Not By Accident

We have a great start to 2018. Fireworks on New Year’s Eve. You and me, and thousands of Canberrans by the lake on a perfect summer’s evening. Life is in control. I have a grant to write a book, Wondery wants the podcast to continue, advertisers are keen, listeners seem keen. I thought I was just about done, but all this has me feeling optimistic. You’re reaching new levels of autonomy, independence, with thoughts, interests and a whole world opening up that has nothing to do with me. You challenge me, you question me, sometimes you know things I don’t know. You have a point of view. You always did in a way, but somehow this is new.  Childcare and preschool have prepared you (and me) for Kindergarten. You’re ready. For now, school is exactly where you want to be.I’m at crossroads again. I’ve been heading for it for a while. I need to make a change. I need to finish writing the book. I’ve said most of what I wanted to say in our podcast. I’ve spent almost three years making 34 episodes, it’s almost 16 hours. Our lives as stories, for me, for our family, for all people who chose to listen, but most of all for you. It’s yours Astrid, forever, with all my love. You’re an autonomous person now. It’s time to let you be the custodian of your own story. This is the end of season two. It is time to stop. I predict one or two stray episodes in the future when there’s something worth saying, but more or less, this is it. There won’t be a season three.If this was fiction, we’d have a big ending. Something life-changing. But this isn’t fiction. This isn’t the future. This is real life. This is now.Instead I’ll end with something I can control. This occasion deserves a party!This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. We’re supported by generous listeners. Story editing by Michelle Webster.Thank you family and friends for letting me share your stories and for all your support. Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License: Charge Into 2015, The Time To Run andThe Stars Are Out (Interlude) by Dexter Britain, Tam8+ei4 by LJ Kruzer and Spellbound by Broke For Free. Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free. Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, to get in touch and join the e-newsletter to hear what we’re up to.I will miss all you listeners. Some have become real world friends, and many more feel like friends to me. I have been so deeply touched my your emails, reviews, voice messages and by your donations. I truely will treasure your words for the rest of my life. I think we both will. And you can know we’re both here, figuring things out, adapting our priorities, sometimes struggling, sometimes succeeding, just living life. Don’t worry, we’re still here in real life. If you’d like to send a one-off donation, go to www.paypal.me/notbyaccident. Thank you so much you amazing people who have supported us on Patreon! Julie Greb, Margaret P. Jones, Trish Perlen, Angela Kim, Emma Burbank, Ellie McHale, Russell Kerrison, Julie Greenhalgh, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Sarah E. Leslie, Adam Coulson, Melanie Ann, Lea Durie, Laura Getson, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Megan O’Brien, Katie Wolgamot, Hannah Lownsbrough, Lilit Asiryan, Laura Madge, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell, Mariele Thadani, Pip Muir, Cynthia Madia and more.Sponsored by Hello Fresh: US listeners, For a total of $60 off, that’s $20 off your first 3 boxes, visit hellofresh.com/accident60 and enter accident60.Thank you so much for listening.

We’re watching Mimi’s bridal waltz, lit by the sunset’s golden glow in a retro-opulent ballroom, filled with love. I have a huge lump in my throat. I can’t quite believe we’re here, for this moment, for Michael and Antonia, young lovers who lost touch for years, then found each other again, and somehow found themselves. They seem as filled with joy as it’s possible to be. And I am too, as I look around the table at our closest friends from Denmark who we left a year ago, reunited, as if geography is nothing and the bonds of friendship are everything. I glance out at golden Manhattan across the East River, as I squeeze you on my lap, my little companion, and my depletion is filled up. By this city, this adventure, these people, this wedding, by all this love and by you.There have been obstacles getting here. I needed help with the money. And travel with a kid is hard. I haven’t been able to control everything. Sleep is a battle, with jet lag and adrenalin pushing us further and further out of sync. But amongst logistical headaches, so many moments have been magical, since we left Canberra on last week’s pre-dawn flight. This production is made by Sophie and Astrid Harper, in partnership with Wondery. We’re supported by generous listeners. Dear patreon supporters, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the ongoing support. Story editing by Michelle Webster.Thanks to Michael and Antonia, Steen, Ana, Jim, Anne and the boys, to my biggest nephew Sebastian, and especially to you Astrid, for letting me share your stories. Music from the wedding (invoking Fair Use) That’s Amore by Dean Martin, New York New York by Frank Sinatra, Ave Maria by Bach/Gounod, Get Ready by The Temptations, You Send Me by Sam Cooke, Unchained Melody by The Righteous Brothers and Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper. Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.Sponsored by Hello Fresh: US listeners, for $30 off your first week of HelloFresh, visit hellofresh.com/accident30 and enter code ACCIDENT30 Thank you kind people supporting us on Patreon! Margaret P. Jones, Trish Perlen, Angela Kim, Emma Burbank, Ellie McHale, Russell Kerrison, Julie Greenhalgh, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Sarah E. Leslie, Adam Coulson, Melanie Ann, Lea Durie, Laura Getson, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Megan O’Brien, Katie Wolgamot, Hannah Lownsbrough, Lilit Asiryan, Laura Madge, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell, Mariele Thadani, Pip Muir and more.If you’d like to chip in a couple of dollars towards each new episode, go to patreon.com/notbyaccident.  Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch. We’ll be back with the next instalment in about 4 weeks.

I get to work on too many ideas. I’m going to work for myself. That’s decided. I register as a business, open a bank account, brainstorm plans, buy three web domains. There are a lot of things I want to do. I’ll be a freelancer, teaching, video production, maybe other things, but not too much. I can’t be swamped because there’s more. I’ll start an online documentary school. I’ll write some books. I know what I want to write. I’m itching to start. And I have three podcast ideas. Cooking with my mum, documentary filmmaker conversations, and our story. I want to do them all!I have to pick a place to start and our podcast is the one closest to my heart. I try to turn down the volume on all my screaming ideas and to concentrate. Since 2011 I’ve recorded clips from my life, from our lives, with the hope that one day I could use them to tell the story of becoming a single mother by choice. I’ve been writing little passages in my head for years. I have 300 audio clips, about 200 hours. I listen, I trim, I take notes, I double the speed. Days pass like this. It’s going to take forever. Sometimes it feels voyeuristic. Peering into a past life. One I’d partially forgotten, as if it’s someone else’s. I pick a date. I announce the series. Now I can’t back out. This is happening.   This production is made by Sophie and Astrid Harper, in partnership with Wondery. We’re supported by generous listeners. Story editing by Michelle Webster.Thanks to my family and friends for being part of the story, and especially to Astrid. Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:Charge Into 2015 by Dexter Britain, Eutrophic by Mystery Mammal and Ennui by Lee Rosevere. Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.Hello Fresh: US listeners, for $30 off your first week of HelloFresh, visit hellofresh.com/accident30 and enter code ACCIDENT30Thank you kind people supporting us on Patreon! Margaret P. Jones, Trish Perlen, Angela Kim, Emma Burbank, Ellie McHale, Russell Kerrison, Julie Greenhalgh, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Sarah E. Leslie, Adam Coulson, Melanie Ann, Lea Durie, Laura Getson, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Megan O’Brien, Katie Wolgamot, Lilit Asiryan, Laura Madge, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell and Mariele Thadani and more.If you’dlike to chip in a couple of dollars towards each new episode, go to patreon.com/notbyaccident.Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch.We’ll be back with the next instalment in about 4 weeks.

