The Otis Advisory

What would be different right now if Kamala had won? Lower your expectations for a second and use your imagination. Try to imagine President Kamala, a free-lance thinker with no active ingredients, having control of your wallet, your thermostat, your kids, and your menu. Kamala likes keeping fear alive and watching the denutification of America. If the lady in the pant suit had won, you’d be speaking Iranian by now. Gone would be the funny speeches and press conferences we get now. As you sit there comfortably numb with your pronouns all pinned to your shirt, ask yourself how much government fraud you think we’d have found by now if Kamala was in charge? Oh the larceny! She’s still mad because Clarence Thomas wouldn’t date her. Then there’s the big one, the open door down south. That lovely Southern border would still be open. Why? Because Kamala knows she gets a mail-in ballot out of every new smiling face that hops the fence. While you stay home writing checks to the IRS. Fooled again! Hear podcast ~ Wash hands.

Why is it that some still need to take their shoes off on an airplane ride? It’s just wrong. Still or sparkling, that’s gotta hurt. The guy next to you will never order another chicken fried steak again after seeing your airplane feet all fileted out in the walkway. It’s just too triggering! Looking at those hooves you walk around on, all laid out in the middle of the aisle like that, could give anybody bone loss. Nothing else can survive once you see airplane feet with the toenails shaped like Greenland. So stop it! And if you take ‘em out and start picking at everything you’ll need emergency nose and glasses just to sneak off the plane in one piece. But wait, there are exemptions to the no airplane feet rule. If your are scheduled to compete in the next Miss Vacant Lot pageant, you’re good. Otherwise, if you still have a need to show off your airplane feet in flight, don’t be too surprised if some hex nut puts a spell on you. It could happen. Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Today we’re bringing in the Count of Monty Crypto to help explain the US economy in a way even Jasmine can understand it. Step one, if you want to save big money, don’t buy anything. Next: Hide your stuff! Go out in the backyard, dig a hole and put your stuff down there, then cover it up. If the Zohan people can’t find it, they can’t tax it or give it to the aliens. Then, don’t buy anything that says DISPOSABLE. What’s the point? Let somebody else buy it and when they throw it away you go back around and pick it up for nothing. This is so easy. Let’s say you want some Crypto Currency. You don’t know why but everybody’s doing it and you don’t want to miss out. Well, BaitCoin is a whole lot cheaper than BitCoin, and you can do more with it. BaitCoin is locally sourced, the correct people will cheer for that, like local honey, they get all worked up over that too. Gives them the same warm, welcoming embrace as socialism. Like the gooey cheese in the Mondami mouse trap. “Come on in, have some promotional cheese. We’ll just take it from the people on the hill. They’ve got too much cheese.” Who let this happen? Next, you’ll be making your own clothes. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

At night when Jasmine Crockett lies there waiting for the sandman to come take her away, she likes to dream of how important she’s gonna feel once we make her a US Senator from Texas. Commander Otis here - back on Crockett Watch where we’ve brought in Oppo the research loving clown to find out what makes Ms. Crockett so entertaining. What is it Oppo? Why so sad? Awwww, is it because Jasmine’s spirit animal is an oyster? Jasmine’s going to need an edge to win in Texas and that’s where the mail in ballots come in. Oh the larceny! Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

APOLOGY REQUEST FORM Here at the Discount Think Tank and Bait Camp, we can sometimes hit a little too close to the bone. And that’s when the lawyers make us apologize. With so many wanting an apology from your Uncle Otis, we’re starting to fall behind. If I need to be sorrier faster, and get you back a personalized Certificate of Apology for all this stuff, you’re gonna have to use the Apology Request Form. Just contact this station and tell them to send you an official Uncle Otis Apology Request form and we’ll see what we can do. Just let me know who was offended: was it you, your wife, wife’s sister or other, along with what you think we said (or just meant) that was so bad. We’ve heard it all before, so go take your shot! Now you know what to do! Order your CERTIFICATE OF APOLOGY from your Uncle Otis and I’ll see you at the peace March. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Let’s say you’re a victim of wife supremacy and you’ve just accidentally stumbled into a child infested area. Suddenly, someone suggests that you change baby’s diaper. Well first you need to know that the correct people have new rules for you to follow. That’s right, before you go floundering around in all that you’re gonna need to ask the little guy for permission first – just to be sure dry pants would be OK with him. Goes like this: “Hey Lil Padna, I see you’ve got a preexisting condition down south. I’m here to take care of that for you, but first we need to be sure your wet-pants rights aren’t violated. I noticed you’re going commando today so, if it’s OK with you, and let’s just say it is, we’re gonna switch out of those underpants to some that haven’t been peed yet. You’ll thank me later!” Just one of a whole snootful of big ideas waiting for you right here in the New America. Otis reports. Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

