Breakup Recovery Podcast

As the holiday season is fast approaching anyone who experiencing a breakup, separation or a divorce are possibly dreading this time of the year. Martha offers some practical tips and ideas to get you through not only the holiday season but also any other time of the year that can bring an uprising of emotions. This advice will help you to not only handle your reactions but help in your recovery. Martha's own marriage ended at the beginning of the holiday season. The hardest part of the breakup was that her ex-husband was not moving out of their apartment for some time. They had decided they would be civil and kind to each other and try and do Christmas as a coupe. This was the worst Christmas, as they were trying to work through the sadness and heartbreak, when this time of the year was supposed to be full of happiness, family and joy. For a couple of Christmas after that Martha stayed in her apartment, as this time bought back all the feelings of pain of the ending of the marriage. Finding a good support system in the form of a therapist helped Martha. It was draining trying to project this image of the perfect wife, the perfect marriage. When she finally was honest with her self and became vulnerable and started telling friends, co-workers and family and not bottling all her emotions up inside of her she began the healing process. Martha started to do things that she felt she couldn't do when she was in the marriage, She travel to the places she wanted go to and started some of her own traditions. It took a few Christmas to get into the swing of things and the number one thing she had to do was to learn how to manage her expectations at this time of the year. So often when relationships end and it comes to the holidays you can be down on yourself, saying things like why can't I be happy, why can't I have this togetherness, why can't I have the perfect holiday. But if you take a step back and realise that maybe things are going to be a bit more subdued for a while and that's ok. It's a matter of having things that are simple and things that you love, if you expect that things are going to be small and simple, then your not going to be disappointed. Martha believes you also have to be careful of your selective memories. Often at this time of the year you can cherry pick all the good and amazing things that happened when you were with your partner during the holiday season. You forget the rest of the story, some of the things that weren't that good. So often you like to paint the picture that when you were with your partner everything was great and it probably wasn't, so you have to be honest with yourself and don't compare yourself and what is happening now with past experiences. During this holiday season put yourself first for a change, do what you want, forget the expectations and traditions that have previously been part of your life. Now is the time to create your own traditions and do what you like and take care of yourself. This is an opportunity to change your outlook into more of a positive one. Instead of seeing this holiday season as a sad and traumatic time you have now been given this gift for you find out what you want to do and how you want to celebrate it. When you are in a relationship you tend to do things as a unit, what is good for the unit, what's good for your partner, what's good for the couple. But you have to be careful that you don't loose yourself and identify when you are in a relationship. When you get out of a relationship you often don't remember how to putt your self first and find what interests you. Self-care is so important to the recovery process and doing these things that make you happy don't have to be expensive or elaborate. In life we have to have a balance with everything and the holidays are no different. If you find that the holidays are triggering things for you and the holidays are making it difficult for you to function and you feel that you are getting stuck. Martha encourages you to work with a therapist or join a divorce support group or single support group, that you can lean on and help you through this difficult process after your breakup. There can be many days that will trigger your memories such as your wedding day. Martha offered a way to get through this particular day by thinking of something that happened during that day that you liked a good memory and incorporate that into that day each year. For Martha the good memory of her wedding day was the Greek restaurant that they went to and each year on her anniversary Martha either cooks herself an amazing Greek meal or goes out to a Greek restaurant. So now her anniversary is no longer a day where she mourns the ending of her marriage but a day where she gets to eat amazing Greek food. You can connect with Martha @ survivingyoursplit.com and when you sign up for her newsletter you will get the Ultimate Divorce Goddess Recovery Guide.

In this week's episode I talk with Jenn Burton on all things relating to dating again after a breakup. Jenn shares some important tips on dating so it can be done your way and on your terms so the experience can be fun and doesn't have to filled with dread. We talk about how to know when you are ready to date again, how to begin this process, what preparations you need to complete before you start and amongst other things what your expectations should realistically be when dating a man. Jenn's own marriage broke up on her third year anniversary, after years of marriage counseling. Jenn came to the realization that her marriage had to be more than what she was experiencing. Love had to be more than all the trials and tribulations of a marriage. Her marriage had become all about making it all about her husband's wants, needs and desires. The day Jenn ended her marriage she was on her knees sobbing, praying and asking for a sign that would tell her there was more to love and life and three days latter a random request from a man who asked he out, opened her eyes that may be there was a lot more to love than she had thought. Instead of doing what most people do after a breakup, spending time reflecting on life and grieving the ending of a relationship. Jenn felt she had done enough reflecting and want to go back into the dating world straight away. She didn't want to be the one sitting there watching her ex-husband move on. Jenn listened to her heart and started dating straight away. It's very individual to know when you know you are ready to date again after a breakup. So some the relationship has been over for some time, and it's a matter of making it official. And the preparation that you need to do before you go back into the dating scene depends on individual circumstances. For some when the relationship ends that you didn't realise was coming, preparation is to take some time to reflect and take care of yourself. If you have decided to move forward taking self-care is the best preparation you can do. Dating can be fun. You can feel like a teenage girl again, waiting for your first kiss, you can feel anticipation, butterflies, excitement and the magic feels so good. Jenn has had some dating disasters in the beginning until she changed her thinking process. She would meet a man and line every thing up in her head, she would see him as her future husband before date three. Jenn would jump straight into the idea that this man would forever and never really let herself enjoy the dating process. That's why Jenn believes that self care and making sure your heart is not too fragile when you decide to date again is important because you can step into obsession or love sickness very easily if you start putting all your emotions and heart into something that you haven't built any stamina for yet. Jenn teaches women how to date multiple men at the same time, instead of giving your heart to one man right away until be has stepped up and asked for a commitment, because until they have asked for a exclusive relationship they will keep their options open. Women are wired differently and are taught that once a man gives us any type of attention then he has our heart and we should focus all of our attention on him and shut down all our other options otherwise he will not want us. Men until they have decided that you are the one for them can't handle your undivided romantic attention. If you focus all your attention on them before they have decided that they want to be with you exclusively, your energy works in a way that it pushes them away, they are not that comfortable receiving that attention until they have decided that you are some one they would like to spend a considerable amount of time with. Women can be guilty of acting a little weirdly once they give their attention to a man if he hasn't whole-heartedly committed to them. They start to make it all about him, what's his schedule, what is his likes, how can they hang out with his friends and we never really invite him on our journey. There is no best way to connect with some one, however a great profile for on line dating, with well thought out good pictures is a good start. Women can meet a man anywhere, on line dating is one avenue to explore yourself romantically, and set firm boundaries on how you take care of your self and how much fun you have with men in general. It's important to come from a place of wanting to have more fun than you have ever had before. Jenn co-hosts a podcast called Single Smart Female, where they take questions from single females around the world about dating. The podcast attempts to shake up the statues quo for women and dating and bring something real and fun to it. Whilst Jenn only works with women her tips for the male listeners of Breakup Recovery Podcast would be: Men can be very confused then it comes to how to treat women at times because different women want to be treated in different ways. But if men continue to be willing to ask the questions and keep that open dialogue because women change their minds and evolve. Jenn has a special offer for the listeners of Breakup Recovery Podcast and if you go to this link: www.jennburton.com/breakuprecovery you will receive a free class on dating boundaries that makes you irresistible and unforgettable.

Robert Kandell is a successful writer, teacher, podcast host and coach. He has helped people build successful and honest relationships through workshops, lectures and live events. Robert understands the challenges that arise when breakups happen and he shares his own breakup stories and the steps he undertook to get back on track. One of the key strategies that Robert did following his breakup was to learn to be by himself. He started a four-month celibacy, where he did not look for another relationship, rather he looked within and found that he was always looking for validation from his partners. He needed to be right, he needed to know that he was a good man and he was attractive. With this information Robert started to look for ways to build up his own self-esteem. He had heard a saying that resonated with him that self-esteem is built upon estimable acts. So Robert learned to do things that made him feel good about himself, such as going to the gym and working with a personal trainer, he worked with a therapist and quite sugar. Robert believes that most of us are taught to withhold the truth, to lie, to sooth other people's egos. Often the truth is difficult to hear and say to another person, and if your relationship is built on lies and untruths then how can you have an honest and authentic relationship. Truth and open communication is the glue that holds a relationship together. People hold back or hide some truths from their partner for fear and shame that they could loose their partner. This creates a false foundation because our partner doesn't really know who we are. You walk around with disguises on rather then telling the truth. You assume their reaction and play out stories in your mind as to their reaction. When coaching people Roberts tells his clients to tell their partner 100% authentic truth, and if that person chooses to leave them then they were not right for his client and tells them that they will find some one who is good for them. The basis for a successful relationship is telling the truth, being honest and feeling safe in telling that person everything about you. When you do this Its like a weight has been lifted of your shoulders and brings you closer to your partner rather than living in a mediocre relationship You can find out more about Robert Kandell @ www.tufflove.live and on twitter @robertkandell and his podcast is Tuff Love.

Chris is a relationship coach and in this episode we discuss how to Chris navigated his own breakup, how to sustain a successful relationship, the importance of knowing what we want and need in a partner, the significance of loving ourselves and how to achieving self love. When Chris Armstrong went through his own breakup he let some time go by before he explored at the breakdown of his relationship. By taking this time he was able to look at it with a clear head. He filled his spare time with meaningful activities that he enjoyed doing. He talked to people that had a authentic interest and desire to understand how he was doing. Understanding your non-negotiable traits that you need in a person is one of the keys to sustaining a successful relationship. So often people put their heart before their head or focus on finding someone that is the opposite to their ex-partner rather than looking for the qualities that are nonnegotiable like their personality, physical aspects and lifestyle traits. Chris also explained how your self-confidence or lack there of has a huge impact on your relationships. If you are lacking self confidence, if you are second guessing yourself, having that double talk with yourself, how are you going to teach people how you should be treaded and often you will accept less than what you deserve. Confident people know what they need and know that their needs need to be met. There are a number of behaviors to measures if you are a confident person. A confident person gets their self worth from the impact they have on others and the setting and achieving goals. A person that lacks self-confidence allows the judgments of others to weight heavily on himself or herself. They get their self worth from the validation of others or material things. If you are constantly putting yourself down, taking the blame when things go wrong and that is your default mode then you are lacking in self-confidence. Chris shared some strategies you can put in place so you can feel more confident and love yourself more. One of them was to always look on the other side of the isle, no one is perfect and it is so easy to be critical of yourself and look for all your faults. Chris talked about the power of the incomplete partner and how the point of a good relationship is not for either partner to be perfect the idea is that if you have two incomplete people they can make a complete partnership, each person brings different things into the relationship. If you don't believe in yourself how can you attract someone to believe in you. You can read further articles that Chris Armstrong has written @ www.mazeoflove.com And twitter @Maze0fLove

Lisa's life felt like a movie gone bad when she received a text whilst on holidays from her husband of 16 years telling her the marriage was over. And that was the last piece of correspondence she ever had from her husband. After some digging Lisa found that her husband had been living a double life, he had manufactured a job he didn't have, he fabricated an income, racked up a 6-figure debt and had married another woman therefore committing felony bigamy. Lisa felt completely alone, and started to journal her story as therapy, which soon become her blog 'Lessons from the end of a marriage' with the intention to help other people who were facing similar situations. The blog also shares stories on how to survive divorce, life in general, how to overcome abandonment, emotional abuse and gaslighting, which Lisa experienced. People often struggle with the length of time it can take to get over a breakup, and want to feel better right away. They often get down on themselves when they don't feel better on the time frame they have allowed. Having gratitude is an amazing and powerful tool that can be used to help train the mind to focus on all the good things that are happening in your life, rather than giving attention the bad things that are occurring after a breakup. Another of Lisa's tips is to start a journal, not just for dumping all your emotions and feelings in it and keeping you at the pity party. Divide the journal into three sections, the first section is for purging and get out all the pain ad the past. The second one is for the present, what you are thankful for right now, and for some problem solving. The third and last section is for your future hopes and dreams. They don't have to feel attainable right now and that's ok, its more for thinking forward and keeping the hope alive. Lisa believes that people can get stuck in thinking that things will never be the same and they will never be happy. However things can be different and that is ok and could even be better. Having balance in your life is also important, not focusing too much on your troubles and worries, but spending time enjoying yourself and bringing happiness back into your life. Lisa's blog can be found @ lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com and follow on twitter @stilllearning2b

So often when you are experiencing a breakup, divorce or separation you feel like you are swimming in play dough, your arms are moving but you are going no where. In this episode Tanya Somerton explores the benefits of working with a life coach and stylist, about gaining clarity on problems and issues you may have found elusive, some of the stigmas surrounding divorce, her book 'The jelly bean jar', working with both men and women and much more. Tanya Somerton is a divorce expert who together with her team of experts, work with clients to turn the trauma and pain of a divorce around and begin the journey to recovery. There can be a stigma associated with people who have been through a divorce, that there is something wrong with them, that they are not worthy of happiness, your future does not look bright. Tanya believes divorce does not mean the end of your life but it's the start of something that can be amazing and wonderful. In Tanya's book 'The jelly Bean Jar' Tanya reveals her blueprint for a successful divorce, from dealing with professionals to save you time and money, the questions you need to ask, and the tricks and tools to set yourself up for future success and independence. Tanya also offered listeners of Breakup Recovery Podcast her eBook '46 Mindset secrets to turn your life around and become wealthy' for free. Use the coupon code 'podcast' when ordering in the cart process. More about Tanya and what she has to offer can be found @ http://tanyasomerton.com and Facebook: Tanya Somerton - Divorce Angel

This is Breakup Recovery's 100th episode where I asked listeners to send in the questions that they wanted me to cover in this special episode. I shared my insights, tips and strategies on a number of topics ranging from 'how do you stop loving some one so much?', 'how do I move on', 'should I follow them on social media' and 'the importance of you'. There are so many emotions that are going through your body after a breakup. You are possibly stuck and don't know how to move forward, that is why you are listening to this podcast or reading articles, blogs and books to help you to recover and start to feel normal again. The hurt you are feeling can be so intense, you wonder if you will ever mend your broken heart and be happy again. I don't think it is that easy to stop loving some one, especially if you have spent a lot of time with this person. Or if you have been blindsided by the breakup, you never saw it coming. It can be very difficult to one-day stop loving the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with. This question 'how do I move on' is universally asked by those that are going through a breakup. So don't feel that you are the only person questioning yourself about how can you move on after your relationship ends. There can be a number of reasons that you feel that you are not moving on or that you are not moving on the way you would like to. In this episode I share some of the top reasons that might be holding you back from moving forward and enjoying life again. If you are checking their instagram page, snap chat, their twitter account, their face book status, every hour, I want you to ask yourself this question, 'why are you doing this?'. Are you looking for a sign that they are missing you, that their life is a mess, they are so unhappy and can't live with out you? But is this a reality, have you ever seen someone's post saying they are feeling crappy, they are a mess emotionally and they just aren't coping? How is that going to make you feel when you see them out and about with their friends?

Jill Sockwell and her co-author Suzanne Riss were both divorced and looking for advice that was uplifting, and inspiring. Answers that were realistic and true to life that they themselves could put into place so they could navigate this challenging process called divorce. They couldn't find this advice or the resources to match their requirements, so they wrote their book 'The Optimist's Guide To Divorce', which is a 'how-to' for people going through a divorce. Jill describes the divorce process as a marathon not a sprint and there can be a variety of solutions for the diverse challenges that divorce presents. Attitude is everything and it can be so easy to get caught up in the negatives, however if you try and look on the bright side, look for the best in this difficult situation then the process can be a little easier to deal with. Breaking up can be an isolating experience initially so Jill and Suzanne started their Maplewood Divorce club in March 2103 so that women could come together and support and help each other through the challenging and testing process. One tip that Jill would offer women going through a divorce is that it's going to get better and look for ways to grown and change for the better from this difficult experience, some days are going to be better than others. Choose to look for the positives and one way to do this is to start a gratitude journal, even when you are not feeling amazing or ok, looking back over what you have written, all the good that is happening in your life will lift your mood You can purchase the book 'The Optimist's Guide To Divorce' @ www.optimistsguidetodivorce.com and follow on Facebook @optimistsguidetodivorce

Stephanie Dalfonzo offers some practical exercises that can quickly break up and change habits that are causing you to feel overwhelmed, stressed and anxious. Using these simple yet effective strategies and techniques can help bring you out of depression and into the present moment. Doing things differently does not have to be complicated, long or big, they just have to be of value. Like the restorative yoga pose of legs up the wall, even thought it's a passive pose, combine it with controlled breathing helps lower anxiety and stress and calms the body. In this episode Stephanie shares real stories and antidotes and guides you through techniques that will release tension and help you to feel better both physically and emotionally. When you are in absolute overwhelm it can be difficult to change your habits but Stephanie has broken these habits into small bite size achievable routines. Stephanie's website is stephaniedalfonzo.com

Accepting that your relationship is over and making the necessary adjustments to your life can be difficult. It's human nature to resist change and to cling to comfort. However the more you resist the breakup, the harder it will be to heal and move on and the easier it will be to fall into depression and anxiety. Learning how to accept a breakup you didn't want or expect doesn't mean you have to resign yourself to being single or unhappy for the rest of your life. In this episode I offer some tips and ideas for you to take action and reclaim your identity so you can experience a bright future, heal and move on after your breakup.

Julia's number one tip for women who have broken up with their partners is to join a single parent or a single mum's group. These groups will give you insights and help and support you through and beyond your breakup. Julia's podcast is another great resource for single parents and was created to assist newly single mothers in all things they need to know about been single. Subjects range from sex, dating and relationships, helping your children through the separation, interviews with other inspirational single mums and why been a single mum is amazing. Find out more about Julia, her blog and her podcast @ http://www.singlemothersurvivalguide.com

Living through a breakup can be stressful, it can be daunting and it can be emotionally draining. Your thoughts are overwhelming as you struggle to think of positives in your life. So how do you pick yourself up after your breakup, how do you dig yourself out of the big dark hole you find yourself in? How can you change the negative story you keep telling yourself? In this episode I offer suggestion to do just that, to change the way you think and act, to bring happiness and joy back in your life. You can either stay in the depths of despair or you can climb back out and reclaim the life you want and deserve.

How do you go from being a hot mess to creating the life your want after your breakup? In her books, her blog and her program Honoree provides the formula for victory for single moms and dads so that they can find success, find new love, cook healthy meals and find a general sense of happiness. Self-acceptance and self love is the first step in attracting the life for yourself and your children. Find more about the Single Moms & Dads books @ http://honoreecorder.com/single-moms/