We’re trying to create a home, but I have things to sort out. The detritus of my life is in storage units and suburban garages. The belongings I packed away as one life stage ended and a new one began; they’re spread around. It makes me feel uneasy. Summer is upon us, our Danish shipment has settled into our new apartment, and I feel ready at last to consolidate. Ready to re-contextualise myself, in my own life story. As you try to contextualize yourself, and our little family that looks different to the ones you see around you. And find your place in our wider family. I have a storage container in Sydney. I moved to Denmark with two boxes and two suitcases. Shipping the rest didn’t make sense. As years passed, with the monthly direct debits adding up, I wished I wasn’t so sentimental. I wished I’d let go from the start! I try not to think about the money, I’ve come this far. I spend another thousand dollars having it brought to Canberra in a truck, the big pieces, the small pieces.  It’s a time capsule of my Sydney life. These are the things I spent years collecting, that made me feel like me. I’m back in Surry Hills, in my street, in my tiny terrace house that I loved so much. The memories flood back and it all feels so strange. Once it’s assimilated, there’s more to take care of. My parents broke up when I was 15. It’s not a particularly unusual story. It was a shock. It took time to get over. The family home went up for sale. I packed up my bedroom, my childhood, and put it away. It all went off to my Dad’s new garage. We rediscover treasures, shed what we don’t need or want, we consolidate. I pack some new boxes: For Astrid age 5, For Astrid age 6, For Astrid age 7. For when you’re ready. A childhood of memories, in boxes, for the next generation.  This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. I’m supported by generous listeners. Story editing by Michelle Webster.Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for being part of the story. Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:Starling by Lee Rosevere, Think On It by Ian Sutherland and Spellbound by Broke for Free. Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.Sponsors:RXBar Kids: Go to rxbar.com/accident & enter code accident at checkout for 25% off your first orderHello Fresh: For $30 off your first week of HelloFresh, visit hellofresh.com and enter code ACCIDENT30 Thank you kind people supporting me on Patreon! Margaret P. Jones, Emma Burbank, Ellie McHale, Russell Kerrison, Julie Greenhalgh, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Sarah E. Leslie, Adam Coulson, Melanie Ann, Lea Durie, Laura Getson, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Laura Madge, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell and Mariele Thadani and more.If you’d like to chip in a couple of dollars towards each new episode, go to patreon.com/notbyaccident.  Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch. Astrid has asked for something special as a belated 5th birthday present: a podcast episode that’s not boring, for adults. Her story, made for her, with her, for now. So in four weeks, we’ll be back with something a bit different. A special episode of Not By Accident, for kids.  

It’s September 2017. I’ve been feeling recently that it’s important for you understand more of who I am. You see me as a mother, a daughter, an aunt, a friend, a podcaster, a writer. But I’m also a lesbian. You’ve always known, I’ve always told you that if I fall in love one day it will be with a woman. That you won’t ever have a Dad, but maybe one day, if things work out that way, you’ll have two mums. But it’s been abstract for you until now. You’ve only ever had a single mother. I haven't been on a date in your lifetime. It’s become abstract for me too. I miss that part of my identity sometimes, being involved in that community, but I’ve been so caught up with motherhood and work and establishing life in our new home that I’ve put it aside. For later.But maybe later is now. The decade long fight for marriage equality in Australia has finally come to a head. The government, hampered by their own factions, has decided to ask the people once and for all: “Should the law be changed to allow same-sex couples to marry? Yes/No.” A one question postal survey, for all voting age Australians. Just tick a box and send it back. There’s no putting it aside now.This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. I’m supported by generous listeners and by my family, my friends and my daughter.Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:Passages by Kai Engel and Sunsets and Shitty Cars by Ian Sutherland.Incidental music by Chic, Sister Sledge, John Paul Young and Bette Midler. Clips from 7.30 and Insiders, ABC TV Australia. (invoking Fair Use)Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License:Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free. Sponsors:RXBar Kids: Go to rxbar.com/accident & enter code accident at checkout for 25% off your first orderHello Fresh: For $30 off your first week of HelloFresh, visit hellofresh.com and enter code ACCIDENT30 Thank you kind people supporting me on Patreon! Margaret P. Jones, Ellie McHale, Russell Kerrison, Julie Greenhalgh, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Sarah E. Leslie, Adam Coulson, Melanie Ann, Lea Durie, Laura Getson, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell and Mariele Thadani and more.If you’d like to chip in a couple of dollars towards each new episode, go to patreon.com/notbyaccident. Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch. We’ll be back with the next instalment in 4 weeks.From our family to yours, Happy New Year!

I get the feared call from pre-school on the last day of term. You’ve hit your head, badly. I keep a close watch on you for signs of concussion and thankfully, there are none. I feel shattered from the worry and the shock. I give up on work and pamper you for the rest of the day. The hardest thing is when you’re hurt or sick. Or when I’m sick. Or worst of all, we’re both sick. That’s when it’s hardest to be a single parent. The worry that I might miss the signs of something serious. Of seeing you suffer. Running out of supplies when we can’t just dash to the shops for more food or more medicine. When I have to miss work and I can’t think of an alternative. It’s 2015, in Denmark. You’re two. I’ve told Nadia the Principal that this is my last year, we’ll be going home to Australia in the Summer. I want to go out on a high, the way I felt when I left for maternity leave. You got sick on Friday. It’s flu or something. I will you to be well by Monday. I’m worried about work. But Monday comes and you’re not. I have a toddler with a fever who needs my care and a room full of students waiting for me. There’s nobody to step in for either role. I miss a whole week. After the course a student write on their evaluation form “It was a terrible course. I don’t understand why she couldn’t just get someone else to look after her sick kid.” No, you wouldn’t understand. It’s not something you can understand. Until it’s you.When I was nine, I got sick like that, and the disease progressed but I didn’t get better. For weeks, then months I didn’t get better. Tests began. I was tested for everything. Invasive tests, horrible tests, with no conclusions. I’ve always thought of this as my story, but now that I’m a mother I know it’s just as much hers. It took a year to get a diagnosis. Myalgic Encephalomyalitis, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I was an active young kid, sport was the thing I did best, I swam for the school, played netball, softball, cricket, distance running, it was where I found my self-worth. And then I was bedridden, for a year. The diagnosis was a relief, I wasn’t dying, but it was a burden and a curse.This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for being part of the story. I’m supported by generous listeners. Story editing by Michelle Webster.Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:Transpire by Dexter Britain, Dolphin and Snow Monkeys by Candlegravity. Someone to Watch Over Me by Blossom Dearie (invoking Fair Use). Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.I’m now on Patreon. If you’d like join the kind people who are already supporting me to produce each new episode, go to patreon.com/notbyaccident. Thanks so much to Margaret P. Jones, Russell Kerrison, Julie Greenhalgh, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Adam Coulson, Melanie Ann, Lea Durie, Laura Getson, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Jessica Kindynis, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell and Mariele Thadani for your support.To everyone who’s written to share your stories and to support me in continuing, thank you. I’m very behind with my replies, but want you to know each message means so much. Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch.We’ll be back with the next installment in about 3 weeks.

The Principal, my boss, has a job offer and decides to take it. The question of leadership opens up. While the Board search for a new Head, somebody will act. Most likely not me, though I’m Vice Principal. We’re living through the worst sleepless nights of the ear infection. I can barely get it together to brush my teeth, let alone to take real responsibility. I want to dig deep, to be as capable and strong as before, to prove something for the sake of all women. But for now I am weak.Your eardrum bursts. No more crying in pain through the night. Within days I’m stronger, better, more capable. I’m aware of the options being explored, of others being considered to lead until a new Principal is in place. But all of a sudden, I suppose thanks to who I was at work before motherhood, they decide it’s me! Thank god I’ve slept.I sit in the Principal’s office and feel like I’m in a dream. A bit like a kid wearing their parent’s clothes, a tiny bit of imposter syndrome. But mostly I feel taller, lighter, completely capable and utterly relieved to find motherhood hasn’t erased that. I can still do my job. I can step up. Because of the summer pace, I can stay on top of it and shift to part time for some weeks to spend time with you. For this moment, it almost seems I can have it all.We need a little summer break too. Time is short, work looms. I book four nights in Crete. A perfect holiday, for just you and me.This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. Edited by Michelle Webster. I’m supported by generous listeners.Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for being part of the story.Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:Libertad by Iriate and Pesoa and Other Sources by Candlegravity. Zorba the Greek by Mikis Theodorakis (invoking Fair Use).Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License:Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.I’m now on Patreon. If you’d like join the kind people who are already supporting me to produce each new episode, go to patreon.com/notbyaccident.Thanks so much to Margaret P. Jones, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell and Mariele Thadani for your support.To everyone who’s written to share your stories and to support me in continuing, thank you. I’m very behind with my replies, but want you to know each message means so much.Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch.We’ll be back with the next installment in about 2 weeks.

When I reflect on my childhood, I think of things I had that you don’t: two parents, a brother, a sister, a big house and garden, a dog, private schooling, beach and ski holidays, no money worries… and I wonder. I wonder if I’m making the right choices.In season two, we’ll make our way through four years, from one to five, across continents, cultures, careers, seasons, struggles, successes. We’re moving forward, in ten episodes, drawing from the past, cherishing the present, heading toward an optimistic future.Here’s the crux of it Astrid. Your childhood is my priority and for you to thrive, I need to thrive too. So, let’s find our way there, together.Episode 21 will be out in two weeks, with new episodes every two weeks or so, dependent on, you know, life. Thanks for listening. It’s good to be back.This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery, and with the support of generous listeners.Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:My Luck by Broke For Free.Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License:Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.I’m now on Patreon! If you’d like to support the series with a small donation to each new episode, you can do it here: https://www.patreon.com/notbyaccident  Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series or to get in touch.Thanks for listening. It’s good to be back.

Episode 19: Turning One The shock of being back at work is becoming routine. Even the pre-sunrise race to childcare. I feel sorry for myself, and can't quite believe I made life choices that led us to this, as I force your pram through snow drifts, scarf guarding my face from the elements; you wrapped up like a bundle, bewildered, squinting to protect your eyes from the snow that whips across the landscape. It's ridiculously hard. Comically hard. I start to look at people with cars the same way I looked at people with jobs as an unemployed graduate: Do you even know how good your life is?! I fantasize about buying one. I've started saving. I fantasize about giving up and going home. Did I really choose this over Australian weather and our family? Spare moments start to fill with thoughts of your upcoming birthday. Your very first birthday. Packages arrive. I'm happier than if they were for me. The night before, I get a late night burst of pleasure rearranging the furniture and making a birthday display for you to wake up to. Imagining your delight makes me as delighted as anything can. Surpassed only by witnessing it. This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. I'm supported by generous listeners and the Australian Cultural Fund. Thanks to my colleagues, my family, my friends and my daughter for being part of the story. Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License: Mell's Parade and High School Snaps by Broke For Free; Weathered Home 3: Bird Split Sky and Fieldtrip by Candlegravity. Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free. US listeners, support the series and eat well! Hello Fresh is my first sponsor. Sign up at www.hellofresh.com and use the promo code 'noaccident35' to get $35 off your first delivery. Everybody wins! Care.com are our new sponsors! To save 30% off a Premium membership—and receive a $15 credit that you can use toward paying your caregiver, visit care.com/noaccident when you subscribe. Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series or to get in touch. We're having a survey blitz this month. Could you take 5 minutes to respond at wondery.com/survey? It helps. So do the iTunes reviews. Thank you kind listeners for the recent ones. I read them all and a nice review in the morning totally makes my day. We'll be back in two weeks.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the expectation of an exchange: you help me move house, I’ll buy you pizza and beer; you babysit, I’ll do the same for you another day. I had thought it rare that people do things for others without expecting anything in return. I’ve been wrong. People have done things for me, particularly since I became a parent, when I couldn’t offer anything back but friendship and gratitude. Acts of kindness and generosity have come without judgement, even though I’m judging myself, feeling I should be able to do it all. They come not as an offer I can refuse, but as a statement of how it’s going to be. There is kindness and generosity and community all around, if you slow down enough to let it in. Summer has well and truly arrived, and I’ve barely stopped to look forward to the holidays. Weekdays have had the usual rhythm of childcare drop-offs, quiet days working alone, and happy reunions in the afternoons. I’ve been so grateful for this bunch of people who care about you and me and our family, who join me in a laugh or a winge, who let it pass if I struggle to make conversation when my mind is making its way back from somewhere else. Often these are the only adults I talk to all day and they’ve made this a much happier year for me too. Jenny and Grandpa are hosting Christmas this year. It’s going to be huge. A proper hot sunny suburban modern blended family Australian Christmas. This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. I’m supported by generous listeners and the Australian Cultural Fund. Thanks to my family, my friends, our childcare centre and my daughter for being part of this podcast. Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License: Sidewalk Chalk by Broke For Free; Ink and Lifted by Dexter Britain. Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free. US listeners, support the series and eat well. Hello Fresh Has signed on to support me for 2017! Sign up at www.hellofresh.com and use the promo code 'noaccident35' to get $35 off your first delivery. Everybody wins! Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series or to get in touch. We’ll be back late in January after the summer break, ready for a new year. From all of us to all of you, happy holidays!

Happy 4th birthday Alex! We have a party in Granny's garden to celebrate. An opportunity to try out my new recording gear. Your donations have gone to good use, thank you. I've caught up with myself. Here's Alex's first birthday! You sit together at the party in a paddling pool full of coloured balls, and you play. He seems so grown up, able to crawl around to whatever takes his interest. You're not mobile yet, but you can sit! It's a whole new perspective on the world. I can't believe I'm taking you away from all of this before your first birthday. The countdown is on. I've stolen moments while you sleep to apply for your passport, for your residency permit, for childcare in Denmark, I've booked our flights, started packing and organized our farewell tour. My stomach churns more with each passing day as I prepare for us to leave behind this peaceful life to begin our new one. But things are falling into place, and you remind me to stop and breathe and to be happy. This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. I'm supported by generous listeners and the Australian Cultural Fund. Thanks to my family, my friends, and my daughter for allowing me to record and for all your support. Special thanks to Emmett, Max and Caroline, and to Alexandra, Will and Caroline. Thank you for the reviews, messages, and donations! Please consider writing an iTunes review. They really do help the series find more listeners. Wondery would like to know more about you, so it would be great if you could fill in a quick survey at wondery.com/survey Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License: Late Mornings by Dexter Britain, Starting Over and Afghan by Candlegravity; Something Elated by Broke For Free. Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free. US listeners, support the series and eat well. Hello Fresh Has signed on to support me for 2017! Sign up at www.hellofresh.com and use the promo code 'noaccident35' to get $35 off your first delivery. Everybody wins! Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series or to get in touch. I'll be back, to get off this plane, in about two weeks.

As my health improves and I feel more secure with my baby care skills, we begin to venture out. We meet my sister Charlotte, who looks so relaxed and confident out here in public. I can't even imagine feeling that way again, but I try to let it rub off on me. We sit and I breastfeed to settle you. Thankfully, you attach easily, barely allowing a glimpse, restoring my modesty with your little head, looking like you're sleeping in my arms. I can block out the world and find my centre again. Charlotte is in her last weeks of maternity leave. The thought of being away from you actually hurts and I'm grateful that I won’t have to face this for a long time. I haven't decided if I'll return to Denmark when my year is up . I don’t know what will be best for us. The decisions I'll have to make will be both practical and emotional. You already know we did go back. When you were 10 months old, the two of us moved back to Denmark, to full time work for me and full time childcare for you. In my mind it is an 18 month commitment. I don't want you to be away from your family for any longer than this. When things are good it’s workable, but if you get sick I have no options. I have to stay home and then my students have no teacher. Even when we are both well, I can't put in the hours I did before. I feel I'm not being the teacher or the mother I want to be. I'm always letting somebody down. I don't want to live like this. As we left Denmark a year ago, I could see three paths: to find another ambitious job in Australia, to study again, or to stop searching for outside options and commit. To put paid work and institutional security on hold for creative work. This is the financially irresponsible option. For me, the bravest and riskiest option. It's also the one that allows flexibility so I can be available for you when you needed me, guilt free. This is what I want to try, but I have to fight hard against my instinct to seek security, structure, and the validation that comes with working for a great institution. I start the podcast. The pressure of responsibility has a way of keeping me focused. I'm getting traction. We are on TV, we're on the radio, in print, at home and abroad. It's not always good, but mostly people receive what I'm doing in the spirit in which I'm doing it. There are no geographical boundaries, which is exactly what I'd hoped. People are listening, it's resonating, they're donating money to help me continue. Audio makers reach out, and I'm welcomed in. A network, Wondery! I’m not alone anymore. I'm part of something bigger! And with that, sponsorship! An income! It's modest, but it's an income! I'll be able to service my car, go to the dentist, buy new pants to replace the ones that suddenly only reach the top of your socks. Throw out my maternity bras! I'm on the way to making a living again, but this time working for me. This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery! I'm supported by generous listeners and the Australian Cultural Fund. Music by Dexter Britain, Broke for Free, Chris Zabriskie and Versus Shade Collapse. Thanks to my family, my friends, my daughter, and to Dan Lizette, Lea Thau, Jon Cohen, Michelle Webster, Cathy Gray, Kate Montague, Koren Helbig, Hernan Lopez, and to listeners and friends who believe in what I'm doing and have encouraged and supported me to keep doing it. Thank you for the iTunes reviews and for the messages, and donations! I feel very blessed. I'll be back in two weeks to tell you about the gentle and happy routines of early motherhood. Granny's (Diana Lampe's) poppy seed cake recipe for Astrid: http://www.goodfood.com.au/recipes/pearfect-20130408-2hgtd Clips: ABC Double J with Myf Warhurst and Ian Walker The Podcast Digest (episode 95) with Dan Lizette SRSLY podcast, New Statesman #43 with Caroline Crampton and Anna Leszkiewicz Strangers with Lea Thau (Not By Accident episode) SBS TV The Feed: Sperm Tourism Music by permission from the artist: I'm Going to Die by Versus Shade Collapse. Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License: Candlepower by Chris Zabriskie; Happy Together by Dexter Britain; A Year and The Great by Broke For Free. Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free. US listeners, support the series and eat well. Hello Fresh Has signed on to support me for 2017! Sign up at www.hellofresh.com and use the promo code 'noaccident35' to get $35 off your first delivery. Everybody wins! Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series or to get in touch.

With you suckling at my chest and our family here to celebrate your birth, I feel elated, and sure it must be over. But it isn't quite over yet. The family are ushered out for the doctors to begin stitching me up. I’m on my back, feet in stirrups, trying to think more about you than about the four or five people examining the damage. Your tiny fingers are so long and thin, with soft fingernails that curl over at the ends. Your hair is fair and curly, but darker than mine. Or is it the dry blood and amniotic fluid that make it look that way? Your little nose is upturned, like my sister's. It’s the one feature I recognize from the scans. Your eyes are big and blue, the shape of mine and my fathers. It’s late by the time I'm helped into a wheelchair and moved to the ward, you in my arms. We study each other's faces, stare into each other's eyes. We're wheeled down to a ward that is almost deserted, and I have to let go of these midwives and the wonderful care and attention they've given me. We're on our own. I suddenly realise it was a big mistake not to ask someone to stay with me tonight. I imagine how distressing it must be to no longer hear my heartbeat as you lie alone in the world for the first time. You are never taken from my side, and I love being with you, but I miss you being inside me, almost a part of me. I miss my pregnant belly. I study you, awake and asleep, getting to know all the parts of your face and your body. I recognize the way you move, curl up, stretch out, from how you moved inside me. I look for the things that I recognize from me, and the things I don’t recognize, that must come from him. I have no colour in my face. Even my hands and arms have the pallor of a corpse. I'm not getting much stronger. The doctors don’t think I lost enough blood to be in the state I'm in, but decide to test me, and find that I have. They give me a blood transfusion and within hours I start to feel stronger. I haven’t decided on a name yet. I've got it down to three, and thought I'd know once you were born, but my head is so foggy that I'm just not sure! I try to ignore opinions and pressures and after the transfusion, I have clarity. Astrid. Your name is Astrid. It takes weeks to feel natural, but we settle into it. Astrid is definitely who you are. Not By Accident is made by me, Sophie Harper, supported by 152 generous donors through the Australian Cultural Fund. Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for allowing me to record, and for the practical and moral support. Please subscribe, rate and review to help the series find more listeners. Go to notbyaccident.net to sign up to my occasional email newsletter, tweet at me @byaccidentnot and if you know anyone who might like to listen, please share! Music by permission from the artist: Hooked by Versus Shade Collapse. Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License: Oxygen Garden by Chris Zabriskie; Sleepless Nights by Dexter Britain; Spellbound by Broke For Free. US listeners, support the series and eat well. Hello Fresh Has signed on to support me for 2017! Sign up at www.hellofresh.com and use the promo code 'noaccident35' to get $35 off your first delivery. Everybody wins! Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series or to get in touch.