Unapologetic Parenting

Welcome back to Unapologetic Parenting, the podcast where we take an unfiltered look at high-conflict co-parenting, narcissistic dynamics, blended families, and the realities of family court—without sugarcoating, and without pretending these problems resolve themselves. In this episode, Carl Knickerbocker tackles a fascinating and often dangerous phenomenon that shows up again and again in high-conflict cases: the complete inability of highly narcissistic, disordered parents to recognize how ...

We hear mixed messages about leaving relationships all the time. If only you were stronger, you would have left sooner. If only you were stronger, you would have stayed longer and tried harder. Weak people focus on themselves too much...and weak people don't focus on themselves and their needs enough. Such messages are unhelpful and often get us nowhere except bogged down in shame and self-doubt. The better path is to focus on what's ahead and to pour our energy into movin...

Court-ordered coparenting is pretty much doomed to fail when one of the parents is highly narcissistic. When the courts take a one-size-fits-all approach to coparenting expectations and standards, they end up creating a sure-to-fail situation where everyone involved loses. That is, everyone except those who directly profit from the increased conflict, legal expenses, and court-ordered therapy work that is generated by trying to force those who are incapable of collaborative parent...

When we deal with high-conflict and disordered coparents, it is vitally important to document certain things and collect data. In this episode, I discuss the importance of tracking data to establish patterns for the purpose of not only clarifying those patterns, but to be able to use those patterns as permission to forgive yourself and believe in your own sanity.

We begin with the principle (the fact) that the narcissist's words and actions are caused by their disorder...not by you. Their words and actions are disordered, not personal. From there, we focus our attention on the things we love and the things we are creating. We avoid mantras and affirmations that refer back to the narcissist because such affirmation work to produce more of the same. Instead, we direct ourselves to the things we love about ourselves, our kids, our home, our ...

Narcissists seek attention, plain and simple. They thrive off of baiting others into conflict and needless interactions. The same generally goes for Borderlines and other various disordered exes. When baiting is an issue (i.e. the narcissist acts out in one of their many attention-seeking ways), the best antidote is to remain deeply focused on your own vision of what you are working to create in your life. The narcissist seeks to divert your attention away from you own life...

Can we get the court to see the Narcissistic coparent for who they truly are? Most likely not, especially since the Family Court System is 1) not equipped to handle mental health matters 2) is predominantly trauma-uninformed and 3) financially incentivized to not see such things clearly. That said, there are still powerful strategies for protecting yourself if you end up back in the court system.

We are generally well aware of what overt narcissists look like, but narcissism can manifest in different ways, including the covert or vulnerable narcissist. This episode touches on the traits of the covert narcissist, and then discusses what to do when it becomes clear that you are dealing with this type of narcissistic person.

If you haven't discovered it already, many people seem to have a near limitless capacity to make stuff up and lie, especially in the divorce and coparenting context. This episode digs into these behavioral patterns and discusses strategies to protect yourself for the crazy when it comes. And it will come. We should never under-estimate an ex's capacity to completely fabricate conversations and events, especially when any Cluster B personality disorder traits are involved. D...

For those of us who have gone through the divorce process, we often figure out fairly quickly that there are more adversaries than just the ex. We are up against the ex as well as their divorce lawyer, who has a vested interest in stirring up as much conflict as possible. We often have our own divorce lawyer who is aligned with us on one hand but against us on another. Many people end up misused, exploited, and dropped by their own lawyers. Then add to the mix the court sys...

Narcissistic parents often work to create situations where you are forced to choose between two unsavory choices. They don't want you to have you time. They don't want you to have a good time. So they create situations that feed them attention while simulteneously diminishing your experience with the kids. And when you choose to take the higher path that actually serves the kids...they use that against you, too. . . #coparenting #coparentingdoneright #coparentingwithanarcissist #coparenting...

When we apply Murphy’s Law to a narcissistic ex, we find that anything they can possibly jack with they will jack with. If there is a situation that they can make more difficult in order to gain attention, then they will. If there is an obvious decision that they can draw out and complicate, then they will to get their fix. We see this constantly. One time the narcissistic ex wants one thing when it is clearly inconvenient and impossible and then when the same thing is offered to them at a w...