Sex, Love, and Addiction

Dr. Stephanie Covington and Dr. Vanessa Carlisle continue their conversation with Dr. Rob about awakening sexuality to create a healthy sexual identity, especially after betrayal or trauma. Their new book Awaken Your Sexuality: Seeking Connection and Intimacy After Addiction and Trauma offers a personalized process to learning about your own sexuality, regardless of experiences you have had in the past. TAKEAWAYS: [1:22] Vanessa’s perspective on sex workers. [6:29] If you love me, you wouldn’t do this. [10:13] Betrayed partners get to choose what they are going to do next. [13:40] Compartmentalizing addictive and betrayal behavior. [15:52] Creating a healthy sexual partnership. [19:36] The danger of comparing your sex life to porn. [22:42] Learning about intimacy from the queer community. [25:29] The shame of non-sexual but intimate couples. [27:31] Slow moving steps in healing from betrayal. [31:45] Faith-based sexuality. [35:36] Awakening your sexuality through a personalized process. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Stephanie Covington Dr. Vanessa Carlisle Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “It is a fallacy to believe that the people who love us will never hurt us.” “Betrayed partners get to choose what they’re going to do about the situation they're in.” “Do you want to be in a relationship with someone that you don’t respect?” “You can’t use porn as your sex teacher. You’ve got to use your own body.”

Chelsey Cole and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about narcissistic behavior. Chelsey outlines the impact that growing up with a narcissist can have on future relationships, the shame-rage cycle of a top-tier narcissist, and the signs that you are (most likely) not a narcissist, even if you occasionally act like one. TAKEAWAYS: [1:22] The shame-rage cycle of a narcissist. [4:00] The top of the narcissistic scale. [6:17] Sociopathy, psychopathy, and narcissists and where they overlap. [7:55] The role of addiction in narcissism. [10:18] Chelsey’s personal experience with narcissism. [14:21] The impact of growing up with a narcissist. [16:11] Am I a narcissist too? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Chelsey Cole Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “Narcissists do not deal with shame. They have the shame-rage cycle.” “To a narcissist, your pain is proof of their power.” “Anyone who is active in their addiction is going to look narcissistic.” “Narcissism presents in patterns of behavior over time.”

Crystal Hollenbeck and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about the power and purpose of triggers, the appropriate time to utilize communication skills, and each of the seven steps of the CALMING model, including handling residual anger and resentment. We often think that anger is the only option for control after betrayal, but Crystal challenges this limiting belief and offers hope to anyone who is ready to move on from an angry life. TAKEAWAYS: [1:52] Why should I do anything? He betrayed me. [5:42] Triggers are normal and can be helpful. [7:27] What to expect from the leveling stage. [13:13] The management and intuition stages of CALMING. [20:21] Trusting your intuition after betrayal. [25:17] The role of forgiveness in healing. [30:41] This behavior increases the likelihood of repeat betrayal. [32:30] Boundaries are protection, not restriction. [34:35] Grieving loss and recognizing the positives of post-traumatic growth. [43:44] Moving on after grief is possible. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Crystal Hollenbeck Betrayal Healing Conference Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “This is part of your story now. You have to talk about it.” “I have never seen a client not be grateful for healing work, because they come in with wounds they didn’t know exist.” “Forgiveness is for you, not the person that harmed you.” “Boundaries are protection, not restriction.” “We never stop grieving. We learn to live with grief.”

Tammy Gustafson and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about creating emotional space between you and your betraying partner. They discuss the power of actually feeling all of your feelings, and the importance of allowing fun and play in the healing process. Tammy offers free resources for finding peace, and underscores the power that comes with surviving and thriving after betrayal. TAKEAWAYS: [1:23] You don’t have control over your partner’s behavior. Now what? [4:22] Shifting from safety seeking in others to self. [7:35] Pumping the well of your soul. [8:52] The danger of suppressing your anger and sadness. [13:00] Allowing the flow of emotions while grieving. [17:01] Free resources for finding peace. [21:07] The role of fun and play in healing. [25:06] Moving toward the best version of yourself through healing. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Tammy Gustafson Betrayal Healing Conference Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: ● “Over time, the way that we start to heal… is a version of healthy detachment.” ● “There is an energy to anger that has a purpose.” ● “Part of the grieving process is allowing the flow of emotions to go through you.” ● “You cannot heal your heart with your head.”

Carol Juergensen Sheets and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about healing as a couple. Carol defines the six primary needs of every person, ways to create meaningful connection, and what it means to be brave and do it anyway throughout a couple’s healing journey. TAKEAWAYS: [1:23] Where do couples start with healing? [3:27] Transactional sex versus emotional connection. [4:13] First steps with couples work – what do you need that you aren’t getting? [6:03] Defining the 6 primary needs of every person. [9:40] Creating meaningful ways for connection. [11:56] Helping couples heal starts here. [14:15] Do you know your own strengths? [15:05] Be brave and do it anyway. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Carol Juergensen Sheets Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: ● “You need to be seen as a couple that is not in distress.” ● “Create ways that you can look forward to connection.” ● “I want couples to work through their trauma with each other.” ● “You have to do what will make your partner feel safe.”

Dr. Jenn Kennedy and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about finding satisfaction and intimacy after 50. They consider what it means to truly become a better person and partner, to evolve beyond betrayal toward empathy and intimacy. We often think that intimacy equals sex, but Dr. Kennedy challenges that notion and defines what a satisfied, committed relationship can really look like in the later years of life. TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] The impact of infidelity on a committed sexual relationship. [7:20] Infidelity in a mature vs. younger couple. [13:03] Intimacy, not just sex, is the ultimate goal. [17:40] From discovery to reconnecting sexually, eventually. [27:07] Moving from ‘I’m sorry to ‘I’m sorry I put you through that’. [32:40] Reintroducing touch and talking without the expectation of sex. [38:13] Scheduled sex and other tactics for navigating sexuality in older age. [43:20] Train your mind to choose your partner. [44:57] Battling the psychological landmine is not required to resume intimacy. [46:40] What if we just don’t want to have sex anymore? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Jenn Kennedy Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: ● “The breakdown in intimacy after infidelity is real.” ● “If the addict doesn’t start to actually change and show some progress, their sex life probably isn’t going to change either.” ● “Wherever you place your focus, growth will occur.” ● “You can have great intimacy and not have sex.”

Dr. Rob and authors Lindsey Stanley and Dr. Stevie Hall continue their conversation about therapeutic separation, focusing on the impact that separation can have on children at different ages and stages. They explore ways to prove safety and stability for children throughout the process, navigating family events during separation, and why couples therapy may not be appropriate during a period of separation. This conversation provides exceptional insights into a critical step of healing after betrayal that can result in a stronger partnership. TAKEAWAYS: [1:22] External factors that contribute to the pressure of separation or divorce. [3:16] Explaining separation to children in healthy and age-appropriate ways. [7:00] Taking appropriate ownership in the face of external influences and challenges. [10:09] Providing safety and stability for children despite anger and pain. [11:22] Navigating family events throughout therapeutic separation. [13:45] Building trust during the therapeutic separation process. [16:56] The challenges of therapeutic separation when affairs are involved. [19:02] Couples therapy may not be appropriate during a period of separation. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Lindsey Stanley Dr. Stevie Hall Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “Share with children what is in their best health and wellness to know.” “You can acknowledge the pain and hurt to your kids, but you don’t necessarily have to share all the things with them.” “There needs to be an agreed upon script when disclosing to children.” “Privacy and honesty are different things.”

Dr. Rob and Marriage and Family Therapist and CSAT Arlene Rosen continue their discussion about discernment counseling. They consider how to determine what each person needs throughout the collaborative divorce process, how to protect children and pets throughout the journey, and realistic timelines when addiction is a factor in a relationship. Arlene shares advice, resources, and a message of hope and healing in the collaborative divorce process. TAKEAWAYS: [1:22] Determining what each person needs throughout the collaborative divorce. [5:42] Child welfare versus child safety in court order agreements. [8:10] Timeline possibilities when addiction is at play. [11:20] Handling chronic lying in a legal setting. [15:55] A message of hope in the collaborative divorce process. [18:09] Is there a simple way to know that I should get divorced? [23:00] Guidelines for an effective separation period. [29:35] Determining the right next step based on your current stage of life. [32:32] Navigating divorce in a non-legal partnership. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Arlene Rosen Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES: “You can make agreements about what will be talked about your addiction in your divorce.” “Why do more damage when you’ve decided not to live together anymore?” “The collaborative divorce process is simply more respectful.” “The collaborative divorce process has the most opportunity for people to get back together.”