Coping

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This episode of "Coping" covers a discussion between Kathy and Kevin about self-compassion, addressing common myths and misconceptions. They reference Kristin Neff's research and quotes throughout the discussion. Kathy and Kevin debunk four main myths: that self-compassion is just feeling sorry for oneself, that it makes one weak and unmotivated, that it is selfish, and that it is the same as self-esteem. They emphasize that self-compassion involves recognizing shared human experiences, building resilience, fostering connection, and accepting imperfections. Kathy shares her initial skepticism about self-compassion, noting how she initially viewed it as unproductive. Kevin admits to thinking self-compassion was self-pity. Both now advocate for self-compassion as a means to nurture oneself, build strength, and enhance relationships with others. Kathy closes the discussion with a poem by John Donahue, encouraging gentle self-care. Highlights Introduction to Self-Compassion and Addressing Misunderstandings - Kathy introduces a new series on self-compassion, highlighting its values in upcoming episodes. - Kevin acknowledges common misunderstandings about self-compassion, admitting he once doubted its usefulness, viewing it as self-pity or a sign of weakness that would reduce productivity. - Kathy mentions that eight years ago, she didn't fully grasp the depth and practices of self-compassion, and how it can lead to increased connection, strength, and resilience. - Kathy and Kevin plan to debunk four major myths about self-compassion and reveal its power. Myth 1: Self-Compassion is Just Feeling Sorry for Myself - Kevin admits he used to equate self-compassion with self-pity, feeling bad when things went wrong. - Kevin clarifies that self-pity is self-focused, involving questions like "Why me?" and dwelling on negative aspects, whereas self-compassion is different. - Kathy explains that self-compassion reminds us of our shared human experience, acknowledging that everyone struggles, which fosters connection rather than isolation. - Kevin notes that self-pity isolates, while self-compassion nurtures the hurting part of ourselves, encouraging us to seek support and connection. - Kevin suggests that during challenging times, acknowledging pain and asking what one needs can aid healing. - Kathy mentions Kristin Neff as a leading researcher in self-compassion, whose myths they are summarizing and paraphrasing. - Kathy shares Neff's quote: "Self-compassion frames the experience of imperfection in light of the shared human experience." - Kevin emphasizes that this perspective shifts us from isolation to connection, allowing imperfections to be viewed in a broader context. Myth 2: Self-Compassion Will Make Me Weak and Unmotivated - Kathy admits she used to believe that being harsh on herself was necessary for motivation and change, fearing that self-care would lead to a breakdown. - Kathy states that research shows the opposite: being harsh wears you down, while self-compassion builds resilience and strength to face daily struggles. - Kevin acknowledges that self-compassion is a challenging practice that becomes more habitual with effort, providing needed energy and support. - Kevin shares Neff's quote: "The supportive stance of self-compassion provides strength to face the battles of life," extending it to include internal battles. - Kevin discusses using self-compassion in therapy to address painful memories and insecurities, finding it a source of strength for internal struggles. - Kathy uses the analogy of putting on an oxygen mask first, emphasizing that self-compassion enables us to help others by acknowledging our own needs. - Kathy concludes that being kind to oneself is not weak but smart and strong. - Kevin, drawing from his experience as a first responder, reiterates the importance of self-care to effectively care for others. - Kevin emphasizes that one must practice self-care to genuinely encourage it in others. Myth 3: Self-Compassion Is Selfish - Kathy introduces the third myth: self-compassion is selfish, with people worrying that focusing on self-care will lead to neglecting others. - Kevin argues that compassion is not a limited resource; being good to ourselves provides more energy to support others. - Kevin shares that he is more effective at work when rested and having taken care of himself. - Kathy shares Kristin's quote: "The more compassion that flows inward, the more resources we have available to be there for others." - Kathy likens self-compassion to compounding interest, where investing in ourselves multiplies our capacity to share with others. - Kevin introduces the model that you can't give what you don't have, emphasizing the need to extend grace and support to oneself before offering it to others. - Kevin notes that research supports this in both personal relationships and when caring for strangers, indicating that self-compassion enhances one's ability to love and care for those in their personal life. Myth 4: Self-Compassion Is the Same as Self-Esteem - Kathy introduces the final myth, clarifying that self-esteem and self-compassion are often confused but are quite different. - Kathy explains that self-esteem depends on feeling special or superior and fluctuates with success and failure. - Kathy states that self-compassion involves accepting ourselves as imperfect humans, regardless of circumstances. - Kevin reflects on how his feelings of value fluctuate, suggesting he relies more on self-esteem than self-compassion. - Kevin shares Kristin Neff's quote: "With self-compassion, we don't need to be perfect or better than anyone else to feel good about ourselves." - Kathy emphasizes that self-compassion is more freeing and sustainable than constantly seeking approval. - Kevin admits to being guilty of seeking external approval. Conclusion: The Essence of Self-Compassion - Kevin summarizes that self-compassion is not self-pity, weakness, selfishness, or merely self-esteem, but something more profound. - Kathy concludes that practicing self-compassion builds resilience, connection, and worth. - Kathy encourages viewers to reflect on the myths that resonate with them and take small steps toward self-compassion. - Kathy closes with a poem by John Donahue titled "For One Who is Exhausted," advocating for gentle self-care and reflection.

This episode of "Coping" covers a discussion about discovering one's calling through three key 'calling clues.' The hosts, Kathy and Kevin, explore how these clues can help people uncover their life's purpose. The three clues discussed are Campaign (what causes people feel passionate about), Curiosity (what naturally fascinates people), and Childhood (early life indicators of calling). Kevin shares his passion for end-of-life care and palliative care, while Kathy reveals her background in education despite initial resistance. The conversation concludes with a guided meditation led by Kevin to help listeners connect with their calling. Highlights Introduction to Calling Clues Kathy introduces the episode's focus on recognizing 'calling clues' that can help discover one's purpose. She compares finding a calling to solving a mystery and announces that they will explore three specific clues. First Clue: Campaign The first clue discussed is 'Campaign' - focusing on causes or issues people feel strongly about. Kevin shares his passion for palliative care and end-of-life care, particularly regarding advanced care planning and directives. They reference Brené Brown's example of starting a global conversation about shame and resilience. Second Clue: Curiosity The discussion moves to 'Curiosity' as the second clue, examining what naturally fascinates people. They emphasize paying attention to reading choices, podcast preferences, and conversation topics as indicators. Kevin explains his curiosity about death and decision-making, while Kathy realizes her general curiosity about human behavior and decision-making. Third Clue: Childhood The final clue explores childhood indicators of calling. Kathy shares her family background in education and her initial resistance to becoming a teacher. Kevin discusses his early inclination toward priesthood. They emphasize how childhood dreams often contain profound clues about one's calling. Closing Meditation The episode concludes with Kevin leading a guided meditation designed to help listeners connect with their calling. The meditation involves visualization of a peaceful landscape and passing through a symbolic portal to gain insights about one's perfect work.

