Redemptive Living Radio

In this episode, we discuss how to engage empathetically when she is hurting. The key is: he HAS to integrate empathy in the day-to-day. Jason unpacks three principles to help men be more empathetic with her: Principle #1 - He can't turn on empathy in the hard moments alone. Instead, it's developing the character trait of empathy: being loving, tender, compassionate as a way of life. Principle #2 - He has to engage her pain outside the moment (stay connected to it), so that when the moment arises (when she is in pain), empathy is already there. Practical ways to do this: #1 - Intentionally think about the pain she has experienced. #2 - Three questions he asks: What does she feel? What do I feel for her? In light of where I am at today, how do I feel about myself and what I did in that situation? Principle #3 - Hard moments can't be the only time that she has a window into how he feels for her. He has to show up in the small moments (as well as the big moments). What this means: he has to bring it up. We decided to break this recording into a part 1 and part 2 - we will be back next week with the continuation. We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8. The next Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX is in April. Join the WaitList for the April workshop. Registration opens MONDAY, March 2nd. The May RLW Retreat is right around the corner! Join the waitlist here to be the first to know when registration opens. If you are interested in a couples conference/event, we would love for you to let us know by filling out this quick form. Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups - there are two new groups starting in March and several more starting in April. You can snag all the details here. Same with 1:1 Coaching - if you are curious about 1:1 coaching - start here. Anchored, led by Kate Jones, is SOLD OUT. It is a fantastic class, and if you are interested in taking this class in the future, join the WaitLIst here. No stress, it WILL come back! We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. Pocast Freebies can be found here. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + monthly polls + all the things. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

Hey Guys! Thanks for joining us today on Redemptive Living Radio, where we talk about healing from intimate betrayal relationally, as well as for women who have to make the choice to heal without him by her side (whether because he won't do the work or because she is done). In this episode, we discuss a listener question rooted in a comment Jason often makes: "I'm one bad decision away…". Her question: How do we continue to move forward / go through life with the reality that it could happen again? (To be clear, "it" being anything from acting out with pornography or affairs or anything and everything in between.) We start with clarifying Jason's comment (I'm one bad decision away…"). Jason says he doesn't share that to scare anyone, but to stay connected to humility and to the reality that a series of small decisions could lead him back there. We add in a third qualifier pertaining to the default setting being broken. None of this is an excuse, but rather the reality we are dealing with. I love it when Jason said, "It's not a statement of danger. It's a statement of capability." We then discuss the second part of the listener's question: how to move forward given this reality. I'm not going to fully recap it here, which makes it even more important to listen to what we share. It's important. But here are the three big things we talk about: his character change and continued growth - SO important. taking our husbands off the pedestal, which certainly cultivates humility in us gals. permission to continue to ask him questions / have convos about what had happened and how he is doing pertaining to integrity. At one point, I reference Genesis 2:21. I have a note to the side: "ribs" from v 21, with the note "close to his heart, under his arm." And isn't that what each of us desires pertaining to our husbands? (Oh, how hard this is!!!) We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8. If you are interested in a couples conference/event, we would love for you to let us know by filling out this quick form. Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups - there are two new groups starting in March! You can snag all the details here. Same with 1:1 Coaching - if you are curious about 1:1 coaching, start here. Anchored, led by Kate Jones, is SOLD OUT. It is a fantastic class, and if you are interested in taking this class in the future, join the WaitLIst here. No stress, it WILL come back! The Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX, is SOLD OUT. Join the WaitList for the next workshop here. We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. Podcast Freebies can be found here. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + monthly polls + all the things. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

In this two-part episode series, we are talking about her anger and grief. We start by putting a name to some of the common things that cause her anger and grief to be blocked. 1 - Him doing good quantitative but not so great quantitative work. (Add to this the external validation he might be receiving, which further blocks her from tapping into her anger.) 2 - Childhood vows and how anger was modeled as a child. 3 - Church. 4 - Her being labeled as co-dependent. 5 - Him seen as the victim (struggler, addict, etc.). 6 - Bad recovery work on his part overall. 7 - If the cement hasn't dried yet. We will be back next week with reframing anger, speaking to the fear of getting stuck in it, and a "how-to" on engaging anger. We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8. Guys, for more information on the February MasterClasses, click here and here. For more on qualitative versus quantitative work, see episode #68 - "What exactly IS good work?" Anchored, led by Kate Jones, is SOLD OUT. It is a fantastic class, and if you are interested in taking this class in the future, join the WaitLIst here. No stress, it WILL come back! The Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX, is SOLD OUT. Join the WaitList for the next workshop here. Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups in the New Year! We have several starting, and you can snag all the details here. We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. Pocast Freebies can be found here. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + monthly polls + all the things. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

In this episode, we talk about something that is fairly common yet rarely discussed: when he uses her as a part of his addiction. I'm listening to the episode right now (as I type the show notes), and I am on edge. It's an important conversation and also hard to have. Thanks for being brave and joining us for this episode. I start by sharing how important it is for there to be sexual separation for her early on in the recovery process because we can get so tangled up (as women) when sexual intimacy continues early on in the recovery process, which makes boundaries and coming back to ourselves a challenge. This is something we, as professionals, need to ask more frequently. Unfortunately, there is a lot of misguided and outdated information out there stating that once his sexual energy isn't expended outside the marriage, he and she can enjoy that inside the marriage. This is a problem, as it's simply a transfer of the sexual energy from outside the marriage to inside the marriage, but not in a healthy way. Jason and I talk through this for the first 20 or so minutes, and then I come back to this question: First Question - How do we know if this is happening in the marriage? Pressure from him to be sexual. Pressure from within herself / Do you (she) feel obligated? If the sexual intimacy feels disconnected from the other forms of intimacy. If she feels objectified, focus on more, and/or a cavalier attitude around sexual intimacy. 1:1 transfer from the infidelity to the relationship. Second Question - What does she need to work on so that she can set boundaries and create space pertaining to sex in the marriage? Talk to someone about it. Using the 'enough is enough' muscle - we can't save him. Fortitude - strength under pressure. Getting honest about what she is experiencing in her body. See the links below for everything mentioned + more! We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8. I mention Episode #19 (Sexual Abstinence in the Recovery Process), Episode #43 (Pressure to Have Sex) and Episode #80 (The Shame She Experiences). The Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX, is SOLD OUT. Join the WaitList for the next workshop here. Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups in the New Year! We have several starting, and you can snag all the details here. We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. Podcast Freebies can be found here. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + monthly polls + all the things. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

Welcome back to RL Radio! In this episode, we talk about a wife's request that he never notice another woman. While this request might seem impossible for him to carry out, keep in mind that it's a deeper need beneath the one she is expressing. Jason also comments that oftentimes a rhetorical question (from her) points to a statement of grief. The question is giving expression to something deeper, usually a deeper need. Here are the myths we discuss: Myth #1 - Noticing someone in public is the gateway to acting out. Myth #2 - Her expectations are unrealistic and completely out of line. Myth #3 - If he's doing good recovery work, he will NEVER notice another woman. And here are the truths that offset the myths: Truth #1 - His noticing is NOT the starting point. Instead, the internal 'going-on's' are the starting points. Truth #2 - A broader sense of security is lacking, and there is an underlying need that IS valid. Truth #3 - It's impossible for him to never 'notice others'. What we need to focus on is her deeper needs, and whether character change is happening in him. In good recovery, it shifts (for him) from noticing with objectifying to simply seeing. We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8. Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups in the New Year! We have several starting, and you can snag all the details here. The Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX, is right around the corner in January 2026. Click here for all the details. We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team. Shelley mentioned adding the legitimate needs list to the Podcast Freebies. You can do that here. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list! Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

Welcome to episode #100 of RL Radio and part 2 of the Building Blocks of Intimacy! We are so excited to reach this milestone with you guys. If you liked seeing the video version of our podcast last week, you can watch this week's video in the Worthy of Her Trust Academy Public Content section (see link below) or on our YouTube Channel. Okay, so we are in part two of our deep dive into the building blocks of intimacy, and we start right off the bat discussing this idea of compatibility. Jason voices a couple of insights: Popular culture focuses a lot on compatibility in the sense of how two people's differences will jive, but Jason points out how we, as humans, are actually designed for compatibility, so the opposition between a spender and a saver is not an issue of compatibility as much as personal preference, and its actually our wounds that outsize the boxes of intimacy that give the illusion of incompatibility. When we age into our 70s & 80s, the first thing to go is most likely sexual intimacy, and if we don't know now how to connect holistically and authentically, then when sexual intimacy fades out, what will we have? Hopefully, we've spent our time developing true intimacy so we can stay connected as we age together. Then we move into the different approaches we need to look out for when using the building blocks framework: 1 - 'Top Down' Approach - Sex is the way to connect. Top Down is the idea that we use sex to fill in all of the building blocks in a sort of "quick fix" way, rather than creating connections that would lead to HEALTHY sexuality. This taints all of the other boxes, making every dynamic of intimacy sexually charged. 2 - 'Bottom Up with Strings Attached' Approach - Using the building blocks of intimacy to guarantee sexual connection. This can feel connecting, but underneath what looks and feels connecting is really just straight-up fake. That said, it's not always nefarious, but it IS misguided. 3 - 'No Building Blocks' Approach: Minimal to no intimate connection with ANY of the building blocks. This is where severe intimacy aversion happens. 4 - 'Disintegrated' Approach: A moment of connection within one of the building blocks, but as soon as the experience is over, intimacy disappears. For example, going on a bike ride and connecting (recreational intimacy). Once the ride is over and the bikes are stored away, all connection is gone. 5 - 'Bottom-Up with No Strings Attached' Approach: Experiencing intimacy for the sake of intimacy, not to get us anywhere else. I loved when Jason shared: When we engage in the other intimacies, it's satisfying. And we don't need sex. We want sex, but we don't need it. We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8. Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups in the New Year! We have several starting, and you can snag all the details here. The Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX, is right around the corner in January 2026. Click here for all the details. We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team. Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

The 90/10 principle simply means that 90% of the work of relational rebuilding is a husband's responsibility post betrayal (+ 100% of a husband's personal work). That 90% means going first, leading the process, holding the weight of the brokenness in the relationship, engaging, initiating, following through, amending, living forgivable and working on being trustworthy. The 10% that is a wife's work in the beginning is simply showing up and being a willing participant in the process, grieving, watching, waiting, navigating boundaries and needs, and finding a sense of security. That she has 10% isn't suggesting that she's got it easy; quite the opposite, her 10% is really hard. Where things get wonky (especially in the early work) is when we move beyond focusing on a hubands personal work and relational rebuilding work, and shine the spotlight on a wife's personal work. Shelley acknowledges that we all have work to do to grow and change, but the focus should not be on a wife's personal work in the post-betrayal dynamic. Ideally that happens later, after a husband has paved the way. Myth: There's infidelity in that relationship, so that relationship must be broken. Truth: There's infidelity in that relationship, so there must be a broken person in that relationship. A broken relationship has ZERO bearing on infidelity. Bottom line for Jason: God's not calling me to call you to your work. Masterclasses for men for June include Foundations of Freedom and Handling Her Triggers. Follow the links to sign up! We will be planning the next RLW Retreat soon. Jump on the interest list here if you want to be the first to know the dates and location for the next one (hopefully for this Fall!). We are hoping to do the next Empowered Boundary class for women this summer. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens again for registration. Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

We are back with part 2 of the lying episode. We jump in to talking about what helped Jason stop lying: #1 - Brute force effort to be honest as well as brute force effort to fight the addictive voice inside of him. (Jason said he would argue internally with the man he was fighting to become versus the old, addictive self pulling him back.) #2 - He came to a place of determination that he could handle the fall out. Out of this shift came one of Jason's core recovery mantra's: I'd rather lose you than lie to you. I chime in (and possibly take the convo in a different direction) and I talk about how when we lie - we are chipping away at our sense of selves. We become fragmented and disintegrated. Radical honesty is one of the ways we move toward integration and wholeness. Jason's suggestions for men that are in the thick of recovery and need to stop lying: Document what the voices in your head tell you (about why you shouldn't tell the truth) so that you know what you will be brute force fight against. Being accountable with others for telling the truth. Honesty amends work which will help him come to terms with the gravity of how he has lived. Identity work. We then talk about what she should expect - and I start by saying: we should expect him to NOT lie. You will hear me grappling with: should I have been a bit more gracious in the beginning? (Because I truly thought: what in the world is WRONG with him and please just STOP.) Expect him to not lie. Expect speedy self-regulation on his part and try to see the progress in him (if there indeed is progress). Expect that there is a journey that he will have to go through in order to see ALL the ways he has lied. We land the plane talking about polygraphs - which probably (really) needs to be a whole episode in and of itself. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7. The Spring RLW Retreat is SOLD OUT for May. Jump on the interest list here if you want to be the first to know about the next RLW Women's Retreat. The WOHT workshop for men is SOLD OUT for April. Jump on the interest list here if you want to be the first to know about the next WOHT workshop. Empowered Boundaries is SOLD OUT. Join the Wait List to be the first to know when the class opens again for registration. Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast