing." This kind of witnessing of another's vulnerability can be very healing. Pg 34 As I read this in the book I found myself tearing up when thinking of the grief I have experienced with others. My wife and I created A Grief Workshop for a large church that we served on staff with early in our careers. I wish that I would have known of this exercise when we were developing this workshop. How powerful to look into another's eyes and say, "I witness your grief, I see your healing." Something goes out of alignment when we try to avoid sadness and grief. 35 Life gives us pain. Our job is to experience it when it gets handed to us. Avoidance of loss has a cost. Having our pain seen and seeing the pain of others is a wonderful medicine for both body and soul. Pg 35 Life has peaks and valleys. It's our responsibility to be present for both. Pg 35 "The time will come when memory will bring a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eyes" That's how it goes, pain first, meaning later. Pg 41 Having grief witnessed is about making loss real. Pg 42 When we feel it, we release it and we can be free. Pg 44 (My rephrasing– When we feel it, we can feel free to release it.) Funerals and memorials are important. Something profound happens when others see and hear and acknowledge our grief. Pg 44 Two things bring us together: 1. Love 2. Suffering Our children, just like us, need their pain witnessed, and a funeral is important to them. Pg 46 We are not meant to be islands of grief. The reality is that we heal as a tribe. Pg 47 We see this often in men's groups as men invite other men to connect with them by sharing their loss and grief openly. Chapter #3 The Meaning of Death Without suffering and death, human life cannot be complete. Victor Frankl. Pg. 49 The death shapes the grief. Pg 49 I often teach that in grief, pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Pg 51 Writing proves helpful in processing our grief pg. 52 Journaling seems especially helpful in the processing of grief Kessler says that writing proves helpful in three ways: 1. It examines causes and consequences. People who write use more words and phrases like: because, understand, realize, and work through. When we examine writing we use our arm and our hand which is between our head, the center of our thoughts and our heart or out our gut (which in eastern thinking is the center of our emotions.) So by writing we are expressing our thoughts and our feelings. When we further examine this we also realize that writing engages the two hemispheres of our brain, the left hemisphere which is responsible for language and speech and the right hemisphere which plays a large part in the interpreting the visual information and spatial processing. So in writing it is rather like lining up the crosshairs of a scope. We bring into alignment thoughts and feelings and language and processing. 2. There is a shift in perspective. From I and me to he and she and then to us It is important to remember there is not us and them. It is just us and we all experience grief.That which is most personal is most universal 3. Finding positive meaning in the traumatic experience. The way we view death reflects how we look at life. Death most often is thought of as a failure. Listen to how we speak of it: She succumbed to the illness, He lost the battle with cancer, and they didn't make it. Pg55 Apparently, no matter how great our life, we are destined to fail in the end. That doesn't have to be our understanding of either life or death, however. Pg 56 Fear doesn't stop death. Fear does stop life, however, but it doesn't have to. If we allow ourselves to live with the consciousness of death, it will enrich us by making us understand how precious life is. Pg 56 But painful as it is, if we can view the approach of death as a reminder to us to value every moment, we can find new sources of meaning. Pg 58 Death makes life valuable. Pg 58 This life is a limited time offer. Pg 58 My mantra is "What's meaningful?" I ask it all the time. Pg 60 What presence is worthy of my essence? What's meaningful can change our experience of imminent death… But for so many the last chapter of life is not the most interesting one, or the most important. We almost see it as a meaningless, "throwaway" part of life. Instead of using the precious time to complete relationships, to express our love, we allow the final chapter to become the series of medical issues to be conquered; a frantic search for a cure when one is no longer possible. Pg 62 Everything that lives must die. But while life has to end, love doesn't. Pg. 64 The end of your loved one's life is not the end of your relationships, since your love lives on. Pg 65 Instead of sitting in the room with their loved one staring at them when they are unconscious or sleeping try turning to face away from them so you can start practicing their presence without being able to rely on sight. Pg 65

Introduction How effective are resolutions? Do they work? Statistics tell us that on average between 64-80% of New Year's resolutions are abandoned in the first 3-weeks of committing to the resolution. In this podcast we talk about comparison to others and comparison to ourselves versus compassion for self and compassion for others. Often New Year's resolutions can often turn into dissolutions, good intentions can turn into frustrations and aspirations can turn into deflations. The word resolution if you break it down is re solution - It means I have to come up with another solution because the first solution didn't work. Time Magazine tells of the Top 10 Failed Resolutions. The top five of these are ones I think we can all relate to…. Lose Weight and Get Fit Quit Smoking Learn Something New Eat Healthier and Diet Save Money However, there are pivot times in lives. The New Year can give us a new start. Our birthdays give us a fresh approach. An anniversary can initiate change. These can be helpful to pause and reflect and then project hope but if we are setting ourselves up for failure, we may want to rethink making resolutions. If resolutions don't work, what is the solution? Thesis: If we change our focus from comparison to compassion, we may set ourselves up to live by our commitments as a lifelong expression of our health not just a temporary resolution. Resolutions find their origin in comparison; transformation finds its way in compassion. There are two ways in which we compare 1. We compare ourselves to others and 2. We compare ourselves to ourselves. We compare ourselves to others Social media sets us up for this. We have a tendency to compare ourselves with others best posts. One of the guys in AMG said the social media is "Air B & B" It is the place that people air either their bitching or their bragging. Posts either are complaining about others or congratulating oneself. They are either about being the victim or being the victor. Illustration - Comparison of finances People who are making $30,000 were asked how much more would make them happy and they said if they could make $50,000 People who are making $100,000 said $250,000 would make them happy. We compare ourselves to ourselves. This can be a very cruel process and we can find ourselves really being hard on ourselves. There is a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt = we have done something bad, shame = we are bad. We compare our present self to ourselves of the glory days of the past or the ideal self of the future. Resolutions usually are accompanied by the measurement of more. The words 'more' and "need to" come into play: How many more pounds do I need to lose if I am dieting? or How many more pounds do I need to add if I am weightlifting? How many more miles do I need to walk or bike to be in better shape? How many more podcasts do I need to listen to be more informed? How many more lessons do I need to take to be really good? How many more times do I need to attend church to be more spiritual? How many more dollars do I need to make to be content? How many more promotions do I need to have to be successful? How many more pounds, miles, podcasts, lessons, times, dollars, promotions… the list of measurements goes on and on. The word measurement - me assuring myself it meant something We can become hard on ourselves for not being where we once were or for not arriving at the place we could be. Measurement keeps us from being in the present moment with ourselves. It is always about comparing the present to what was or what could be. We are always comparing another time other than the present Resolutions are based on comparison, either comparison to the success of others or comparing to the vision of our "perfect" selves. Such resolutions do not work. So back to the original question, "What is the solution to resolutions?" The solution is not found in comparison but found in compassion again two types of compassion but in reverse order 1. Compassion for self and 2. Compassion for others. Compassion for Self We cannot help but compare that is why we need compassion. Compassion doesn't sound very manly, valiant, macho or ballsy when we first say it but if we really stop and think about the word compassion does stir something deep inside of us. We actually need two types of compassion (present compassion and intentional compassion) If we give ourselves compassion, we will find that we would not be so hard on ourselves If we are kind to ourselves, we will have the kind of life we desire. If we love ourselves, we will find ways to express this love in what we do. Instead of measuring the results look for ways that are pleasurable expressions. Transform Obligation To Inspiration Compassion for Others Transform Getting into Giving Just stop for a few seconds here and focus inside on the word 'compassion'... (Hesitate for a count of 5) It stirs something in us doesn't it. Something inside of me starts to look outward for someone in need. It is like we are summoning passion. Come passion Transform getting acknowledged into giving acknowledgment to others. We can't give what we don't have. If I have compassion for myself, I will have compassion for others. If I love myself and then love others. The key to loving others is to love myself. The key to having compassion for others is to be self-compassionate. Some would say that this will lead to narcissism. Actually, just the opposite is true because true self compassion and self-love will always overflow into relationships for it cannot be contained. Narcissism is about keeping it all for self. Self-love cannot be contained. Instead of comparison we realize that we are all fellow strugglers on our own journey. Conclusion Compassion is not an arrival point. It is a resolution every day. Commit to this solution by stating: I will make commitments that are not about comparisons to others or to my perfect self. Instead, I will live in compassion and self-love. I will give that compassion and love expression to myself and to others. This is the solution to resolutions. It is not about being more or achieving more. It is about giving expression to who I already am.