Dear Dr. Tracy

What happens when the partner who has spent years asking for connection suddenly stops asking?In this episode, Dr. Tracy explores the “burned-out pursuer,” a relationship shift that can look deceptively peaceful from the outside. The arguments decrease. The questions stop. One partner is no longer asking for date nights, difficult conversations, affection, sex, or repair. But less conflict does not always mean more security.Dr. Tracy explains how repeated unsuccessful attempts at connection can eventually lead the pursuing partner to stop expecting comfort, curiosity, initiative, or repair from their partner. They may begin investing more heavily in parenting, friendships, work, fitness, hobbies, or other parts of life, not because they no longer need connection, but because they have stopped expecting to find it inside the relationship.She also explores what can happen next: the previously withdrawn partner suddenly feels the distance and begins pursuing connection themselves. Rebuilding at that point takes more than urgency or a burst of effort. It requires accountability, consistency, compassion, and the willingness to understand why trust may take time to return.Because sometimes the quietest moment in a relationship is not the moment everything got better. It is the moment someone stopped believing that knocking on the door would make it open. MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE The Relationship Cycle Behind Desire, Rejection, and Sex - In this episode, Dr. Tracy is joined by sex therapist Dr. Lori Watson and emotionally focused therapy trainer George Faller, authors of “Brave Love, Great Sex: Harnessing Attachment Theory for Passionate Relationships”. One spot left for a couples intensive with Dr. Tracy — a 2-day deep dive designed for couples who are stuck and not seeing results from weekly therapy. In-person or she travels to you. Be Connected — 24/7 relationship support, including Dr. Tracy AI trained on Tracy's clinical work. Get real answers in the moment, even when your partner won't do the work with you Looking for a therapist in Canada? Check out our practice at iwtherapy WANT TO GO DEEPER? Learn the proven framework that helps couples after conflict in my After the Fight: How to Repair Workshop. Understand what you need to repair in your relationship. 2 minutes. Your partner will know exactly what to say.  Get the tools, language, and confidence to navigate your in-law relationships in the book ⁠⁠⁠You, Your Husband, and His Mother⁠⁠⁠ Be the first to know about my upcoming workshop where I directly support you in how you navigate the in-law dynamic for the upcoming holiday season. Get your question answered here on the podcast. Submit them here.  Grab my first book I Didn’t Sign Up for This Ready to deepen your connection?⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Download my 100 Questions⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Build better connection and feel close starting today. ⁠⁠Join the⁠ ⁠⁠30 Days to Us Challenge⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Get exclusive 1:1 support with Dr. Tracy. Find out more here..   Not sure where to start? Find your relationship's negative cycle — free quiz here. Is your partner defensive?  Download my FREE scripts to respond to a defensive partner. Grab my free guide: Five Ways to Nurture Your Intimacy 📲 FOLLOW DR. TRACY Subscribe to You Tube   Follow on Instagram ⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠Follow on Facebook ⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What do you do when the holidays are coming, your in-laws expect to stay in your home, and the last visit ended in a painful family conflict?In this episode, Dr. Tracy and Greg answer a listener question about a mother-in-law who challenged their parenting in front of the children, a husband who finally stepped in and supported his wife in the moment, and the complicated question of what happens next. Is asking the grandparents to stay in a hotel a punishment, or a reasonable boundary while trust is being rebuilt?Dr. Tracy and Greg explore why “we’ve always done it this way” is not a reason to keep doing something that no longer works, how years of small hurts can leave one partner bracing before every visit, and the important difference between setting a boundary and trying to teach someone a lesson.They also talk about rebuilding trust through repeated positive experiences, deciding what you can and cannot tolerate, and why the adult child often needs to be the one communicating boundaries to their own parents. Because the goal isn’t to win the old argument. It’s to create conditions where the next visit can actually feel better for everyone. MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Looking for a therapist in Canada? Check out our practice at iwtherapy Get the tools, language, and confidence to navigate your in-law relationships in the book ⁠⁠⁠You, Your Husband, and His Mother⁠⁠⁠ Be the first to know about my upcoming workshop where I directly support you in how you navigate the in-law dynamic for the upcoming holiday season. Get your question answered here on the podcast. Submit them here.  WANT TO GO DEEPER? Learn the proven framework that helps couples after conflict in my After the Fight: How to Repair Workshop. One spot left for a couples intensive with Dr. Tracy — a 2-day deep dive designed for couples who are stuck and not seeing results from weekly therapy. In-person or she travels to you. Be Connected — 24/7 relationship support, including Dr. Tracy AI trained on Tracy's clinical work. Get real answers in the moment, even when your partner won't do the work with you Understand what you need to repair in your relationship. 2 minutes. Your partner will know exactly what to say.  Grab my first book I Didn’t Sign Up for This Ready to deepen your connection?⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Download my 100 Questions⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Build better connection and feel close starting today. ⁠⁠Join the⁠ ⁠⁠30 Days to Us Challenge⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Get exclusive 1:1 support with Dr. Tracy. Find out more here..   Not sure where to start? Find your relationship's negative cycle — free quiz here. Is your partner defensive?  Download my FREE scripts to respond to a defensive partner. Grab my free guide: Five Ways to Nurture Your Intimacy 📲 FOLLOW DR. TRACY Subscribe to You Tube   Follow on Instagram ⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠Follow on Facebook ⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Have you ever avoided saying something because you didn’t want to upset your partner, say it wrong, or turn the moment into a fight?In this episode, Dr. Tracy and Greg talk about avoidance, conflict, control, and the hard conversations couples keep waiting to have. What can feel like “keeping the peace” is often a way of trying to manage discomfort, predict your partner’s reaction, and control the outcome before you take the risk of being honest.Together, they explore how avoidance shows up in everyday relationship moments, from asking for time away to navigating holiday plans, in-laws, hobbies, sex, and difficult needs. Greg shares what avoidance feels like from the inside, while Dr. Tracy explains why delaying hard conversations can break trust, lower relational power, and create the very reaction you were trying to prevent.They also talk about differentiation: learning to say what is true for you without trying to control how your partner feels. Because intimacy is not built by waiting for the perfect time. It is built by trusting the relationship enough to risk the real conversation. MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Looking for a therapist in Canada? Check out our practice at iwtherapy Learn the proven framework that helps couples after conflict in my After the Fight: How to Repair Workshop. One spot left for a couples intensive with Dr. Tracy — a 2-day deep dive designed for couples who are stuck and not seeing results from weekly therapy. In-person or she travels to you. Read the book: ⁠⁠⁠You, Your Husband, and His Mother⁠⁠⁠ Be Connected — 24/7 relationship support, including Dr. Tracy AI trained on Tracy's clinical work. Get real answers in the moment, even when your partner won't do the work with you WANT TO GO DEEPER? Understand what you need to repair in your relationship. 2 minutes. Your partner will know exactly what to say.  Get your question answered here on the podcast. Submit them here.  Grab my first book I Didn’t Sign Up for This Ready to deepen your connection?⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Download my 100 Questions⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Build better connection and feel close starting today. ⁠⁠Join the⁠ ⁠⁠30 Days to Us Challenge⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Get exclusive 1:1 support with Dr. Tracy. Find out more here..   Not sure where to start? Find your relationship's negative cycle — free quiz here. Is your partner defensive?  Download my FREE scripts to respond to a defensive partner. Grab my free guide: Five Ways to Nurture Your Intimacy 📲 FOLLOW DR. TRACY Subscribe to You Tube   Follow on Instagram ⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠Follow on Facebook ⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Have you ever tried to tell your partner something and realized they were only half-listening because they were on their phone?In this episode, Dr. Tracy and Greg talk about phubbing, the habit of snubbing someone with your phone, and how it quietly disrupts connection in romantic relationships. It might not look like a big fight. It might just look like sitting side by side in bed, scrolling, missing each other’s bids for connection one tiny moment at a time.They explore why phones are so hard to put down, how they create silent distance between partners, and why even a phone sitting face up on the table can pull attention away from the person in front of you.Dr. Tracy and Greg also share practical ways to interrupt the pattern, including building small connection rituals, catching one bid for connection each day, and asking directly for the attention you need without turning it into criticism.Because the goal isn’t to become perfect with your phone.It’s to notice when the screen is becoming easier than the relationship, and choose one small moment of turning toward each other again. 📎 MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Learn to turn towards your partner instead of the phone.  ⁠⁠Join the⁠ ⁠⁠30 Days to Us Challenge⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 🔗 WANT TO GO DEEPER? Be Connected — 24/7 relationship support, including Dr. Tracy AI trained on Tracy's clinical work. Get real answers in the moment, even when your partner won't do the work with you. Understand what you need to repair in your relationship. 2 minutes. Your partner will know exactly what to say.  One spot left for a couples intensive with Dr. Tracy — a 2-day deep dive designed for couples who are stuck and not seeing results from weekly therapy. In-person or she travels to you. Read the book: ⁠⁠⁠You, Your Husband, and His Mother⁠⁠⁠ Free Resource: Challenge Your Assumptions and Perceptions Get your question answered here on the podcast. Submit them here.   Get exclusive 1:1 support with Dr. Tracy. Find out more here..   Not sure where to start? Find your relationship's negative cycle — free quiz here. Is your partner defensive?  Download my FREE scripts to respond to a defensive partner. Ready to deepen your connection?⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Download my 100 Questions⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Build better connection and feel close starting today. ⁠⁠Join the⁠ ⁠⁠30 Days to Us Challenge⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 📲 FOLLOW DR. TRACY Subscribe to You Tube   Follow on Instagram ⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠Follow on Facebook ⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Why do some people shut down when they're hurt while others immediately criticize, blame, or demand a response?In this episode, Dr. Tracy introduces two common ways people respond to emotional pain: internalizing and externalizing.When something difficult happens in a relationship, some people turn inward, questioning themselves, minimizing their needs, or carrying the hurt alone. Others turn outward, focusing on what their partner did wrong and expressing their pain through criticism, frustration, or blame.The challenge is that neither approach helps us communicate the deeper feelings underneath.Dr. Tracy explores how these patterns show up in relationships, why they often create disconnection, and how understanding your default response can help you communicate more effectively with your partner.This episode is a powerful follow-up to last week's conversation about defensiveness and offers another lens for understanding the negative cycles that keep couples stuck. 📎 MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Be Connected — 24/7 relationship support, including Dr. Tracy AI trained on Tracy's clinical work. Get real answers in the moment, even when your partner won't do the work with you. 🔗 WANT TO GO DEEPER? Understand what you need to repair in your relationship. 2 minutes. Your partner will know exactly what to say. One spot left for a couples intensive with Dr. Tracy — a 2-day deep dive designed for couples who are stuck and not seeing results from weekly therapy. In-person or she travels to you. Free Resource: Challenge Your Assumptions and Perceptions Get your question answered here on the podcast. Submit them here. Read the book: ⁠⁠⁠You, Your Husband, and His Mother⁠⁠⁠ Get exclusive 1:1 support with Dr. Tracy. Find out more here.. Not sure where to start? Find your relationship's negative cycle — free quiz here. Is your partner defensive? Download my FREE scripts to respond to a defensive partner. Ready to deepen your connection?⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Download my 100 Questions⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Build better connection and feel close starting today. ⁠⁠Join the⁠ ⁠⁠30 Days to Us Challenge⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 📲 FOLLOW DR. TRACY Subscribe to You Tube Follow on Instagram ⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠Follow on Facebook ⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Have you ever assumed you already knew how your partner was going to react? In this special episode, Greg takes over the mic to share a husband's perspective on one of the biggest traps couples fall into: getting stuck in outdated stories about the people we love. Drawing from his own experiences navigating marriage, parenting, dirt biking, golf, and family life, Greg explores how old assumptions can quietly create resentment, avoidance, and disconnection. If you've ever caught yourself thinking:"I already know how this conversation is going to go.""There's no point bringing it up.""Why bother asking?"...this episode is for you. 📎 MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Free Resource: Challenge Your Assumptions and Perceptions 🔗 WANT TO GO DEEPER? Be Connected — 24/7 relationship support, including Dr. Tracy AI trained on Tracy's clinical work. Get real answers in the moment, even when your partner won't do the work with you. Get your question answered here on the podcast. Submit them here. One spot left for a couples intensive with Dr. Tracy — a 2-day deep dive designed for couples who are stuck and not seeing results from weekly therapy. In-person or she travels to you. Read the book: ⁠⁠⁠You, Your Husband, and His Mother⁠⁠⁠ Get exclusive 1:1 support with Dr. Tracy. Find out more here.. Not sure where to start? Find your relationship's negative cycle — free quiz here. Understand what you need to repair in your relationship. 2 minutes. Your partner will know exactly what to say. Is your partner defensive? Download my FREE scripts to respond to a defensive partner. Ready to deepen your connection?⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Download my 100 Questions⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Build better connection and feel close starting today. ⁠⁠Join the⁠ ⁠⁠30 Days to Us Challenge⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 📲 FOLLOW DR. TRACY Subscribe to You Tube Follow on Instagram ⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠Follow on Facebook ⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Have you ever tried to share something vulnerable with your partner… and somehow the conversation turned into an argument?Maybe you’ve said, “I didn’t tell you because I was afraid of your reaction.”It sounds honest. It sounds vulnerable. But is it?In this episode, Dr. Tracy and Greg break down one of the most common communication traps couples fall into: when vulnerability accidentally turns into blame.There’s a powerful difference between saying “I’m afraid you’ll reject me," and, “I’m afraid of your reaction.”One invites connection. The other often invites defensiveness.If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “That’s not what I meant,” this episode will help you understand:Why “I’m afraid of your reaction” can escalate conflictThe subtle difference between explaining and being defensiveHow negative cycles get triggered without you realizing itWhy intent and impact matter differently in communicationHow to slow down and identify the softer emotions underneath angerWhat to say instead if you want connection instead of escalationDr. Tracy and Greg also explore how we unintentionally displace our fears onto our partner, and how learning to name rejection, shame, loneliness, or not-enoughness changes everything.Because real vulnerability isn’t about pointing outward; it’s about going inward first.If you want to feel closer instead of stuck in the same argument, this conversation will give you the language to start. 📎 MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Not sure where to start? Find your relationship's negative cycle — free quiz here. Understand what you need to repair in your relationship. 2 minutes. Your partner will know exactly what to say. Ready to deepen your connection?⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Download my 100 Questions⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Be Connected — 24/7 relationship support, including Dr. Tracy AI trained on Tracy's clinical work. Get real answers in the moment, even when your partner won't do the work with you. Read the book: ⁠⁠⁠You, Your Husband, and His Mother⁠⁠⁠ Get exclusive 1:1 support with Dr. Tracy. Find out more here. Get your question answered here on the podcast. Submit them here. 🔗 WANT TO GO DEEPER? One spot left for a couples intensive with Dr. Tracy — a 2-day deep dive designed for couples who are stuck and not seeing results from weekly therapy. In-person or she travels to you. Read the book: ⁠⁠⁠You, Your Husband, and His Mother⁠⁠⁠ Get exclusive 1:1 support with Dr. Tracy. Find out more here. Get your question answered here on the podcast. Submit them here. Is your partner defensive? Download my FREE scripts to respond to a defensive partner. Ready to deepen your connection?⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Download my 100 Questions⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Build better connection and feel close starting today. ⁠⁠Join the⁠ ⁠⁠30 Days to Us Challenge⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 📲 FOLLOW DR. TRACY Subscribe to You Tube Follow on Instagram ⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠Follow on Facebook ⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Couples often get stuck after conflict not because they don’t care, but because the repair never actually lands. Dr. Tracy dives into what she sees in her therapy room: partners getting trapped in their own stories, over-focusing on intent (“I meant well”), and missing the one thing that rebuilds closeness, impact. Real repair starts with seeing the hurt, naming the impact, and staying present long enough for the other person to feel understood.She also normalizes why repair is so hard for most of us: almost nobody watched their parents actually repair, so we’re trying to build a skill without a blueprint. Dr. Tracy walks through questions you can ask your partner about how conflict was handled in their home, why eye contact and emotional safety matter, and how attachment styles shape who reaches for repair first. The goal isn’t perfection, it’s learning how to come back to each other in a way that restores trust and connection. 📎 MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE Understand what you need to repair in your relationship. 2 minutes. Your partner will know exactly what to say. Be Connected — 24/7 relationship support, including Dr. Tracy AI trained on Tracy's clinical work. Get real answers in the moment, even when your partner won't do the work with you. One spot left for a couples intensive with Dr. Tracy — a 2-day deep dive designed for couples who are stuck and not seeing results from weekly therapy. In-person or she travels to you. 🔗 WANT TO GO DEEPER? Read the book: ⁠⁠⁠You, Your Husband, and His Mother⁠⁠⁠ Is your partner defensive? Download my FREE scripts to respond to a defensive partner. Not sure where to start? Find your relationship's negative cycle — free quiz here. Ready to deepen your connection?⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Download my 100 Questions⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Build better connection and feel close starting today. ⁠⁠Join the⁠ ⁠⁠30 Days to Us Challenge⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 📲 FOLLOW DR. TRACY Subscribe to You Tube Follow on Instagram ⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠Follow on Facebook ⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices