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The Scariest Thing I Have Ever Done
Jun 24, 2026
3m 54s
Relax, Hell isn't Real!
Jun 17, 2026
7m 08s
'Stranger Danger' is Bullshit
Jun 10, 2026
8m 29s
Why "Faith Over Fear" T-Shirts Creep Me Out
Jun 3, 2026
5m 57s
Everything I Feared About China Was Wrong
May 27, 2026
4m 54s
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| 6/24/26 | ![]() The Scariest Thing I Have Ever Done | My Secret FearFor someone with an anxiety disorder, I have managed to do a lot of scary stuff. Things like: moving away from my family, getting married when I was a dumb 22-year-old, moving to another country without a job or a place to live—twice! having kids, and telling a deeply personal story onstage at The Moth. But the actual Scariest Thing I’ve Ever Done was none of those things. It was self-publishing my novel last year. Maybe that sounds like not a big deal, but honestly, during the entire 6-month process I was WRECKED, mainly because I have a giant fear of other people thinking I am stupid. Yes, I was the 6th grader who toted around a leather-bound volume of The Complete Works of William Shakespeare like it was a magical talisman that could protect me from porny 90s culture which treated all femme girls like complete bimbos. Yes, despite all evidence to the contrary, there’s still a part of me that fears being reduced to my reproductive organs. This fear stockpiles my shortcomings and whispers them back to me in the middle of the night. Waiting for my novel to publish, it fed me nightmares of all my Super Smart Literary Friends reading my book and thinking, “I can’t believe she thought this was good enough to publish, she must be delusional.” The fear was strong, so much so that I SERIOUSLY CONSIDERED not publishing my book at all. Like, I announced it and then thought maybe I ought to just take it back?! Lessons from a Border CollieWhen I was growing up in rural Montana, we had a border collie named Mickey who, in accordance with his breeding, liked to herd other animals. Sometimes this was cute, like on hikes when he would nudge laggards onward. (Nothing like a border collie snout to the backside to make you pick up the pace.) But it was a problem when Mickey started chasing our neighbors’ horses.My dad installed one of those invisible fences around our property and put a shock collar on Mickey. When Mickey got too close to the perimeter, he’d hear a buzz, and if he kept going and crossed the fence line, he’d get a small electric shock.The trouble was, Mickey soon decided that a small, short shock was worth the price of freedom. He’d take the charge and keep right on running. Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Fear is a FenceMickey’s shock collar came to me as I was reflecting back on fear and the scary decisions I’ve made. These past two months, we’ve been looking at the Problem of Fear—what is it? How do we learn to live with it? So far we’ve covered:-Being a Scaredy Cat-Fear of Being a Laughingstock-Sorting Out Rational vs. Irrational Fear-Fear of Travel-“Faith Over Fear” (and why I hate it)-Fear of Strangers-Fear of HellI think fear is like that invisible fence, it keeps us close to home, stops us from exploring. Like with Mickey and the horses, that can be a good thing. But many times, our fears are a fence that is far too small, a rigid boundary that keeps us from growing.Don’t Forget: You Have Survived WorseFear wants us to play it small, to never try. But we, like Mickey, can learn to take the shock and keep going. This is the biggest gift I’ve gotten from having an anxiety disorder: I now know that (most of) my fears are irrational and that I will survive doing the Big Scary Thing. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. So when I get scared, I try to imagine what my life would be like if I had listened to fear and “stayed inside the fence” so to speak. Would I have ever left my hometown? Met my husband? Had my kids? Had any sort of career in writing or activism?Once you decide to take the charge and keep running, you know you can do it again. And so, if fear is holding you back from something you want to do, something that would be meaningful to your life, that’s my advice to you. Embrace some corny Millennial #YOLO energy or your nearest Nike slogan and go for it. Remember that you have survived worse! Let each new feat pave the way towards a bold life.BONUS MATERIALS:-MY BOOK, in case you’re curious-want to learn more about how bad the 90s were for women?Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe | 3m 54s | ||||||
| 6/17/26 | ![]() Relax, Hell isn't Real! | Welcome new subscribers! This week, we’re continuing our series on FEAR. There’s a bit on parenting here, but if you’re looking for a more parenting-specific article, I can recommend The Extreme Weirdness of Trying to Buy a Bible for My Kids. You can also search “parenting” in the archive.Obsessing Over the AfterlifeGrowing up Evangelical, there were a lot of things to be afraid of, including but not limited to:* being “left behind” at the rapture* demons * tarnishing one’s purity Simultaneously, we were shamed for being afraid and told that our fear was due to a lack of faith.By far though, my biggest fear was Hell. Would I forget to confess a sin and be cast into eternal damnation? Could I “backslide” and lose my salvation? I worried about friends and loved ones and even strangers on the street. It seemed to me that no one else was taking Hell seriously enough—it was ETERNAL, after all. I wondered how my fellow churchgoers could believe in this vision of Hell and not spend every waking moment obnoxiously evangelizing every single person they met?God was love, I was often told, but God was also perfect and He demanded perfection. Trying to be perfect was the only way of ensuring I wouldn’t be condemned. God was the Big Angry Man in the Sky who was just waiting to drop the hammer on all of us. Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.A Change of HeartIt took a lot of life experience, theological study, and therapy for me to admit the truth: Hell makes no sense. Penal Substitutionary Atonement (the predominant way of looking at Jesus’ crucifixion in most American churches) makes no sense, either. Once I became a parent, I could not imagine God (who is supposed to be the perfect parent) subjecting any of his children to eternal punishment or coercing them into loving him by threatening to torture them forever.I can imagine hackles rising even as I write this. If you are a believer in Hell and PSA, you probably want to stop reading right here. But I want to challenge you to consider the alternative—can you imagine how your faith and your life would be different if you let go of these beliefs? If, at the end of my article, you’re unconvinced, that’s fine. Just give me five minutes, if you please.Do All Dogs Go to Heaven?I’m not alone in doubting Hell’s existence. Christian Universalism (the idea that all people will eventually be saved) dates back at least 300 years, if not longer. (For reference, the modern belief of a Pre-Tribulation Rapture is only about 200 years old.) Author and Methodist minister, Derek Ryan Kubilus, explores the arguments for and against Hell in his book, Holy Hell: A Case Against Eternal Damnation. Kubilus examines the Bible verses commonly cited as evidence for Hell, pointing out that many English translations put a thumb on the scale. For example, certain words are sometimes translated as “Hell” and sometimes simply as “pit” or “grave.” He also points out that our modern understanding of Hell comes more from Dante’s Inferno rather than the Bible. The Ancient Jews and Greeks who were writing and reading the Bible had very different schemas of the afterlife. In Kubilus’ telling, even the Bible’s allusions to fire and brimstone aren’t about torture, they’re part of a series of metallurgical metaphors, speaking to the process of refining ore into gold rather than punishing baddies. Wait, What About Hitler?Kubilus, like some Universalists, believes in Purgatory—that is, that based on our sins, we will all be subject to some process of “refinement.” For someone like Hitler, it might take 5 million years, but eventually even he could be saved.I was surprised to find a Protestant version of Purgatory. Is it necessary? Couldn’t God just choose to forgive, like we humans do? But I admit, it does deal with the problem of justice: we don’t want people like Hitler to go to straight to Heaven, do we? It just doesn’t feel right.When You Punch Your Friend in the Face for No ReasonThis question of justice became real for me recently, when my 11-year-old, T, got in trouble at school for punching his friend in the face for no reason. (Ironic, given that this is the first ethical example used in Michael Schur’s How to Be Perfect, which we read last year.) T was experiencing test anxiety and he took it out on his friend. T felt horrible afterwards, and his friend forgave him, but it still felt like something was missing from the process, like the scales needed to be rebalanced—we needed… justice???Given that T couldn’t un-punch his friend, was there a way of making things right? After talking with T, his friend, and his friend’s mom, we decided that making amends would look like a three-day screentime ban, an apology letter, and a Roblox gift card, purchased by T with his allowance. I also stressed to him that the biggest part of making amends was not repeating this behavior. This justice isn’t perfect, but I hope it does three things:* emphasize that this behavior was not okay and is out of bounds for our family & community* give T meaningful consequences that will help him not make this choice in the future* attempt to repair the relationship and reestablish trust between friendsBut these attempts at justice are for an ongoing relationship during, well…life. What would afterlife justice look like? I have no idea!Nobody Knows AnythingLet’s be real, neither me, nor Derek Kubilus, nor the most obnoxious street preacher you’ve ever met actually knows what happens after we die. We won’t until it happens. It’s incumbent on us to be humble about our beliefs, no matter how strongly held they are—we could always be wrong!Maybe the afterlife is closer to The Good Place. Maybe we’re reincarnated. Maybe we just stop existing or maybe we rejoin the universal life force. I didn’t believe in any sort of afterlife when my brother, Karl, two years ago. Then I had a weird experience with a bald eagle that made me less certain. What Can We Know?What I do know is that there are people living in Hell right now. Addiction is Hell. War is Hell. Divorce is Hell. Serious disease is Hell. I wish the church would triage the suffering people are currently experiencing rather than some far-off Hell that probably won’t happen. What I know is that all “right” beliefs must lead to increasing love of others and ourselves. When I believed in Hell and that I needed to “save” people from it, I saw them as numbers, not full humans with rich inner lives, not equals who could teach me as much as I could teach them. Not people I ought to get to know and form relationships with. And yes, #NotAllEvangelists, but I gotta say, most evangelism efforts I’ve been part of have felt more transactional rather than relational.Christianity Without HellWhen I was an Evangelical, avoiding Hell was the whole point. I was a Christian because of my fear. You may think that without the threat of Hell, most people will stop being Christian. You may be right. But is believing in Jesus solely for purposes of Hell avoidance really the kind of spirituality we want to encourage?For me, letting go of the fear of Hell has opened a whole new world. I can choose to run towards rather than away from something. I am learning more about my interconnectedness with others, with the natural world, and with God. I am more open to learning from people whose beliefs differ from my own. And that’s a journey I can recommend to anyone. Do you believe in Hell? An afterlife? Why/why not? Have you ever had any FREAKY WOO-WOO EXPERIENCES after a loved one’s passing?As always, I love to hear your thoughts. questions, rants, and ramblings in the comments, via DM, or email.BONUS MATERIALS:* ughhhh this article about YET ANOTHER scammy Seattle megachurch* Happy Pride Y’all (slightly NSFW)* Where my Love Island fans at?Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe | 7m 08s | ||||||
| 6/10/26 | ![]() 'Stranger Danger' is Bullshit✨ | parentingindependence+4 | Kim Brooks | Harvard | — | parentingindependence+6 | — | 8m 29s | |
| 6/3/26 | ![]() Why "Faith Over Fear" T-Shirts Creep Me Out✨ | faith over fearCOVID-19+4 | — | Christian Nationalism | Seattle | faith over fearCOVID-19+5 | — | 5m 57s | |
| 5/27/26 | ![]() Everything I Feared About China Was Wrong✨ | travelChina+4 | — | Heretic HereafterTravel as a Political Act | ChinaChongqing+1 | Chinatravel+5 | — | 4m 54s | |
| 5/20/26 | ![]() How to Make Friends with Fear✨ | fearemotions+3 | — | — | — | fearself-acceptance+3 | — | 6m 07s | |
| 5/13/26 | ![]() What Will People Think?✨ | fear of judgmentpersonal growth+4 | — | Heretic HereafterMaintenance Artist | SeattleSeattle International | ethical meatinterview+4 | — | 4m 20s | |
| 5/6/26 | ![]() Confessions of a Scaredy-Cat✨ | healingmindfulness+3 | — | — | — | healingmindfulness+3 | — | 3m 37s | |
| 4/29/26 | ![]() The Sacred Power of an Off-Key Beatles Song✨ | sacred musicwedding music+4 | — | Episcopal churchAnd I Love Her+4 | — | sacred placesdesecrated places+4 | — | 3m 55s | |
| 4/22/26 | ![]() Why Rules-Based Morality Falls Short✨ | moralityantiracism+3 | — | — | — | moralityantiracism+5 | — | 4m 51s | |
Want analysis for the episodes below?Free for Pro Submit a request, we'll have your selected episodes analyzed within an hour. Free, at no cost to you, for Pro users. | |||||||||
| 4/8/26 | ![]() Progressives Need Better Stories✨ | secular saintscultural heroes+5 | — | — | — | secular saintscultural heroes+5 | — | 4m 11s | |
| 4/1/26 | ![]() Easter for Doubters & Skeptics✨ | Easterdoubt+5 | — | Heretic HereafterBible+1 | Holy WeekEastern Orthodox | Easterdoubt+5 | — | 5m 41s | |
| 3/25/26 | ![]() A Code of Ethics for the Chronically Online✨ | social media ethicspersonal reflection+4 | — | Twitter/XInstagram+1 | MyanmarPhilippines+1 | social mediaethics+5 | — | 7m 16s | |
| 3/18/26 | ![]() "If I'd Just Done Good Things, I Would've Never Blown Up on the Internet"✨ | social media influencemanosphere+4 | — | — | — | Harrison SullivanLouis Theroux+5 | — | 5m 23s | |
| 3/11/26 | ![]() Everything is TV Now✨ | screen addictionparenting+3 | — | — | — | screen timephone addiction+3 | — | 4m 41s | |
| 2/25/26 | ![]() Okay, but Can We Shame Billionaires?✨ | wealth inequalitybillionaires+4 | — | — | — | billionaireswealth+6 | — | 7m 00s | |
| 2/18/26 | ![]() Accountability isn't the Opposite of Compassion✨ | shameaccountability+3 | — | — | — | shameaccountability+5 | — | 5m 15s | |
| 2/11/26 | ![]() When Systems Protect Abusers, Shame Steps In✨ | shameaccountability+3 | — | ICE | Minneapolis | shameaccountability+3 | — | 5m 17s | |
| 2/4/26 | ![]() Brené Brown is Wrong About Shame✨ | shameguilt+4 | — | — | — | shameguilt+5 | — | 4m 24s | |
| 1/28/26 | ![]() Don't Give Up | On Monday, when I sat down to plan out my week, it all felt a little pointless. What good is my measly writing in the face of government goons murdering citizens in the streets? Is anyone going to show up to my meeting about racially segregated schools while ICE is abducting people? It feels like there’s no point in meal planning or going to the gym in the face of state-sponsored terror.After the horrifying murder of Alex Pretti, anything I could do feels impossibly small. Nonviolence and community care seem inadequate to the task of preserving democracy for our children. Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Trump, like a all wannabe authoritarians, manufactures emergencies. Fear is his preferred method of manipulation—he creates a problem (a so-called “migrant crisis”) then manufactures a solution (violent, often illegal deportations) all while distracting and dividing the American public from the things most of us actually care about (affordability, the Epstein Files.) Like a skilled magician, he controls us by keeping us focused on whatever latest threat he’s dangling before us.That’s not to say the threats aren’t real. We’ve seen the videos. We know that innocent people have lost their lives. But how do we respond in the face of such constructed emergencies? It feels like I’m walking a tightrope—on one side, there’s hopelessness and terror, on the other denial. Surely, things can’t be that bad, right? Probably people are overreacting and our government is still trustworthy??Part of the problem with Trump is that he is basically a chocolate bunny—all surface, hollow on the inside. He is not animated by personal integrity, morality, or any coherent system of values (other than his own greed.) He seems incapable of self-reflection or even testing his ideas beyond their ability to draw cheers at rallies. To avoid being sucked into his madness, we need to go within ourselves and connect with our own sense of integrity/values/purpose. And that’s because fighting back is tough. It’s inconvenient to boycott, to show up at rallies, to try and organize a motley crew of neighbors into a safety watch. But knowing our cause is just gives meaning to any suffering we may undertake. What is our cause, or purpose, here? We may define it differently, but I want to offer up two images that have been helpful to me.The first comes, incidentally, from The White Lotus. When wealthy patriarch, Timothy Ratliff, asks a Buddhist monk what happens when we die, the monk replies:“When you’re born, you’re like a single drop of water, flying upward, separated from the one, giant consciousness. You get older, you descend back down. You die, you land back into the water, become one with the ocean again. No more separated, no more suffering, one consciousness. Death is a happy return, like coming home.”The second, what is referred to in Christianity as “The Greatest Commandment,” is its complement. For me, thinking of ourselves as part of one great consciousness has breathed new life into Jesus’ commands to love God (or we could say the One Consciousness) with all our hearts and to love others as ourselves. Because while our hyper-competitive, macho, capitalist society tells us to look out for ourselves, the road to wisdom is being able to look into the eyes of someone who’s very different from you and see your shared worth.Alex Pretti’s final actions were to shield a woman from the border patrol agent who was trying to pepper spray her. That’s love in action. In these troubling times, this is the challenge: to neither turn away from the suffering of others, nor to let it consume us. To hold onto our purpose and let it sustain us. To resist using violence or dehumanizing language towards our enemies. To continue to exercise and call our friends and eat our veggies in and among our emergency preparations. To know we will mess up, and to try and fail and try again.In the prophetic words of Dr. King, “If you can't fly, then run. If you can't run, then walk. If you can't walk, then crawl, but whatever you do, you have to keep moving."May we keep crawling towards a more just world.BONUS MATERIALS:* if you’re in Washington State, WAISN is worth supporting* looking for rapid response teams in other parts of the country? Check it out here* for a much-needed laugh break, this and thisHeretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe | 4m 44s | ||||||
| 1/21/26 | ![]() In Times of Darkness, Choose Something Like a Star | I have prided myself on my ability to put my head down and get on with business, despite all the chaos of the Trump administration. I knew my lane and I stayed in it, trying to let go of what I could not control. But this week, the heaviness of our political reality has felt inescapable. Undoubtedly, I have been naive. I’ve indulged in the fantasy of a modern-day French resistance without ever really grappling with what that resistance cost. (I blame A French Village, which affords its main characters plenty of plot armor.) But witnessing the rampaging cruelty of ICE agents in Minneapolis has stripped away my illusions of safety. My naivety comes with a heavy side of privilege. Middle-class white women like me are typically seen as non-threatening and are often treated respectfully by law enforcement. I know my Black and brown neighbors often aren’t afforded that same benefit of the doubt. Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Logically, I knew that this kind of government-sanctioned brutality happened, but I hadn’t experienced the fear of it in my body until I saw my fellow wine moms reporting how they’d been groped, beaten, and detained simply for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.None of this is by accident. Intimidation is the whole plan. Trump is a bully who can only rule by coercion and fear. This administration wants people like me to look at the murder of Renee Good and see that the cost of resistance is simply too high. But then I remember purpose. Why am I here on earth? Is it simply to preserve my own life for as long as possible? To maximize my material comforts, even if it means shutting the door while my neighbors suffer? Or am I here to be part of a community? Am I here to point my life towards something bigger than myself? Will I struggle towards ideals I can never achieve, even if it means failing, again and again?Is there beauty in that struggle?In the midst of all this fear and grappling, I remembered one of my favorite poems:“Choose Something Like a Star,” by Robert Frost:O Star (the fairest one in sight),We grant your loftiness the rightTo some obscurity of cloud –It will not do to say of night,Since dark is what brings out your light.Some mystery becomes the proud.But to be wholly taciturnIn your reserve is not allowed.Say something to us we can learnBy heart and when alone repeat.Say something! And it says “I burn.”But say with what degree of heat.Talk Fahrenheit, talk Centigrade.Use language we can comprehend.Tell us what elements you blend.It gives us strangely little aid,But does tell something in the end.And steadfast as Keats’ Eremite,Not even stooping from its sphere,It asks a little of us here.It asks of us a certain height,So when at times the mob is swayedTo carry praise or blame too far,We may choose something like a starTo stay our minds on and be staid.(Emphasis mine.) Like our mysterious star, much remains unknown. We can’t say, for sure, where ICE will show up, whether the courts will be able to constrain them, whether things will get worse. That uncertainty is hard to live with. But I also know that when fear comes, the thing to do is take an action, no matter how small. Without going into too much detail publicly, I’ll say that groups are organizing and plans are being made to help keep our neighborhood safe. As a friend in Minneapolis told me this week, we can’t wait for outside forces to save us. We will have to count on each other. We can’t know for sure whether our actions will end up making a difference. Everyone must tally the cost and be prepared to pay it. But I believe fixing our gaze on something higher than ourselves can give us strength to bear those costs. Bonus Materials:* this encouraging post by Heather Cox Richardson* I still think you should watch A French Village* for the Christians among us, I’m also finding this devotional book helpfulHeretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe | 4m 09s | ||||||
| 1/14/26 | ![]() When Survival Mode Pretends to Be Purpose | Have you ever read a book that has you questioning your whole personality? Like, there you were, thinking yourself a unique individual, only to have some random author read you for filth?This happened to me, recently, when I came across the following two books: For those who haven’t gone as far down the self-help rabbit hole, “fawning” is the most recent addition to the Four Fs of Trauma Response:* fight* flight* freeze* fawnPsychologist Pete Walker coined the term, describing it as “a response to a threat by becoming more appealing to the threat.” It’s being submissive and cute, giggling when you actually feel terrified. It’s probably the origin of fundie baby voice.Fawners disconnect from our own needs to merge with the whims of a more powerful person. It’s a response common in people who grew up in volatile, abusive households. We’re great at reading rooms and terrible at reading ourselves.Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.I’ve known for a long time that fawning was my primary response to stress, but only in reading these books did I realize how pervasive this trauma response was in my behaviors and desires. When I think about my pie-in-the sky dreams about writing, service work, or parenting, at the root of much of it is a desire for approval. Has fawning become my entire personality? How much of my life is simply following a script I picked up in childhood?At least I’m not alone in my reliance on autopilot. Recent research estimates that 65% of daily human behavior is performed simply out of habit rather than by conscious choice. Anyone who’s had a loved one with memory loss can testify to how often people repeat the same conversations (and even jokes!) word-for-word. Even given that habits are a big part of getting through the day, I don’t want my life to be governed by trauma responses. I want to access my “higher self” and choose my behaviors. We could call this living intentionally, which is annoying thing yoga teachers say, but, nonetheless, has moral validity.If intentionality is the countervailing force to reactivity, maybe “purpose” is the north star that all those intentions are steering towards? Or does the word “purpose” necessitate a creator making each human with one specific job in mind? I reject the idea that we each have one, singular purpose in life—we’re human beings, not steak knives. But I also know that one tension of being human is that we want to be loved unconditionally AND we also want to be of use to our community. After all, one thing that’s come up in the “boys are in trouble” discourse during the past few years is how many young men feel useless—our tech-charged consumer culture pushes them towards irresponsibility and pleasure-seeking, but they paradoxically need to feel needed by their communities. We all do!So, if we’re to take the black-and-white, hellfire god out of the equation, maybe it would look like this:Purpose = Values (or Ideals) + Being Useful to the Community + Deep JoyThoughts?By the way, I loved reading your comments from last week. You guys are so smart! The big takeaways for me were:* y’all hate Rick Warren with the fire of a thousand suns* many of you tend to focus more on living by a set of values than purpose* I need to read Martin Luther on vocationAs always, I’d love to hear what you think. Do you like my “purpose” equation? How do you orient yourself towards your values? What’s your North Star? Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe | 3m 46s | ||||||
| 1/7/26 | ![]() If God's Not Using Me, Am I Useless? | It’s 2026 and I feel completely unprepared. What is this year? What are we doing? After entertaining my kids all through Christmas break, I could use a vacation. But while I’d rather be hibernating and procrasti-baking, life continues apace!In this time of new year’s resolutions and grand plans, I’ve been thinking about purpose—as in, do we all have one? Just one? And who gets to decide such a thing? Answers were simpler before I deconstructed my faith. When I was confirmed, I had to recite answers to the Westminster Catechism including this exchange:Q: “What is the chief end of man?”A: “To glorify God and enjoy Him forever.”Even as an eager-to-please 11-year-old, this answer struck me as fishy. Didn’t people spend their whole lives trying to figure out the meaning of life? Was I just supposed to accept the Westminster Catechism at face value and never seek out the answers for myself? Then, as now, that was very much NOT MY VIBE.Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.As I grew older and entered into more Evangelical spaces, capital-P Purpose got further dumbed down. There were worship songs and ranting prayers about being “tools for God” and letting God “use” us. Being used by God was, in that worldview, the best-case scenario. In my Calvinist upbringing, we were taught that humans were inherently evil and incapable of doing good. Ergo, the only way to escape this cycle of evil was to hollow oneself out, become a mere vessel for the will of God. And since we were inherently evil, our intuition couldn’t be trusted; joy was suspect. We couldn’t count on our own feelings to point us towards purpose! Instead, we ought to obey a higher calling—whatever that was. Obedience was the only way to be safe, and suffering was evidence of a job well done. It’s a black-and-white, all-or-nothing kind of life, either you’re following God’s mysterious plan for your life (probably to become a missionary) or risking his wrath. It’s telling that, in no other relationship, would we be okay with this kind of rhetoric. Imagine your friend was dating a guy who repeatedly told her she was evil and couldn’t do anything right. Imagine she tells you that her only desire is to be “used” by him. We would call that abuse.I know all this, and yet, it’s hard to un-learn this “I’m a piece of shit” theology. When I ask questions about purpose, is it out of fear of an angry god? Or is it just the garden-variety imposter syndrome of a middle-aged freelancer? So, this month I want to look at Purpose:* Does everyone have a purpose?* If so, do we have one purpose, or many?* Who determines that purpose? If it’s us, how do we know it’s a good one?* Is believing in purpose just an anxiety response?* Or is seeking purpose an innate desire to connect with something higher/outside of ourselves?* How do you know if you’re fulfilling your purpose?* Should I read Rick Warren’s best-selling The Purpose-Driven Life and report back?I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts on this—via email, text, or the comments section. What should I be reading/listening to/thinking about re: purpose?Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe | 3m 21s | ||||||
| 12/31/25 | ![]() What's Your Favorite "Dead Week" Ritual? | We’re in that odd spot in the calendar, the week between Christmas and New Year’s. The excitement of Christmas has faded but the kids are still out of school and many adults (such as myself) are kicking around the house feeling like we ought to be doing something, but what?I used to dread this post-Christmas break, but in recent years, I’ve actually started to look forward to it. Partly this is due to my kids being older and needing less rainy day entertainment from me, but I also have come to think of this week as a time to check-in and reset.So, while the world is quieter and life feels slower, I’d love to hear your ideas for what to do in this post-Christmas lull. Do you have a favorite New Year’s ritual? How do you relax and recharge? Let’s crowdsource our ideas in the comment section below! I’ll kick us off with some of my favorite activities for this time of year.* Rest without guilt: hey you! You’re a mammal, right? And you know what many mammals do this time of year? Hibernate! The human version may look like eating leftovers on the couch while watching sappy movies. Embrace the term “Dead Week” and resist the urge to be productive. That’s some next-week energy.* Prep work: Yeah, I know I just advocated resting. Feel free to opt out of this one, but, if you’re type-A like me, you know the deepest relaxation comes when you feel prepared. What would make you feel like you’re ready the next season? Is it swapping out your warm weather clothes from the closet? Doing a big meal plan and compiling a grocery list? Personally, I love to do a closet purge right after Christmas and ogle the storage stuff at The Container Store while fantasizing about how organized I will be in the new year. A girl can dream, right?* Reflection time: Maybe this means taking a yoga class or doing a “first day hike.” Maybe it’s journaling or pulling some tarot cards. Can you take some time to give yourself credit for all that you accomplished last year with a reverse to-do list? Instead of trying to shame ourselves into changing via new year’s resolutions, how about coming up with a “word of the year” that reflects how you want to show up in 2026? * Coziness: what are the things that would help you enjoy the dark and cold? Candles or twinkle lights? Big sweaters and blankets? A lasagna in the oven or a stew on the stovetop? Planning a board game or movie night? * Witchy Stuff: I’m pretty new to this, but I’m enjoying trying out rituals from various Instagram witches. Will you bury a piece of bread in the ground to call forth abundance in the new year? Maybe burn some rosemary? Now it’s your turn, how are you celebrating “Dead Week”? Share your ideas and wishes in the comments.BONUS MATERIALS:* this hilarious vid for those of you contemplating The Artist’s Way this new year* a little inspo from Joseph YooHeretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe | 2m 59s | ||||||
| 12/17/25 | ![]() In Defense of Depressing Christmas | Hi, I’m back. It’s been odd, not writing to you weekly this fall, even as launching and serializing my novel have been huge, bucket-list items for me.I’m looking forward to getting back into this weekly rhythm, even though it is CHRISTMAS and I am a MOM, so I’m also staring down a to-do list a mile long and my husband and I are having to engage quantum physics to coordinate logistics for all our kids’ activities and, on top of all that I CAN’T FIND MY TRANSIT CARD!!?! (Seriously, where is it???)I am a Christmas-lover, I want to decorate and party and wrap gifts while drinking a festive cocktail under the glow of my Christmas tree. I want to embrace the coziness and make magical memories and pass on traditions to my kids. AND YET, life is continuing to life.I think of this as the Hallmark Christmas problem:Complicated Family Relationships + Sky-High Expectations + “Mandatory” Traditions + Added Expenses + The Same 24 Hours in a Day = Guaranteed DisappointmentNobody in a Hallmark movie ever has to deal with their packages getting delivered to the wrong house or a hormonal tween who suddenly HATES decorating the Christmas tree and thinks it is SO CRINGE, MOM!!!(No shade to those of you who love these movies—I know plenty of people who like them because they are unrealistic.)But even apart from all the stresses of this time of year, part of me wonders if it’s even right to celebrate when there are so many awful things going on in the world.I mean, we have our share of tragedies: ICE raids, Trump chaos, Gazans living in flooded refugee camps…I could go on! Here in western Washington, many folks are suffering huge losses from ongoing floods.Are we just supposed to pretend the bad stuff isn’t happening? Sometimes it feels like a single negative emotion wanders through your brain in December you are FAILING AT CHRISTMAS.This is where the picture-perfect fantasy Christmas falls short: life isn’t beautiful because it’s flawless, it’s the flaws that make us appreciate the beauty. Is it disappointing that my kid refused to participate in tree decorating? Sure. And also, I wouldn’t trade my sarcastic, cantankerous tween for any wide-eyed Hallmark tyke.So, instead of micromanaging Christmas magic, this year I’m going to try:* Setting my expectations lower: no, however low you’re thinking, lower than that.* Not running from negativity: embrace the parts of Christmas that just suuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I’m looking at you, 8-hour drive on I-90.* Prioritizing: pick a few things that matter most to you and your family over being pressured to adhere to “traditions.” And yes, this will cause drama. Stay strong!Am I arguing for Depressing Christmas? Not exactly. Instead, I propose a holiday season that holds space for the “and-ness,” of life as I like to call it: life is beautiful and horrible, funny and sad; it’s absurd and it makes sense. I wrote about experiencing this and-ness watching the sunrise the morning after my brother died.Interestingly enough, the OG Christmas story has plenty of darkness: accusations of infidelity, difficult travels, and, oh yeah, a massacre of babies. It’s a far cry from the sanitized version that’s so often printed on Christmas cards.Or, to put it in less religious terms: sometimes I think we get so focused on the candles and Christmas lights that we look past the (metaphorical and literal) darkness of this season. But ignoring the darkness doesn’t make our holidays brighter. Only embracing the duality of the season will do that: life is beautiful and hard. Christmas is magical and disappointing. People are hurting and still I can feel joy.Wishing you all and beautiful, hard, real holiday season.Questions: What holiday traditions would you like to let go of? What are you looking forward to? What are you grieving this holiday season? Also, WHERE IS MY TRANSIT CARD???BONUS MATERIALS:* in case you missed a chapter during the Manly Man of God inbox deluge, here’s the completed Table of Contents, with links to all the chapters!* friend of the ‘stack, Jen Zug is hosting a Safe Space to Complain About Holiday Overwhelm! Join us!* I’m typically a “classics only” Christmas music person, but this music video was too funny (and real!) to pass upHeretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe | 4m 03s | ||||||
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