LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life
by Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW
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Recent episodes
Breadwinning
Apr 20, 2026
49m 23s
The Wise Adult
Dec 31, 2025
37m 06s
The Strength of the Adaptive Child
Dec 13, 2025
36m 00s
Bad Couples Therapy
Nov 14, 2025
53m 54s
Are You Curious About Yourself?
Sep 18, 2025
37m 49s
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Resolving iTunes ID\u2026 if this persists, the podcast may not be indexed on Apple Podcasts.
| Date | Episode | Topics | Guests | Brands | Places | Keywords | Sponsor | Length | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 4/20/26 | Breadwinning✨ | breadwinningfinancial responsibility+3 | — | — | — | breadwinningrelationships+3 | — | 49m 23s | |
| 12/31/25 | The Wise Adult | Send us Fan Mail The Wise Adult is the gold standard for the capacity for intimacy. In our 80th episode -- and that last one before a 8 month hiatus from recording -- we consider the beauty and optimism this layer-of-personality brings, offering us relief from the seemingly-automatic responses our other layers routinely present. | 37m 06s | ||||||
| 12/13/25 | The Strength of the Adaptive Child | Send us Fan Mail Poised in between the slings and arrows of early childhood (i.e., the Wounded Child) and the emergence of the Wise Adult, the Adaptive Child becomes our friend and our go-to personality more often than not. Jerry and Kristy pay homage to it, while discussing the real-life repercussions of your Adaptive Child for your relationships. | 36m 00s | ||||||
| 11/14/25 | Bad Couples Therapy | Send us Fan Mail This was a topic that was requested of us to talk about, and which resonated with both Kristy and Jerry as a worthy one. When couples therapy goes wrong, or is unsatisfying to the couple that searched for help, why is this??? What type of connection, process and set of skills are necessary to have things click and move forward with good feeling for all involved? Kristy and Jerry consider this (along with a fake fight in which one person argues about the couples therapist favo... | 53m 54s | ||||||
| 9/18/25 | Are You Curious About Yourself? | Send us Fan Mail After having previously considered how curiousity functions in a relationship, Kristy and Jerry take a look at how it also influences us as individuals, over our lifespans. | 37m 49s | ||||||
| 8/7/25 | Are You Curious About Your Partner? | Send us Fan Mail After a summer hiatus, Jerry & Kristy are back, talking about the curiosities -- or lack of curiosities -- we have about our partners. How does this affect intimacy? Long-term relationship habits can work to erode spontaneity, a sense of discovery and wonder and all the good stuff that was there in the beginning. Can curiosity be restored??? YES, and at any point in the life span of your relationship. | 38m 08s | ||||||
| 4/19/25 | Controlling Your Partner | Send us Fan Mail Jerry & Kristy consider the ebbs and flow of attempted control of the other person within a relationship. What does it get you? What's so wrong about it, anyway? An epic fight about the way the other person loads the dishwasher is featured in the second half, as well as a better-way-forward illustrated. | 40m 08s | ||||||
| 3/28/25 | When You're Both Avoidant | Send us Fan Mail So what happens when BOTH of you have patterns of avoiding conflict and want to keep the peace at all costs, even if it means staying with an unhappy status quo? Jerry & Kristy consider this (a listener-suggested topic) in light of the rewards that can come from decidedly "rocking the boat." | 31m 37s | ||||||
| 3/8/25 | Seek First to Understand | Send us Fan Mail Identifying your feelings and then talking about them isn't enough. There is another person present in the relationship and reaching to understand THEM is the very challenge that we have to master in order for any progress to take hold. Kristy and Jerry consider how the search for understanding of "the other" usually presents itself -- either in its presence or its absence and show you how this often breaks out in fights. Alternatives are identified and practiced. | 41m 53s | ||||||
| 2/15/25 | That Third Day of Vacation Fight | Send us Fan Mail You finally both get to the vacation destination of your dreams -- something you've been saving for the rest of the year and it seems just great. Until the third day, when you have That Big Fight. Why is this such a recognizable thing to most couples? What explains it? And what could help things be better? | 34m 57s | ||||||
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| 1/24/25 | The Space Between Our Two Realities | Send us Fan Mail Sometimes it is hard to believe we are on the same planet, witnessing the same things as our partner but ending up with very different perspectives. Kristy and Jerry consider the "space between" and consider how best to handle differences about "Reality" when it comes to life in the here-and-now with a partner. | 33m 59s | ||||||
| 1/8/25 | New Beginnings With the Same (Old) Partner? | Send us Fan Mail Is it possible? How can this be done? And what are the rewards? Jerry and Kristy consider the rewards and roadblocks to blazing new paths of discovery and adventure with your current partner. | 30m 49s | ||||||
| 11/17/24 | The Long Ride Home After Couples Therapy | Send us Fan Mail Triumphing over technical difficulties for today's episode, Kristy and Jerry talk about that long ride home after couples' sessions. Variations on it are proposed, along with a reaffirmation of the purpose of couples' therapy. Hints are dropped about a 2026 event. | 26m 06s | ||||||
| 10/11/24 | When the Adaptive Child Insists on Prevailing | Send us Fan Mail In this conversation, Kristy and Jerry explore the concept of the 'adaptive child'—the immature part of ourselves that can dominate our reactions during conflicts. They discuss how to navigate situations when one partner is stuck in this state for an extended period, emphasizing the importance of self-care, compassion, and understanding. The dialogue highlights the significance of timing, safety, and the role of personal energy in communication. They also address the anxiety ... | 46m 25s | ||||||
| 9/20/24 | Self-Soothing | Send us Fan Mail In this conversation, Jerry and Kristy discuss the importance of self-soothing in relationships. They define self-soothing as the ability to observe oneself and step in to soothe oneself before reacting negatively. They explore different techniques for self-soothing, such as deep breathing, listening to soothing music, spending time with pets, writing, taking baths, and going for walks. They also discuss the need for self-awareness and the importance of not reacting impulsive... | 36m 29s | ||||||
| 9/1/24 | How To Use Therapy | Send us Fan Mail Jerry and Kristy discuss the gap that can exist between "having good sessions" and actual change taking place, for either an individual or a couple. Tips for bringing the best of therapy to your actual relationship life are shared. | 35m 49s | ||||||
| 7/27/24 | Making the Most of Your Time Together | Send us Fan Mail It's almost astonishing how -- after lamenting how little time we "get" to spend with our partner -- we routinely ignore the basics of positive connection in the time we finally set aside to be together. Kristy and Jerry review how some of these dynamics work and suggest corrective measures that can enhance your relational health. | 45m 17s | ||||||
| 7/1/24 | Diagnosing Your Partner | Send us Fan Mail The perils and pluses of reaching a diagnostic understanding about your partner are considered. Voicing diagnostic lingo to your partner is considered in terms of being an usually-losing tactic. Of special consideration when one of the couple is a therapist her/himself.... | 32m 25s | ||||||
| 6/9/24 | Repair | Send us Fan Mail Jerry & Kristy take an extended look at the process of repair. Frequently misunderstood as a "moment" it is actually a relational project that requires vulnerability, bravery and follow-through. Specific applications of the process of repair to four different fight-scenarios are illustrated. | 1h 09m 44s | ||||||
| 5/22/24 | Money | Send us Fan Mail Couples usually stumble over this ever-present elephant-in-the-room; what if you have different backgrounds, expectations and habits when it comes to personal finances? What are the implications for the two of you as a couple? How do you even begin to talk about it? Jerry and Kristy ponder this out loud, with numerous common examples of disconnect. Hopeful strategies are identified. | 43m 55s | ||||||
| 4/27/24 | Patriarchy In Our Relationships | Send us Fan Mail Jerry and Kristy consider the thorny impact of worldwide patriarchy on the way we function in our relationships. Alternative models are considered, as well as an understanding of how the status-quo we were born into results in a bad deal for both men and women. | 42m 01s | ||||||
| 4/2/24 | Everything Breaks; Most Gets Fixed | Send us Fan Mail You know the feeling when you just want to throw things away? When one too many things have occurred and you would just love to get rid of things (or your partner?) instead of working to fix them? Jerry ponders the convergence of a number of mechanical breakdowns that came his way as Kristy puts it in context of the ever-present challenge of relational repair. | 32m 52s | ||||||
| 3/14/24 | Ego | Send us Fan Mail What role does our ego play in helping, or hindering, connection with our partner? Kristy & Jerry unpack some of this together. Jerry reports some about his travel to Southern India and how long it took him to finally unpack after returning. | 46m 53s | ||||||
| 2/23/24 | What If Your Partner Doesn't Want To Do "The Work"? | Send us Fan Mail It's more rare than we would like that both partners in a couple approach "the work" of behavioral change with the same intensity, at the same rate, and in the same way. What happens if one person is much more enthusiastic about "doing the work" than the other partner? Kristy and Jerry consider this in today's episode. | 37m 31s | ||||||
| 2/2/24 | I Am DONE!!! | Send us Fan Mail Memorable, highly-charged words and phrases are frequently heard in couples' therapists' offices. What they mean -- how they are understood between people who claim to love each other -- is often highly debatable and unclear. Jerry and Kristy try to translate some meanings in today's episode. | 36m 40s | ||||||
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