The Secure Love Podcast with Julie Menanno

The feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop is universal. When your nervous system is deeply accustomed to chaos, peace can actually feel scary and alarming because it brings up fears of losing what feels so good. As we near the end of our time with Rachel and Mike, they are finally finding real stability. Mike has been stepping up in wonderfully subtle ways, intentionally checking in during a "midweek lull" with a small hand gesture that gave Rachel an immense sense of safety and lightness. However, because they haven't had a major rupture in a while, Rachel is starting to panic. She admits that it is entirely foreign to her not to be sliding into a negative cycle, and she has no idea how to sit and enjoy the goodness. Today, we navigate that new quiet space. We also use their hard-earned stability to unpack one of the heaviest unspoken resentments in their marriage: the fact that Rachel left everything she knew to move into Mike's world, and how painfully alone she has felt in that sacrifice. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Sign up for Julie's Bi-Weekly Relationship Group: The Secure Love Club Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

We can do all the heavy lifting in therapy, but sometimes life just throws too much at us at once. Between the holidays, chaotic work schedules, and general exhaustion, Rachel and Mike recently hit a wall, slipping off the tracks into a tough two-week period of disconnection. When catching up on the setback, Rachel shares a powerful analogy: normally, if she jumps off the dock, she needs Mike to stay on the dock and pull her back up—but this time, they were both so depleted that Mike jumped off the other side, leaving them both swimming with nobody to pull them to safety. For Rachel, this brought up a painful, ancient narrative. Instead of just seeing two stressed partners, her nervous system told her she was defective. In this session, we reframe what it means to be guarded. For so long, Rachel viewed her emotional wall as a massive block of ice she needed to hack down. Today, we explore why the only real way to remove an ice wall is to slowly warm up the environment until it dissolves on its own. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Sign up for our Understanding Shame Course: Understanding Shame – The Missing Link to Breaking Negative Cycles Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

Today, we see what happens when Mike's loyalty to his family leaves Rachel feeling like she is "last on the list". When Rachel feels unprotected, she tries to handle her pain with logic, presenting evidence and hoping Mike will rationally agree with her. But as we discuss today, logic alone does not heal an attachment wound. Meanwhile, we finally uncover why Mike feels so compelled to manage everyone's comfort, tracing his habit of "going with the flow" straight back to his childhood. Witness what happens when Mike drops his defenses to validate Rachel's pain, and she asks for the one thing her nervous system needs to truly trust him again. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Join Julie's 4-Week Parenting Group Workshop: Parenting With Security Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

When your partner is hurting, what is your immediate instinct? For most of us, it's to grab a toolbox. We want to solve the problem, clear up the misunderstanding, or offer the perfectly logical explanation that will make the pain go away. But what if the urge to fix the problem is actually just a disguised attempt to escape our own discomfort? If you've been listening this season, you know Mike usually defaults to logic and defense mechanisms when things get tense. Today, we look directly at what happens in the split-second after a trigger. Mike admits that his absolute first instinct when Rachel is upset is to justify and explain, noting that if he can do so successfully, he can stay out of the agonizing feeling of being a failure. By helping Mike slow down and sit in the physical tension of that fear, he is finally able to tell Rachel the truth: he isn't pushing her away; he is pushing away the pain he doesn't want to face. It's an honest look at how our protections often create the exact disconnection we are trying to avoid, and Rachel finds a lot of relief in finally hearing his authentic self. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Negative Cycle Workshop: Mapping Your Negative Cycle Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

Think about a time you caught your partner withholding the truth. If you've been there, you know the actual lie is only half the battle; the other half is the agonizing feeling of thinking you might be going crazy. Today, we tackle one of the most difficult hurdles in any relationship: broken trust. Recently, Rachel's intuition flared up over a situation, and she pressed Mike for the truth, which he withheld. We map out the exact anatomy of this lie, discovering that Mike isn't a malicious deceiver, but a terrified partner who uses omission as the ultimate escape hatch when his fear of failing Rachel becomes unbearable. Witness the powerful shift when Mike finally takes accountability, and Rachel is hit with a flood of relief as she realizes she wasn't crazy to trust her own gut. As always, we want to hear from you. Send your questions, your breakthroughs, or a voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com, and please leave us a five-star rating on Spotify or Apple! Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

Think about a time you brought a really important concern to your partner, only to feel completely dismissed. When that happens over and over, you eventually stop bringing things up—not because the problem is solved, but because the pain of being unheard is just too heavy to keep risking. That is exactly where we find Rachel today. Recently, Rachel's daughter came to her feeling like some recent situations involving their step-parent dynamic just hadn't been fair. Hearing her daughter's frustration sparked something in Rachel. It made her realize that she had been noticing those exact same unfair dynamics, but she had been keeping quiet because the last time she tried to voice her concerns, she felt completely dismissed. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we don't stay in the logistics of the fight. The specific details of the story don't actually matter, because conflict is always going to circle back to someone's attachment need going unmet. For Rachel, this private incident triggered a massive, ancient wound: the agonizing pain of feeling dismissed. And for Mike? Watching Rachel slip into that pain didn't just make him uncomfortable; it activated a terrifying catastrophization in his brain. His nervous system convinced him that he was going to fail her, the marriage would end, and he would be thrust back into the profound loneliness he experienced during his years as a single man. Today, you are going to hear what happens when we slow down the nervous system's automatic defenses and finally give these hidden fears a voice. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

Have you ever fought so hard for a connection that one day, you simply run out of energy? You stop yelling. You stop protesting. You just… go quiet. That is exactly where we find Rachel today. Exhausted from years of feeling emotionally dropped, Rachel's nervous system is so overloaded that she has shifted from anxious pursuit into complete emotional numbing. She is grappling with a dark, heavy belief that she is fundamentally 'too much' to be loved. In this episode, we gently unpack that heavy suitcase of grief. We trace Rachel's fear of rejection all the way back to her childhood, to a little girl who was teased and left entirely alone to manage her pain. We explore what happens when we use "distractions"—focusing on the thousands of little problems we have to solve throughout the day—as a way to control the dark, horrible place of feelings inside of us. You will hear how those early experiences of emotional abandonment built the invisible walls Rachel is hiding behind right now, and what happens when we finally slow down to ask the body: What is your fear fearing? What does your fear need? Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

If you listened to our previous episode, you know Rachel and Mike ended their first session with a beautiful breakthrough. But in the real world of relationships, progress is rarely linear. In this episode, we drop into the next session to find Rachel fighting a powerful urge to detach. Exhausted from years of feeling emotionally dropped despite providing him with a "roadmap" to her heart, her nervous system is sending her a painful, familiar message: she is fundamentally flawed, and her emotional needs are just "too much" for him. On the other side of the couch, Mike is equally exhausted. He desperately wants to comfort Rachel but hits an absolute wall when faced with her deep sadness. To understand why, we trace Mike's emotional avoidance all the way back to its roots—uncovering a painful history of childhood bullying and a family culture where heavy emotions were minimized with baked goods and phrases like "don't sweat the small stuff." Together, we discover that Mike isn't being intentionally dismissive of his wife's pain; he is simply using the only emotional survival strategy he was ever taught. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

We are kicking off Season 3 with a brand new couple, Rachel and Mike. Unlike previous seasons, we are using an intensive therapy model, diving deep into their dynamic over a compressed timeframe. On paper, Rachel and Mike are a committed power couple running a successful business. But underneath, they are stuck in a painful anxious-avoidant cycle. Rachel has shifted from protesting for connection to silently shutting down to protect herself , while Mike, our avoidant partner, is emotionally completely alone, trying to "fix" her pain from the safety of his head. In this episode, we use the TEMPO model (Trigger, Emotion, Meaning, Protection, Organization) to unpack a recent conflict about family boundaries. We watch the cycle take over, and then pivot away from the surface fight down into the deep, unresolved grief and abandonment driving Rachel's fear. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

Following the season finale, we gathered for a special live Q&A to process this journey together. With the couple absent, Julie takes the floor to answer direct questions from the audience about the season's difficult ending, diving deeper into the dynamics of shame, regression, and the hard truth that healing isn't always linear. We want to extend a brief but heartfelt thank you to Bethany and Brian for their courage in sharing their story with us. Their vulnerability has provided invaluable lessons for us all. Finally, a massive thank you to you, our listeners, for following along this season. Thank you for holding space for this process, for your curiosity, and for your commitment to understanding the complexities of relationships. Send your questions or comments for future episodes via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com and stay tuned for Season 3!

We begin in a difficult place, with Brian feeling targeted and defensive, and still strugging to see his role in the negative cycle. Julie confronts this directly, pushing for ownership to uncover the shame underneath . This leads to a crucial realization: Brian's "overwhelm" during their hardest years wasn't just bad luck, but partially self-inflicted by a desperate need to over-perform and avoid feeling "less than" The session pivots from intellectualizing to a "tender moment" of profound accountability . Brian offers a genuine apology for abandoning Bethany during her miscarriage and their financial crisis, admitting that his drive to prove his worth came at the cost of the connection he wanted most This week's prompt: Look at where you are over-functioning in your life. Are you "too busy" or "working too hard"? Ask yourself: What feeling are you trying to outrun—are you avoiding feeling ordinary, adequate, or "less than"? And what is that pursuit costing your relationship right now? . Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com . Your submission might be featured on a future episode. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

We continue to ride a wave of progress this week. Bethany and Brian report zero negative cycles, and Bethany steps up during a family crisis, healing the wound of Brian's daughter feeling "dropped". We then pivot to the deeper wounds driving Brian's intense perfectionism. A seemingly small conflict about mulch reveals his childhood history of feeling "less than" his peers, driving him to hold himself and Bethany to unrealistic standards to avoid ever feeling that inadequacy again . The core of this session challenges Brian's belief—learned from a stoic grandfather and a volatile mother—that vulnerability is a "weakness" . When he risks sharing his fear of being "less than," Bethany doesn't reject him; she connects, telling him it triggers her desire to help . The somatic shift is profound: Brian describes feeling "liberated" and finally having "full breathable lungs" . This week's prompt: Think about a part of yourself that you hide because you label it a "weakness"—is it your anxiety, your need for reassurance, or a feeling of not being good enough? What would happen if you shared that part with your partner, not as a complaint, but as a confession? Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured on a future episode. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

We are finally seeing genuine momentum. This week, Bethany and Brian report being in a "good space," having successfully navigated a conflict without spiraling into a negative cycle for the first time in weeks. You'll hear how Bethany paused to articulate her intent, allowing Brian to truly hear her rather than react. This session focuses on solidifying that win through somatic work—helping Brian's nervous system physically "install" the feeling of peace . We also revisit Bethany's "badass" comment to uncover the deep shame she has carried regarding her financial infidelity. She admits that feeling "flawed" led her to hide her true self . The breakthrough comes when her vulnerability is met not with anger, but with validation, proving they are finally building a positive cycle. This week's prompt: Recall a recent moment where you felt truly heard or understood by your partner. Close your eyes, bring that memory to mind, and notice: what physically happens in your body? Does your chest loosen? Does your breath deepen? Practice feeling that safety. Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured on a future episode. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Register for Repairing After a Negative Cycle Workshop (Dec 11th): Click to Register Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime