To Hump A Pillow with Coach Ellen Melon

Welcome back to To Hump A Pillow! We're kicking off Season 4, our 20 episode season with episode #60 — on dating apps. When most of us think about dating apps, we roll our eyes at the thought of what a task that can be. "Dating apps suck" — a common refrain from most of my clients. I've said those word myself! What if the app isn't the problem? What if you're the problem? I've always wanted to do an episode about dating apps, and now I've got the data and experience (my own and from clients) to create meaningful content around this topic. In this episode I've brought my boyfriend of 6 months, Mike, to discuss our experiences of dating apps — the different intentions for getting on dating apps over the course of our dating journeys, including before we met, our experience of meeting on Hinge, and how using dating apps felt after being in long term relationships. Lastly, I'll walk through my dating app framework I use with clients who are single, thinking about dating, new to a relationship or just wanting to explore hook ups. Dating App Framework: intention: what part of me wants to download a dating app? what part of me is holding me back from trying dating apps? profile creation: what meaningful and authentic stuff can I put out there? swiping considerations: what parameters do you have in place for swiping? what red flags are you looking for? what green flags? communications and boundaries: how do want to protect your time and energy by setting boundaries on communications? how long do you want to talk on the app until there's a sense of trust built? when is the right time to meet up? This framework is mostly geared toward people with an anxious-attachment style, historically quick to have sex, and often attract emotionally immature partners, people that are only physically attractive (vanity-based dating), or emotionally unavailable partners. Coach Ellen Melon links: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ellenmelonshow/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ellenmelonshow For questions regarding this topic, please email [email protected] DO NOT CONTACT ME VIA DM ON SOCIAL MEDIA AS I DO NOT CHECK THOSE PLATFORMS WITH REGULARITY. EMAIL IS BEST.

In this episode, I fly solo in offering a different perspective on the Texas School Shooting. Yes, maybe it's gun law reform and yes, it's also hurting children in angry bodies. As more people feel disconnected, they grow angrier. Happy, secure children who have a sense of self don't shoot up schools. It's time to teach people how to process their childhood and FEEL THEIR FEELINGS. I will discuss: My own experience of middle school and high school and what I noticed What is emotional neglect and emotional immature parents? 10 Themes of emotional neglect Mother wound Perfectionism as a byproduct of shame Belonging & Connection Shame, Empathy, Guilt, Humiliation and Embarrassment Cultivating authenticity 10 Themes of Emotional Neglect (from Dr Jonice Webbs "Running on Empty" Book): Feelings of Emptiness Counter-Dependence Unrealistic Self-Appraisal No Compassion for Self, Plenty for Others Guilt and Shame: What is Wrong With Me? Self-Directed Anger, Self-Blame Fatal Flaw (If People Really Know Me They Won't Like Me) Difficulty Nurturing Self and Others Poor Self-Discipline Alexithymia: Poor Awareness and Understanding of Emotions Coach Ellen Melon links: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ellenmelonshow/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ellenmelonshow Website: https://www.ellenmelon.com ____________________ Books discussed: Running on Empty by Jonice Webb PhD with Christine Musello PsyD Adult children of emotionally immature parents : how to heal from distant, rejecting, or self-involved parents by Lindsay C. Gibson Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown

Do you avoid conflict? Does it feel like you're walking on eggshells in your home, in your relationships? Then you need some education around repair. In this episode I pull out the Erotic Ed Archives — a YouTube Channel Show hosted by S x Coaches, Jessica and Ellen Melon – where we discuss the fundamentals of a repair conversation. Repair meaning, a hard conversation after an argument or rupture between 2 people. It's important to learn repair because it is a skill of empathetic listening and self awareness that will greatly enhance your relationships. We'll talk about our own experiences with repair, our own examples of avoiding conflict, and walk through the 10 Steps of Repair, created by Celeste & Danielle of Somatica Institute. Interested in working with a Somatic Sex & Relationship Coach? Apply for 1on1 or couples coaching with me: www.ellenmelon.com/intimacy-coaching ____________________ Links we talked about: ____________________ Coach Ellen Melon links: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ellenmelonshow/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ellenmelonshow Website: https://www.ellenmelon.com ____________________

How do you show up as the genuine YOU in dating? How do you know when you're performing? How can you ensure you're being authentic? In this illuminating episode, I invite Connell Barrett, Men's Dating Coach, to talk about his book, about his journey toward becoming a dating coach, and his own relationship experiences. We talk about confidence and how it relates to trust — the foundation of a sustainable relationship. Connell Barrett is the author of the best selling book Dating Sucks But You Don't and a renowned dating coach for men, helping them to be their most authentic selves in a way that doesn't creep out women or treat them as a notch on the bedpost. His communication framework, called ACE — Authenticity, Clarity and Expressiveness — teaches men how to channel their most confident self. Because women love confident men. Interested in working with a Somatic Sex & Relationship Coach? Apply for 1on1 or couples coaching with me: www.ellenmelon.com/intimacy-coaching ____________________ Links we talked about: https://datingtransformation.com/ https://www.facebook.com/groups/howtobeyourbestself/ https://www.instagram.com/datingtransformation/ https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCt-JnM8eimynPRxpQDgsirg ____________________ Somatic Sex & Relationship Coach and Un-Educator, Ellen Melon can be found: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ellenmelonshow/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ellenmelonshow Website: https://www.ellenmelon.com ____________________

"We have to belong to ourselves as much as we need to belong to others. Any belonging that asks us to betray ourselves is not true belonging." — Brene Brown, Atlas of the Heart Belonging is the key to intimate friendships. Never once have I felt the need to change myself or be someone else around Amy, Tom, or Hailey. I've always been able to be authentically received by them. Who is your support team? Who are the people who know how to hold you (metaphorically and physically) when you're having a tough day? When you're experiencing shame? Not enough-ness? Guilt? Anger? Grief? It took me a long time to find these people and cultivate what we have, but here is a 3 Part Series with my support team and a peek behind the curtain into what our conversations look like (via phone because they all live outside MN). So many clients ask me: "How do I cultivate intimate friendships?" In a society wrought with fears and securities, it's so hard to trust anyone. It's hard to create a foundation of safety. Both parties need to be willing to take the risk and both parties need to be open and willing to hear how the other person wants to be loved. In this 3 Part Series, we talk to my 3 close friends — Tom, Amy, Hailey — checking in about the state of our friendship. What's working? What's not? What's hard? What's easy? They are raw recordings containing laughter, vulnerability, compassion, and love. We are all showing up with a lot of trust in these interviews. If you need a glimpse into hard and fulfilling relationship conversations, please listen. Part 1 with Tom: In this episode, we discuss our rift in friendship over time — we questioned why friendships of the opposite gender experience distance when a new dating perspective comes into play. We talk about our college experience and how our friendship developed due to close proximity and collaboration in art projects. We also talk about why this friendship is important and what we'd like to see for ourselves in the future. Part 2 with Hailey: In this episode, Hailey and I talk about female friendships of our past — what worked and what didn't — recognizing that a lot of those friendships were centered around drama. We revisit a very hard conversation and disagreement about vaccines to showcase how to hold both compassion (and understanding) and disagreement in both hands lovingly. We close out with what we love about our friendship and what improvement can be made. Hailey and I co-peer a support group every other Sunday called "Anxious Attached Hearts Club" for those with anxious attachment who need a place to work it out and find more security in their community. Part 3 with Amy: In this episode, you'll see what a 12 year friendship looks like. I met Amy in college, so we discuss the early years of our friendship, getting to know each other, how we are both control freaks, how I tried to rescue Amy often in college (especially in her relationships). We discuss the ways in which we feel supported by each other — what we go to each other for. We'll discuss the areas in which we can step up our friendship and define what vulnerability and intimacy means for us in our friendship. We end with some sentiments and a conversation on trust. Interested in working with a Somatic Sex & Relationship Coach? Apply for 1on1 or couples coaching with me: www.ellenmelon.com/intimacy-coaching Anxious Attached Hearts Club info here: https://calendly.com/ellenmelon/anxious-attached-hearts-club? ____________________ PARTS 1: https://tohumpapillow.libsyn.com/51-how-to-intimacy-and-vulnerability-in-friendships-with-dear-friend-tom-wixo-part-1-of-3 PART 2: https://tohumpapillow.libsyn.com/52-how-to-do-intimacy-and-vulnerability-in-friendships-with-best-friend-hailey-hosler-part-2-of-3 PART 3: https://tohumpapillow.libsyn.com/53-how-to-do-intimacy-and-vulnerability-in-friendships-with-best-friend-amy-edler-part-3-of-3 __________ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ellenmelonshow/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ellenmelonshow Website: https://www.ellenmelon.com ____________________

