Rethinking Porn Addiction - A Sexual Health Show

Now that we know the 6 Principles of Sexual Health, it's time to create our own Sexual Health Plan. Just like physical fitness, if we want to get healthy, it helps to develop a plan. The plan helps us move towards our goals, avoid damaging behaviors, and develop healthy habits. The plan typically involves some sort of support system. And our ability to succeed in following the plan means we need to have clarity around our values so that our plan is in alignment with them. Today we hope you leave with some clarity around what it looks like to develop your own Sexual Health Plan.

Do you want to eradicate shame, and rebuild trust? Do you want honesty and transparency to thrive in your relationship? Well, telling the truth (or not keeping secrets) is only ONE part of honesty. The other part is making sure you have created an environment where your partner feels safe to be honest. In order for true honesty to exist, you HAVE to have rules of engagement for your relationship. In times of conflict or high emotional reactivity, there need to be agreements in place, and a code of conduct that gets followed. Otherwise, you or your partner might say things you regret, or behave in a way that undermines the safety needed for honesty to take place. Today we're going to talk about what your rules of engagement could look like, and how to have that conversation. I hope you join us!

"I hate myself." "If anyone knew what I've done, they would be appalled." "I'm unworthy of love." These statements are fueled by sexual shame. The definition of sexual shame is: "... A visceral feeling of humiliation and disgust toward one's own body and identity as a sexual being, and a belief of being abnormal, inferior and unworthy." Brené Brown says shame needs 3 things to thrive: Secrecy, silence, and judgement. So, today we're going to talk about sexual shame. Specifically, we'll talk about where it comes from, how it impacts us, and hopefully we'll dive into what to do about it as individuals, and as couples.

Exploitation is when a person leverages their power and control to get what they want. Do you have an outcome or a goal in mind when you tune in to our show? Is your goal to stop (or get your partner to stop) looking at porn? Is your goal to convince yourself or your partner that porn is acceptable, and not a problem? When you approach these sexual health conversations with a specific goal in mind, it's easy to subtly exploit your partner to get the outcome you desire. To find people or experts who validate your perspectives... To use "helpful" resources as weapons to dismiss or undermine your partner's desires... To use threats of severing the relationship to get what you want... Exploitation undermines productive sexual health conversations at EVERY turn. So, this week we're going to talk about how we subtly exploit each other, and how that exploitation kills curiosity and empathy and gets in the way of us creating strong, nourishing, and connecting sexual health agreements with the people we love.

If it's not medically accurate to call pornography an addiction (as we've talked about in past conversations), what does it mean when you feel out-of-control? How do you draw the line between problematic behavior that's outside your value system... and sexual behavior that's out of control? Is there a point where you should start to feel worried? When should you seek out help? How do you know whether or not you're downplaying a problem... or overreacting to one? Let's talk about it!

Most of us grew up feeling like our worthiness, our virtue, and our ability to be loved hinged on whether or not we were obeying certain rules or keeping commandments. When you break a rule or disobey a commandment, it can leave an irremovable stain on your character. Principles, on the other hand, are "a fundamental truth or proposition that serves as the foundation for a system of belief or behavior or for a chain of reasoning." They should be at the root of the "rules" we live by. Last week, we introduced the Six Principles of Sexual Health: • Honesty • Shared Values • Consent • Pleasure • Protection from STI's and Unwanted Pregnancy • Non-Exploitation This week we are going to talk about how these principles fit into our morals, and rules. We'll explore how these principles can elevate the conversation beyond mere rule-following... How they can become a roadmap for breaking the chains of shame... Developing true connection with yourself and your partner... Talking to your children about sex and porn... And ultimately, developing sexual health.

Things I've heard people say in the last week: "I'm addicted to Oreos." "I'm addicted to my phone." "My sister is addicted to heroin." "I'm addicted to porn." In each of these conversations, the word "addiction" was used. But I'm pretty sure someone being addicted to Oreos is not the same as being addicted to heroin. In this conversation, we're going to talk to the mental and sexual health experts. What does "addiction" actually mean? When is "addiction" the right word to use in relation to porn? What other words could we be using? Why does it even matter what words we use? Let's talk about it!

This week we're going to revisit the "What is Porn" conversation from last week (since we got a little sidetracked) and talk to you about some interesting things that came up for us regarding boundaries last week. We're glad you're here, and we're excited to continue the conversation with you.

"Why can't I stop looking at pornography? I hate this about myself." "My wife just found out about my addiction, now she wants a divorce... what can I do?" "I caught him looking up porn again. I'm devastated. What does this mean for our marriage?" Unwanted pornography viewing is leaving countless couples and individuals feeling betrayed, alone, and deeply ashamed. "Why can't I stop looking? I feel out-of-control. Am I evil?" "Doesn't he love me? Am I not enough for him? Is he going to hurt our kids?" There are lots of questions... And few clear answers. "How do we move forward? Can we ever recover?" In our very first conversation, we're going to examine *why* unwanted, out-of-control pornography viewing causes us so much pain. Porn hurts... But we don't often stop to think why. Where does the pain come from? Why does it hurt so bad? If we want answers about how to navigate the porn problem, we have to be willing to ask some hard questions. Please invite people who you think would enjoy or benefit from this content.