Let’s say you’re in the Army and the husky-sized pants is all you can fit into. Well, Mr. Huskey size, you may be looking for another line of work after the new war on chunky soldiers. There's even an end to whiskers and beards - back to high and tight for army men, including the girls! No more bearded 260 pounders trying to climb the rope over the little training pond. You won’t be able to hide anymore by lining up behind Beefy Sue. She doesn’t work here anymore either. And if you’re determined to wear your new dress with the hoop earrings and pearls to your next battlefield event, think again cupcake. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Hope you didn’t throw away the box your Mr. Potato Head came in. He’s going to be worth something once we wake up from this trash compactor we’ve been living in! Remember how Mr. Potato Head had a little trap door in his behind where you’d keep all his parts. You could give him a pipe and a newspaper or even have him holding a little fan belt like he just came back from the auto parts store. Then there was Mrs. Potato Head – she had a little handbag and a hat with a flower on it, and even a little mallet she used to pop Mr. Potato Head guy when he got out of line. They were inseparable, even did some movies together. But now, cancelled, as mom and pop Potato Head have had to become pan-sexual so the correct people could feel less guilty. I sure hope it works because cancelling biology is hard. Takes big stones, or brass ovaries or something to be that impressed with yourself! We’re beginning to see a quickening as we inch closer to the singularity – the morphing of all into one. Think of it like E-Pluribus Backwards, a personal transformation from freedom into an odorless, colorless, comfortably numb and compliant, gender-neutral cell mass with a bad logo. That’s critical Otis Theory, Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

Must be hot wearing that wool sock hat in ninety degrees. We don’t see much of the Seattle look here at the bait camp, especially in August. A sock hat in summer is cute and all but is WOKE really worth it to find purpose in an otherwise unremarkable life? There you are, hanging like a lose tooth, packing all your animal magnetism under a cozy wool knit hat before heading out to your Hate America First rally in beautiful downtown Baltimore. Off you go then with your pronouns pinned to your shirt and reciting all one hundred different genders. You’re doing everything right: you never chew on pencils, you always take the bus, you sleep with green noise, go to the whole foods for the white noise, dress up funny for pink noise and wake each day to brown noise when the blowers go off at seven a.m. So what’s with the fashion forward sock hat in August? Maybe try this: skip the riot next time and just go out with a girl. Take her to roller derby or something. You’ll thank me later. And try not to wear your pajamas this time. Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

Jasmine really likes riding in her Escalade. “Either ride me in an Escalade or I’m staying home.” The staff had their orders so Escalade it is, with the extra base boost for that Crown Royal authenticity! “Now I need to go to lunch, and I don’t mean Cracker Barrell.” Yes Mama! “I’ll go in somewhere civilized and pick out some bacon cheesecake. You stand outside the car like you’re waiting for somebody important.” But the staff had an enthusiasm gap building, and when they saw Ms. Crockett using her fingernail as a guacamole scoop they decided to narc on her. So somebody’s about to be de-clawed and probably have their mouth washed out with soap. You know how a glass blower knows not to inhale! Well Ms. Crockett, this is one of those times! Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Say hello to Zohan the Conqueror, the latest fanboy of the lunatic fringe, now running for mayor of New York City. It’s obvious, Zohan only has a beatnik-level view of what makes the world work, but he’s still planning to run this con on YOU and the coalition of the unhappy next election day. He’s the shiny new locomotive pulling the Hate America First Train into Bankruptcy Station. Zohan the Conqueror (as his mamma calls him) is on board for anyone who’s lost their appetite for work. “Chicks dig me because I burn tires,” said the Zohan. And in a Mandami state-run grocery store, cotton candy is produce! It's a miracle. He's like artificial sweetener, the more you read what’s in it, the less of it you want. Somebody pump the breaks on this mess before New York boils over for good. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

There’s a prize waiting for anyone who can finish their Bunker Buster with Cheese and keep it down for 8 seconds - just like the rodeo. The Bunker Buster comes tail up to go down easy at forty-five degrees. And when it hits bottom you'll know it, so have s quick exit planned if things get messy. Wait, what’s that? The Bunker Buster comes with an automatic second helping, built right in. Now what can you do to get ready for your next Bunker Buster? First, get out of the way! Call in sick. Take some ME time. Remember the Bunker Buster feeds everybody in the room all at once - no separate checks. We know that OZZY is the Ayatollah of Rock n Rolla, and he is selling his DNA for $4.50 a can. Being liquified is big business! Just sayin'. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands