Feel Better

You want to look after yourself better…but you hate routine.So every time you try to “get your life together,” it lasts about five days. Then you’re back to square one, telling yourself you’re the problem.You’re not.In this Ask Charlotte episode, I’m breaking down why the way we talk about consistency is actually setting a lot of people up to fail and what to do instead.We cover:Why you don’t need strict routines to take care of yourselfThe difference between consistency and repetitionHow to use “bursts,” themes, and menus instead of rigid habitsThe real reason you’re struggling to start (and how to fix it)How to stop comparing yourself to the 5am routine crowdThe identity shift that changes everything: “I’m someone who shows up for myself”If you’ve ever thought“I’m just not disciplined enough”this episode will rewire that completely.You don’t need to become a routine person.You need a way of showing up that actually works for you.Subscribe so you don’t miss what’s next.

You’re playing small. And if you’re honest… you already know it.In this episode of The Feel Better Podcast, I sit down with Georgia from George Design to talk about what it really takes to stop holding yourself back and start backing yourself.Georgia is the founder of George Design, working with businesses to clarify their brand, grow their visibility, and make smarter, braver decisions. You can find her at georgedesign.co.nz.This is a conversation for the woman who:​knows she’s capable of more​has ideas she’s not acting on​keeps waiting until she feels “ready”We get into:​why women underestimate themselves by years​how to make bold decisions without certainty​the mental load of trying to do everything “right”​building a business alongside motherhood​handling judgment, criticism, and other people’s opinions​what actually moves the needle when growing somethingAnd the shift that changes everything:👉 stop asking what if it fails?👉 start asking what if it works?Because staying where you are? That’s a decision too.If you’ve been hesitating, overthinking, or quietly playing smaller than you know you could… this episode will call you forward.

You can love your kids deeply… and still feel like you’ve lost yourself.HannaH Findlay is a Mum who has inspired many others with the beauty she has found in pulling herself through some of the toughest parts of becoming a parent. We talk about what happens to your identity in motherhood. The version where your body changes.Your mental health takes a hit.Your interests disappear.And one day you realise… you don’t actually know what you like anymore.We talk about:why so many women feel lost after having kidsthe mental load and “holding your breath all day” feelinghow anxiety and overwhelm shrink your capacity to even know what you enjoythe pressure to live entirely for your children (and why that doesn’t work)what it actually takes to start finding yourself againThis isn’t about reinventing your life overnight.It’s about starting small.Planting something (literally, for her!) Trying something.Letting it be messy and unfinished.Because no one is coming to save you.But you can build your way back to yourself.If you’ve ever thought,“I don’t know who I am anymore”this episode will meet you there.And gently show you a way forward.HannaH and her husband Brent have a fantastic business called Mortgage Mates - mortgage advisors who feel like friends. If you need some great people on your side, check them out at mortgagemates.co.nz

Many of us believe that being tough on ourselves is the way to change.We think that if we criticise ourselves enough, push harder, or feel bad enough about our behaviour, we’ll finally become the person we want to be.But in my experience as a counsellor, the opposite is true.In this episode of the Feel Better Podcast, I’m talking about self-criticism and why it actually makes lasting change harder, not easier. I explain what happens in your brain when you shame or blame yourself and why that activates your threat response rather than the parts of your brain responsible for reflection, emotional regulation and problem solving.Over the years I’ve worked with many people who try to beat themselves into change. They set goals, fall off track, and then pile on the self-criticism. But this pattern rarely leads to the kind of sustainable change people are hoping for.Instead, I talk about a different approach. One that is grounded in self-acceptance, values and kinder self-talk, which research shows is far more effective for long-term behaviour change.In this episode I’ll share:• Why self-criticism activates your brain’s threat system• Why shame and blame undermine lasting change• The neuroscience behind self-compassion and motivation• Three practical tools to interrupt self-critical thinking• How to move toward change through your values• How to tell yourself the kind but accurate storyIf you’re stuck in the cycle of setting goals, falling off track and beating yourself up, this episode will help you understand why that happens and what to do differently.Because real change doesn’t come from attacking yourself.It comes from learning to work with yourself instead.If you’d like support making meaningful changes in your life, you can find out more about Change Therapy, my new coaching-based approach to working with clients, at:www.charlottecummings.nzYou can also connect with me on Instagram:@charlottethecounsellor

If you struggle with overthinking, this episode is for you.Maybe your brain replays conversations on a loop.Maybe you catastrophise about the future.Maybe decision-making feels exhausting because you’ve already run 47 scenarios in your head.Overthinking is incredibly common. Research suggests up to 80% of our thoughts are negative and 95% are repetitive. That means most of us are swimming in the same mental loops on repeat.In this episode, I break down:• What overthinking actually is (and how it’s different from healthy reflection)• The two main types: rumination and worry• Why overthinking feels productive but actually reduces control• The cognitive distortions driving it, including catastrophising, mind-reading, black and white thinking, and perfectionism• Why overthinking is often about avoiding an “unbearable” feeling• The nervous system patterns behind itAnd most importantly, I give you practical strategies you can use immediately:• The powerful question: “What now?”• How to give your brain a container• Why getting back into your body is essential• How to use cognitive defusion from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy• Making good enough decisions instead of perfect ones• Treating life like an experiment• Building tolerance for uncertainty• Replacing self-criticism with compassionate self-talkIf you’re tired of living in your head, if your thoughts feel loud and relentless, or if overthinking is impacting your sleep, relationships, or confidence, this episode will give you tools to interrupt the cycle.You are bigger than your thoughts.They don’t get to run the show.For more resources, visit charlottecummings.nzCome and connect with me on Instagram @charlottethecounsellorIf this episode helped you, please follow the podcast and share it with someone who needs it.

Hard conversations don’t ruin relationships.Avoiding them does.If you keep putting things off because you don’t want to rock the boat, this episode is for you.In How to Have Hard Conversations Faster (Without Damaging Your Relationship), I unpack why even capable, high-functioning people struggle to raise difficult topics at home and how to do it in a way that actually builds connection.Inside the episode:• Why your brain treats hard conversations like a threat• How avoidance quietly turns into resentment• What to stop doing when you finally speak up• How to raise one issue at a time without blowing things up• The skills that make hard conversations safer, faster, and more productiveBeing able to have difficult conversations is not a sign your relationship is failing.It’s a sign it’s healthy.🎧 Listen to Feel Better Ep 114 now.And if this is something you want to work on together, share the episode with your partner and listen at the same time.

High-performing people don’t need more motivation. They need safety.In this episode, I’m joined by coach Cara Calvin to talk identity shifts, nervous system patterns, and why so many capable people freeze in the gap between where they are and where they want to be.We cover:Why rest can feel unsafe (and what to do about it)Micro-actions that build momentum when you feel stuckLack mindset and the “I want to… but I can’t” trapLeadership, burnout, and the cost of living in hustle modeSystems that reduce chaos (shared calendars, weekly planning, morning routines)How personal growth can pressure relationships, and how to bring your partner with youIf you’re a high-functioning person who looks fine on the outside but feels wired, tired, or numb on the inside, this episode will land.Subscribe for more conversations on relationships, mental health, and living well.

So many couples tell me there’s nothing wrong in their relationship… but it feels flat, distant, or like they’re just co-managing life. The love is there — but the deep conversations aren’t. And, many people have just never been taught how to share on that deeper level - so it feels uncomfortable, awkward and even impossible. In this episode of the Feel Better Podcast, I’m talking about how to share more deeply with your partner so you can move beyond “yeah, my day was fine/busy” and back into real intimacy and connection.We’ll talk about:- Why good relationships still drift into shallow, surface-level check-ins- How to set up your time and body language so deeper sharing actually feels possible- My “make like a therapist” approach to asking better questions (without feeling like a weirdo)- Exactly what to ask instead of “How was your day?”- How to have a regular “let me in” chat about the bigger picture of life, goals and stress- Why timing matters (spoiler: 5.40pm over the chopping board is not it)- The difference between listening to fix and listening to understand- A simple gratitude practice that helps you feel more like a teamIf you’ve been feeling like housemates, co-parents, or logistics managers, this episode will give you really practical ways to rebuild emotional closeness — in small, doable moments.And, if you want to take a further step to build better connection in your relationship, I'm ready for ya! Come and join me for Give Me 10 Minutes — a weekly 10-minute audio + discussion guide designed to help you reset communication, understand each other’s triggers, and feel more like you’re on the same team again.✨ Listen in if:You miss the deeper chats you used to have, you’re tired of superficial “we’re fine” conversations, or you want your relationship to feel closer, warmer and more understood again.

In this episode of the Feel Better Podcast, I’m talking about one of the trickiest parts of modern life: how to decide what to let go of when your plate is just too full. If you’re overwhelmed, overcommitted, or stuck in that endless “should I give this up?” loop, this episode will really help.I’m sharing the exact questions and frameworks I use with my clients – and the ones I’ve had to painfully learn myself. (Let’s be honest: this is one of the live issues in my own life too.)In this episode, I walk you through:How to figure out whether you actually need to give something upHow to decide what to even put on the table when everything feels importantA gentle, practical discernment process if there’s a specific role, commitment or project you’re thinking about letting go ofI also talk about:Whether the people you love are paying the price for your scheduleWhat your health, wellbeing and relationships are revealing about your loadHow our unbearable feelings (fear of failure, disappointing others, being seen as less capable) keep us stuckSeasons of life, evolving identity, and aligning your commitments with your longer-term goalsWhat you might gain emotionally—peace, capacity, time—by stepping away from somethingYou’ll come away with a whole list of reflection questions to help you make clearer, kinder decisions about your time and energy.✨ Resource: I’ve created detailed show notes and journalling questions for this episode, which you can download at charlottecummings.nz.

If you struggle to slow down, switch off, or stop feeling guilty when you rest — this episode is for you. So many of us are caught up in productivity culture, running on empty and living in a constant state of burnout and overwhelm. I want to help you change that.In this conversation, I’m breaking down why true rest can feel so hard — from the way our nervous system reacts to stillness, to the hidden “unbearable feelings” that keep us stuck in go-mode — and how we can start to heal our relationship with rest.I’ll walk you through:Why rest is a vital part of mental health, self-care, and work-life balance — not a luxury.How to reframe your self-talk (“I’m learning to rest” instead of “I’m bad at resting”) so change actually sticks.Practical rest strategies you can use right now — including micro-rests, building restful spaces, setting rest goals, and scheduling downtime into busy days.How modelling rest for your kids teaches them healthier coping skills — and how rest can boost creativity, problem-solving, and emotional resilience.I also share some honest personal stories (including the one my husband and many podcast listeners still tease me about!) to show you that rest doesn’t have to look perfect — it just has to work for you.If you’re tired of rushing, overworking, or always needing to “earn” your downtime, this episode will help you embrace rest as a daily practice — and build a calmer, more sustainable life that truly supports your wellbeing.🎧 Press play, take a deep breath, and let’s start rewriting your story with rest — one pause at a time.

We’re told to “just forgive” — by our families, by religion, by self-help books — but almost nobody tells us how. In this episode, I share a different way to think about forgiveness: not as a moment of sainthood or a spiritual badge of honour, but as a deeply human, mental and emotional process.We’ll talk about why forgiveness is always optional, how to name and understand the barriers that keep you stuck, and how to plan practical steps that move you towards freedom — if that’s what you choose.You’ll also hear how you can move forward while recognising that forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, excusing, reconciling, or pretending it didn’t happen — and how approaching it as a process for your own healing can help you reclaim power, choice, and lightness in your life.

Comparison is something we all do — often without even realising it. Whether it’s about looks, parenting, achievements, or lifestyle, we constantly measure ourselves against others. But comparison doesn’t just steal our joy; it can fuel shame, perfectionism, and even take us off track from living in alignment with our own values.In this episode, I unpack:Why comparison is such a natural human instinct (hello, social comparison theory and evolutionary survival).The link between comparison and our unbearable feelings — those emotions we most want to avoid.How meaning-making turns innocent observations into painful self-criticism.Practical ways to rewire your brain so comparison becomes a tool for growth, kindness, and clarity.Real-life stories of learning from others rather than spiralling into “not enough.”The hidden costs of comparison — to your identity, relationships, mental health, and spiritual life.Why imperfection and authenticity are actually your biggest strengths.If you’ve ever resonated with the phrase “comparison is the thief of joy” but wondered how to actually stop do it differently, this conversation is for you.🎧 Listen in, and discover how to turn comparison around for good — into an opportunity to learn, clarify your values, and treat yourself with gentleness.💬 Want to go deeper? After this episode, check out:Overcoming Perfectionism (one of the most downloaded episodes)The Self-Esteem EpisodeUnbearable FeelingsLet’s make comparison kinder — and find more joy in being who you really are.Follow me on Instagram ⁠@charlottethecounsellor⁠ or visit ⁠charlottecummings.nz⁠ for free resources.