Delight Your Marriage

If you've ever looked in the mirror and felt disappointed... If you've ever believed the lie that your body isn't beautiful enough, desirable enough, or worthy enough... I want you to know something. That voice is not God's voice. The God who knit you together in your mother's womb did not make a mistake when He made you. Your body is not something to be ashamed of. Your story is not something to hide. Your weaknesses are not proof that you've failed. In fact, some of the sweetest intimacy in marriage happens when we stop pretending we're perfect and allow ourselves to be fully seen. Seen physically. Seen emotionally. Seen fully & honestly. The enemy would love for you to stay hidden behind shame. But God invites you into freedom. He invites you into connection. He invites you into the warmth that comes when we stop performing and start being known. You don't have to arrive at perfection before you allow yourself to be loved. You are already loved. And that changes everything. With love, The Delight Your Marriage Team (Shownotes written with AI assistance) PS - Wives, want to know more about the Course mentioned in this episode? Check out The Path Back to Warmth, sign up here! delightyourmarriage.com/wivespath PPS - Ready to take the leap and begin healing your marriage? Our Clarity Advisors would love to talk with you. Schedule a Free Clarity Call and take the first step towards healing. PPS - Here is what a recent Coaching Graduate had to say: "I was not good at giving him compliments. I thought them but I didn't tell him. I'm not good at being playful. Learning how to be more playful has helped our marriage... [He] is my eternal companion and I know we make a great team. Having my girls see how we interact and see our happiness will be a great example for their families."

Maybe intimacy in your marriage doesn't look the way you thought it would. Maybe there are physical limitations. Health challenges. Pain. Insecurity. Lack of desire. Aging. Shame. Or just a deep sadness that things don't feel the way they "should." And maybe, quietly, you've wondered: Is something wrong with me? Is something wrong with us? Are we just broken? This episode is for the husband or wife who feels discouraged, different, or alone in this area of marriage. Let this be an encouragement that intimacy is more than what we often make it out to be. It is about unity. Tenderness. Connection. Loving your spouse well in the ways you are able. If you feel unseen or forgotten by God in this area, this is a reminder that God sees you. You are not forgotten. You are not beyond hope. And you are not strange or weird for wanting help in this area. This may be a real suffering in your marriage—but suffering is not proof that God has abandoned you. He can use even this tender, painful place to grow humility, love, compassion, and deeper unity. God bless you! Love, The Delight Your Marriage Team PS - If you're ready to take the next step in healing your marriage, schedule a free Clarity Call. Get some insight into the health of your marriage and what the right next step is for you. PPS - For more information on the accessories mentioned in today's episode, please visit our website. PPPS - Here is a quote from a recent Coaching program graduate: "The biggest marital struggle that I was feeling was a lack of connection within physical intimacy. There was also a lack of trust and feeling safe to genuinely be ourselves in different areas. It was hard to communicate without the other person taking offense, switching the subject or shifting the focus, etc. and it just made it hard to grow in a lot of areas...[Because of DYM], I've been able to truly shift my priorities to just focus on myself in the terms of how can I love my wife the way that God intended me to...[Intimacy has] been happening so much more than in the past, but more importantly, it's been meaningful, fulfilling, and it's being enjoyed without fear of strings being attached or tension from expectations..."