In this episode, I invite Nischa Phair back for a deep dive on receiving pleasure, authentic sexuality and how they are related. Nischa tells us about how pleasure "is relational thing" — it is an outward thing that we share. She talks about how authentic sexuality is a commitment to a process — something we might not always practice well, but try our best next time. She also speaks to some other off-topics like "collapsing the vanilla-kink duality," "tend and befriend" behavior, and how breath and pleasure work together. All of these topics can be found in her book: FAWN: When No Looks Like Yes, available where books are sold. Don't forget to catch Part 1: #49. "Fawn: When No Looks Like Yes" — Her new book on the nervous system, ignoring red flags, and fawning — where we unpack the definition of fawning. How our nervous system is informed by the outside world. What happens in our body when we fawn — a shut down below the diaphragm. She tells us how this might be the reason women are without libido and disconnected from their pleasure and erotic energy. Nischa tells us her story and direct experiences of fawning. Interested in working with a Somatic Sex & Relationship Coach? Apply for 1on1 or couples coaching with me: www.ellenmelon.com/intimacy-coaching ____________________ Links we talked about: https://www.nischaphair.com/site/about https://www.instagram.com/nischaphair/ Buy the book: https://www.nischaphair.com/fawn-book ____________________ Somatic Sex & Relationship Coach and Un-Educator, Ellen Melon can be found: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ellenmelonshow/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ellenmelonshow Website: https://www.ellenmelon.com ____________________

Isn't pleasure supposed to be gluttonous? Is too much pleasure a bad thing? Maybe. But not enough pleasure might be worse. "Pleasure" is a word many associate with sexual experiences. But pleasure sits alongside joy, gratitude, and our erotic energy – all the stuff that makes us feel alive. In this episode, Dr Rachel Allyn and I discuss how sex and pleasure were discussed in her home growing up, and what exactly is somatic therapy? Dr Rachel will tell us about her framework and practice of Bodyfullness and unpack what's in her new book! About the book, "The Pleasure is All Yours": Reconnect and reclaim your inner sense of pleasure and joy through the embodiment practices of bodyfulness, which put you in touch with the natural wisdom of your body and enhance your connection with others. In this timely guide, holistic psychologist, relationship and sex therapist, and yoga teacher Dr. Rachel Allyn introduces bodyfulness, an expansion of mindfulness and embodiment method that awakens the body's own capacity for healing and joy. Interested in working with a Somatic Sex & Relationship Coach? Apply for 1on1 or couples coaching with me: www.ellenmelon.com/intimacy-coaching ____________________ Links we talked about: https://www.drrachelallyn.com/ https://www.thepleasureisallyoursbook.com/ ____________________ Somatic Sex & Relationship Coach and Un-Educator, Ellen Melon can be found: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ellenmelonshow/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ellenmelonshow Website: https://www.ellenmelon.com ____________________

Do you know how to talk to yourself nicely during hard or frustrating times? During times of anger or being triggered? Did you know that our level of emotional neglect directly impacts our ability to self-regulate and self soothe (in healthy ways)? Interested in tools and ways to show yourself compassion? In this episode, Somatic coaches, Jessica Childs and Ellen Melon walk through what self compassion is and how it sounds. Learn how to nurture yourself – the way you never got from your parents. Originally recorded on August 18 2021 for video. Listen on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Stitcher. Click link in bio for listening options. Interested in working with a Somatic Sex & Relationship Coach? Apply for 1on1 or couples coaching with me: www.ellenmelon.com/intimacy-coaching ____________________ Links we talked about: https://www.facebook.com/OracleIntimacy Pleasure Priestess Program here: https://www.ellenmelon.com/1on1 ____________________ Somatic Sex & Relationship Coach and Un-Educator, Ellen Melon can be found: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ellenmelonshow/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ellenmelonshow Website: https://www.ellenmelon.com ____________________