Smarty Pants Lance

Lance talks about today's pop and country music and why it sucks. He opines it's a filtering issue. There's just no filter on what flushes down the internet stream. There used to be record companies and radio and TV programmers standing guard. Though, all of them must have been asleep at the switch with Disco Duck, Muskrat Love, et al. Et al. is a legal term - Google it!If anyone, and he means anyone, can record at home, and dump their cough, cough, "craft" onto the net there's no one to say, Hell no. Not on my watch or with my ears. I.e. no filterEnjoy a not in stereo semi-rant. Maybe, Lance needs a filter, too.

Lance talks about employment interviews. He begins by telling us about work he did as a kid and for which he didn't apply. This work is known as, "chores." With marketing know-how, Lance suggests a new name for chores: "Blessings." "Hey, son, I've a few blessings for you to give the family. You may start by cleaning the toilet." Moving in to job interviews- often these days via Zoom- he describes the process, beginning with recruiters. You might think military recruiters are slithery sorts. That is, until you're under world-wide attack from headhunters who saw your resume or Curriculum Vitae- if you're being fancy- you innocently posted on a job site. From overseas recruiters with unpronounceable names- that sound like hacking an spitting- to phony friendly, commission seeking, self servers, he's encountered them all. And then, there are the interviewers. There's plenty to say about them. Enjoy the episode. It won't be a chore.

Lance describes how his plans for not just a little, but a lot, of "somthin' somethin" turned into nothin' nothin over a four day weekend. There was always some darned excuse: too tired from the week, too bloated and gassy after that outrageously expensive dinner, drank too much, again, and the, "Let's just watch one more Hallmark movie and I'll be ready, which leads to watching yet another Hallmark Movie, and another, until coma. Lance learns the valuable lesson, real romance is free. If someone really wants you, you don't have to spend money or put on a costly production. True love and a little somethin' somethin' should be exactly like the ending of a Hallmark Movie. Right?

Lance discusses Christmas versus Hanukkah. At Sunday school he was told he must learn to think for himself. Except, when it came to religion, which is, as everyone knows, from "on high," and cannot be questioned. He tells us about the history of Hanukkah, the eight (8) day, "Festival of Lights," and how the Jews were, on the ushe, being killed, there religion cancelled, and temples destroyed. Talk about cancel culture.He then reveals why, even though he was raised Jewish, he connects much better with Christmas. There are beautiful trees, stockings hung on mantels, tasty treats, more artful stained glass, and tuney songs. Whereas, Hanukkah he got seemingly jipped, present wise, while enduring songs which are mostly intonations of hacking and spiting. Plus the food and treats no as good, and no pretty trees with twinkeling lights.. Though, he feels sorry for the trees. What did a nice, healthy, tree, minding its own business, ever do to deserve a chopping?Lance ponders what happened to the farcical lamp/menorah. Where is it? Was it accidently sold at a Roman swap meet? Did Judah, "The Hammer" Maccabee forget to scratch his name on it and "If found, please return to "The Hammer?" There's more of course. I'll leave that to your listening pleasure. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and a happy Festivus for the rest of us!

Lance talks about Uber-- Uber annoying people (person) he got stuck behind at a booth selling luxury cookies at a local street fair. He gets triggered by a woman holding others up at his favorite cookie stand by asking one stupid question after another. She wastes everybody's time and then she doesn't buy anything. Haven't we all all encountered these people from time to time?Serenity now-- and a cookie later!

Lance says no thanks to the family Thanksgiving get together. The travel, the expense, the lousy customer service, the no so "world-famous" dishes, the annoyingly secretive and braggadocious relatives are all not worth it He ponders why he should put up with all the preceding just to spend time with people he doesn't see or speak with all year long. Lance compares Turkey versus ham, versus Vegan, people. Vegans are automatically out. They'd be thankful to not have anyone enjoy animal products. Instead, how about a nice slice of highly processed disgusting Tofurkey. Turkey people are traditionalists who take pride in preparing a tasty bird. Ham people are lazy. They' rather stand in or on line to let someone else do the cooking and cut down on cleaning. Yams aren't usually yams. "Yam" is just a marketing gimmick. Cranberries are always good, but don't talk about how they help urinary tract infections at the table.Now, be grateful for, and enjoy, another fine episode, and don't be a turkey!

Smarty Pants Lance holds a stethoscope up to Medical Assistants ("MA"). Since they've no brains, he didn't expect a pulse. There are three kinds of medical assistants: dumb, dumber, and dumbest. Becoming , Lance gets the dumbest. Becoming a medical assistant is easy. It's perfect for those who want to qualify for something just by taking an online course.Lance rants. He describes medical assistants are 20-30 year-old women in the Los Angeles area who are stupid, lazy, and just plain, don't care. He says they've a collective intelligence below that of a wacky, waving, arm flailing, inflatable, tube-man. Even, DMV employees look down up on them. Lance describes a particular encounter at a doctor's office. The encounter includes a medical assistant taking his blood pressure, seeing it's completely normal- even low normal- and immediately asking him if he has high blood pressure. When asked about surgeries throughout his lifetime, Lance has some fun by telling the genius medical assistant his first surgery was a bris when he was six days old. It was performed by a Mohle in a relative's living room 1965. The MA cannot comprehend what Lance describes. Check out his detailed description of her questions and his answers.President Clinton chimes in at the end. He tells Lance, "I feel your pain!"

Smarty Pants Lance, inspired by the Foreigner song, "Feels Like The First Time," questions whether the first time the best time? Introduced by The Duke himself, John Wayne, Lance tells the tale of his first three times, or attempts which included, among other things, a Pith Helmut a la 1930's-40's jungle movies, a creaking bed, stubbed toes, not one, but two, count 'em, two condoms at the same time, parents on the other side of the wall. three white, toy poodles with anxiety disorders, a gay man's bed in a Roman style bedroom festooned with velvet paintings of leather clad, bare-chested men wearing sunglasses and a mirror on the ceiling, and later, having to wait a whole week due to "God's little gift."Is Lance full of swamp gas, or did he make it through a jungle of nerves to discover a long sought treasure?

Smarty Pants Lance talks about the comings, goings, and doings of weekends. Is it true that everybody's working for the weekend, as the 80's band, Loverboy proclaimed. Are weekends made for Michelob? Didn't weekends come into existence, first? If so, Michelob was made for weekends; not the other way around. What about weekend dates? I'm looking for my Friday, or Saturday, steady, as they said in the 50's to early 60's Do you desperately, "swipe right" on tinder or Bumble all week long, hoping for a weekend coffee date? And what does real Coca Cola in a glass bottle and made with cane sugar have to do with weekends?Going to see a weekend movie, such as "Titanic." Which happens to be the movie that made me skip all movies for a generation.Those topics and so much more as Smarty Pants Lance leaves the ol' 9-5 behind, and heads out for another, "wild" weekend.

Smarty Pants Lance talks about flakey people. They're not just on the Westcoast, anymore! Why are people so darn flakey? It's not a new phenomenon. In the past, Lance has befallen victim by flakes since his high school days. These days he has a no flake policy. If meeting or getting together, the person agreeing to meet, or get together, must confirm via text 24 hours in advance, or hell no, Lance won't go! If the person meeting Lance is 5 minutes late for any kind of meeting, even Zoom, and doesn't text that they're running late, and a legit reason, therefor, Lance says adios! No flake is Lance. Here's another Smart Pants Lance episode delivered on time and as promised!

Smarty Pants Lance delves into the old saw; "Actions speak louder than words." It's about those things people say, but don't really mean. Manipulations, game playing, misrepresentation to out-and-out-fraud, and niceties, too, such as , "Oh, my, what a cute baby! he/she/they/it are just soooo cute! Politicians are notorious for saying things that sound good but when pressed- sometimes by The Press-, don't really mean what they say or promise. So, what's not to like? Watch what people actually do, not the words they say and you'll have brighter, more predictable day!

Smarty Pants Lance talks about his experiences with penny-pinching, cheap bastards. Including: a tight-as-a-tick, cheapskate, landlady who was always trying to save a buck, including the time she baked rolls of toilet paper in the oven to dry them because they got wet due to a leak underneath the sink, and buying "swap meet" cottage cheese, and all those other, coupon clipping, penny-pinching, misers. Save the time to listen to Smarty Pants Lance as he supplies comedy commentary. As always, it's free of charge!

Smarty Lance has a BMW for Sale. It has a broken sunroof which must never, ever, ever, ever, be opened. A succession of flakey and highly annoying perspective buyers come and go, then, The Law of Attraction, abracadabra's the right buyer, at the right time. Despite Lance's clear warning, she searches out a mechanic brave enough to attempt to repair the never-to-be-opened-sunroof. Unexpected romance, ensues. Later, Lance thinks about selling, in general, including garage sales, tag sales, swap meets, flea markets, and an age-old disagreement with his landlady about Swap Meet Cottage Cheese. Let's all crank open the Sunroof to laughter!