Summary This episode of "Coping" covers different ways people view work, based on Professor Amy Rizinski's research framework. Kathy and Kevin Deegan explore three primary perspectives: work as a job (focused on paycheck), work as a career (focused on advancement), and work as a calling (focused on meaning and fulfillment). The conversation delves into how societal changes have led to people seeking more purpose in their daily work activities. The speakers share personal experiences, including Kevin's journey from working at a pizza parlor to pursuing education, and Kathy's evolution from teaching to finding a greater calling. They emphasize the importance of identifying one's mindset towards work and discuss strategies for discovering one's vocation, including the need to pause and reflect.   Highlights   Introduction to Different Views of Work Kathy and Kevin introduce the topic of how people view work differently, highlighting three main perspectives: as a paycheck, as a career ladder to climb, or as a vocation/calling. They emphasize the importance of understanding one's view of work to determine future direction.   Work as a Paycheck Perspective The discussion explores the traditional view of work as means of survival. Kevin shares personal experience working at a pizza parlor in Los Angeles while pursuing acting. They discuss how the paycheck mindset can sometimes conflict with pursuing meaningful work and how focusing solely on money can create a false sense of security.   Career-Oriented Mindset The discussion continues, examining work as a career, focusing on advancement and professional growth. Kathy shares her journey through education, including obtaining a master's degree in English education and spending 15 years in the education field before seeking greater impact.   Understanding Calling and Vocation The conversation explores the concept of calling, tracing its etymology to the Latin 'vocatio'. They discuss how the concept has evolved from being exclusively religious to becoming more broadly applicable, emphasizing the connection between finding one's voice and discovering one's calling.   Practical Advice for Finding Your Calling The speakers provide practical guidance for discovering one's vocation, emphasizing the importance of pausing to reflect and listen to one's life. They discuss balanced approaches to career changes and conclude with Kate Bowler's blessing for when the road is long.

Summary This episode of "Coping" covers what a calling is, and debunks three major misconceptions about it. Kathy and Kevin discuss that calling isn't just for certain people but is universal, and it doesn't always manifest as a clear, dramatic moment. They discuss the difference between jobs (which pay bills), careers (climbing the ladder), and callings (which provide meaning and purpose). The conversation concludes with a reading of John Donahue's poem 'For the Traveler.' Highlights Introduction to Calling and Its Evolution The speakers begin by introducing the topic of calling and its importance. They establish that calling isn't static but evolves over time. Statistical evidence is presented showing the evolution of job changes: from 1-2 jobs in 1950, 4-6 in 1980, to a projected 12 jobs by 2025. Yale professor Amy Rosinski's framework is discussed, distinguishing between jobs (for paying bills), careers (ladder climbing), and callings (meaningful purpose). Myth 1: Calling is Unchanging and Linear The first myth addressed is that calling remains unchanged throughout life. Kevin emphasizes that people are called, not jobs, and that calling evolves as individuals grow. Kathy uses the metaphor of Russian stacking dolls to illustrate how calling evolves into larger versions while maintaining core identity. Parker Palmer's quote about listening to one's life is referenced to emphasize the connection between calling and identity. Myth 2: Calling is Only for Other People The second myth discusses the misconception that calling is only for special individuals. Both speakers share personal experiences: Kathy initially resisted following her family's educational legacy, while Kevin, as a chaplain, notes how people often associate calling only with religious vocations. They emphasize that everyone has a unique purpose to fulfill. Myth 3: Calling is Always Clear and Obvious The final myth addresses the misconception that calling appears as a dramatic moment of revelation. The speakers reference Bill Burnett's work on Design Your Life Thinking and discuss how calling often emerges through small moments rather than dramatic 'burning bush' experiences. They emphasize that calling develops through exploration and reflection, with Kevin introducing the concept of 'lowercase c' calling moments versus 'capital C' moments.

To donate to people in need in Los Angeles, visit these links: World Central Kitchenhttps://wck.org Los Angeles Food Bankhttps://www.lafoodbank.org/ Los Angeles Fire Department Foundationhttps://supportlafd.org/ Summary This episode of "Coping" covers the devastating fires in Los Angeles and their impact on the community. Kathy and Kevin discuss both the physical and emotional toll of these fires, sharing a personal account from an Altadena resident affected by the Eaton fires. The conversation explores themes of loss, grief processing, and eventual renewal. They emphasize the importance of acknowledging grief, seeking support, and finding opportunities for renewal and community connection in times of crisis. The episode concludes with practical advice for those affected and a prayer for those impacted by the fires. Highlights Introduction to LA Fires Discussion Kathy and Kevin introduce the episode's focus on the Los Angeles fires, acknowledging both the physical destruction and emotional impact on the community. They emphasize the need for compassion and resilience during this crisis. Personal Account from Altadena Resident A detailed firsthand account is shared from an Altadena resident affected by the Eaton fires, describing their evacuation experience and the stark contrast between sunlight and smoke-filled darkness. The account highlights the sudden nature of evacuation and the devastating reality of not being able to return home. Hosts' Personal Experiences with Natural Disasters Kathy and Kevin share their own experiences with natural disasters, including Kevin's childhood experience with Hurricane Andrew in Miami, which involved months without power and school. They discuss how past traumas can resurface during current crises. Processing Grief and Finding Support The conversation continues with the importance of properly processing grief rather than compartmentalizing it, referencing Mindy Caliguire's book 'Ignite Your Soul'. They emphasize the importance of seeking support through counseling, therapy, or trusted friends. Community Response and Renewal The discussion concludes with observations about the Los Angeles community's positive response to the crisis, highlighting how residents are supporting each other despite negative online narratives. The episode ends with a prayer about devastation and renewal, emphasizing hope for those affected by the fires.

Summary This episode of "Coping" centers on the idea of 'Blue Christmas,' exploring how the holiday season can be both joyful and sorrowful for many people. Kathy and Kevin discuss how grief and joy can coexist during the holidays, particularly for those experiencing loss or major life changes. Kevin shares a personal experience from 2020 working as a bedside chaplain during Covid, while Kathy discusses her preference for Thanksgiving over Christmas due to its focus on gratitude. The conversation includes recommendations for grief support resources, specifically mentioning David Kessler's holiday grief support and Grief Share's 'Surviving the Holidays' program. The episode concludes with a suggested ritual of hanging a blue ornament and shares Jan Richardson's 'Blessing for the Brokenhearted' poem.   Highlights   Introduction to Blue Christmas Concept The hosts introduce the concept of 'Blue Christmas,' acknowledging that while the holiday season is typically portrayed as joyful, it can be a time of deep sorrow for many. Speaker0 emphasizes that it's acceptable to feel both joy and sadness during the holidays, whether due to recent loss or general struggles.   Personal Experiences with Blue Christmas Kevin shares his significant Blue Christmas experience from 2020 while working as a hospital chaplain during Covid, feeling disconnected from the holiday spirit. Kathy reflects on her preference for Thanksgiving over Christmas, noting how commercialization has affected the holiday's meaning.   Support Resources and Coping Strategies The hosts discuss two major grief support resources: David Kessler's holiday grief support sessions and Grief Share's 'Surviving the Holidays' program. Kathy shares a success story about someone who found community through Grief Share, even leading to social activities like cruises with fellow group members.   Closing Ritual and Poetic Reflection The episode concludes with Kevin suggesting a ritual of hanging a blue ornament on the Christmas tree to acknowledge sadness during the holidays. The hosts share Jan Richardson's 'Blessing for the Brokenhearted' poem, which explores themes of love, grief, and resilience. Kevin  Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of "Coping". Today we're going to center around a powerful theme that speaks to many during this time of year.    Kathy  Yes, today we're going to be talking about the idea of a blue Christmas, and this acknowledges that while the holiday season is often portrayed as joyful and celebratory, for many it's a time of deep sorrow, reflection, and longing.    Kevin  All right, let's get started.    Kevin  So this concept of a blue Christmas reminds us that it's okay not to feel cheerful during the holidays, whether you've experienced a recent loss or a major life change this last year, or you just simply find yourself struggling. The idea of blue Christmas creates space for all of those feelings to exist without judgment.   And I would even say to coexist that you can feel both joy and sadness in this time of year. What do you think about that, Kathy?    Kathy  Yes. I think that we often associate it with Elvis Presley's famous song, but the significance of this of course goes deeper and is felt more strongly depending on what your circumstances are. Churches and communities sometimes hold blue Christmas services as a way to honor grief and create a sacred space for those who need it.    Kevin  Yeah, and you know, whether you are part of a faith community or have your own faith practices at home, these types of rituals often feature quiet reflection, soft lighting, and even specific practices that can validate feelings of sadness, but are intended to offer some hope and comfort in that sense of community and in those rituals that are offered.   And again, they just remind us that grief and joy can coexist. And I think this is an often misconception of grief in general, that the experience of grief happens only one stage at a time, it's like it's a linear experience. And those of you that have been through grief know that the reality is you can feel many emotions within one day and within one moment even.   And so this time of year can bring up all of those emotions, perhaps not just joy, perhaps not just sadness, but a good mix of both.    Kathy  You know, we talk about a season that's supposed to be merry and bright. But like you mentioned, sometimes there's a mix of different things that occur in happy or celebratory times for us. It's that bittersweet that we talk about. Have you ever had a blue Christmas?    Kevin  That's such a good question. I don't think that there is one year in particular that was more blue than others. Well, you know, actually, now that I think of it, I think 2020 is perhaps the pinnacle blue Christmas for me.    Kathy  Sure, sure.   Kevin  At that time, I was working as a bedside chaplain at a hospital that was overrun with Covid, like many were.   And it was the first year that I felt like it wasn't Christmas, that the season really had no meaning. And I felt disconnected from some of the decorations I saw up and around, some of the attire that folks were wearing, like Christmas hats and red.   It just felt so far from the reality of what I was experiencing each day that I didn't know how to feel merry and bright and filled with joy and celebration in that year. And so I think that was the year that was a blue Christmas because it was like a non-existent Christmas. The spirit of the season was just so absent for me. What about for you?    Kathy  I don't know if I could think of an actual blue Christmas, but there have definitely been Christmases that have been hard and heavy for certain, where it didn't feel like that everything, it didn't match the moment of what the season is supposed to be. But I mean, I think the truth of the true story of Christmas is also the same.   We just have commercialized it to, with the Hallmark movies and all of the trappings of Christmas, especially here in this country, which is why it's not my favorite holiday, admittedly. It's why I like Thanksgiving because it's back to the --Thanksgiving focuses more on gratitude and family and meaningful things. And so--    Kevin  You bring up such a great point about how, you know, if you're listening today and you don't have a specific loss that you've had this year or perhaps you can't even think of a major loss in your life, a blue Christmas can still be an experience that you're you're having and it may just be all of those little losses that we carry with us in our lives and the hardships that shape us through year after year and perhaps you're not even sure why you feel a little bit of that tinge of sadness and the invitation from this idea of blue Christmas isn't to to invite all of those authentic feelings that you're feeling this time of year and allow whatever color your spirit is right now that it's okay to feel those feelings in the midst of seeing decorations go up and celebrations go up that we each have to create space for that blue or create space for whatever other color our spirit is this season    Kathy  Yes, exactly. And there are some wonderful resources that can help guide us through the process of navigating grief through the holidays. The first resource we'd like to highlight is Holiday Grief Support with David Kessler. And some of you may know David is one of the world's foremost experts on grief.   His free holiday sessions offer practical strategies to help you honor your loved ones and find meaning during this challenging time.    Kevin  So, David Kessler is a resource that we reference a lot here on this podcast, and I think what's really special about David's work and his approach is that he focuses on finding a balance between grief that is real and present, but also the season that calls for celebration. And he talks about creating new traditions that can honor the past while also embracing the present and still what is to come.   And so I just endorse this holiday grief support group and resources that David Kessler and his team offers. And there's a second resource that is also really beneficial any time of year, but especially now. There's a grief support group called Grief Share, and they have a specific gathering and resources called Surviving the Holidays.   Again, recognizing this idea that the holidays can be merry and bright, but also filled with sadness. And so their program offers workshops. They also have some specifically designed steps that you can take, strategies to navigate all of the complexities of the season and all the emotions that come.    Kathy  Yes, I've known quite a few people who have benefited from Grief Share in our community. Two of the things that -- two of their offerings that are particularly important: one is that they do offer seasonal holiday "coping with the holiday" type workshops, which I think is the importance of planning ahead for when you might be missing your loved one or you're facing a loss, whatever that may be.   And then the second thing about Grief Share is that they exist with ongoing groups. And I personally know someone who lost their wife and grief share literally saved his life because he's able to connect with this community. Last I heard he was going on a cruise with his Grief Share people. So it just really was a place for him to find connection and hope again. So we highly recommend Grief Share.    Kevin  And before we close today, we have a little bit of a homework assignment for you all. If you want to create space for a blue Christmas, I want to encourage you to hang a blue ornament on your Christmas tree somewhere. Whether it's front and center, whether it's off to the side, or just in the background that's at the top or towards the bottom, you find wherever the placement feels right.   We want this ritual of hanging a blue ornament to symbolize you creating space for sadness this time of year.    Kathy  Before we close, we want to share a beautiful reflection that ties into the theme of A Blue Christmas. It's Jan Richardson's "Blessing for the Broken-Hearted" poem, which offers a powerful message about the resilience of love and grief.    Kevin  "A Blessing for the Broken-Hearted: by Jan Richardson. Let us agree for now that we will not say the breaking makes us stronger, or that it is better to have this pain than to have done without this love. Let us promise we will not tell ourselves time will heal the wound when every day our waking opens it anew. Perhaps, for now, it can be enough to simply marvel at the mystery of how a heart so broken can go on beating, as if it were made for precisely this, as if it knows the only cure for love is more of it, as if it sees the heart's sole remedy for breaking is to love still, as if it trusts that its own persistent pulse is the rhythm of a blessing we cannot begin to fathom, but will save us nonetheless. Amen.

This bonus podcast covers a blessing for Election Day written by Kate Bowler. It is a prayer seeking divine guidance, peace, and mercy during the election process. The prayer acknowledges the anxiety and potential dangers surrounding the election, and asks for God's protection of truth, justice, and goodness. It calls for honesty, decency, and integrity in the electoral process, and for leaders who will work for the common good. The blessing emphasizes the importance of respect, patience, and the possibility of compromise. It concludes with a message of hope and a call to find joy even in challenging times.   Highlights Introduction and Initial Prayer Kathy introduces the blessing for Election Day by Kate Bowler. An unknown speaker then begins the prayer, asking for God's mercy and protection amidst anxiety and potential danger. The speaker quotes Psalm 65:7, highlighting God's power to calm turmoil. Prayer for the Election Process The prayer continues, asking for blessings on the land and the election process. It calls for honesty, decency, and integrity in all aspects of the election. The speaker emphasizes the need for respectful listening and the possibility of compromise. Prayer for Leadership and Unity The blessing asks for leaders who will work for the common good, seek reconciliation, and unite the country. It emphasizes the need to protect vulnerable and fearful individuals. Conclusion and Call to Action The prayer concludes with a call to trust in God's guidance and strength. It encourages listeners to pray and then find someone to laugh with, emphasizing that there is still time. The blessing ends with a quote from Romans 15:13, focusing on hope, joy, and peace through faith. Kathy  Blessing for Election Day, by Kate Bowler: Oh God, we are anxious as we stand at the edge of so much opportunity, so much danger. God, calm our fears, protect us, and all that is true and just and good. God, have mercy. Christ, have mercy.  Spirit, have mercy. God, you still the roaring of the seas, the pounding of the waves, and the tumult of the nations. Psalm 65:7. God, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. Spirit, have mercy. Blessed are we to turn to you and pray.  Oh God, bless our lands, and through this whole election inspire honesty in every intention, decency in every action, integrity in every decision, and the healing of every division. Grant us grace to respect others and listen patiently in a way that restores the possibility of change and creative compromise.  Blessed are we who ask that you establish stability and peace through leaders who will work for the good of us all, who will seek reconciliation and unite our country in a way forward together to shelter those who are vulnerable, hurting, and afraid.  Blessed are we who trust You to stand by us, strengthen us, and guide us by the light of your wisdom and love. God have mercy, Christ have mercy, Spirit have mercy. Pray once, then find someone to laugh with you.  There is time. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing so that with the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13. Amen.