The Reality Between Us

How well we know ourselves affects how we show up in every relationship we’re in. Our moods, patterns, needs, expectations, capacity, and the things we haven’t worked through all come into our relationships with us. When we don’t understand those things about ourselves, we may not recognize what we’re bringing into our relationships or how it’s affecting the people around us.In this episode, we explore:Why the relationship we have with ourselves matters in the relationships we have with other people.How little we may consider ourselves when making major relational decisions.What happens when we don’t recognize our own moods, reactions, and patterns.Why changing the person or environment doesn’t necessarily change a pattern we’re carrying with us.What it means to ask other people for things we may not know how to offer them or ourselves.Episode Thoughts to Sit With“How are we being in relationship with others when we’re ignoring the relationship with self?” “How can you sit with somebody else’s thoughts if you’re terrified to sit with your own thoughts?” “Getting to know ourselves, observing ourselves, being honest about what we do or what the patterns in our lives are or how we maneuver is critical for, one, us to have the life we say we want, and then, two, to be a person in relationship that is healthy with others.”“There’s so many people out here who say they want things from their parents, they want things from a partner, they want things from other people that they themselves have no ability to offer. The audacity. Why should you expect somebody to offer something to you that you can’t offer to them? Or even, how about, can you offer it to yourself?” tIf this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it.Join me over on Substack at The Better Question for more of what I’m thinking about and exploring. https://ajarutledge.substack.com/To get in touch about the show: [email protected] you for listening to The Reality Between Us.

Shame can be shaping our lives without us even realizing it’s there. Unlike feelings we can easily recognize, shame can sit underneath our reactions, our beliefs about ourselves, and the way we interpret what is happening around us.It can turn a mistake into evidence that something is wrong with us. It can change what we hear when someone brings a problem to us. And it can influence our relationships, the things we allow ourselves to receive, and even the things we say we want.In this episode, we explore:Why shame can be difficult to recognize even when it is having a significant impact on our lives.How shame can become connected to other emotions and experiences.How shame can influence self-sabotage and the things we believe we deserve.Why shame can change how we hear and respond to other people in our relationships.How self-compassion and questioning our own perceptions can begin to interrupt shame.Episode Thoughts to Sit With“Shame is like one of those emotions that you really don’t know it’s coming into play. You really don’t understand the impact that it’s having on you.”“Shame is what creates this perception of all-encompassing versus this one little issue that somebody addressed.”“When you can question what you perceive reality to be, to quote-unquote fact check your reality, you can see if what you’re perceiving is adding up to.”“Shame can direct your whole life.”Resources / Further ReadingHealing the Shame That Binds You by John BradshawEmbracing Shame: How to Stop Resisting Shame and Turn It into a Powerful Ally by Bret Lyon & Sheila RubinCenter for Healing Shame founded by Bret Lyon & Sheila RubinIf this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it.Join me over on Substack at The Better Question for more of what I’m thinking about and exploring: The Better QuestionTo get in touch about the show: [email protected] you for listening to The Reality Between Us.

Attachment styles have become part of how we talk about relationships. We hear about anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, secure attachment, and often use those labels to explain why someone behaves the way they do.But attachment is more complicated than a label or what happened between us and one primary caregiver. Our nervous systems learn how to find safety within much larger environments, and those adaptations can continue operating beneath our awareness, shaping not only how we move through relationships but what happens between us and the people we're in them with.In this episode, we explore:What attachment styles are and how they operate at a nervous-system level.How our environments, experiences, social conditioning, and other influences can shape the way we learn to attach.How different attachment styles develop around what our nervous systems have learned about safety and connection.Why behaviors that look similar on the surface can come from very different places underneath.How different attachment patterns can interact with one another and create relational cycles that are difficult to recognize when we don't know what's happening.Episode Thoughts to Sit With“It's also about how the child receives it and what your nervous system learns is the easiest, fastest way to get to what feels safe for you. That doesn't mean that's what is safe. That is not the same thing as what, in a securely attached person, would deem as safe. It's saying what is safe for you.”“There’s this really false binary narrative out there that says if your primary caregiver was horrible and critical and this and that, then you have this attachment style. And it’s not that simple. It’s not that black and white.”“Many times what is happening is it's a cycle that something in their attachment style triggers something in your attachment style, which makes you escalate, which then makes them escalate to pulling back, and now it's this whole big thing where we just keep escalating. So it's playing off of each other.”Resources / Further ReadingI don't usually include resources with episodes, but these are a few of the books that have informed some of the connections I'm making here. They explore different pieces of how our early experiences, environments, nervous systems, culture, shame, and other influences can shape us. They aren't necessarily talking about attachment in the same way I'm connecting these ideas here, but they offer more context for some of what I'm drawing from in this conversation.Decolonizing Therapy by Jennifer Mullan, PsyDThe Orchid and the Dandelion by W. Thomas Boyce, MDHealing the Shame That Binds You by John BradshawIf this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it.To connect, ask a question, or share your thoughts, email: [email protected] you for listening to The Reality Between Us.

Hope is usually seen as a good thing. It keeps us going. It gives us something to believe in. But sometimes hope can also keep us in situations when everything happening right now is telling us something different.Sometimes we see people's behavior clearly and still hold onto who we know they could be. We explain things away, focus on the good moments, and keep hoping that eventually those moments will become the norm. But at some point, we have to be willing to look at the actual data.In this episode, we explore:Why some of us struggle to believe people's behavior over their potential.What happens when hope starts overriding the actual data in a relationship.The difference between someone's potential and their willingness to actually live up to it.How familiar relationship dynamics can keep us from seeing what's actually happening.Why radical acceptance can help us make decisions based on what is happening now, not what we hope will happen.How ignoring or filtering out information keeps us from making truly informed decisions about our relationships.Episode Thoughts to Sit With"Hope can become dangerous because hope will keep you there when there's no evidence telling you that you should be staying there.""Some people might have potential, but that doesn't mean they want to exercise the ability to get there.""Your toxic hope overrides the data that's telling you whether they want to do that work or not.""Sometimes the behaviors or the data tells us a story we really don't want to see. Sometimes it tells us a story that's really hard to sit with but that doesn't mean that it's not happening anyway."If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it.To connect, ask a question, or share your thoughts, email: [email protected] you for listening to The Reality Between Us.

Validation and agreement are not the same thing.Somewhere along the way, many of us learned that if we acknowledge another person's experience, we're saying they're right. But what if validation simply means making room for their reality without abandoning your own?In this episode, we explore:Why validation and agreement are not the same thing.Why validation is often the first step toward repair.What gets in the way of validating another person's experience.Why conflict continues when both people are only fighting to be understood.How making room for another person's reality doesn't require abandoning your own.Why repair requires both people to feel heard and received.The role validation plays both inside and outside of conflict.Why some people seem to experience validation as something threatening.The questions to ask yourself when validation feels difficult.How slowing down creates space for different responses in moments of conflict.Episode Thoughts to Sit With"Validation absolutely does not mean I agree with what you're saying. But it does mean I hear you. I get that's where you are.""I do think people are protecting something...and it's getting in the way of mutual relationship and being able to repair and move forward.""The way forward is through repair.""Challenge yourself to see the situation from the other person's experience, not through your lens, because those are not the same things."

People often ask whether someone is the right person for them. But we don't spend nearly enough time asking whether that person has the capacity to meet us where we are.In this episode, we explore why understanding another person's relationship with themselves tells us more about the relationship that's possible than what they say they want. We look at how to recognize emotional capacity, why people can't meet us in places they can't meet themselves, and why accepting where someone actually is can be one of the kindest things we do, for them and for ourselves.We explore:Why the depth of a relationship is shaped by each person's relationship with themselves.What it means to assess someone's capacity instead of judging them.How to recognize when someone can, or can't, meet you where you are.Why emotional intimacy begins with intimacy with yourself.The difference between accepting where someone is and trying to change them.Why forcing people beyond their capacity creates suffering for both people.How self-awareness helps us communicate honestly about what we can and cannot give.Why understanding another person's capacity helps us build healthier relationships.How compassion and discernment can exist at the same time.Episode Thoughts to Sit With"We need to understand where other people are so we can understand what type of dynamic we can have with them, so that we're not beating our own heads up against the wall. So we're not trying to create something that's not creatable.""It's important to know where you are with that because it is also unkind for somebody else to be looking for depth from you. And if you can't give it, it's unkind for you to act like you can... We have to have the self-awareness to assess where we are, assess what our capabilities are, and be honest.""It is unkind of us to expect someone to be able to meet us in a place where they can't meet themselves.""Sometimes in relationships, no one is to blame. People are just where they are.""It's kinder to say, 'I see where you are. This is where I am. These places just don't align at this time in our lives.' I respect that, and I hope you can respect that too."If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it.To connect, ask a question, or share your thoughts, email: [email protected] you for listening to The Reality Between Us.

People tend to think that if their intentions were good then that should settle it. But relationships don't happen inside intentions. They happen in the impact we have on each other.In this episode, we explore why intent and impact aren't competing ideas; they're two sides of the same coin. We look at why good intentions don't always lead to good outcomes, how trauma and survival mode shape what we give and receive, and why repair starts with being willing to hear another person's experience, even when it isn't what we hoped to hear.We explore:Why intent and impact are two sides of the same coin.Why good intentions don't automatically create a healthy impact.How trauma and survival mode shape the way we interpret other people's actions.Why another person's experience deserves to be heard, even when it wasn't our intention.How defensiveness gets in the way of repair.Why repair is the foundation of healthy relationships, not the absence of conflict.The role emotional safety plays in difficult conversations.Why both people have work to do when intent and impact don't align.What it takes to move forward without dismissing either person's experience.Episode Thoughts to Sit With"Intent and impact are not two opposing things. They're two sides of the same coin.""You’ve got to be able to listen to the impact you had on others, even if it doesn't feel good.""Everybody wants their experience heard.""When we are in a place where we can't even hear each person's truth about the situation…about how something affected us…we never allow the door to open for repair. We shut the door for repair. And that is the beginning of the deterioration of relationships.""Even when you heal, it's not that it's not there, it's that it's quieter.""We gotta care about the other person's experience as much as we care about our own experience."If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it.To connect, ask a question, or share your thoughts, email: [email protected] you for listening to The Reality Between Us.

Before we talk about relationships with other people, we have to understand the relationship we're having with ourselves.In this opening episode, I share the experiences that shaped the perspective behind this podcast and why I believe healing isn't just about understanding trauma...it's about rebuilding the relationship with yourself. We explore self-compassion, self-trust, boundaries, over-functioning, and the role they play in every relationship we'll discuss moving forward.We explore:Why the relationship with yourself is the foundation of every other relationship.How trauma shapes the way we engage in relationships long after the original experiences.Why healing is a relationship of getting back to yourself.The role of self-compassion in changing how we see ourselves and our experiences.Why the voice in our head isn't always our own.How beliefs are created to help us survive.What over-functioning looks like in relationships.Why doing "more" isn't always the answer.The perspective that will guide every conversation on this podcast.Episode Thoughts to Sit WithThe following are direct excerpts from this episode."The primary relationship is with yourself.""One thing that people really don't talk about around trauma is how it is a relationship of getting back to you...""If you're only doing your part and nothing goes forward, that's information.""Even if the problem is them, it's still your work to determine why are you here? Why are you engaging with it?"If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it.To connect, ask a question, or share your thoughts, email: [email protected] you for listening to The Reality Between Us.