The Deep Theology of Sexual Unity (With Some Fun!): Interview with Randy and Rozanne Frazee Many of us were handed a shallow theology of sex — one that quietly divided the spiritual from the physical. But what if intimacy was never meant to be separate from your spiritual formation? What if marriage — even your sex life — is woven into the very story of God Himself? What if sex wasn't just God-permitted — but God-designed? And what if your marriage is part of a much bigger story than managing stress, navigating differences, or even improving your sex life? Because here's the truth: When you start seeing your marriage through God's storyline instead of just your stress and circumstances, something shifts. Not overnight. Not magically. But deeply. Steadily. For real. When you start seeing your marriage through God's storyline instead of just your stress and circumstances, something shifts. Not overnight. Not magically. But deeply. Steadily. For real. And that's exactly what Randy and Rozanne Frazee unpacked in today's episode. In this episode, you're getting a conversation that is both wildly profound and surprisingly fun. Because yes—you can talk about theology, the Trinity, the image of God, and sexual unity… and still laugh. And that's exactly what happens when you sit down with Randy and Rozanne. They've spent decades helping believers understand the Bible not as scattered verses—but as one cohesive story of God's love and pursuit. Randy has been a pastor for 38 years and had a personal mentoring relationship with Dallas Willard—so much so that Dallas asked him to rewrite Renovation of the Heart for students. And Randy and Rozanne are not just brilliant—they're the real deal. High school sweethearts, married 44 years (going on 45), four kids, and now five grandbabies in the mix. What makes this episode so special is this: They don't just talk about the Bible. They talk about how the Bible transforms marriage, unity, and yes… even your sex life. You Keep Reading the Bible Like a Reference Book… But It's Actually a Love Story You've probably been taught to read the Bible in pieces: a Proverb for wisdom a Psalm for comfort a verse for anxiety a passage when your marriage is hard And those are good. But if you only ever grab the Bible for a quick fix, you can miss the whole point: it's one grand love story—from Genesis to Revelation—about the lengths God will go to get you back. When you start seeing Scripture as one unfolding narrative, you stop reading it like a scattered collection of morals… and you start hearing it like a steady message: God is pursuing you. God is restoring you. God is rewriting what sin tried to destroy. And yes—this includes your marriage. You're Not Just Living a Life… You're Living a Story You live in what Randy and Rozanne call the "lower story": Lunches. Laundry. Bills. Hormones. Conversations you're avoiding. Tension you can't name. The ache of feeling alone, even though you're married. And it's real. But there's also an "upper story" happening at the same time: God's bigger plan, God's spiritual reality, God's redemptive work that you can't always see while you're in the middle of the mess. You see it clearly in Scripture: Job experiences devastating loss in his lower story… while an unseen spiritual battle is happening in the upper story. Joseph is betrayed, enslaved, and forgotten in his lower story… but God is positioning him in the upper story to preserve His people. That's why Joseph can say, "What you meant for evil, God meant for good." It doesn't mean the lower story didn't hurt. It means the pain wasn't the point. So ask yourself: What if the hard thing you're living through right now isn't proof you're failing… but proof God is working? God Created Marriage to Reflect His Image—and Sin Has Been Trying to Ruin It Ever Since You've heard the phrase "two become one." But you might not realize how sacred that actually is. Marriage wasn't just meant to be companionship. It was meant to reflect something divine: unity, love, covenant, oneness. In the beginning, God says, "It is not good for man to be alone." And you can read that like, "Aw, God wanted Adam to have a friend." But it's deeper. God Himself is relationship—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Not isolated. Not independent. Not self-focused. Unity. So when God creates marriage, He's not just giving Adam a partner. He's giving humanity a living picture of His image. And that's why the enemy attacks it so relentlessly. Because if your marriage reflects God's love, covenant, and unity… it becomes a threat to darkness. You Can Know Scripture… and Still Not Live It One of the most powerful themes Randy and Rozanne address is something you've probably seen too: You've met people who know the Bible. They can quote verses. They can correct theology. They can debate Greek words. And yet… They aren't gentle. They aren't kind. They aren't tender. And you're left thinking: How can someone love God's Word and still not look like Jesus? Randy explains this through something he learned from Dallas. He describes the difference between: believing something is the "right answer" versus believing it as a "way of life" And this matters for your marriage, because it's the difference between: knowing what love is supposed to look like and actually becoming the kind of person who naturally loves well The "12-Inch Journey" That Changes Everything Randy talks about the journey from: Head knowledge → Heart transformation And he explains it in a way that lands: When Jesus says, "Turn the other cheek," He isn't just commanding you to grit your teeth and try harder. He's describing what becomes natural when your heart has been reshaped. And that is what every marriage needs. Not just more information, but more transformation. Sexual Unity Isn't Just Physical… It's Theological If you've ever wondered why marriage feels so sacred—and so fiercely contested—this is why. Lean in, because this is where things get breathtaking. Randy explains the concept that: God is three Persons (Father, Son, Holy Spirit) who share one Being And marriage—two becoming one—is meant to reflect that kind of unity. Not perfectly. Not as God. But as an earthly image. And Rozanne brings it back to the practical: Sexual intimacy bonds you in a way nothing else does. It is not "just physical." It is a sacred expression of covenant oneness. And when you treat your spouse like an "other" instead of part of your own being… You start wounding your marriage from the inside. You Don't Need Your Husband to Be a Seminary Graduate to Be a Spiritual Leader If you're a wife reading this, you may be carrying a burden you were never meant to carry: "I'm the one who prays." "I'm the one who gets us to church." "I'm the one trying to get him to lead." "I'm exhausted." And if you're a husband reading this, you may feel stuck too: "She knows more than I do." "I don't even know where to start." "I work hard, but I still feel like I'm failing." Here's something freeing: Spiritual leadership isn't about being the most impressive. It's about being the one who initiates. The leader is the starter. The one who creates space where spiritual thriving can happen. That might look like: "Hey, let's read something together for 15 minutes." "Let's pray before dinner." "We're going to church as a family." "I want God in our home, and I want to learn." That's leadership. And yes—your wife might know more Scripture right now. But what she's been longing for isn't your performance. It's your presence. Your courage. Your initiation. If You Want Him to Rise, Stop Coaching His Weakness and Start Naming His Strength This is where it gets tender. Because if you're honest, you've probably tried to motivate him with disappointment. You've tried to push him into leadership by pointing out everything he's not doing. You want to feel safe. You want to feel supported. You want to be led. But here's something you need to understand about men: Men move toward competency, not incompetency. If you highlight his failure, he retreats. If you honor his effort, he leans in. So if he makes even a small move—don't critique it. Celebrate it. If he picks up a Bible, don't correct how he reads it. If he prays, don't edit his words afterward. If he initiates church, don't mention that it's "about time." Instead, try this: "Thank you. That meant a lot." "I feel cared for when you do that." "I'm grateful you're leading our family." This isn't fake flattery. It's faith. It's calling out the man you want him to become—while giving him a reason to keep going. Your Intimacy Will Not Heal If You Keep Avoiding the Scariest Conversations One of the enemy's favorite strategies is fear—specifically fear that keeps you from talking honestly about intimacy. You live with this person. You share a bed. You share a home. So why does it feel terrifying to say what you want? What you need? What hurts? What you're longing for? Because intimacy is powerful. And the enemy knows if he can keep you silent, he can keep you disconnected. But if you can learn to speak with tenderness, honesty, and safety… You can rebuild something beautiful. And here's the truth: Sex isn't dirty. It's sacred. It's a physical expression of covenant oneness. And when joy rises in your relationship, romance often rises too. Not because you force it. But because safety creates desire. And desire grows where connection is nurtured. You Don't Need Two Hours a Day. You Need One Small Step of Obedience. You might be thinking, "Okay… but I'm tired. Our life is chaotic. Where do we even begin?" Begin small. Set a timer. Fifteen minutes. That's it. Obedience comes before blessing. And when you take one small step toward God together, it does something inside you. It starts moving belief from your head to your heart—where real transformation happens. Little by little, fruit grows. And fruit isn't for the tree. Fruit is for the person who tastes it. Which means: your spiritual growth is meant to bless your spouse. Your Next Step: See the Bible as One Story (Not a Scavenger Hunt) Randy and Rozanne recently released a book called Encountering God's Love: From Genesis to Revelation. And their heart behind it is simple: Most believers don't struggle because they don't love God. They struggle because they don't understand the storyline. They know verses… but not the narrative. So this book is designed as 52 weeks of bite-sized pieces, walking you through Scripture chronologically, helping you see: God's story your story and how your marriage fits into redemption And yes—this is something you can do as a couple. Even if you're exhausted. Even if you're busy. Even if you feel behind. Final Encouragement Your marriage isn't just a relationship you manage. It's a covenant you steward. And if you've been living like the lower story is all there is—God is inviting you to look up. He's writing something. Even here. Even now. Even in your marriage. So take a breath. Ask Him what He's doing in the upper story. And take the next step. Because your story isn't over. And God is very, very good at bringing dead things back to life. Including you. Including your spouse. Including your intimacy. Including your marriage. Blessings, The Delight Your Marriage Team PS - Want to check out Encountering God's Love for yourself? Click here to visit Randy's website and learn more. PPS - Are you ready to take the next step in transforming your marriage? We would love to chat with you. Book a free Clarity Call to speak with one of our Clarity Advisors and see if we are the right fit for you. PPPS - Here is a quote from a recent graduate: "The atmosphere in our home was very toxic with lots of hollering and hurtful things said. There was no fun or joy. We were just existing. This affected my thought life as I was very disappointed in myself and felt like I was a hypocrite as I am a leader in our local church and lots of people look up to me. I felt like God was even disappointed in me. I felt shame for not being a good wife...[Now,] I have become more aware of my actions and reactions to my husband, and realized I have the power, with God's help, to make our marriage good and to love my husband well. The tools I have learned in DW will forever be in and on my mind as I focus on becoming the wife God desires me to be. I have learned that sex is good and holy and also meant to be pleasurable for me! The atmosphere in our home is changing and playfulness is back!"

Husbands, Draw Her Back: Order of Operations Gentlemen, you have likely heard that you are meant to be the leader of your home. You've likely heard it from the pulpit, maybe from your own family. So what happens when your wife feels distant? Maybe the invitation isn't to push her to follow — but to lead in such a way that her heart feels safe coming back to you, drawing her back with tenderness, compassion, and safety. In this episode, we are diving into why women often feel the need to control and how you as a husband can help shift the culture of your home, draw her back, and have the marriage you've always wanted–with a wife that trusts you, supports you, and is cheering you on. A Tale of Two Marriages If you have been around Delight Your Marriage a while, you might know part of the back story–married very young, determined to be a submissive wife, did everything a good Christian woman is supposed to do. And yet there was discord. There was quarreling. There was strife. There was even competition. There was a feeling of never being good enough, let alone cherished. There ended up being a filing for divorce (something to plead the blood of Jesus over) and walking away from God for a period of time. The hurt was severe. Everything had been done right, how did it go so wrong? Then came meeting Darrow. Even in dating, it was so different than anything before. After years of feeling uneasy, uncared for, and on edge– there was finally safety. Yes, physical safety, but also emotional safety. Safe to share and not be ridiculed. Safe to express emotion and it be received with steadiness, patience, and kindness. Safe to be fully open and not be mocked or shamed. That tenderness and kindness brought safety. And that safety led to trust. How to Lead a Leader As marriage went on, certain things arose. He wasn't taking as much initiative as before. He wouldn't get things done that needed to get done. He wasn't leading. But this time it was different. There was a realization: He actually didn't have permission to lead. It had not fully been given to him. There was still control, and that made him feel angry and apathetic, like "Why even try?" So, the response changed. No more steering the ship. No more hands on the reins. He is the leader. And now, there is so much more happiness and rest. But it was only because he had shown his character–that he is a trustworthy person, that he is safe–that there was even confidence to be able to allow him to lead. That confidence was not there in the first marriage. There was no safety. There was fear and unrest, and so control was the answer. Think of an animal that feels scared–is the best way to get them to follow you to continue being tough and assertive? Or is it to show that you are gentle and they will be safe with you? So, What Needs To Happen First To Draw Your Wife Back? So then, what draws your wife back? It looks something like this: Establish Safety She must be emotionally, spiritually, and physically safe. She is safe to open up. She is safe to express. She knows she is going to be accepted fully as she is. What if you can't accept her fully as she is? What if you are waiting for her to change and then, you can fully love her? If that is where you're at, consider what Christ did for you. "You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." - Romans 5:6-8 (NIV) Christ did not wait for us to be perfect in order to love us. And if you, men, are called to love your wives as Christ loved the church, it means loving her always, no matter the circumstance. Love her regardless and establish that safety. Grow in your relationship with Christ. Truly exemplify the fruit of the Spirit (remember patience :)). Slowly Reestablish Jesus-Like Leadership In all things, lead from love. If you have great leadership, but have not love, it is "but a clanging cymbal" (1 Cor. 13:1) For more insight on drawing your wife back, take a listen to today's podcast. A Final Encouragement Dear men, we want you to take up the mantle of leadership. In your workplaces, in your churches, in your families. But your wife needs safety first. She needs to know that she can trust you. Just like that gentle animal we spoke about before–will yelling and pressuring build safety and trust? No. Ask the Lord to show you in what you have built trust in the past. Then, ask Him to show you how you have broken trust. Finally, ask Him how you can rebuild trust again and create a culture of safety. It is worth it, dear gentleman. The time and effort are worth it. If we can help in a more specific way, speaking more directly to your personal marriage, we would love to do so through our Coaching programs. We are rooting for you, gentleman! With love, The Delight Your Marriage Team PS - If you're ready to get more personalized coaching that will bring life and safety back into your marriage, we would love to chat with you. Schedule a free Clarity Call with one of our Clarity Advisors (who have been in your shoes) and discover what next steps look like for you. PPS - Here's a quote from a recent graduate: "Through the DYM program my marriage went from a hopeless pit of despair to a God-honoring home of safety and love."

516-A Pastor with a "Prostitute" Mindset Changed His Ways: Jerry's Story There's a quiet frustration many good men carry. You've tried to talk. You've tried to suggest counseling, books, podcasts—something. You've even tried explaining your heart. And still… she doesn't seem to listen. Doesn't engage. Doesn't change. If that's you, let me say this gently but clearly: God may be asking you to go first. And yes—that can feel unfair. But it is also where real transformation begins. When You Find Yourself Becoming Someone You Didn't Want to Be One husband recently shared that after nearly three decades of marriage and years of faithful ministry, he found himself in a place he never expected. Not because his marriage had been bad. But because it was changing—and he wasn't prepared. His wife's body was changing. Their season of life was shifting. Transitions piled up. And slowly, something in him hardened. He was becoming "grouchy" and "crusty". He said it plainly: "I just didn't like how I was becoming… and I didn't like how I was treating my wife." That awareness matters. Because most men don't wake up one day intending to pressure, resent, or withdraw. It happens subtly—when expectations go unmet and entitlement slowly but surely begins to creep in. A Marriage That Became Transactional Instead of Sacrifical Many men come to this work believing, "If my wife would just listen… if she would just change… then we'd be okay." But here's the truth that was exposed in this man's life: he was living transactionally. "I didn't realize I was living in a transactional relationship until those transactions weren't happening." In other words: I give love → I expect intimacy. I serve → I expect responsiveness. This man had never thought of himself as transactional—until intimacy slowed and frustration surged. That's when God began to do the deeper work. Take the Focus Off Intimacy to Heal Intimacy One of the most countercultural invitations men hear in this process is simple—and deeply uncomfortable: Take your foot off the gas. Not forever. But for now. Because a woman cannot open her body when her heart doesn't feel safe. She needs to feel safe, known, and wholeheartedly cherished—especially in seasons of vulnerability like menopause, grief, exhaustion, or long-term transition. This husband learned that before asking anything of his wife, God was asking him to rebuild safety. And that required humility. The "Prostitute" Mindset Going through the Masculinity Reclaimed process, this man shared something that he learned that changed everything for him: "[Belah said] you guys are treating your wives like prostitutes. And the fact that you are not making them feel safe. You are not making them feel fully known...and you are not wholeheartedly cherishing your wives. Yet, you know, you flip the switch at...10 o'clock, 11 o'clock at night, and you want intimacy, and you're getting grouchy or whatever when that doesn't happen." He had never seen it this way before, and it changed everything for him. It was painful to hear. And necessary. Because intimacy without safety and care doesn't feel like love to a woman—it feels like obligation. Doing the Work Made a Change in Their Marriage This man didn't tell his wife he was doing the work at first. But she noticed anyway. She noticed the listening. The gentleness. The apologies for things that happened years ago. And eventually, she asked. Change preached is often resisted. Change embodied is felt. Yes, intimacy improved. But that's not what this husband points to as the greatest win. He says the real transformation was internal: Healthier expectations A reordered life A clearer understanding of his responsibility as a man Final Encouragement If you're waiting for your wife to change before you soften… If you're tempted to push, convince, or withdraw… If you're tired of feeling unseen… Hear this: God honors the man who goes first. Not the man who wins the argument. You are not alone. And this is not the end of your story. It may be the beginning of the truest work God has ever done in you. You can do this, sir. God bless you! With love, The Delight Your Marriage Team PS – Ready to take the next step in renewing your heart and your marriage? We would love to chat with you. Schedule a free Clarity Call with one of our Clarity Advisors, who have all been through the program and have been where you have been. It's time to take the leap. PPS – Wondering just exactly how healthy your own marriage is? Are you also surviving instead of thriving? Take our free Marital Health Assessment and see what your marital score is–and how we can help. PPPS – Here is a quote from (another) recent graduate: "We argued a lot. Said hurtful things to each other. Raised voices in front of the kids. Less emotional connection generally. Sex felt merely physical and not emotionally connected...not fulfilling. Usually felt like duty. And I have always been initiating and my wife has often complained about that...[Now], I've become more contented and patient and focused on her needs and a better listener I think. She says our home has less tension since I've been doing the program. I take that as a win! She has initiated twice in the past 2 weeks! Very rare before this!" (Guest name has been changed for safety and anonymity)

514-40 Years of Broken Trust to Safety & Celebration: A Christmas Miracle (Laura's Story) There is a kind of marriage pain that does not look dramatic.It's not an outward struggle.Just a quiet ache.A marriage that functions but does not feel alive. Laura lived in that space for decades. From the outside, her life looked good. Forty years of marriage. Seven children. A faithful husband. A stable home. A shared faith. Everything a good Christian marriage is supposed to be. And yet, beneath the surface, something was missing. Emotional Safety.Real connection.Being fully seen. For a long time, she told herself she had nothing to complain about. Her husband was faithful. He wasn't an alcoholic. He never abused her. He provided well for his family. But inside, Laura carried a question she barely allowed herself to ask: "Is this really all there is?" The Hidden Cycle That Brought Broken Trust Even with her husband's steadiness and Laura's determination to be grateful, there was a painful habit that entered their marriage early on that would consistently rear its ugly head. Her husband was addicted to porn. This was their cycle for many years:-Her husband would confess porn use.-There would be repentance and renewed effort.-Then, pressure would follow. Laura would put the blame on herself, thinking, "If I did better, this would not happen." She read tons and tons of books, trying to better herself.She kept respect for her husband.She pursued intimacy, knowing it was important to him. And still, the cycle kept returning. So, she did what many wives do–she minimized her pain.She told herself others had it worse. After all, he worked hard. He stayed. He was a good man. Why complain? But the heart does not heal simply because we silence it. And this belief that Laura had that it was on her was not only a lie… but it was heavy and destructive. Decades of "Just Okay" Laura kept carrying the weight of keeping the peace and enduring that vicious cycle of porn use. So, she poured herself lovingly into family life. She homeschooled their children.She kept their home while he went to work, the way they were taught to do. And yet, beneath the surface, she felt emotionally disconnected. Alongside that, she felt there was no safe place to process her pain.No one equipped to walk with her.Even when reaching out to a Christian counselor, it wasn't quite enough. So, she pushed her own pain down...for decades. But pain does not disappear because it is ignored.It simply goes underground.And it shows up as numbness, distance, or quiet resignation. Eventually, Laura realized something had to change. She could not continue living like this. She told her husband he needed help for his porn addiction and that if he did not, they may need to consider divorce. Her husband obliged, and they tried counseling together, which helped some. But it wasn't until he entered the work privately through the Coaching program that something different happened. When Safety Was Introduced Into Her Marriage Though Laura didn't know he was taking a marriage course (He shared he was taking an online class), she started to notice a difference in the way he showed up to their marriage. He did not try to fix her or pressure her.He did not demand that she change. He began bringing home flowers, letting her know she was beautiful just the way she was, planning dates.He became emotionally present.Humble.Gentle.Safe. He changed. For the first time in their marriage, Laura began to feel celebrated for who she already was instead of feeling like he wished she were different. She no longer felt like she had to earn love. She felt cherished, emotionally safe, and truly loved–just the way she was. And it changed everything. From Feeling Skeptical to Feeling Hopeful After having heard a DYM podcast episode several years before these changes, Laura had closed herself off to the thought of DYM. But then, upon hearing an episode that we created for wives, she began to see the full picture more clearly and open herself up to the program. She decided to try it herself, even though she was still a bit skeptical. She realized that what made the difference was not only the content, but the context.She was no longer alone.She had community.She had a specific place to ask her specific questions about her marriage. For the first time, Laura had a safe place to speak honestly and to process pain without being blamed. She learned she could have a voice in her marriage. She could ask for help.She learned intimacy did not have to be driven by pressure.She learned she could say no to certain requests without any fear. Most importantly, she learned she mattered. 40 Years of Marriage–And Hoping For Many More "In short, it's better than it has ever been." Our hearts filled up when she shared this with us. Her husband is more in tune to what she needs and will go out of his way to bring in "delights"–if it's planning something special, bringing her flowers, or going along with Laura's spontaneous plans (even though he is the planner in the relationship!) Also in the past few years, her husband has kicked his porn addiction for good and has remained in community through Delight Your Marriage, which has helped keep him accountable and growing. As for Laura, you can hear the joy and peace in her voice as she shares, "I never expected that it would be this good." Praise God. There is no person too far gone and no situation too desperate for the Lord. He is a God that heals and redeems–hearts, habits, marriages, and so much more–because He cares for us. And it is true for you too. As we enter the last few weeks of the year, including celebrating the birth of our Savior, we invite you to remember what God has done and how much He loves you. Enough to send His son for you, as a defenseless child, to live a perfect life and one day die to pay the debt we could never have paid. And then to send His Holy Spirit–to counsel us and guide us. And even now, He is available to us to redeem and save the lost, heal our hearts, and be near to his children. He loves us.He loves you. We hope you will keep this truth near to you these next few weeks and remember once again that He sent His son to redeem everything. With love, The Delight Your Marriage Team PS - Want to bring the Delight Your Marriage Coaching to your church? Our next round of In-Person Training will be launching early 2026. Check out our website to learn more about the mission & vision of IPT and how you can bring it to your small groups & churches. PPS - Wondering just exactly how healthy your own marriage is? Are you also surviving instead of thriving? Take our free Marital Health Assessment and see what your marital score is–and how we can help. PPPS - Here is a quote from (another) recent Delighted Wife graduate: "I took the Delighted Wife program. Coming into the program, I was so hopeless that my marriage could ever get better. My heart was full of deep hate for my husband - I had years of built-up unforgiveness and pain for all of the ways I felt he had hurt and abandoned me...I was deeply depressed and suicidal from the pain of the marriage. I constantly saw death as the only way to be free of this hole that I had dug for myself...Emotionally, I am a completely different person. My heart is full of love and joy over my marriage and gratitude to the Lord for the way He has grown me. The Lord literally pulled me out of the darkness and also has shown me how much I was negatively contributing to the marriage...This is the first time in the almost 3 years of marriage that I haven't wanted to leave. I see so much beauty in my marriage and my husband."

What Turns Her Off — and What Godly Husbands Do Instead Have you ever wished you could just…get inside your wife's heart for a moment? Not to manipulate, but to genuinely understand her. To love her in a way that makes her feel safe and wanted—not pressured or confused. My husband Darrow and I sat down to talk through something men rarely get honest insight about: Her biggest turn-offs. And not because we want to shame or scold—but because clarity brings freedom. When you finally understand what shuts her down, you also discover what opens her heart. So take a deep breath.You're not in trouble.You're learning—and that already makes you a good man. Let's walk through these turn-offs together, with God's kindness leading us all the way. 1. When Affection Feels Like a Transaction One of the most common complaints I hear from wives is this: "Every time he does something sweet, it feels like he's trying to get sex." A back rub, a coffee, a hand on her waist, a date night—beautiful gestures—become tainted when she senses they come with an expectation. When affection is only a bridge to the bedroom, she feels: Used Not loved for who she is Like her worth is tied to her sexual availability God never intended marital intimacy to be a negotiation.Love her without a scoreboard. Bless her without an agenda. 2. Grabbing, Pinching, or Smacking Her Body When She's Not Comfortable Yes…wives talk about this. And I know many husbands mean it playfully.But if she doesn't feel safe—emotionally, spiritually, or physically—this kind of touch feels like entitlement, not affection. Her body is not something to be "snatched."She needs room to open, not pressure to surrender. When she feels cherished—not grabbed—she wants to share her body freely. 3. Taking "Not Now" Personally If she says she's tired, overwhelmed, stressed, or simply "not right now," it's almost never about you. But when a husband interprets it as: Rejection Lack of desire "She doesn't love me" …it puts enormous emotional weight on her shoulders. Instead, respond with: "No worries, sweetheart. Another time would be wonderful." That confidence and peace will draw her toward you—not away. 4. Moping After She Says No Emotional sulking is not harmless. Moping communicates: "You disappointed me." "Now I have to punish you with sadness." "You're responsible for my emotions." This shuts her heart down.Fast. Your steadiness and joy—even when she's not available—makes her feel safe. And safety is the soil where desire grows. 5. Punishing Her for Not Wanting Sex This is one of the deepest wounds wives carry. Punishments include: Silent treatment Withholding affection Moving to another room Being cold or distant Only being "nice" when you want intimacy These behaviors feel manipulative and honestly frightening. Your wife is not the enemy. She is the assignment God entrusted to you. Lead with love, not consequences. 6. Lack of Playfulness Playfulness is essential to intimacy. If everything feels heavy, serious, structured, pressured…then her nervous system never relaxes enough to enjoy being sensual. Silliness is holy ground for a woman's heart. Laughter lowers her guard.Playfulness creates connection. If you want her to be playful in the bedroom, she needs to experience playfulness outside the bedroom. 7. Not Feeling Emotionally Safe Women cannot separate emotional connection from physical intimacy. I'll say that one more time. Women cannot separate emotional connection from physical intimacy. When she feels emotionally unsafe, her body shuts down. Emotional Safety looks like: Listening Compassion Being slow to speak and quick to understand Responding gently Supporting her heart, not "fixing" immediately When she feels heard, she opens. 8. Being a "Negative Nellie" (or Negative Ned!) Constant complaining is exhausting and not attractive. It pulls the atmosphere of the home downward and makes her feel like she has to carry your emotional weight. There is space to process hard things—but constant negativity drains the joy God wants in your marriage. Rejoice. Notice blessings. Bring hope into the home. 9. Bitterness and Resentment Long-term resentment is a marriage-killer. Bitterness communicates: "I haven't forgiven you." "You owe me." "I'm still keeping score." This is the opposite of Christlike love. Your wife cannot relax into intimacy with a man who holds her mistakes over her head. Forgiveness clears the ground for closeness to grow again. And if you need a little extra inspiration, let us turn you to Matthew 6:15 (NIV): "But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." 10. Being Too Serious All the Time Intensity has a place—but not every moment. When a man is always stern, rigid, perfectionistic, spiritual-but-heavy…it makes her feel like she can never fully exhale. If she can't be herself around you, she won't be vulnerable with you. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit—not an optional extra. 11. Using Slang or Sexual Words She Doesn't Like Words matter. Some husbands use slang affectionately or playfully.Some wives love it.Others absolutely don't. If slang or sexual language makes her uncomfortable, embarrassed, or unsafe, it becomes a turn-off—not a turn-on. Honor her preferences. You're not losing freedom—you're gaining connection. Final Thoughts: So What Do You Do with All This? If reading this stirs conviction…good. Conviction is not condemnation.The enemy heaps shame.God invites repentance—and repentance leads to freedom. Your wife is God's daughter. And He entrusted her to you. Every shift you make toward loving her well brings you closer to His heart and closer to hers. We're rooting for you! Blessing, The Delight Your Marriage Team PS - If you want help walking this out in real life—not just head knowledge—that's exactly why our coaching and in-person training programs exist. Men who were separated from their wives…Men in sexless marriages…Men whose wives felt unsafe for years……have seen transformation they once thought impossible.For more information on our In-Person Training programs, launching January 2026, check out delightyourmarriage.com/ipt If you're ready to dive into the Coaching programs, please feel free to schedule a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc PPS - Here is a quote from a recent In-Person Training pilot program graduate: "My wife and I have been separated for 6 months, and the same day as our [IPT] graduation, she chose to and began moving back into our matrimonial home. I also told her about our [IPT] program that same day. Up until then, I had said I was attending a men's bible study. All praise be to God."